Category: Witchcraft

Rudokop Forever, Part 8

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously in James315.space… Adrian Vexier was seduced by the spider witch of Highsec. Consequently, he forsaked the antiganking community, transmorphing into a Russian hunting demon. Of course, the New Order logs and records absolutely everything (always), and there is naturally a video of the time that Rudokop Forever‘s alt SIM Gallent tried to trick Adrian. As faithful readers know, this didn’t work.

Afterward, Rudokop sulked, humiliated before a coven of demons.

He had faith, vengeance would come in the afterlife.

Local miners attempted to help Rudokop calm down.

However, he was beyond consolation.

Rudokop’s alt urged Adrian’s alt to betray his demonic leader.

Meanwhile, Rudokop cried as evil forces pushed him away from the ice and ore.

Alas, his favourite potato farm was haunted by space ghouls.

This was upsetting for him.

Rudokop’s alt foretold a dire prophecy. The demonic attacks would continue.

Indeed, Rudokop’s other alt was already doomed.

To be continued…

***

BONUS: Miners pretend the CODE. is some kind of Veldspar mafia, imagining James 315 as a mobster and a goon. Now that James is dead as a door nail, it is important that we resist such vile slanders. Blake McAllister‘s artwork portrays James as he really was: a dapper business man, and a respected pillar of the community.

Old James is as dead as a door-nail. Mind! I don’t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the galaxy’s done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that James is as dead as a door-nail.

 

 

The Best Revenge, Part 86

 The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously, in James315.space… the High Lord of the Delve, Avia Naali, aka Aiva Naali, aka Fighterjets Guitarsolo 1000years, aka quantum, aka The Suppercomputer, was whisked away to his secret quarantine command post.

Although Agent Anvil, aka 140, aka the ‘lil bullet was under strict orders to maintain secrecy, he took distinct pleasure in reminding Pandemic Horde of his success, taunting them from Goonswarm’s elite counterintel blog.

Pandemic Horde’s top espionage agents studied his every word.

From time to time, Agent Anvil would send secret messages.

Alas, he misspelled the encryption key, and nobody could decipher his communique.

Fortunately, quantum was willing to summarize with a brief tldr.

It was still partially encrypted.

The Gewnfuehrer inserted a lil speach.

He also adopted a foul mouthed vet type vibe, firing on a hapless Goon ganker.

Avia, aka AstevonWard OverGreer, was not impressed by ganking tactics.

As he concluded his lecture, delineating the now famous mad dog jelly fish tactic, 140 decided to donate some money to Goonswarm’s ecomimy.

To be continued…

 

Praise the Mighty GUIDE.

Highsec miners struggle to understand how they can safely earn isk, without effort or risk, while watching television. Fortunately, there is one corporation, which is always sometimes eager to save those who refuse to save themselves.

The New Eden Police Force has a lofty goal, to eliminate PvP in low security space. Of course, they aren’t able to survive in lowsec, and so they have been practicing in Highsec. Recently, the NEPF wrote a seminal GUIDE.

Like every antigank attempt, this immediately ended in an embarrassing failure. It appears that not only is the CODE. better at EVE, but we also seem to be better at literally everything else, including website stuff.

Gallente Citizen I > lol I think they might have posted a dead link
Jody Longbuck > url File not found.
Magalaus Shardani > yeah the domain is for sale

GUIDE. forces are undeterred by this permanent setback, and continue to spam the dead link across my galaxy, for reasons which can only be ascribed to a combination of bot aspierancy and an apparent inability to notice.

Meanwhile, mining refugees have been ordered to evacuate Poinen.

GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM > Kill: Illia Caela (Jackdaw)
GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM > Wah Huren > Kill: Ulianov (Coercer) <— thats sad, pasting a concord whoring in local, failing to protect the jackdaw. 3 “New Eden Police” warped behind me, an epic fail

GUIDE. forces recently conducted an ineffective patrol of Isanamo.

All miners were urged to stop mining, in accordance with the GUIDE.

Examples were made of those who did not obey the GUIDE.

Everyone agrees that the GUIDE. is required reading.

As GUIDE. agents watched, local gankers enforced the law.

It went on and on…

Most people support the GUIDE. However, there are a few critics.

Dissent was spreading, and only the most faithful continued.

