Thanks for the free isk, bro – Part 2!

Previously on James315.Space… 246624 was a happy bot, enjoying its Mackinaw and Harvester drones. Highsec is a good place for botting, or so 246624 calculated, before its Mackinaw magically disappeared. Where did the Harvester drones go? 246624 was instantly teleported to my wonderful chat channel, known to the EVE community as the greatest content funnel in the galaxy: Why Was I Ganked? Here, the bot appears daily, dutifully processing data and trying to discern reality.

Recently, 246624 receved an input request for 100 million isk, and its programming malfunctioned. Instead of the requested amount, 246624 sent a cool billion isk, and proudly displayed its new mining permit.

Most EVE players don’t consider selling a mining permit. Nobody actually buys those, right? A few gankers sell them for a measly ten million isk, but why stop there? 100 million? A billion? Dear reader, some miners will pay 100 billion, and that’s no joke. I could tell that 246624 was ready to become a nullsec nomad.

I used to work in sales, and I’d have the boys fill semi-trucks with whatever they could toss in. They’d pack crates sideways and wedge them in tight, so you couldn’t even unload, and I definitely sent all that banged up merchandise from when the tower of money collapsed (because illegal Javier backed a forklift into the pyramid). Just read the contract closely friend, and good luck getting your stuff out of the truck, before the driver charges overtime. I guess it was all damaged in shipping? Just file a claim, friend, we’ll get that taken care of right away! I really appreciate your business, friend, it’s been a real pleasure! People would be calling in crying, got the wrong item, so sad, wrong color, wrong size, doesn’t work, paid way too much. Friend, that’s how it’s done! Please hold. Always!

246624 was confused. Why would anyone want to hurt a bot? However, I like to play fair, and made sure that 246624 knew exactly who it was talking to. Look, I’ve been yapping for nine years about this whole New Order thing, but some miners just aren’t willing to pay attention. That’s not my fault, friend. I kindly linked my coronation speech. Turn up the volume and listen closely, there’s a hidden message!

I even showed 246624 the EVE learning curve. I’m up here bulldozing miners, and crucifying them in the name of James. Are you a miner?

Unfortunately (or perhaps, fortunately, depending on one’s perspective), the bot simply could not compute these cold equations. All it really wanted was to use excavator drones in Highsec. Wouldn’t that be nice?

It was time to start playing EVE, and 246624 was in for a treat.

The Mackinaw is fully fitted, right? Of course, friend! I would never gouge a bot.

Here, friend, have a Maller! I’m happy to help.

I wanted to sell a stack of drones for 3 billion, but 246624 was running out of money, for some mysteriously inexplicable reason.

I had to do some quick math… 400 million?

In a spooky space channel, I admitted that my success in EVE is utterly surreal.

246624 got the Mackinaw, but something was apparently wrong.

I wanted to help, but what happened?

Is there a terrorist cult in EVE Online?

We must defeat the evildoers!

246624 was inspired by her Princess.

All miners must rally to the orange banner!

Bots are lucky to have powerful friends in Highsec.

To be continued…
 

 

Stark Raving Mad, Part 6

Stark Raving Mad, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… VictorStark Stark and his alt Lilliana Lestrange enjoyed karaoke night, with James 315 and his kickboxing supermodel girlfriend, Aiko Danuja. Victor was impressed to meet the charming head of the mighty CODE. alliance, and was not in the least surprised to learn that Aiko is a real-life princess with an ironclad claim to the Holy Roman Empire. Like any reasonable person, he happily turned over all his isk and assets, even trading skill injectors for skill extractors.

As we saw in Highsec Miner Grab Bag #208, Victor wasn’t an ideal candidate to serve as the successor to James. Nevertheless, James was planning to pass away, and willing to consider trading the alliance to Victor. The interview seemed to go well, and Victor committed himself to the Oath of Poverty. Unfortunately, things took an awkward turn, when Victor failed to show full faith. Elite NOL director Super Perforator encouraged Victor to proceed with his application to CODE. and accept appointment as executor of the alliance, but Victor was focused only on petty pecuniary interests.

Meanwhile, Lilliana was jealous that her main trusted Aiko more than his own alt.

It soon became clear that James might blue pen an alternative candidate.

Victor realized, too late, that Aiko wanted the alliance for herself.

That shameless blue digger cast a spell on James!

Lilliana vented her frustration at everyone in Audaerne.

Anyone might be a Danuja alt…

Fortunately, Lilliana wasn’t salty.

Capsuleers heard a MinerBumping episode was being filmed, and traveled from across the galaxy, with dreams of being cast as an extra.

The conversation encouraged a vibrant discussion of game mechanics.

Eventually, it was a wrap. Everyone got what they wanted, but they naturally hoped Lilliana might return for an encore.

Unfortunately, Lilliana no longer wished to speak with anyone.

She appeared quite mad, cackling hysterically in the middle of nowhere.

Although Aiko was blocked, mysterious strangers let the Princess know that Victor was thinking of her. Might he return for another episode?

