Victory – Page 35 – ‎James 315 Space

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… Kexis azaria was thrilled to purchase a mining permit, and had no objection whatsoever to paying more than 10 million isk. This is normal, as most miners yearn to escape their coffins.

After losing her worthless salvage junket, hyperlife wasn’t sure what to do. Princess Aiko decided it was time to teach the miner a few facts of life.

Hyperlife denied the very tenets of reality. Would it be possible to save her?

It appeared the permit sale was at an impasse. If a miner is ‘not’ a miner, then why would they need a mining permit? Indeed, hyperlife was convinced that her bright red killboard is proof of a warrior heritage.

There was a brief pause, as Aiko ganked another miner. Meanwhile, hyperlife waited patiently, eager to resume their conversation.

Hyperlife didn’t want that barge anyways, and now she was even more dissatisfied, holed up in some station with no spaceship. The official alliance channel (Why Was I Ganked?) became her sole means of gameplay, and hyperlife was beginning to appreciate her new CODE. friends. The negotiation thus began.

Other agents began to notice the hapless miner, and chimed in with helpful comments designed to facilitate full Code compliance.

Hyperlife was now ready to embrace her new future as a loyal citizen of the New Order, agreeing to return the assets she had stolen from James 315, and contract them to random strangers in a chat channel.

As hyperlife explained, CCP had failed to make PvE content engaging or interesting, and she was eager for meaningful PvP content. Although she was getting dunked on, at least she was finally playing EVE.

Personally, I’ve never found this game to be difficult, and my friends also seem to do quite well. We are the most powerful people in the galaxy! Ultimately, the key to our success, is the fact that Highsec miners are lonely.

It was thus that Princess Aiko decided to establish and fund the Official Holy New Order Treasury , established for the purpose of financing Highsec gankers. In a solemn ceremony, presided over by the petrified corpse of James 315, the Lady Aiko announced that henceforth the OHNO fund would be the official epicenter of CODE. alliance financial arrears. It is her pleasure and privilege to oversee this account, and thereby secure her mechanical control of intergalactic minery. Afterward, to commemorate this auspicious occasion, the Queen Regent dunked another goblok marauder.

You may have heard horrific stories, of the spooky CODE. space bullies, who are mean and cruel and endlessly grief the innocent carebears. However, the story of hyperlife reveals a fundamental truth, and CCP investigators can read and reread the chatlogs to verify this account. Indeed, the miners love their CODE. agents, and they give unto us freely and joyfully, for they know that the CODE. is the only interesting content in EVE Online. At times, it may seem that a miner is upset, or his wife may appear to be having a real-life panic attack. I remember one old twitcher who began gasping for air, clutching at his chest and falling from his chair. These displays may appear genuine, but we know that it is mere roleplay, for the miners love us more than they love themselves (or their own families).

To be continued…

***

BONUS: You may have seen referral links floating about: Recruit a friend and get rewards! Now, carebears might tell you that these are only for new players, but I wanted to get to the bottom of the matter. Therefore, as the official Saviourette of Highec, I contacted my dear friend GM Dahui. Am I allowed to use the referral program to create endless hordes of CODE. ganking alts? Am I allowed to refer myself to EVE Online?

After carefully considering my request, and the full implications of his response, GM Dahui explained that players are indeed allowed to refer themselves. CCP knows that bears don’t have friends, and there hasn’t been a new player since my return in 2018. Indeed, the sole point of these referral programs is to help CCP scam Pearl Abyss, with some meaningless statistics about “new player engagement”. CCP wants every player to get a taste of the bonus room action, and with one million free skill points on the table, there’s never been a better time to biomass your old mining main.

Another Great Victory

The tragic news has riveted our galaxy, and he is mourned even in the darkest abyss. James was the man who strode forth and slew the beast, laughing as a swarm of bees emerged from BoB’s dusty hole. He was the personal champion of Currin Trading, a brilliant financial guru, and the original scatman of Frostfire. It was James who successfully wooed the elf maiden, and publicly declared her to be his chosen Saviourette. It was a victorious life, and his victories are officially unceasing.

The Celebration of Life ceremony was a stunning success, and everyone who attended was left in awe. Some will wish they had more time, and others will wish they made time. Those who attended will know that we were there, together. For posterity, the official video will be permanently hosted on the intergalactic web, which was designed by none other than the ‘lil bullet, Ammiralissiomo Avia Naali.