After a Mackinaw was ganked, even GUIDE. agents were demoralized.

Githany Red > hehe i have kill rights on you
Githany Red > a lot of good they wil do me
Githany Red > i’m not ment to talk to you hehe
Aiko Danuja > cuz im an evil witch who will mind control you

Despite abject failure, the GUIDE. lives on.

***

BONUS: The GUIDE. team has produced an awesome antiganking exclusive video, which (like actual antiganking) ends in despair and dismay.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGVF8Hkp1Dk

That’s right. They made a video about their own incompetence.

Europa Aiko

Back in July, someone filed a botting report, and an elite CODE. taskforce was promptly assembled. I probably should have screenshotted the original allegation, but it was just the usual condemnation of minery. Fortunately, I did preserve a damning surveillance photo, submitted as compelling evidence of illicit botting.

 

 

I presume the original Reddit post was deleted, because Redditors are weak. They mean well, but lack courage and faith. The carebear poster was horrified, when he learnt what he wrought. He wrongly believed he was reporting a bot, but (in fact) Li Gazer was human. Nevertheless, bot aspirancy is also a capital offense.

Ernst Steinitz challenged Li to an honorable 1v1 duel, and was surprised when Li employed a questionable mining doctrine. Of course, Ernst is a real sportsman, and made sure to offer a friendly “good fight” in local. Handshake!

The carnage was astounding.

Surprise! Li is an evil warlock, and it was his 65th birthday.

Somehow, Princess Aiko always manages to make herself the center of attention. How does she do it? Well, as James 315 famously explained:

ALWAYS

To be continued…

***

FUTURE GOALS: Some people feel CCP is biased against the mighty CODE. alliance. During a recent ‘livestream’ discussion of upcoming nonse, I certainly felt rather slighted. As soon as I praised James, literally immediately, I was muted! It was almost like they had a bot, scanning for such content. Meanwhile, miners were allowed to repeatedly type “Fuck CCP. CCP fucking hates miners. Another fucking shitty change to Highsec.” They cried over and over, yet CCP saw no reason to mute their foul words. So it appears that CCP doesn’t like us, but maybe they just don’t want miners to know how much they love us, because they sure don’t seem to like carebears either. 

CCP has an upcoming goal, which makes me think they just might adore their little Princess. Indeed, is she not CCP’s Saviourette? 

I’m here to help!

 

 

 

Rudokop Forever, Part 7

Previously, in James315.Space… A procurer was dunked by Kanye North, but (for some reason) the miners blamed their “wise” Princess Aiko. We did a postgank interview with the bot, and had a little chat. Halandar Uitra is not a happy miner. He got into voice comms, and called Princess Aiko a “fat bitch”, outrageous! Halandar wants every Highsec carebear to check out Aiko, she’s evil and delusional (but cool).

 ***

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James315.Space.. . Rudokop Forever tried to trick Adrian Vexier, and his alts reported the loss of a battleship and a logistics cruiser.

Local chat filled with the radioactive tears of a third-rate Soviet gulag, as Rudokop alt Ivan Mihalich SIM wailed in grief.

However, Adrian denied the allegation.

Technically, according to Rudokop, Adrian is a specific form of demon. He is a succubus, a sexual demoness. Once upon a time, Adrian denounced Princess Aiko as “the whore of James”, but karma finally caught up with him.

As Rudokop sought to exorcise Adrian, the ritual drew a crowd of Highsec farmers, who were soon engaged in theological debate.

Adrian suggested that perhaps Rudokop is hysterical, but Rudokop argued that Adrian’s actions constitute proof of demonic possession.

It is perplexing, that Rudokop considered his battleship to be a “defenseless miner”, although this is an accurate description of Ivan‘s combat performance. Regardless, there appeared to be only one way to eject Adrian’s soul from Arraron, and Rudokop thus began casting a counterdemon spell (with some help from his alts).

It did not work, and Rudokop was awestruck. How could such a being exist?

As the days went by, Rudokop grew to accept there was nothing whatsoever he could do, to remove the evil spectre haunting local. He settled for the tiresome toil of the crier, alerting his fellow serfs to the woes and ill tidings of outer space.

Before long, other demons began visiting Arraron, melding with Adrian.

The monsters began to mock Rudokop, their voices echoing across the star system.

