Apples in the Orchard, Part 5

Apples in the Orchard, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Gripen ANM was a Highsec space tree. Although Gripen’s crab skin was tough and snarled, inedible and gross, his branches and hangars sprouted with bountiful isk and luscious spaceships. Gripen wasn’t entirely sure that CODE. agents were his real-life friends, but he began to calm down after they took his Orca, drones, interceptor, random frigates, and podded his blingy implants. Gripen decided this was the best time to put everything on a single spin of the roulette wheel, and find out if he had won a free all expenses paid trip to the Delve. 1DQ or bust!

As Gripen began to run out of assets, it wasn’t clear whether he had enough to feed everyone who assembled for the feast. Fortunately, Gripen had a few alts which he immediately offered to toss on the barbie. Good on ya, mate!

Viper Zero Iwaira pretended to be just a noob, learning to play the game with Silent Company. In reality, she was a disgusting alt, and a convicted botting offender. Within her hangars, our agents discovered no less than THREE (3) Rokhs! Yes, that’s right, some miners are too lazy to warp from one system to another, and they keep fully fitted Rokhs in hidden stockpiles all across our fair Highsec.

Everyone was shocked to learn Gripen was not merely a common dejure miner, but a literal bot aspierant, who shamefully defaced asteroids and sought to seize nature’s bounty for himself. In such cases, the CODE. of Newe Halaima has only one proscription, the complete and utter destruction of intergalactic minery.

Gripen was invited to double down, trading skill injectors for skill extractors, within the luxurious Tranquility Trading Tower. I’ve talked to a lot of people in EVE, who adamantly refuse to believe that Highsec miners will make this trade, over and over until there is absolutely nothing left. All I can say is that those who doubt us, and those who deny us, they are our greatest allies. We can never be defeated, because by the time a miner views us as a threat, we have already won. Always!

The trade deals just got better and better. Unfortunately, as with all good things, Gripen’s time in EVE was soon coming to an end. Search teams fanned out across the theme park, hunting down every misplaced asset.

In addition to 100+ billion isk worth of tangible items, Gripen held various pieces of intellectual and social property.

For example, he was the leader of his own in-game channel, a mining corporation, and even a surprisingly well-populated Discord community.

Each of these was liquidated to serve the interests of the New Order.

After entrusting a rabid raccoon as his successor, Gripen dutifully biomassed himself. In those final moments, TheInternet TweepsOnline TheInternet asked Gripen whether he felt “taken care of”. Without hesitation, Gripen replied, “Yes, absolutely. Thank you.” That’s right, and then he was gone forever.

The moral of the story is thus. If you are a Highsec apple tree, know that you will grow and flourish so long as we allow. However, if and when we decide to harvest, then we shall take as we please. If that means the tree is shewn unto the woodchipper, then that is the fate it deserves. One doesn’t sit and think about what the tree wants, as it exists merely to provide unto those who tend the garden.

As for Gripen ANM, one might wonder what happens to EVE miners once they are deleted and erased from existence. As it turns out, Gripen became a cute little catgirl, and she occasionally checks in via Discord.

Sources confirm that Gripen is using his new-found freetime to read the EVE Online EULA and research his rights and responsibilities.

POST CREDITS SURPRISE

The biovat chambers were dark, and everyone had gone home. The air was rich with the stench of decaying proteins, and the floor was slick with reprocessed fluids. Something was moving in the dim light, slithering from a vat. Yes, it was zombie Gripen, raised from the dead, and loyal unto the New Order. Bears be scared!

The Best Revenge, Part 82

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Pandemic Horde was on the brink of utter annihilation, and the Imperium was preparing for war with a soon to be extinct TEST Alliance Please Ignore. However, with elections to the High Hall of Halaima in full swing, it was anyone’s game and Emperor Aiva Naali needed every isk to succeed.

Late fees were eating into the directorship campaign budget, but Agent Anvil, aka quantum, was determined to seize control over the Goonswarm Federation.