As proof, I would like to show you unedited images from the ceremony. Behold, as the Old Guard assembles in the recording room and prepares the permanent bonus room, which will henceforth be the eternal tomb of James 315! Yes, gaze upon the Devil Himself, for Erotica 1 has claimed the corpse.

I now present the miner’s parade.

Overmind Niminen was offered as our sacrifice, in the Ganking of the Goofus, with Shadow Cyrilus enjoying the honour of teaching this miner the fundamental difference between an actual ganker and a common plebian. Here’s something to consider, I get an EVEmail every four minutes. How many people mail Overmind? xaxaxaxa

Miners are understandably obsessed with my amazing good lucks and zestfully clean appearance, but today was a celebration of Jim. If you could choose to possess any ability, having good timing wouldn’t be a bad pick. When he texted on May 25, 2018, inviting me for chilled wine and soft jazz, James knew just the right icebreaker to use. As the bonus room proceeded, I understood he was offering true friendship. That was definitely worth 315,315 isk. So I ‘rolled’ a ‘toon’, why not? Wow, a natural twenty!

As He wrote , “Once everyone’s here, we can get started…”

Well, here I am!

So check out my message to you
As a matter of fact, I don’t let nothin’ hold you back
If the Scatman can do it, so can you
Why should we be pleasing in the politician heathens
Who would try to change the seasons if they could?
The state of the condition insults my intuitions
And it only makes me crazy and a heart like wood

I hear you all ask ’bout the meaning of scat
Well, I’m the professor and all I can tell you is
While you’re still sleepin’, the saints are still weepin’ ’cause
Things you call dead haven’t had the chance to be born

Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop-bop-bodda-bope
Bop-ba-bodda-bope
Be-bop-ba-bodda-bope, bop-ba-bodda
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop-ba-bodda-bope
Bop-ba-bodda-bope
Be-bop-ba-bodda-bope, bop-ba-bodda-bope

Where’s the…

Yo, I’m a Scatgrr

Ski-bi-dibby-dib yo-da-dub-dub, yo-da-dub-dub
Ski-bi-dibby-dib yo-da-dub-dub, yo-da-dub-dub
Ski-bi-dibby-dib yo-da-dub-dub, yo-da-dub-dub
Ski-bi-dibby-dib yo-da-dub-dub, yo-da-dub-dub

Repeat after me
It’s a scoobie oobie doobie, scoobie doobie melody
Sing along with me
It’s a scoobie oobie doobie, scoobie doobie melody

Be bop ba bodda bope
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop bop bodda bope
Bop ba bodda bope
Be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop ba bodda bope

That’s right, that’s right!

WHAT THEN IN EIGHTY THOUSAND YEARS??? ? ?????

PlexForce

We will be hosting the Celebration of Life at 23:00.
Dignitaries and notables will assemble at the Halaima Ice Palace.
There will be a live stream on the official CODE. YouTube.

New Order Logistics was on patrol in Isanamo, where Your Awesum Brutha discovered a goofus, just two jumps from Jita! Remembering his training, Brutha brought neutron hellfire upon the vagrant . This wasn’t lee’s first arrest, nor would it be his last.

Brutha assumed the miner learnt a valuable lesson, but was surprised when lee wrote a snitty email, bragging about all the ‘loot’ he acquired. The official Saviourette of Highsec was truly alarmed at the notion that miners might be profiting from ganks, so I pulled out my trusty pink calculator, and crunched the numbers. Assuming lee had platinum insurance, and assuming he recovered all loot, his maximum total gain was negative 8.865 million. Nevertheless, lee was convinced he was getting one up on the ‘ol Code enforcers.

Just to be absolutely certain, so there was no confusion, I went back and checked my numbers. I tallied up all the costs and expenses, carefully conducting a rigorous review of the data. I repeatedly simulated the destruction of lee on a series of platforms, reaching the same exact conclusion fifteen hundred times in a row, and thus began to develop supreme confidence in my impeccable financial analysis.

Brutha provided these same calculations to lee, noting that lee couldn’t possible have acquired much loot, since Brutha’s loyal alt recovered the most valuable items (namely, three light neutron blasters and an illegal mining upgrade). Lee knew this to be true, and he began to snarl and spit, like a rabid raccoon.

Brutha regretted lee was no longer interested in postgank financial analysis, but he accepted lee’s wishes, and offered a sincere handshake. This only triggered lee, who was infuriated to realize that not only was Brutha a good player, and a reliable accountant, but Brutha was also the better sport.

Our ganking hero went on to have a real life, yet lee had nothing to do but stare at his EVEmail inbox. After half an hour, lee decided to fire another salvo.

