Witchcraft – Page 16 – ‎James 315 Space

Rudokop Forever, Part 10

Previously, in James 315 Space... Rudokop Forever was trapped in Soviet hell, beset by spooky American space devils. They were always there, communicating via hyperspace, and hunting him down. His alts began to die, his drones disappeared, and his Orca was buffeted by things that go bump in the night.

Rudokop knew that human sacrifice would placate the demons…

Adrian Vexier was thus compelled by the power of prayer, leaving Rudokop to mine in peace, with a set of cheap drones. Of course, Adrian’s spaceship had a mind of its own, and began gently bumping into Rudokop’s orca.

Rudokop sensed weakness, and decided to take the offensive.

Restrained by BoB’s love, there was nothing Adrian could do.

Rudokop finally had the upper hand.

The next day, as they were leaving the Bleaklands, James was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his alts heard him say it.

On reaching Jita, James entered the naval yard and began driving out those who were buying and selling. He overturned the tables of the money doublers and those selling doves, and would not allow anyone to haul merchandise through the gates. When evening came, James and his alts went out of the spaceport. In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. Currin remembered and said to James, “Hearken ye forth! The fig tree you cursed has withered!”

Curses are powerful spells, which can reverse the course of history. Rudokop knew the time had come to employ this spiritual nuclear option.

He completed the curse with a quick chant, and Soviet runes.

Yea, and it was verily done.

To be continued…

***

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Europa Aiko, Part 2

Listening to: Sundown

Europe Aiko, Part 1

I feel like the galaxy revolves around me. My mom says I’m just a spoiled brat. The therapist says I’m a narcissistic sociopath, with underlying psychopathies. The grumpy bears claim that I’m a lawful evil space bully, and the police insist that I’m no longer allowed to dollar double at Wal-Mart. However, Li Gazer could tell that I’m a true Princess, a verified Lady of Agil. Li01 Gazer also saw the good in me, and so did Li02 Gazer, Li03 Gazer, Li04 Gazer, Li05 Gazer, Li06 Gazer, Li07 Gazer, Li08 Gazer, Li09 Gazer, Li10, Li10 Gazer, Li11 Gazer, CoverAgent, and MiFreightergirl.

We threw a surprise 65th birthday party for Li, a real-life Wiccan warlock, and leader of the all-star Mining Witches for World Peace. It was a lot of fun.

At first, MiFreightergirl thought we forgot about Li’s birthday.

Consequently, our initial encounter was a little awkward…

… nothing that couldn’t be resolved by a friendly chat.

All the space lawyers agree. This is required, by law.

Mi eventually calmed down.

So we got Li & the Mining Witches into Teamspeak.

At first, Li tried to scam us.

However, we soon developed an understanding.

I’m a nice girl, a Princess actually, in real-life. When I gave him Daddy’s phone number, Li consulted Google, and confirmed that I definitely am heir apparent to Savoia and the entire Hapsburg realm. I already knew this, of course, but Li was pleasantly surprised to meet a real-life Lady. His tone and demeanor immediately changed, after Lisa Tears described all the charity work that I support with my prestigious Oxford Fund. For the first time, Li understood the awesome power of the CODE.

Li was no longer a bitter old man, swearing and cursing. Instead, he was transformed, and felt young again. I naturally sang the Happy Birthday song, and then Li enjoyed some traditional karaoke, gleefully singing Bombs over Baghdad and about fifty-five other songs. I’m pretty sure he was drinking, as he began openly fantasizing about a beautiful woman who plays EVE naked, wearing only a tiara. My goodness! He really seemed to like the idea, almost as much as he liked the idea of multiboxing rorquals.

There was magic in the air, as Li held an official Wiccan séance. He cast a white spell of invulnerability upon me, solemnly summoning the magnets of the north, east, south, and west. Everyone witnessed Aiko become invincible, and thus it was time to transfer everything to James 315, because that’s how these things are done.

James 315 is the most trustworthy man in EVE.

Li was having a great time, headed straight to the Delve. On the way, he needed to make a quick stop at Aiko’s Tranquility Trading Tower, located in beautiful Perimeter. Li was duly impressed, when he saw my private space station.

It took a while, but each and every Li had their moment of glory.

One by one, they enlisted in the mighty Goonswarm Federation.

Even MiFreightergirl agreed to go ‘over there’.

In a game like EVE, friendship is truly overpowered.

As I played my lute, the Libots hopped into a biomass grinder.

On a whim, Li sold his soul, for a new Rorqual main.

I’ll see you in 1DQ, friend.

***

Dumb miner, you better take care
If I find you been creepin round my asteroids
You can see me lyin back in my satin dress
In a room where I do what ya don’t believe

When I get feelin better, when I’m feelin no pain
When I feel like I’m winnin, and I’m winnin again
I’ve been lookin like a queen in a carebear dream
I can picture every move that a man could make
Getting lost in my lovin is your first mistake
And I don’t always say what I really mean

I’m a hard lovin woman, and I’m feelin mean
If I find you been creepin round my asteroids
Sometimes, I think it’s a shame
Sometimes, I think it’s a sin

***

Rudokop Forever, Part 9

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James315.Space… Adrian Vexier upset Soviet goblok Rudokop Forever, who sent an alt to discretely warn Adrian’s alts.