There was always just one problem. In order to contract PLEX, greedy CCP bureaucrats required quantum to pay a whopping 10’000 isk processing fee. Nobody asked quantum where he managed to obtain PLEX, but the Imperium needed as much as possible! There was only one solution, and this would require quantum to jump in his mining corvette and start digging. The fate of the galaxy hung in the balance! Unfortunately, quantum was distracted by endless requests for yet another encore, and he got caught by the rats!

Eventually, after quantum aka AsteveonWard OverGreer stopped being AFK, he was able to scrape together enough ore to send his next payment. The money whirled away to the Delve, where it was immediately sunk into yet another Keepstar. If you are looking for some hot tips on how to fit your own little mining corvette, check out this detailed guide by the EVE Onion’s very own Princess Aiko!

Subsequently, as quantum continued harvesting, he listened to elite commanders of the Goon navy, as they scrambled to win another critical battle. Everyone in EVE eventually settles into their career, specializing in one particular aspect of the game. For quantum, that niche is to be ensconced deep inside Halaima High Command.

It was riveting content, but even the best and the brightest make mistakes, and you can’t have an intergalactic omelette without breaking a few eggs.

If quantum could get into a Nyx, perhaps the tide of battle might turn?

It was time to destroy penifSMASH once and for all! Quantum was ready to rock, and this time the Imperium would not be taking prisoners!

To be continued…

***

BONUS: Herzog Wolfhammer has drawn this portrait of Australian Excellence, aka Loyalanon, the #1 elite PvP alpha male! Crikey!

Rudokop Forever, Part 4

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Convicted antiganker Adrian Vexier was seduced by an irresistible lust, permanently exiled from the loving embrace of Astevon and Australian Jesus. When Adrian ventured into a Russian mining belt, Rudokop vowed to hunt down and exorcise the drone destroying demon.

Rudokop had a number of PvP alts, including Ivan Mihalich SIM and SIM Gallent. Together, these merry muskeeters ventured forth to give battle unto the evil which plagued their high-security mining operation. It did not take them long to locate the foul monster, and they hurled every manner of Soviet curse.

In the game of intrigue, it is important to master diplomacy. However, Gallent miscalculated, attempting to harness Adrian’s own tongue. Once Gallent found himself speaking the magnetic words of the West, the battle was half over.

Gallent was forced to retreat, but Rudokop bravely stepped forward.

Adrian tried to focus on Good News. If Rudokop paid tribute, just fifty million isk, the miner might embrace the mercy of his feudal masters.

Rudokop rejected peace, casting pestilence upon all humanity.

Armageddon was nigh.

To be continued…

Rudokop Forever, Part 3

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Convicted bot-aspirants Rudokop and SIM Gallent were determined to drive a stake through the heart of videogame demon Adrian Vexier. You might remember Adrian as the one-time antiganker who used to “plus one” on Kusion kills in Uedama, whilst crying about videogame psychopaths and denouncing Princess Aiko as “a whore of James”.  I certainly remember the cringy goofus. 

Channel Name: Anti-ganking
Session started: 2018.08.08 17:52:29

Hazen Koraka > a badge of shame for 10mil? lol
Adrian Vexier > I wonder if Kusion would sell me a permit…
Hazen Koraka > did kusion actually do anything last night?
Adrian Vexier > After you logged off, they did another gank.
Hazen Koraka > dang 🙁
Adrian Vexier > I damaged their cruisers and one catalyst.