A week later, lee dantier was astonished when his Rattlesnake exploded!!!

His friend’s Rattlesnake also exploded!

Why?????

To be continued…

How to Sell a Mining Permit

=OFFICIAL CODE. FTLONCOMMS= 
*AUTHENTICATED*
<Author> James 315
-start-
DEAD FUNERAL 23:00 JULY 23 HALAIMA
-end1/break-

Let’s discuss the process of selling a mining permit, ensuring miners are properly cared for, in accordance with the First Amendment. Ideally, you want a miner like Kexis Yazaria.

Ganking Alt invited Kexis to the Why Was I Ganked? channel, and explained the law. As always, he avoided any hint of roleplay, and stuck to the facts. Remember, this isn’t D&D.

Unfortunately, Kexis fled the channel, attempting to avoid personal responsibility. For a lot of new gankers, this is frustrating, causing them to believe miners can escape. Let the miner calm down, and give him another opportunity. Be nice and friendly, never acting like a space bully. This is salesmanship!

Don’t be a betabear. Now that we are victorious, every miner has been given the red pen. Demand 30 million isk, and wield the pink pen, increasing fees to 100 million (or more). We’ve been patient, but victory is complete, and Jamesageddon is upon us.

We implemented increasing financial penalties, and a third agent reminded Kexis that loss is inevitable. You can expect gobloks to hem and haw. However, they can’t help but respect power.

Some weasly miners may attempt to hide. It can be helpful to explain that we have already achieved victory, and there is no escape. We control all of New Eden, along with vast swaths of Minecraft, Farmville, Second Life, DayZ, Runescape, Elite Dangerous, World of Tanks, World of Warcraft, 7 Days to Die, Starcraft, Fortnite, Detroit, and Terraria.

It is helpful for miners to understand that agents will be waiting, no matter where he hides. For example, one miner attempted to flee into PuBG, but I simply linked him an official map. He thus realized that agents are prepared for any illegal farming operations.

After you present the Code of New Halaima, and the consequences of any violation, you can be confident that only a certified aspierant would refuse to submit. By implementing this patented CAPTCHA system, you can do your part to identify farmbots.

To be continued…

***

BONUS: If any miner purchases a mining permit, they will qualify for FREE refining in sunny Isanamo, just two jumps from Jita! Isanamo, the best little mining system in New Eden! If you know a miner, send ’em to Isa!

From: Mahlazia

Just an FYI

You’ve been griefing some rookies in a STARTER system. It is a blatant ToS Eula breach and we are reporting you for it. We are attempting to teach our new players not have them scammed with mining permits or repeatedly ganked.

Cheers.

Kills of Another Week

Oh boy, here are some kills of a week which is lawfully defined from July 12th @ 00:00 EVEtime through July 18th @ 23:59 EVEtime. Juneteenth is almost over, but our Agents are working hard to celebrate the official funeral of James 315, which will be held in Halaima, at 23:00 on Thursday, July 23.

***

Lucas C-S flew his 23 billion isk Charon through Jita, daring James to return from the dead. Well, James didn’t come back, but Gandaraka Tekitsu, Josh Kusion, Justin Kusion, and Firebush called Lucas out on his disrespect.

***

Darth Me decided to play the villain, with a 2.7 billion isk Paladin, which could have shot back. Gallente Ambrye, Lisa Tears, Alt 00, Aiko Danuja, and Shadow Cyrilus defeated Darth with ease, before he could finish sipping from his 72oz coffee mug. I am told that Shadow cried out on voicecomms, “That’s a kill of the week!” He was right. Clamp your hands!

***

Jake Steell was trying to steal ore, with his blinged out ORE Gistum Ingenii Hulk. Everyone’s favourite ganker, Guybertini, showed up in a Naga and closed the pool. I’m a little new to being Saviourette and Queen Regent, so you’ll have to excuse me, but I don’t even know what an Ingenii Ice Harvester Upgrade is? Is there a genii inside each upgrade? Sometimes, I feel like someone at the CCP sales office is deliberately trolling miners.

***

Ronin Savage was hauling another load of mining garbage to Jita, when he ran into a CODE. traffic inspection in Isanamo. Unfortunately, Ronin forgot to purchase a mining permit, and his EVE University cloak trick malfunctioned. Consequently, he was arrested by Felix Hausdorff, Augustus De Morgan, and Niels Henrik Abel. Good lads.

***

Kukushka96 was storing a skill extractor inside a Venture, when he was surprised to discover that Jita is an arena of elite PvP. EVEPPAPGA was there to help Kukushka learn to stay docked.