To be continued…

 

Drep Vikunnar

Kills of the Week Before

Here are some bera that got obliterated between September 6 @ 00:00 EVEtime and August 12 @ 23:59 EVEtime. Haha, just kidding, time doesn’t go backwards.

***

Dart Zannah had a Nightmare, and woke up shivering. It turns out the Nordwind is approaching Hek, and it’s awful cold in space.

 ***

Alex Jefferson was glad Hulkageddon is over, warping to the belt with all haste, but unfortunately he didn’t have room in his cargo for a mining permit. The Tactical Narcotics Team is proud to enforce CODE. compliance.

***

Isogren Faith Ronuken loved her little salvage retriever. Alas, false faith led her astray, and she encountered a purple ball of TNT.

***

Shadow Uzumaki Jr wanted to try everything EVE has to offer. Whadda Badasaz and Lavish DeGankar suggested Shadow stop mining and try dunking battleships.

***

Ares PK was into Death by dying, and got his wish. PogChampion, Bob Welder, big brutor two, and Loota’Plex are good boys.

***

When Akasha Thorne isn’t giving me three fortizars, she is forcing everyone in her alliance to embrace total CODE. compliance. It’s the law!

Taylor accepted judgment with grace and dignity, unlike so many carebears. 

When Princess Aiko demands feudal subservience, she doesn’t just want you to turn over all assets (including three fortizars). She also expects the vassal levy.

***

BONUS: The New Eden Police Force has declared CODE. to be the “most wanted” group in the galaxy. It’s true. A lot of people truly love us, and I’m sure you will enjoy the Anti-Ganking Security Guide.

I offered to edit their website, but they couldn’t afford to pay me. Remember, if you need help with grammar and spelling, contact a CODE. agent today!

***

DOUBLE BONUS: Zane Arnolles encourages everyone to watch this informative video, which (now that James is dead) appears more relevant than ever. It’s a decent introduction, although it fails to discuss how our Princess managed to seduce the Byzantine emperor and thereby turned him into a loyal simp.

 

Taking out the Trash

Listening to: Tripping with the Ducktators

When an attractive girl is popular with boys, it’s not uncommon for jealous rivals and incel betas to scrawl scandalous things about her, on the powder room wall. Recently, I was in the armory polishing an especially large gun, when I noticed something similar written on the bulkhead. Directly under a sign that said, “WARNING: ACTIVE NEUTRON FIELD!” someone wrote a most shocking claim, “NOL IS TRASH!”

I fondly remember the ten days I spent in New Order Logistics, during which I enjoyed hanging out with Currin Trading in a ritzy Perimeter saloon. He spent a lot of time teaching me all about market hedge funds, and generously invested in my lucrative Ponzi scheme. So how could someone think that a fine corporation, led by such an upstanding businessman, is nothing more than ‘trash’? Either they are jealous, or perhaps they have New Order Logistics confused with New Order Logistic?

***

This is trash.

***

This is taking out the trash.

***

When people think of New Order Logistics, they perhaps most often remember John E Normus. Indeed, he was a great quarterback for the team, but I’ve personally been quite impressed by someone called Guybertini. He often works deep behind enemy lines, operating far from the overflowing depots of Isanamo and Uedama. When he drops another Naga upon some sleepy miner, I gasp every single time.

Frankly, I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m a fan.

I want to be cool, like that Guy.

He has dunked more than 7500 miners.

Guybertini ejects them straight out of the game.

The aspierants truly appreciate his content.

He’s even got a sense of humor.

This alliance needs alpha males like Guybertini.

Recently, he encountered a Covetor pilot who wasn’t AFK.

Or so the miner claimed…

The bot was studying for a degree in returning space law.

However, instead, it should just study Guybertini.

For some reason, this really upset the goblok.

Maybe, someday, miners won’t be incompetent poors.

Regardless, we will extirpate them all.

The Best Revenge, Part 84

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Listening to: Smooth Jazz for Grownups

Previously on James315.Space… aiva naali, aka His Excellency Supremo the High Lord Grand Generalissimo, has long been the strategic mastermind behind Pandemic Horde’s crushing defeat. As the archmaester of Goonswarm, our ‘lil bullet is determined to achieve maximum efficiency within the Grand Armadee.

Agent Anvil gives the orders, and Princess Aiko executes his will.

A mere woman, the Princess is a loyal servant, but sometimes she interprets the orders a little too literally. She is still learning how to do her job.

The Mittani himself, as you may recall, had to personally intervene in order to ensure she was properly transmitting orders. When Mittens asked why lanceing fleet was moving so slowly, her answer left a lot to be desired.

The entire offensive ground to a leisurely halt.

Fortunately, there was some good news.

Just then, disaster struck!

The imperial suppercomputer had seen better days.

Via his cellphone, quantum informed High Command that he would need a little time, before he could return to the battlespace.

Meanwhile, there were other pressing issues.

Princess Cupcake urged quantum to save humanity.

Was this the end of quantum’s best revenge??? Would Pandemic Horde survive to fight again? Was the end of the world nigh at hand?????

To be continued…

BONUS: CCP Rise has drawn a CODE. police skin for the Atron!