Channel Name: Local
Session started: 2018.09.01 16:44:47
EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Uedama

Aiko Danuja > Kusion is in Uedama, if someone wants to report that.
Adrian Vexier > Kusion! Greetings!
Aiko Danuja > Kill: Harlequin seer Elderahn (Crane) Kill: Pacifist Priest (Machariel) Kill: felon Tsukaya (Occator) Kill: felon Tsukaya (Occator) Kill: Pacifist Priest (Capsule) Kill: Chaos-Master (Capsule) Kill: Chaos-Master (Orthrus) Kill: Flame Hawk (Gnosis) Kill: Flame Hawk (Capsule) Kill: VaiZaraza (Capsule) Kill: VaiZaraza (Gila) Kill: Toki Aivo (Loki) Kill: Randomize Jakuard (Gnosis) Kill: Steven Schiavone2 (Legion) Kill: Steven Schiavone2 (Capsule) Kill: DestinySpear (Deimos) Kill: DestinySpear (Capsule)
Adrian Vexier > you are merciless monsters!
Amarr Rockstarr > they are saviors of high sec
Aiko Danuja > Kill: Nidoya Aulx-Gao (Praxis)
Amarr Rockstarr > i don’t know who this james guy is but after seeing this i’m drinking that koolaid
Aiko Danuja > Join us, and make high sec a safe place for asteroids.
Adrian Vexier > you guys are full of roleplay bullshit. But I like that.
Aiko Danuja > It’s not roleplay, if you believe it.
Adrian Vexier > by the way, I piss on your worthless permits!
Aiko Danuja > Calm down miner!
Celeru > Aiko sounds like a giddy little school girl
Compact Tank > what????? you think being a highsec fucktard ganking bully is a good thing fuck you and james the rapist
Aiko Danuja > Adrien, would you like to purchase a permit?
Adrian Vexier > Aiko you can take your offer, moisturise it with vinnegar and carefully insert it into your behinf.

Channel Name: Local
Session started: 2019.01.22 23:29:20

Thinald Ishirai > i thought i could web myself out before they managed
Adrian Vexier > You guys are the darkness strangling New Eden’s trade routes.
Aiko Danuja > You can never web yourself out of a permit violation.
Adrian Vexier > These CODE ants envision themselves to be vaudevillian veterans, cast vicariously as both victims and villains by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
Classica > please fly through uedema to get your free eve online lesson
Adrian Vexier > CODE are the vicious, vindictive, viol vermin of EVE.
Eden Jayne Quiggins > Adrian Vexier STFU Concord whore. You play like a bitch.
Clone 1010011010 > Aiko Danuja How does it feel to be a CCP unpaid intern. Did James at least get a bonus when he set up Code or maybe a promotion.
Aiko Danuja > Yes.
PINCH en Chalune > Aiko Danuja keep quiet unhappy you are funny)))

Channel Name: Local
Session started: 2019.02.06 21:18:13
EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Isanamo

Adrian Vexier > Aiko Danuja you vermin… It is the utmost disconfort for me to simply be in the same system with you.
Aiko Danuja > Why is that?
Adrian Vexier > Because of your vile acts and parasitical nature.
Aiko Danuja > I have no idea what you are going on about.
Adrian Vexier > You picture yourself as an angel, but I know there is a devil rattling behind those bright blue eyes of yous…
Aiko Danuja > I am only an agent of James.
Adrian Vexier > A whore of James.

Channel Name: Private Chat
Session started: 2019.02.16 08:34:06

Adrian Vexier > Greetings, amarrian!
Aiko Danuja > I’m Khanid.
Adrian Vexier > Ok, my bad, then.
Aiko Danuja > Amarrians are from the island. It’s like the difference between English and German.
Adrian Vexier > Disregarding the roleplay between us, I have a serious thing that I think you could help me with.
Aiko Danuja > Help you with what? CODE. doesn’t roleplay, we are quite serious.
Adrian Vexier > And I do role-play. The things I say on local and do to you guys are intended for the in-game characters, not for the people in fron of the computers, controling them.
Aiko Danuja > Yes, of course. How could you real-life oppose James? That would be crazy.
Adrian Vexier > I hate this evil side of me…

Fortunately, since discovering his secret passion for the Saviourette, Adrian’s heart orbited a new centre of gravity. After confessing his innermost desires, you might say he became obsessed, or rather possessed? One thing is clear, the old antiganker is long dead, and permanently banned from antiganking. Rudokop hoped to smite this so-called demon, but was meddling with powers he couldn’t possibly comprehend. Verily, Princess Aiko’s dog is well trained, and eager to play. Always!