Sim Gallent aspired to bothood.

What happened?

Everyone agreed, this was for the best…

…despite objections from Rudokop.

Alas, the Jamespocalypse fell upon Arraron, and Rudokop feared that ghastly creatures from EVE Online were spreading evil in reality. He finally understood who was bumping his Orca, it was none other than Erotica 1, the Devil himself!

Rudokop may be a Soviet miner, but he is also a pious orthodox Christian.

Or maybe, he is just a salty roleplayer?

Regardless, Adrian wanted him to be a happy miner.

Alas, Rudokop is perpetually upset.

Adrian just can’t stop winning.

Rudokop just can’t stop whining.

He will cry forever.

To be continued…

Rudokop Forever, Part 8

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously in James315.space… Adrian Vexier was seduced by the spider witch of Highsec. Consequently, he forsaked the antiganking community, transmorphing into a Russian hunting demon. Of course, the New Order logs and records absolutely everything (always), and there is naturally a video of the time that Rudokop Forever‘s alt SIM Gallent tried to trick Adrian. As faithful readers know, this didn’t work.

Afterward, Rudokop sulked, humiliated before a coven of demons.

He had faith, vengeance would come in the afterlife.

Local miners attempted to help Rudokop calm down.

However, he was beyond consolation.

Rudokop’s alt urged Adrian’s alt to betray his demonic leader.

Meanwhile, Rudokop cried as evil forces pushed him away from the ice and ore.

Alas, his favourite potato farm was haunted by space ghouls.

This was upsetting for him.

Rudokop’s alt foretold a dire prophecy. The demonic attacks would continue.

Indeed, Rudokop’s other alt was already doomed.

To be continued…

***

BONUS: Miners pretend the CODE. is some kind of Veldspar mafia, imagining James 315 as a mobster and a goon. Now that James is dead as a door nail, it is important that we resist such vile slanders. Blake McAllister‘s artwork portrays James as he really was: a dapper business man, and a respected pillar of the community.

Old James is as dead as a door-nail. Mind! I don’t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the galaxy’s done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that James is as dead as a door-nail.

The Best Revenge, Part 86

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously, in James315.space… the High Lord of the Delve, Avia Naali, aka Aiva Naali, aka Fighterjets Guitarsolo 1000years, aka quantum, aka The Suppercomputer, was whisked away to his secret quarantine command post.

Although Agent Anvil, aka 140, aka the ‘lil bullet was under strict orders to maintain secrecy, he took distinct pleasure in reminding Pandemic Horde of his success, taunting them from Goonswarm’s elite counterintel blog.

Pandemic Horde’s top espionage agents studied his every word.

From time to time, Agent Anvil would send secret messages.

Alas, he misspelled the encryption key, and nobody could decipher his communique.

Fortunately, quantum was willing to summarize with a brief tldr.

It was still partially encrypted.

The Gewnfuehrer inserted a lil speach.

He also adopted a foul mouthed vet type vibe, firing on a hapless Goon ganker.

Avia, aka AstevonWard OverGreer, was not impressed by ganking tactics.

As he concluded his lecture, delineating the now famous mad dog jelly fish tactic, 140 decided to donate some money to Goonswarm’s ecomimy.

To be continued…

Praise the Mighty GUIDE.

Highsec miners struggle to understand how they can safely earn isk, without effort or risk, while watching television. Fortunately, there is one corporation, which is ~~always~~ sometimes eager to save those who refuse to save themselves.

The New Eden Police Force has a lofty goal, to eliminate PvP in low security space. Of course, they aren’t able to survive in lowsec, and so they have been practicing in Highsec. Recently, the NEPF wrote a seminal GUIDE.

Like every antigank attempt, this immediately ended in an embarrassing failure. It appears that not only is the CODE. better at EVE, but we also seem to be better at literally everything else, including website stuff.

Gallente Citizen I > lol I think they might have posted a dead link
Jody Longbuck > url File not found.
Magalaus Shardani > yeah the domain is for sale

GUIDE. forces are undeterred by this permanent setback, and continue to spam the dead link across my galaxy, for reasons which can only be ascribed to a combination of bot aspierancy and an apparent inability to notice.

Meanwhile, mining refugees have been ordered to evacuate Poinen.

GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM > Kill: Illia Caela (Jackdaw)
GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM > Wah Huren > Kill: Ulianov (Coercer) <— thats sad, pasting a concord whoring in local, failing to protect the jackdaw. 3 “New Eden Police” warped behind me, an epic fail

GUIDE. forces recently conducted an ineffective patrol of Isanamo.

All miners were urged to stop mining, in accordance with the GUIDE.

Examples were made of those who did not obey the GUIDE.

Everyone agrees that the GUIDE. is required reading.

As GUIDE. agents watched, local gankers enforced the law.

It went on and on…

Most people support the GUIDE. However, there are a few critics.