 

 

 

Remember, remember, September the Tenth

A Day of Remembrance

Someday, they might come for me. They just might ban Princess Aiko! A few months ago, Sievert Solutions reported me for seducing Kelroth‘s wife, and a steamy weekend in Toledo turned into a scandal which shocked EVE Online’s Mormon community. The news spread like wildfire, lesbian bondage is happening in Highsec, and then there’s also the matter of $25’000 (not to mention all the singing, and that dead dog)!

If you let jellybears tell this story, it sounds like I am an absolute space bully. A vindictive little witch who sneaks into your Teamspeak, and seduces your entire alliance. Hide your wife, hide your freighter, they ganking everything up in here!

These gankbears were both in CODE., and they are both super salty that I dunked them out of the alliance. Let’s be honest. They were cringy wannabe space bullies, who would obsessively write obscene things unto the miners, desperately trying to trigger them. They cried loudly when things did not go their way, and I found their content to be not quite up to snuff. New Order gankers are classy professionals, not teenage alcoholics.

I warned them both, I waited, and finally I put them down. James has no tolerance for rabid dogs, and I am the Sword of Justice. Now they have taken to the forums, spreading the ‘truth’ and desperately hoping to scam CCP into taking action against me. They are convinced, if they can find a way to manipulate public opinion, that CCP will wield the banhammer without regard for facts. If you read carefully, they also take issue with “the blog” and “salt farming”. That’s right, they want CCP to permaban James 315 (again).

***

I haven’t gotten around to writing about Kelroth, but the man was an absolute pleasure to do business with. We got along, and had a party. He decided to buy a wormhole, and invest in my Jita market hedge fund. Kelroth also wanted to purchase a lifetime mining permit. The first time he transferred me fifty billion isk, I asked him why? Why was he doing this? His answer was simple enough, “You are my favourite bitch.”

Kelroth liked the ‘bonus room’, which we now refer to as the ‘extra room’, to avoid negative connotations. He enjoyed singing I’m a Barbie GirlBehind Blue Eyes, and a host of other songs. He read the CODE. with gusto, relishing Princess Olga’s humiliations unto the dirty Drevlians. It was the typical situation, not unlike so many others, in which a Highsec miner decides to throw a lavish party and entertain his new friends. Am I going to get banned for simply sitting in a chat channel, accepting contracts, and encouraging a miner to calm down and have fun? Am I going to get banned for laughing? 

Sometimes, after the fact, miners will have second thoughts. It’s kind of like how a big spender might wonder if he really should have bought that third round of drinks. Perhaps they went a little far, dancing around with a lampshade on their head, and trying to grope their charming hostess? If you leave your waitress a thousand dollar tip, is she a monster simply because she has an alliance to bankroll?

***

There have been real life lawsuits, when a billionaire snorts too much Mindflood, and decides he was over-charged for exotic dancers. I get it, but what am I supposed to do? Should I politely decline these incessant contracts? Should I tell the miners, that they should instead contact Hard Knocks or send everything to Chance Ravinne (as agreed). Maybe they need to ring up Scooter McCabe, and he will do the exact same thing as me, except not as well and with a ‘space court’ theme.

In my opinion, the rules of the game are clear, the EULA is clear. The law is crystal clear. Just consider Mason v. Machine Zone, which the United States District Court of Maryland summarily dismissed, “Plaintiff paid for the privilege of playing with Defendant’s in-game currency, and she got precisely what she bargained for… It would be unjust to return those funds to Plaintiff after she benefited from the enhanced gaming experience that gold evidently delivers.” Likewise, I’m offering an enhanced gaming experience in EVE Online, and my content is very pricey. If you wanna fly with Princess Aiko, you are either gonna be ganking or you are gonna take a solemn oath of poverty.

I’m not going to write a treatise, but the international consensus seems to be settled. For example, the Australian Law Reform Commission of 2011 investigated this. They concluded that in-game currency is nothing more than ‘extra playtime’, which you gain or lose according to skill and whims of fate. You either lose points and get dunked into bankruptcy, or you get more points and keep playing. If you run out of points, you can hop in a Corvette, or pull out your credit card. If you lose the game, that’s on you. Of course, people get agitated about credit cards and PLEX, and I’ve got a suspicion how these miners are funding their tribute. Sievert Solutions told CCP that I “force” miners to buy PLEX, which isn’t true, but will CCP believe me? What am I supposed to do? I just want them to stop mining, but they insist on paying. They want my content, and they want me.

You can play for free, or you can pay CCP for PLEX, skill points, and ultimately isk. You can grind it the hard way, or you can just ask CCP to give you a fat stack. Regardless, isk is not real. It is Monopoly money. It is not legal tender. When a Final Fantasy player lost the equivalent of 400 billion isk, his local police informed him that they would not investigate the ‘theft’, because in-game currency is “devoid of monetary value“. You lost your money when you paid CCP, and whatever happens after that is entirely on you. If you give it all to me, I’m gonna take it. We are playing Dungeons and Dragons, and the GM is selling purple loot. Go ahead and give me your stuff, that’s fine. Right?