Perhaps Adrian is a demonic whore, but what is Rudokop?

To be continued…

 

The Best Revenge, Part 85

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… His grand excellency, aiva naali, aka 140, aka Kingpin, aka the Caravaneer, has been skyrocketing to super stardom. It’s always a total mindtrip, when you officially become leader of the most powerful alliance in the galaxy. I can only imagine how he must feel, to find himself standing astride the shoulders of giants. Indeed, aiva’s name is already engraved in the Hall of Heroes, alongside his esteemed peers: James 315, Leia Jadesol, Zaenis Desef, Kanye North, and the Mittani. Unfortunately, when his laptop suddenly exploded, everything came to a screeching halt.

Fortunately, via his cellphone, Agent Anvil, aka the nullsec nomad, was still able to access the official Goonswarm High Command discord.

Bzz. Bzz. Bzz. Go Goons!

It is the hub of the hive.

Everybody wanted to play EVE, but Wu Flu was spreading dark gloomy news across the galaxy, and Princess Aiko urged quantum to solve reality.

The Gewnfuehrer just needed three years, and some spare parts, to save New York. Governor Cuomo sends his eternal gratitude.

It was a true team effort, and Goonswarm’s leading industrial experts were summoned, to assemble all the required modules.

Princess Aiko urged quantum to do whatever it might take to save the world.

Just then, Tweeps interrupted with an important announcement.

As always, Princess Aiko kept James 315 updated on every nuance.

The new Slack channel was automated, perfect for quarantined leadership.

Although James intended to pass away, he wanted to ensure his ‘lil bullet was always guided with words of wisdom from above.

To ensure that quantum’s biological needs were fully met, James asked Aiko to join Quantum in the quarantine chamber.

Together, they would wait out the pandemic, just the two of them.

Aiva misspelled his own name, presumably to maintain operational security.

To be continued…

Rudokop Forever, Part 6

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, on James315.Space… Rudokop Forever wasn’t salty, but he was sorely vexed by the demonspawn Adrian Vexier.

After a glance at Killboard, Rudokop discerned Adrian’s snuggly side.

What if Rudokop’s alt, SIM Gallent, could bait Adrian into elite PvP?

Rudokop was sure he could taunt Adrian into making a mistake. His alt left a mobile depot sitting in open space, and waited nearby with a battleship.

The plan was working…

Adrian was about to take the bait…

There was just one significant problem.

Adrian likes traps. He’s attracted to them!

When another alt attempted to help SIM, Adrian smiled. 

Rudokop wasn’t upset, but yet another alt was feeling frustrated.

To be continued…

Stark Raving Mad, Part 6

Stark Raving Mad, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… VictorStark Stark and his alt Lilliana Lestrange enjoyed karaoke night, with James 315 and his kickboxing supermodel girlfriend, Aiko Danuja. Victor was impressed to meet the charming head of the mighty CODE. alliance, and was not in the least surprised to learn that Aiko is a real-life princess with an ironclad claim to the Holy Roman Empire. Like any reasonable person, he happily turned over all his isk and assets, even trading skill injectors for skill extractors.

As we saw in Highsec Miner Grab Bag #208, Victor wasn’t an ideal candidate to serve as the successor to James. Nevertheless, James was planning to pass away, and willing to consider trading the alliance to Victor. The interview seemed to go well, and Victor committed himself to the Oath of Poverty. Unfortunately, things took an awkward turn, when Victor failed to show full faith. Elite NOL director Super Perforator encouraged Victor to proceed with his application to CODE. and accept appointment as executor of the alliance, but Victor was focused only on petty pecuniary interests.

Meanwhile, Lilliana was jealous that her main trusted Aiko more than his own alt.

It soon became clear that James might blue pen an alternative candidate.

Victor realized, too late, that Aiko wanted the alliance for herself.

That shameless blue digger cast a spell on James!

Lilliana vented her frustration at everyone in Audaerne.

Anyone might be a Danuja alt…

Fortunately, Lilliana wasn’t salty.

Capsuleers heard a MinerBumping episode was being filmed, and traveled from across the galaxy, with dreams of being cast as an extra.

The conversation encouraged a vibrant discussion of game mechanics.

Eventually, it was a wrap. Everyone got what they wanted, but they naturally hoped Lilliana might return for an encore.