Dissent was spreading, and only the most faithful continued.

After a Mackinaw was ganked, even GUIDE. agents were demoralized.

Githany Red > hehe i have kill rights on you
Githany Red > a lot of good they wil do me
Githany Red > i’m not ment to talk to you hehe
Aiko Danuja > cuz im an evil witch who will mind control you

Despite abject failure, the GUIDE. lives on.

***

BONUS: The GUIDE. team has produced an awesome antiganking exclusive video, which (like actual antiganking) ends in despair and dismay.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGVF8Hkp1Dk

That’s right. They made a video about their own incompetence.

Europa Aiko

Back in July, someone filed a botting report, and an elite CODE. taskforce was promptly assembled. I probably should have screenshotted the original allegation, but it was just the usual condemnation of minery. Fortunately, I did preserve a damning surveillance photo, submitted as compelling evidence of illicit botting.

I presume the original Reddit post was deleted, because Redditors are weak. They mean well, but lack courage and faith. The carebear poster was horrified, when he learnt what he wrought. He wrongly believed he was reporting a bot, but (in fact) Li Gazer was human. Nevertheless, bot aspirancy is also a capital offense.

Ernst Steinitz challenged Li to an honorable 1v1 duel, and was surprised when Li employed a questionable mining doctrine. Of course, Ernst is a real sportsman, and made sure to offer a friendly “good fight” in local. Handshake!

The carnage was astounding.

Surprise! Li is an evil warlock, and it was his 65th birthday.

Somehow, Princess Aiko always manages to make herself the center of attention. How does she do it? Well, as James 315 famously explained:

ALWAYS

To be continued…

***

FUTURE GOALS: Some people feel CCP is biased against the mighty CODE. alliance. During a recent ‘livestream’ discussion of upcoming nonse, I certainly felt rather slighted. As soon as I praised James, literally immediately, I was muted! It was almost like they had a bot, scanning for such content. Meanwhile, miners were allowed to repeatedly type “Fuck CCP. CCP fucking hates miners. Another fucking shitty change to Highsec.” They cried over and over, yet CCP saw no reason to mute their foul words. So it appears that CCP doesn’t like us, but maybe they just don’t want miners to know how much they love us, because they sure don’t seem to like carebears either.

CCP has an upcoming goal, which makes me think they just might adore their little Princess. Indeed, is she not CCP’s Saviourette?

I’m here to help!

Rudokop Forever, Part 7

Previously, in James315.Space… A procurer was dunked by Kanye North, but (for some reason) the miners blamed their “wise” Princess Aiko. We did a postgank interview with the bot, and had a little chat. Halandar Uitra is not a happy miner. He got into voice comms, and called Princess Aiko a “fat bitch”, outrageous! Halandar wants every Highsec carebear to check out Aiko, she’s evil and delusional (but cool).

***

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James315.Space.. . Rudokop Forever tried to trick Adrian Vexier, and his alts reported the loss of a battleship and a logistics cruiser.

Local chat filled with the radioactive tears of a third-rate Soviet gulag, as Rudokop alt Ivan Mihalich SIM wailed in grief.

However, Adrian denied the allegation.

Technically, according to Rudokop, Adrian is a specific form of demon. He is a succubus, a sexual demoness. Once upon a time, Adrian denounced Princess Aiko as “the whore of James”, but karma finally caught up with him.

As Rudokop sought to exorcise Adrian, the ritual drew a crowd of Highsec farmers, who were soon engaged in theological debate.

Adrian suggested that perhaps Rudokop is hysterical, but Rudokop argued that Adrian’s actions constitute proof of demonic possession.

It is perplexing, that Rudokop considered his battleship to be a “defenseless miner”, although this is an accurate description of Ivan‘s combat performance. Regardless, there appeared to be only one way to eject Adrian’s soul from Arraron, and Rudokop thus began casting a counterdemon spell (with some help from his alts).

It did not work, and Rudokop was awestruck. How could such a being exist?

As the days went by, Rudokop grew to accept there was nothing whatsoever he could do, to remove the evil spectre haunting local. He settled for the tiresome toil of the crier, alerting his fellow serfs to the woes and ill tidings of outer space.

Before long, other demons began visiting Arraron, melding with Adrian.

The monsters began to mock Rudokop, their voices echoing across the star system.

Perhaps Adrian is a demonic whore, but what is Rudokop?

To be continued…

The Best Revenge, Part 85

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… His grand excellency, aiva naali, aka 140, aka Kingpin, aka the Caravaneer, has been skyrocketing to super stardom. It’s always a total mindtrip, when you officially become leader of the most powerful alliance in the galaxy. I can only imagine how he must feel, to find himself standing astride the shoulders of giants. Indeed, aiva’s name is already engraved in the Hall of Heroes, alongside his esteemed peers: James 315, Leia Jadesol, Zaenis Desef, Kanye North, and the Mittani. Unfortunately, when his laptop suddenly exploded, everything came to a screeching halt.

Fortunately, via his cellphone, Agent Anvil, aka the nullsec nomad, was still able to access the official Goonswarm High Command discord.