Of course, if somebody has a gambling problem, or a mental problem – CCP should gently cut them off. I don’t want anyone to invest their life savings into a video game. I don’t want them to spend all their money at the liquor store either. I personally can’t tell if they are a teenager stealing money from a poor grandmother’s purse, or a wealthy tycoon in real-life. Regardless, I’m not a bad person for taking everything they have, because I didn’t actually take anything. I’m not a monster, simply because you land on my Boardwalk hotel. I’m playing a game, and I’m playing to win. Always!

Is it wrong, this thing I’m doing so very well?

James put it quite succinctly, “The whole situation is murky, and CCP should clarify the rules.” Six years later, we are still waiting for a response. Are we allowed to speak to miners, and take all their stuff, yes or no? Are we allowed to host karaoke night? Are we allowed to flirt? Are we allowed to smile? We now assume that we aren’t allowed to post a recording of some miner screaming at us. We’d sure like to, but we refrain. However, is it ok if we post screenshots of local chat? The galaxy wonders.

***

I haven’t gotten around yet to writing about the Princ3e yet, but according to him, he is a real-life prince of Abu Dhabi. He’s a student at Harvard, runs his own cigarette smuggling operation in New York, and he likes me — I’m a Princess. He sent a lot of isk, and I seduced him into moving his mining corporation to lowsec, where he lost a lot more isk. The mining witch also liked me, because it’s nice to hang out in comms with a real-life teenage Italian princess. He enjoyed telling me how much he wanted to see me naked, while contracting over all his assets. It’s not my fault that I’m a beautiful attractive young woman, and I’ve never once broken a real-life law, not even in-game. I’ve never offered to trade sex for isk. I haven’t even lied. I told Kelroth that I’d be happy to go into a wormhole with him, and I meant it. I’d love to shoot him in a wormhole. I said the same thing to the Prince, and we went to lowsec as agreed. As for the mining witch, as I will eventually explain, we had a falling out because he didn’t like my strong Christian values.

Will I be banned for talking to lonely men and taking all their stuff?

***

I caught up with Gripen ANM the other day. He was a little disappointed by what happened. He was surprised (and mildly amused) to see himself on the blog. He thought, “What have I done? How could I be so stupid?” His friends had a similar viewpoint. They said to me, “You are fucking brilliant mate! How could you do that? It was like you put a spell on him. He knew five people in wormholes, and everyone would have moved him in without charging anything. All he had to do was ask. Instead he accused us all of being Pandemic Horde spies, and you were the only one he trusted! That’s amazing!” Well, I’m pretty good at what I do, friends. I don’t know if I’m the best, but I’m definitely one of the best.

I was concerned, because Gripen Aikumi is such a nice young lad catgirl, and I didn’t want him her to be upset. I didn’t want her to be sour. I reached out to her recently, and we had a chat. You know what? Gripen is still playing EVE (on another account, of course). She’s back at it, and she is inspired. She no longer wants to mine. She no longer wants PvE. She wants to play the game for real. She wants to do PvP. She is in nullsec, and she is happy. She realizes now what the game is. She is suddenly alert. Those people selling a nullsec system might be scamming her. They might be giving her a titan, just so they can shoot it. Of course, they are gonna let her transfer all her stuff into a citadel. Of course, they’d love to have her join their fleet. She gets it now. She likes it. She even said, “Thank you. I re-assessed one of my real-life relationships, and saw what was happening. I would have lost a lot of real money, without this wake up call. Thank you.” I told Gripen, “Look, you bought a lot of Catalysts. If you ever want to come gank, just let me know, a friend of the New Order is always welcome in my fleet.” So she just might start ganking, and she wouldn’t be the first person to lose everything, and be saved. That’s the miracle of Halaima.

Of course, Akumi still seems a little confused…

***

You know, it all started in Runescape, that’s where I first met James. We were social workers, trying to liberate the same group of Filipino sweatshop farmers. When I realized James had his own car, I wound up drinking pumpkin spice lattes at Starbucks, while he droned on about some stupid first-person shooter. Before long, those lattes turned into cranberry vodka, and we were doing karaoke. We had a great time, and I’m sure he woke up one morning and thought, “What have I done? Did I really just waste $350 on champagne?” Well yeah, I mean, why would I want the cheap stuff? Eventually, we discovered World of Warcraft, where we made some new friends: Siegfried, Globby, Tweeps, and Ehnea. James became the notorious scatman, and we all enjoyed Friday night Teamspeak karaoke. Before long, I figured out how to enchant a spacecraft, and we traveled to a distant galaxy. One day, after a long night with James, I had a sore throat. So we asked the miners to sing, and they seemed to love it. It’s not a scam, it’s just space karaoke! 

At some point, Erotica 1 joined our merry little group, and he liked me very much. In fact, he still does. It’s no secret that Erotica wants to marry me (in real life), and he actually has proposed to me on multiple occasions.

 

He’s not a bad guy, he’s really not. Sure, he’s done and said some things which annoy me, but the stories are exaggerated. The legends are distorted. If a miner smears peanut butter all over their face, that’s not because anybody has a fetish for peanut butter. It’s just that sometimes miners do these things, and we really can’t stop them.