Unfortunately, Lilliana no longer wished to speak with anyone.

She appeared quite mad, cackling hysterically in the middle of nowhere.

Although Aiko was blocked, mysterious strangers let the Princess know that Victor was thinking of her. Might he return for another episode?

To be continued…

 

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #214

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #213

Listening to: Techno House Music Jazz Techno
(featuring Lewak‘s elite parkour)

The Highsec Miner Grab Bag isn’t truly a bag of mail, it’s actually just a folder of screenshots, which sits nicely between two polar opposites: Dracvlad and Guybertini. On the far left is a folder with the final instructions and testament of James 315, and on the far right is a growing case file on notorious criminal Hazen Koraka.

Indeed, my folders are continuously arrayed in this pattern of opposing magnetic forces, with Koraka’s inept random antiganking attempts being perfectly countered by the wise strategic musings of James. Of course, James anticipated the Jamespocalypse, and left me with clear instructions on what to do in the event of his ascension. Someday, when I am an old princess limping around my palatial study, I will publish this final testament. It is truly a treatise worthy of intense study, alongside those written by such legendary gankers as Marcus Aurelius, Musashi, Vegetius, and Sun Tzu.

Each screenshot in the Grab Bag reflects an epic story of heroism, a snapshot of the New Order’s glorious history. For example, stoneface Killervent was sorely dismayed, upon learning he might be expected to pay a penny per day to remain in Highsec. He packed his bags and headed for lowsec, where stoneface Corporation has lost 4.5 billion isk, without accomplishing anything. Despite these losses, they do not dare return to face judgment. They are 100% snuggly ‘pirates’! Perhaps they steal hugs?

At the bottom, I’ll show their one ‘kill’. Can you guess how they did it?

GuiltyDog Denver lost his Venture back in January, and vowed to stop mining forever. He was recently interviewed, and it appears he is not doing well.

We have been learning miner speak. Here is how a crab says “Fuck you, you fucking creatures. Aiko Danuja, suck my cock!” Gross!

Look miners, my boyfriend is God, so you better watch what you say to me. Of course, women are not the only victims of sexual harassment.

I kind of liked the images, but for some reason he stopped sending them.

Hey, it’s not a “High Security” zone because it’s safe to mine. It’s high-security because we enforce the law. Would you start digging at the airport?

EVE University fellow Valiran Teleros has been interning at the prestigious Why Was I Ganked? channel, where he teaches a course on reality.

 

Overall, miners seem pleased with my governance of Highsec. Although they are unhappy about their punishments, they enjoy being civilized.

When you are on the E-team, getting dunked on daily, it’s always nice when the Harlem Globetrotters make time to teach you a couple neat tricks (and some valuable life lessons). Of course, there are always a few bad sports.

Surprisingly, some miners don’t believe I’m a real-life teenage princess.

Princess Aiko Honoured in Amarr

That thread featured an encounter with Arrendis, an incompetent writer (and failed logistician) who is eternally jealous of James 315.

For example, look what grumpy Arrendis had to say about dear James, within my James 315 Day post. It’s just positively shocking. 

Calm down miner.

Regardless, most people instinctively acknowledge my elite noble lineage, and they understand that I’m definitely not roleplaying.

It’s just a real pleasure to spend time with me.

 How about that stoneface Corporation ‘kill’?

When do the days get better?
Tell me, when do the days get better?
When do the days get better?
When do the days get better?
When do the days get better?
Well, the days get better, when you decide.
When you decide.
When do the days get better?
The days get better, when you decide.

 

More Kills of the Week!

Oh boy, it’s Sunday, a day of rest in honor of when James created Highsec. It’s the perfect time to relax and acknowledge that the mighty New Order is dunking carebears into oblivion. It’s what they deserve. It’s what James 315 wants. It’s also what I want, and what any reasonable person wants. Here’s a video!

Gigacus Gank

Highsec miner Gigacus was desperately trying to compete with NPC miners, and  pleased to finally have an audience on his stream. However, the only people who watch Highsec mining streams are elite CODE. scouts (and people who enjoy watching miners face justice). Maybe he would have noticed James, if he was actually looking at his computer monitor. Did you know James is permabanned?