To be continued…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tueries de la Semaine

Bonjour, les amis! I woke up this morning and thought, “Oh boy! I can’t wait to see the Kills of the Week!” Without further ado, here are some ourses that got evicted between August 16th @ 00:00 EVEtime and August 22th @ 23:59 EVEtime.

***

May Hamu filled her Bestower with garbage, and couldn’t even be bothered to go full MWD cloak trick fit. Fortunately, Cargo Bandit enforced the Code. Great job!

***

Zigler was preparing to disband, when he got assistance from Joel Kusion, Jayson Kusion, Jason Kusion, Justin Kusion, and Master Kock. What nice boys!

***

They claim we are afraid to leave Highsec, but CODE. enforcers had no qualms about entering Niarja, even after it lost high security status. Autumn Schereau joined a coalition fleet with Pen Is Out, Test Alliance Please Ignore, Brave Collective, and Goonswarm Federation. Yes, TEST and the Imperium are at war, but we cooperate against the miners. marley rockwell was astonished by how quickly his Sleipnir was erased.

***

Seancelm was using his Orca as a storage unit, when Zopiclone, Krominal, Shilliam Watner, AGBee 513, Catalyst Whisperer, Rafa Quinterro, and The Kitchen Samurai arrived to take out the trash.

***

Suta Camelia adorned her Leshak with green and blue, but this didn’t save her from Never Gonna SeeGrandKids, Shadow Redemption, and Keraina Talie-Kuo.

***

Krispy Hirl was moving stuff, for no apparent reason. He wanted to do it all in one trip, and was bored out of his mind. Fortunately, he was rescued by Vitreous Humor, Highsec Goddess’ mi0, lady aspin, and The Goddess’ Chosen.

 

***

Wolf Blut decided to shield tank his Mackinaw, but forgot his mining permit. He was evicted by Shilliam Watner, Ulianov, and GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM.

Rudokop Forever, Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… He was a Highsec miner by day, but at night he became Rudokop, the Soviet demonhunter.

When Adrian Vexier confiscated Rudokop’s mining drones, the Russian bear was determined to send Adrian into an eternal gulag.

Adrian offered a second opinion, suggesting that perhaps Rudokop’s highsec mining fetish was symptomatic of a deeper underlying cognitive deficiency. However, Rudokop doubled down upon threats of eternal damnation.

Rudokop was smiling in game, but in real life he wasn’t so thrilled.

On the unpaved streets of Krasnotankymagnetgrad, Rudokop’s real life main endured endless misery, watching as his native community was torn by strife. Last week, a motorist was torn asunder by an angry mob of unemployed miners, desperate to drink a litre of warm motor oil. In such a world, Rudokop’s solace was EVE Online, a relaxing universe where he could share the means of production with his alts and peacefully mine in solidarity. At least, until a demonic force was drawn to his mining drones.

Rudokop knew he could not defeat the demon through PvP, so he hoped to negotiate a victory, offering to pay 50 million isk for Adrian to die in real-life.

When Adrian refused to take the bait, declining the offer of free isk, Rudokop was forced to implement a tough love psyops campaign of hate mail.

To be continued…

***

PRINCESS THOUGHTS: I’m the Saviourette, not merely of Highsec, but of the New Order itself. A couple people questioned this, and one of them is no longer with us, but everyone else agrees that I am the future. It’s simple, just look at how antigankers feel about me, and do the math. You are either closer to me, or them.


John E Normus
was in comms last night, and the man is a true champion, who once flew with legends of yore. Before the mighty CODE. alliance even existed, your forefathers set forth in the footsteps of the Sheikh, guided only by their timeless lust for a Khanid princess. Yea, and Helicity did declare that Jihadswarm was the way, and the VCBees led them out of darkness and unto the light of Orcageddon. Many hulks thus died in vain, and yet we continue, thanks to the heroic effort of the pioneers.