The sheer amount of sexual harassment I endure is staggering, with grotesque comments, pornographic pictures, and detailed instructions for just how exactly I am going to be fucked. The miners are far worse than Erotica 1, of that I have no doubt. So why doesn’t CCP ban them? Why did they ban Erotica, and so many others? Sometimes, it feels there is a bit of a double standard. Perhaps, it’s because people in CODE. are reluctant to report inappropriate behavior. We simply take screenshots and post it on our blog. We believe in public shaming, instead of crying to mother CCP. Honestly, if I reported every outrageous thing that was said to me, then I would be continually sending reports.

It’s my opinion that CCP shouldn’t ban anyone for ‘bad behaviour’. Unless someone is breaking a real-life law, unless there is an active criminal investigation, CCP should ignore it. Miners should be allowed to rant and rave, crying as loudly as they want, and men will settle disputes like men. There’s no point in trying to censor content, all that does is create this weird situation where ‘white knight’ hypocrites run around reporting everyone, while they themselves engage in worse behavior. I don’t even care about bots or input broadcasting. I honestly don’t. I will hunt your bot down, I will find a flaw in your programming, and I will dunk you. CCP could even advertise botting as a feature. Imagine a game where scripting is not only allowed, but actively encouraged, with some of the best and brightest competing to develop an effective AI. It might even improve the game, if CCP makes the effort to add engaging content and intricate game mechanics.

***

Unfortunately, the ban wave of September 10, 2014, continues to be remembered as an injustice. CCP was willing to retract its ban of Brisc Rubal, concluding that they over-reacted. A similar appeal should be granted to victims of Septembergate. Imagine whatever you like about Erotica, but he wasn’t the only one banned for accepting isk and contracts, while enduring hours of subpar karaoke. Some of those banned did nothing at all. They were simply invited to a channel, sat there AFK while they went to work, and suddenly they were permabanned — purely because of a chat channel invite. Guilty by mere association! Indeed, if you set someone as a contact, they can bring you into a channel with no option to decline! This is true, even if you set them to terrible standings! Meanwhile (and yes, we still have voice recordings), individuals such as Scooter McCabe were active participants in the ‘Bonus Room’. Why was he not banned? Is it possible that CCP steps on little people, who lack name recognition, and treats celebrities with a velvet glove?

Brisc Rubal recently sent me isk, so am I going to be banned for accepting it? Am I going to be banned for continuing to chat with Erotica on Discord, and being polite as he tries to seduce me, even though he knows I already have a wonderful boyfriend? Am I going to be banned because I like karaoke, and I enjoy singing songs with my friends? Am I going to be banned, because I click accept on every 0 isk contract and trade that a miner decides to send me? My goodness, they send so much stuff, and I often don’t even ask for it. Sometimes I even discourage it! Am I wrong to click accept? 

***

The Sokhar Bonus Room was a dramatic moment in EVE history. Sokhar went on and on in local, proclaiming to everyone that bonus rooms are a scam. However, he wasn’t so sure. Indeed, it’s not a scam. It’s an audition. If we like you, if we enjoy singing songs with you and hanging out in Teamspeak, then you are going to be joining a very exclusive club with the coolest people in EVE. On the other hand, every contest has its fair share of losers, and Sokhar was not a winner. He was drinking, his wife was drinking, and like so many families they began screaming and shouting. Someone suggested his wife should calm down, and that didn’t seem to help. My lord, what a shrill trainwreck.

However, despite Ripard Teg‘s carebear ranting, no real harm was done. Sokhar and his wife would have been screaming at each other, even if there was no Bonus Room. They would have been throwing things and arguing about who was responsible for turning out the bathroom light. After the fact, much like Gripen, Sokhar made it clear to everyone that he was fine. He was playing a game. He even had a good time. He made some mistakes, but all in all, he was happy to have been a contestant in the galaxy’s greatest karaoke contest. Ripard, for all his concern about the manner in which we ‘tortured’ Sokhar, immediately threw Sokhar under the bus, concluding that Sokhar wasn’t competent to judge his own situation. Somehow, inexplicably, CCP went along with this. They banned so many good people, so many wonderful nice people. They banned my friends.

Ripard tried to claim that what we did was outrageous, because (he said) it was done purely for humiliation, and not for the isk. This is completely absurd on so many levels. When an antiganker jams my Catalyst, he isn’t doing it for isk. The only thing he wants is to ‘humiliate’ Princess Aiko, crowing about her ‘failure’. When we invite you into comms, to sing a few songs, we just really want to hear you sing. If you are good, great, everyone is gonna have a blast. If you are terrible, yes, we are gonna laugh. However, let’s be completely honest. What we also want is your isk, your assets, and everything you have. If you would like to just contract it over, without any singing, that’s totally fine. In fact, the ideal ‘bonus room’ is not a drawn out torture chamber. The script goes about like this:

Q: Do you pledge everything you have to the New Order, accepting High King James 315 as the one true God, and Princess Aiko as the Sword of Justice? Do you swear fealty unto us, here and now, accepting that we are your sovereign overlords who rule by divine right?