A few friends ate his retriever, and Gigacus tried to use the old “I’m having a real life tornado” excuse. Miner, tornadoes do not justify AFK mining! Gigacus tried to play off the gank like he didn’t care, but I could hear anguish in his voice, “Really, guys?” Oh yes, Gigacus — really! Permits are definitely a thing. I hope Gigacus understands that Princess Aiko does not approve of his inappropriate language.

I particularly enjoyed hearing Gigacus and his miner friend reminiscence about the good ‘ol days, when bumping was a literal thing, and not just a euphemism for taking out the trash. Highsec is different now. Anyways, after he calmed down, Gigacus reinvented himself as another kind of miner. My favourite part occurs here, when he takes his pet Gnosis for a little stroll. The soundtrack is just priceless , and it really gets you into the mind of a miner, and how they approach EVE. Gross!

***

Miners insist the CODE. is dead. Well, here are some bears that got extirpated between August 30 @ 00:00 EVEtime and September 5 @ 23:59 EVEtime.

***

Britannic Lord fancied himself something of an aristocrat, but really he was just a common peasant. Nordwind blew him away. They also killed an Occator, a Loki, an Impel, and another Occator. Looks like a storm is brewing!

***

Zuysheam didn’t realize that Aiko is burning Isanamo. His abyssal Christmas tree was erased, with a little help from Shilliam Watner.

***

Emilia yekaterina just wanted free easy isk, but didn’t even know how to capitalize her own name. She was promptly evicted by Whadda Badasaz, Shadow Redemption, Aimee Tzestu, and Zigam. Hm, James really does have new friends. 

***

McMahon Aivoras had a freighter, and a vision. He wanted to be a speedy express, with Shadow Serpentis Inertial Stabilizers. A special taskforce was dispatched, led by our allies Carmeth Andari, Aedaric, and Tyrek Marlinsano.

***

246624 is a poorly programmed bot, and equipped its Mackinaw with five (5) Harvester drones that now belong to Zopiclone. She did the right thing, and encouraged 246624 to start trading with nullsec nomad Princess Aiko. 

Thanks for the free isk, bro!

***

Bleks Penken was unaware the New Order is rapidly expanding. Volunteers are coming out of the deep, with names like Independence Day, Gallente Citizen I, Xarayac quiffin, First Gallente Citizen, Ivellious Gray, Taylor Corveau, and Momiji Tetsuyo. Hello friends, and welcome back to Highsec.

***

Khartausu let Michi excavate his brain. Ulianov and mat Otsito put him down.

***

Overheard in Teamspeak

“I’m humbled to be in the presence of Princess Aiko.”

“You fucking should be! Princess Aiko is the dark queen, an evil witch. People think she is the devil incarnate. They vow to hunt her down. They want to destroy her. She will destroy them. They say she is a monster. She will kill you and bathe in your skill points. I wanted to strangle and rape her, but she’s actually quite personable. The things she has done, I have read about them, it is brilliant. Those people are fucked. People want to kill Aiko, I wanted to kill Aiko, but I heard her talk and there is nothing in her voice that makes me want to kill her. I like her. She’s a terrorist, but a good woman. I used to hate CODE. Fucking HATE CODE. However, I realize now, they are teaching basic game mechanics to people who will never contribute to the game unless CODE. steps in to teach them a lesson. A harsh lesson, but a lesson they need to learn. It’s a basic service. She should be paid by CCP. I do not understand this whiteknight antiganker community. Astevon? He makes my hairs stand on end. He’s in a real-life cult, in real-life! People go grr goons grr, but why? If you don’t want to get ganked, fuck off and do better. If you are not willing to learn, to observe, then you have no place here. EVE is not a place for you. I hated CODE. so much, they ganked me, but then I realized they are funny. I moved into a wormhole. I close all the exits. I am a PvP God, but I don’t want CODE. to find my hole. Do you know how many bots CODE. uncovers? I hate EVE. I hate it so much. It ruined every other game for me. No other game has this. Aiko plays a triple game in one game. Aiko plays EVE like Magic the Gathering. Aiko is the ultimate thot, she has so many simps. You are talking to the Princess of Highsec? You are in way over your head. Most people think Aiko must be James, they cannot handle the truth. Imagine being trounced by a woman. It is such a blow to a man’s pride. We are all here today because of the spider queen. Her web is strong, very strong. Bow down to her!”