John E Normus drops by from time to time, just to say hi, letting everyone know that he isn’t quite dead. Tweeps is always desperate in these moments, like an eager puppy greeting his master, but John stepped right past him and looked directly at me, “Princess Aiko, it’s good to see you.” The tone in his voice said it all, John knows exactly what I’m up to. He then declared unto the assembly, “Aiko is doing good work. Two months ago, this alliance was dead in the water. She has saved the CODE. She has saved you from yourself.” I guess that’s why they call me the Saviourette, right? That’s right. 

When 315 begged me to return, I tried to explain that I couldn’t remember my old account login, and the Imperial Guards are content to slumber into oblivion. Was it truly necessary for me to come back and seize control of his newfangled upstart space regime? I had my own doubts, but agreed to give it a try, as miners provide precious content. I can’t say for sure whether I will save the alliance tomorrow, but I can say that I saved it yesterday, and I saved it today, and I’ll probably do it again.

Of course, I wouldn’t truly be the Saviourette of Highsec, if people weren’t painting artwork to celebrate my glorious reign. However, they are, and that’s just a fact. Check out this nice piece by Minerbitch. Lookin hot! The bears better pray James 315 isn’t dead, because otherwise they are stuck with me, and I’m not as messianic.

NOW HEAR THIS

Rudokop Forever

In the award-winning film Robocop, the antagonist is a bot aspirant employed by Omni Mining Corporation. This same character exists in EVE Online, where he is known as Rudokop. In both cases, the character is a shameful golem, which serves the interest of a nefarious high security conglomerate. One day, Rudokop was stealing ore, when Adrian Vexier confiscated his illegal mining drones.

This is war, this is not peace.
Dark slime fills the aether.
Dead children don’t touch the heart.
Black mark for all gentiles!

Rudokop’s PvP alt is Ivan Mihalich SIM, who roleplays as someone salty.  

Adrian is not very good at taking screenshots, but does that make him a demon?

Ironically, according to CCP, Adrian is a saint! Whereas Rudokop’s security standing is 0.7, Adrian’s is fully 4.3 points higher! Is it possible that those who embrace the Code are better at carebearing than the carebears themselves?

Rudokop was clearly jealous!

When Rudokop tried to exorcise the demon, he was dismayed to see yet another demon appear in local, and they began to discuss him with clinical disdain.

Life is hard for Soviet bears…

Perhaps Rudokop could find a way to win, in the afterlife…

To be continued…

 

Kage Rage, Part 7

Previously on James 315.Space… Space bully kage1982 was griefing Ernst Steinitz, who was sorely triggered and saltily cancelled kage’s docking and tethering rights at Isanamo’s popular Home for Young Miners.

Despite the termination of his YMCA membership, kage continued to orbit the station, guzzling an endless flood of ganker tears.

As kage orbited the YMCA, he was distracted by a personal invitation from the lovely Princess Aiko. Apparently, he was living rent free in her head.

Ever since he was first ganked back in 2008, kage has dedicated his life to extracting salt from gankers, by allowing them to gank him again and again. One of kage’s favourite rhetorical tricks is to roleplay as someone who isn’t upset.


It was quite the magic trick. An entire Garmur vanished, along with kage’s pod!

This is what kage planned all along, giving him the perfect opportunity to extract more salt. Haha, the stupid gankers fell for it again!

To be continued…

I Actually Do Run Jita (fyi)

Hello, friends! As you know, I’m currently listening to soft jazz, whilst dunking freighters and orcas in Uedama. In the background, I can hear a miner happily singing the Code as he transfers all his assets to me, and I’m also taking a minute to write in my famous blog. Yes, that’s right, it’s just another typical evening for those who have the good sense to support our mighty New Order. Praise us!