A: Yes, of course, here is everything I have. I exist to serve you.

We look back on the Great Banning and wonder. Will CCP ever do the right thing, and review this terrible decision? Will they finally acknowledge that people have been singing songs and transferring assets for eons? Will they admit that this content is not merely part of the game, but in fact IS the game. You can join any nullsec bloc today, finding endless porn and cringe. People screaming in comms, contracting stuff back and forth, and yes, they are singing songs. They are crying, wailing, shouting, plastering channels with content, and desperately trying to move upward by doing whatever ‘leadership’ wants. EVE is a game of social cliques, and you either make it to the next level, or you get dunked back down. We do it in Highsec, and we do it well, but it’s neither wrong nor unethical. 

***

Maybe someday CCP will ban Princess Aiko. They might snuff out the light of Highsec, and a terrible darkness will fall upon the galaxy. I don’t know. I wince every time I accept a contract, but when you offer to give me Park Place, I’m definitely gonna take it. I think miners are on a molasses spectrum. So why don’t you go ahead and do what I say. If you don’t mind, I’ll queue up the next song for you.

 

 

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #214

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #213

Listening to: Techno House Music Jazz Techno
(featuring Lewak‘s elite parkour)

The Highsec Miner Grab Bag isn’t truly a bag of mail, it’s actually just a folder of screenshots, which sits nicely between two polar opposites: Dracvlad and Guybertini. On the far left is a folder with the final instructions and testament of James 315, and on the far right is a growing case file on notorious criminal Hazen Koraka.

Indeed, my folders are continuously arrayed in this pattern of opposing magnetic forces, with Koraka’s inept random antiganking attempts being perfectly countered by the wise strategic musings of James. Of course, James anticipated the Jamespocalypse, and left me with clear instructions on what to do in the event of his ascension. Someday, when I am an old princess limping around my palatial study, I will publish this final testament. It is truly a treatise worthy of intense study, alongside those written by such legendary gankers as Marcus Aurelius, Musashi, Vegetius, and Sun Tzu.

Each screenshot in the Grab Bag reflects an epic story of heroism, a snapshot of the New Order’s glorious history. For example, stoneface Killervent was sorely dismayed, upon learning he might be expected to pay a penny per day to remain in Highsec. He packed his bags and headed for lowsec, where stoneface Corporation has lost 4.5 billion isk, without accomplishing anything. Despite these losses, they do not dare return to face judgment. They are 100% snuggly ‘pirates’! Perhaps they steal hugs?

At the bottom, I’ll show their one ‘kill’. Can you guess how they did it?

GuiltyDog Denver lost his Venture back in January, and vowed to stop mining forever. He was recently interviewed, and it appears he is not doing well.

We have been learning miner speak. Here is how a crab says “Fuck you, you fucking creatures. Aiko Danuja, suck my cock!” Gross!

Look miners, my boyfriend is God, so you better watch what you say to me. Of course, women are not the only victims of sexual harassment.

I kind of liked the images, but for some reason he stopped sending them.

Hey, it’s not a “High Security” zone because it’s safe to mine. It’s high-security because we enforce the law. Would you start digging at the airport?

EVE University fellow Valiran Teleros has been interning at the prestigious Why Was I Ganked? channel, where he teaches a course on reality.

 

Overall, miners seem pleased with my governance of Highsec. Although they are unhappy about their punishments, they enjoy being civilized.

When you are on the E-team, getting dunked on daily, it’s always nice when the Harlem Globetrotters make time to teach you a couple neat tricks (and some valuable life lessons). Of course, there are always a few bad sports.

Surprisingly, some miners don’t believe I’m a real-life teenage princess.

Princess Aiko Honoured in Amarr

That thread featured an encounter with Arrendis, an incompetent writer (and failed logistician) who is eternally jealous of James 315.

For example, look what grumpy Arrendis had to say about dear James, within my James 315 Day post. It’s just positively shocking. 

Calm down miner.

Regardless, most people instinctively acknowledge my elite noble lineage, and they understand that I’m definitely not roleplaying.

It’s just a real pleasure to spend time with me.

 How about that stoneface Corporation ‘kill’?

When do the days get better?
Tell me, when do the days get better?
When do the days get better?
When do the days get better?
When do the days get better?
Well, the days get better, when you decide.
When you decide.
When do the days get better?
The days get better, when you decide.

 

Thanks for the free isk, bro!

Previously on James315.Space… 246624 was programmed to lose Mackinaws and Harvester drones. It became a kill of the week, winning a FREE bonus escalation with Princess Aiko. Your official Saviourette often thinks about how much she thinks about herself, and proceeds to write about her glorious reign, because frankly it’s rather interesting. You should be doing what I’m doing, because then you wouldn’t be a poor. I’m actually trying to help. You can do this, if you have faith in the CODE.

It’s important to realize that miners, especially Highsec miners, have absolutely no idea what they are doing. CCP has scammed them into this theme park horrorshow, and the poor souls stumble from one confusing encounter to another. If you are one of these miners, searching Google to discover just what the CODE. is all about, just let James 315 explain what to do. It truly is possible to calm down and stop failing daily. On the other hand, if you already ran into me, it’s probably way too late.

It all comes down to faith. Do you believe in James, as a God, who created Highsec for his beloved Princess? Do you accept that all things, all stars, all planets, all spaceships, all miners, all of everything is permanently trapped in the spider queen’s web? If you can believe in that, then you can also understand that spiders eat flies, scorpions sting frogs, and wolves hunt fat bears. A swarm of bees can kill a rattlesnake, no doubt. This is what we do, friend. Some people fail daily, but others win daily. What side are you on?

In the beginning, James created Eve Online. The game was formless and boring, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of the VCBees was hovering upon the ice. And James said, “Let there be Aiko,” and there was Aiko. James saw the Princess was good, and he separated her from the foolish miners. So James created Aiko in his own image, and in the image of Helicity and the Sheikh he also created her. James blessed her and said to the faithful, “Be fruitful unto her and multiply, fill the galaxy and subdue the miners. Rule over the crabs, and be a destruction unto them.”

When I first met 246624, I just wanted to be friends. That’s all I really want. Some people say that I’m the greatest scammer in the history of EVE, Kelroth certainly thought so, but really I just like to please others. That’s why Erotica 1 proposed to me, in real-life. The secret truth is I’m just a fun girl who enjoys knowing that spaceships are exploding (even though I can’t see them), and I kind of like watching my isk score tick up to infinity. I think what James really wants is that I buy a bunch of Catalysts, and I’m trying my best, but mostly I just want a friend. So don’t go out there and ‘scam’ miners, just be their new best friend! In EVE, the best ship is friendship, and I’m gonna take as many as I can get.

If this is you, then you are playing EVE wrong. 200 million isk has a value of like $2. Buy PLEX in bulk, save your time, and let’s be friends. You don’t want to be grinding away for five cents an hour. No wonder miners get so grumpy when I dunk their mining ship! Just buy PLEX, and skip mining — easy! Or you can be like me and Zopi, soaring endlessly in the arms of the VCBees. We don’t need to mine in a Rorqual, or rat in a C6, because we are farming Highsec. I earn the dankest tics in the game.

246624 struggled to communicate. It had never met actual people before.

However, as we thanked the bot, it began to synthesize the heart-warming gratitude and thanks. 246624 carefully computed the messages,  and recognized that its sole purpose is to provide friendship unto me.

The bot quickly scanned the entire corpus of New Order literature, and immediately understood that the mighty CODE. alliance is a true friend of the miners. Naturally, 246624 anticipated that it would soon be sent on its merry way, once its blingy mining vessel was returned (along with the missing drones).

Unfortunately, a bug in the system prevented prompt payment.

Perhaps, I just needed to add an extra zero?

It was a bad bot, but it loved the permit, and I love to help.

Now we were ready to get down to business. Let’s play EVE.

To be continued…

 

 

 

To Stupid

My friends rely on me for emotional support. Sometimes, they just need the galaxy to know about a miner. As a woman, Alt 00 often encounters a form of communication familiar to elite alpha females.

That’s right. Today, we are going to talk about sexual harassment.

“I fuck you on all fours, room whore.”

“So listen to me good stooge, your mistress I’m going to put her on all fours, and put her deep in her ass.”

“Your princess, I fuck her.”

Alt 00 is also a survivor of mining abuse.

She hesitated to speak to a man about this, but knew another woman would sympathize. Of course, Alt was sure James 315 would understand, but couldn’t shake the fear that he might think less of her. She was so ashamed to admit the things that miners say, and worried James might want nothing to do with her. Would he blame her? Would he secretly believe she encouraged it, that she desired this toxic attention?

Your typical miner is a lonely man, frustrated that women aren’t interested in Veldspar or Spod. Alt has repeatedly informed Adrien Naline that she will not date him. Miners are disgusting. Gross! However, Adrien doesn’t care about mining permits or the eternal consequences of sin. He just wants one thing. Alt declined the nauseating offer, but Adrien is too stupid to understand.

From time to time, Adrien will drink a little courage, and try again.

Adrien thought about his feelings for months, and eventually decided to propose. Of course, Alt had no interest in such a terrible arrangement.

Recently, she was sorely dismayed by the death of James, and wondered if Princess Aiko would ever allow James to become God. In her grief, Alt went to mourn in Halaima. Eventually, she returned home to Nakugard, dressed in black.

Her beautiful eyes were hidden by dark sunglasses. Alt 00 was sad, but found solace, her faith renewed amidst despair. She was saved and born again.

Like many men, Adrien desperately intruded into a personal conversation.

Alt and Ehnea Mehk tried to continue their private discussion, gently hinting to Adrien that they really weren’t interested in him.

Adrien was in the ‘mood’. He only thought of himself.

Ehnea tried to get Adrian to understand how he could comfort Alt, but he believed that being obnoxious is how you attract a lady.

Meanwhile, local miners gathered around to view a portrait of their chaste teenage Saviourette. They seemed to really like her.