There’s been a lot of talk lately, and I have to agree with what people are saying. Sometimes you meet someone within CODE. and they don’t get it. They aren’t truly one of us. Meanwhile, you’ll meet someone outside the alliance, and they won’t even have a permit! Somehow, that person is still a member of our team? Cargo Bandit is one such gal. A friendly lady, brave enough to get into voice comms, and smart enough to not give me all her stuff. Although Academy of the Unseen Arts has historically been carebear potato garbage, Cargo Bandit managed to start a ganking special interest group, turning retrievers and procurers into thrashers and tornadoes. Not bad!

A fledgling ganker recently contacted me with some alarm, upset about the fact that I authorized unrestricted ganking warfare in Jita. Now that James is dead, there is a lot of confusion about what it means to support the New Order. Did James ever approve of the tornado? What about the thrasher? Aren’t we all supposed to be in catalysts, and only in catalysts? Oh my, who is even responsible for training the new gankbros? I guess this task falls upon me, as Saviourette of the New Order, to remind everyone that James was always a big believer in dunking the miners. Always! Cargo Bandit may not have a mining permit, but she definitely has a CODE. certified ganking permit.

Hayden Faiel tried to smuggle a blueprint out of the Jita Naval Yard, and fortunately Cargo Bandit’s friend Orin Uldarin was on duty. Hayden was thus saved the embarrassment of getting caught in Uedama with a freighter full of oracles, and was grateful for the opportunity to purchase his permit. What a lucky fellow!


Hayden was so delighted by Orin’s dutiful enforcement of the high security zone, that he voluntarily donated a billion isk!

Unfortunately, Hayden was a little confused about who runs Jita.

When he asked to speak with a supervisor, Hayden was shocked to discover women were in charge. For some reason, he just didn’t like them.

Like many miners, Hayden was a griefer space bully.

After glancing at our killboard, Hayden realized that scorpions and leshaks aren’t an effective deterrent to the New Order. Instead, he demanded a do-over. Perhaps his corvette would have been victorious in Nullsec?

Needless to say, his threats weren’t credible.

It was just another day in Highsec…

 

 

 

Apples in the Orchard, Part 4

Apples in the Orchard, Part 1

Previously on James 315.Space… Gripen ANM was a vegetable, fruit, or other such consumable object. This loot pinata dropped his Orca, several drones, an interceptor, some random spaceship, a frigate, and a pod full of illegal implants. TheInternet TweepsOnline TheInternet thus declared a harvest festival.

While they waited for teleport to my Crystal Palace, Tweeps and Gripen enjoyed a polite chat. Contrary to allegations, the mighty CODE. alliance is polite and professional, routinely purging itself of space bullies and griefer bots.

Finally, Gripen was ushered into the lofty chambers of our Space Princess, and her loyal advisors Rabid Raccoon and Salty Tortoise. In a state of nature, it is important to blend in with your environment. Indeed, our heroes were fittingly attired in the drab greys and browns of eternal victory, while Gripen stood out like a shiny apple.


Over the past decade, a lot of people have wondered about the key to our success. How did a Highsec alliance with no industrial or mining division manage to become the most powerful organization in New Eden? Was it the venerated blog, the dank Venture hunting contests, or the dusty MinerBumping channel? All these elements played a role, but the secret ingredient is elite voice PvP. Inevitably, miners begin singing joyfully and praising Princess Olga’s punishment of the naughty Drevlians, whilst smearing peanut butter and mayonnaise across their nude face. They thus learn to have full faith in the process, and voluntarily move all assets to our tropical resort in northwestern Guyana.

After a quick API security scan, it was revealed that Gripen attempted to join Goonswarm, but was rejected by Karmafleet’s Pari Shana. Pari missed her chance to win, but my elite CODE. agents knew exactly how to proceed. Gripen was delighted to learn that I have an alt in GoonWaffe, who would be happy to reverse Pari’s hasty decision. No problem friend! Let’s start moving your stuff to Jamestown!

Some people claim that we are space vampires, who psychologically torment and humiliate miners, laughing gleefully as they cry in despair. The reality is we simply want to eat. Why would we taunt a mere apple?

To be continued…