Aiko’s portrait drove the miners into a wild frenzy.

To be continued…

More Kills of the Week!

Oh boy, it’s Sunday, a day of rest in honor of when James created Highsec. It’s the perfect time to relax and acknowledge that the mighty New Order is dunking carebears into oblivion. It’s what they deserve. It’s what James 315 wants. It’s also what I want, and what any reasonable person wants. Here’s a video!

Gigacus Gank

Highsec miner Gigacus was desperately trying to compete with NPC miners, and  pleased to finally have an audience on his stream. However, the only people who watch Highsec mining streams are elite CODE. scouts (and people who enjoy watching miners face justice). Maybe he would have noticed James, if he was actually looking at his computer monitor. Did you know James is permabanned?

A few friends ate his retriever, and Gigacus tried to use the old “I’m having a real life tornado” excuse. Miner, tornadoes do not justify AFK mining! Gigacus tried to play off the gank like he didn’t care, but I could hear anguish in his voice, “Really, guys?” Oh yes, Gigacus — really! Permits are definitely a thing. I hope Gigacus understands that Princess Aiko does not approve of his inappropriate language.

I particularly enjoyed hearing Gigacus and his miner friend reminiscence about the good ‘ol days, when bumping was a literal thing, and not just a euphemism for taking out the trash. Highsec is different now. Anyways, after he calmed down, Gigacus reinvented himself as another kind of miner. My favourite part occurs here, when he takes his pet Gnosis for a little stroll. The soundtrack is just priceless , and it really gets you into the mind of a miner, and how they approach EVE. Gross!

***

Miners insist the CODE. is dead. Well, here are some bears that got extirpated between August 30 @ 00:00 EVEtime and September 5 @ 23:59 EVEtime.

***

Britannic Lord fancied himself something of an aristocrat, but really he was just a common peasant. Nordwind blew him away. They also killed an Occator, a Loki, an Impel, and another Occator. Looks like a storm is brewing!

***

Zuysheam didn’t realize that Aiko is burning Isanamo. His abyssal Christmas tree was erased, with a little help from Shilliam Watner.

***

Emilia yekaterina just wanted free easy isk, but didn’t even know how to capitalize her own name. She was promptly evicted by Whadda Badasaz, Shadow Redemption, Aimee Tzestu, and Zigam. Hm, James really does have new friends. 

***

McMahon Aivoras had a freighter, and a vision. He wanted to be a speedy express, with Shadow Serpentis Inertial Stabilizers. A special taskforce was dispatched, led by our allies Carmeth Andari, Aedaric, and Tyrek Marlinsano.

***

246624 is a poorly programmed bot, and equipped its Mackinaw with five (5) Harvester drones that now belong to Zopiclone. She did the right thing, and encouraged 246624 to start trading with nullsec nomad Princess Aiko. 

Thanks for the free isk, bro!

***

Bleks Penken was unaware the New Order is rapidly expanding. Volunteers are coming out of the deep, with names like Independence Day, Gallente Citizen I, Xarayac quiffin, First Gallente Citizen, Ivellious Gray, Taylor Corveau, and Momiji Tetsuyo. Hello friends, and welcome back to Highsec.

***

Khartausu let Michi excavate his brain. Ulianov and mat Otsito put him down.

***

Overheard in Teamspeak

“I’m humbled to be in the presence of Princess Aiko.”

“You fucking should be! Princess Aiko is the dark queen, an evil witch. People think she is the devil incarnate. They vow to hunt her down. They want to destroy her. She will destroy them. They say she is a monster. She will kill you and bathe in your skill points. I wanted to strangle and rape her, but she’s actually quite personable. The things she has done, I have read about them, it is brilliant. Those people are fucked. People want to kill Aiko, I wanted to kill Aiko, but I heard her talk and there is nothing in her voice that makes me want to kill her. I like her. She’s a terrorist, but a good woman. I used to hate CODE. Fucking HATE CODE. However, I realize now, they are teaching basic game mechanics to people who will never contribute to the game unless CODE. steps in to teach them a lesson. A harsh lesson, but a lesson they need to learn. It’s a basic service. She should be paid by CCP. I do not understand this whiteknight antiganker community. Astevon? He makes my hairs stand on end. He’s in a real-life cult, in real-life! People go grr goons grr, but why? If you don’t want to get ganked, fuck off and do better. If you are not willing to learn, to observe, then you have no place here. EVE is not a place for you. I hated CODE. so much, they ganked me, but then I realized they are funny. I moved into a wormhole. I close all the exits. I am a PvP God, but I don’t want CODE. to find my hole. Do you know how many bots CODE. uncovers? I hate EVE. I hate it so much. It ruined every other game for me. No other game has this. Aiko plays a triple game in one game. Aiko plays EVE like Magic the Gathering. Aiko is the ultimate thot, she has so many simps. You are talking to the Princess of Highsec? You are in way over your head. Most people think Aiko must be James, they cannot handle the truth. Imagine being trounced by a woman. It is such a blow to a man’s pride. We are all here today because of the spider queen. Her web is strong, very strong. Bow down to her!”