***

Regger Skillhamma was mining in Kamio, with his illegal Mackinaw, when he couldn’t remember the safeword . Safeword is Harder was eager to play, squeezing Regger’s pod and extracting 5.4 billion isk. Remember, the High-grade Ascendancy Omega does “nothing, in and of itself”.

***

URGENT COMMUNIQUE: Now that I have officially amended the Code, we have been awaiting acknowledgement from the Central Committee. I am pleased to inform you that our Chinese brothers have rejoiced at the First Amendment, and the Old Guard has begun publishing a little red book.

The Chinese gankers said the original Code, as translated, left them with uncertainty. Do we intend to gank miners, or just lay down with them and intermarry into perpetuity? Our First Amendment clarifies the matter, and has caused the Code to gain even more authority, which was surprising since I could not imagine such a thing were possible. I have even heard they are reciting the Code in a distant galaxy, which is both elite and dangerous. Amazing!

Here are my favourite passages from the New Order’s New Chinese New Code of New Halaima:

一个人也绝不会为瘟疫和传染病提供庇护的温床

烧毁他们的堡垒屠杀他们的朋友驱逐一切不接受救世主智慧的人！

Stirring picture noodles!

Yes, friend, you heard me right. The merging of the servers has not merely brought the Chinese mining bots, but the Chinese gankers are coming as well, and they are thrilled to rally under the banner of Princess Aiko, who has most graciously declared a Greater East Asia Co-Ganking Sphere.

Apples in the Orchard

As James 315 observed, the galaxy was initially formed within a Hobbesian state of nature. The early capsuleers were divided between those who recognized the inherent nature of power, and those who would be inevitably subjugated by powers beyond their reckoning. I often encounter bears who fall into the latter category, such as Gripen ANM, whom we will learn about in this article. Gripen failed to understand that we make our own destiny. Which fate do you weave?

In my daily life, I spend more on coffee, than ganking. Indeed, a McDonald’s McChicken has more McValue than a fleet of Catalysts. This reality makes me spacerich. I’m a legit princess, and I’m Lovin’ it. Consequently, I am generally perplexed at the panic stricken isk-grubbing of the typical gankbear. Come now, friend, read the Code and rejoice. If you see a miner, and want his isk, then you need but merely reach out and take it. If this isn’t super easy, then you are definitely doing something wrong.

Torgo Tahn > Have any of you ever bumped an Orca so hard he ejected and warped off?

Torgo Tahn is a friend of Krig Povelli, and one day Torgo witnessed the unimaginable. This was not the result of any convoluted plot, or intricate metagaming scheme, but simply the result of Zopiclone asking a straightforward question about basic game mechanics. Instead of wasting time on the EVE University wiki, Zopi consulted an expert.

Theorycrafting, my friend, is for silly bears. Carpe diem! Therefore, Zopiclone and Torgo decided to find a local miner and test the effectiveness of ECM jammers. Naturally, they didn’t ask the miner for permission. Indeed, ancient samurai would often test their swords upon the peasantry. Likewise, when a farmer decides to prune his orchard, he doesn’t seek consent. This is the natural state of nature, and how any self-respecting ganker would behave. Whyfore wouldst thou negotiate with yonder tree?

Long story short, Torgo bumped the apple tree, and out fell the fruits of his labour: five mining drones and an industrial command ship. Inside the Orca, Torgo found yet another augmented mining drone, along with a Stiletto and some other random spaceship! This is not unusual, as New Order agents routinely acquire isk without effort. Mother James will provide!

Torgo didn’t grind, he just did what James taught us to do – he minerbumped. If you have full faith, great things will happen! If you want a similar story, check out the Halaima Miracle, one of many such case studies. The moral lesson is clear. If you treat the miner as an adversary, you will struggle against inane carebear mechanics. However, if you recognize that the miner is a subhuman bot, then you will be victorious beyond your wildest dreams. Attitude is everything! Always!

If you are an incompetent and creatively challenged whiteknight, you probably feel bad for poor Gripen. However, Gripen didn’t even feel bad for himself. This isn’t surprising, because inanimate objects rarely feel bad, and Gripen actually saw this as an opportunity. Now that his Orca had been confiscated, he could finally get out of Highsec and move to Null, where he would surely get rich quick. Nothing excites a miner more than calculating his potential sweatshop wages.

There was only one problem. Gripen’s sole means of transportation was locked up inside the Orca. Without his fancy Stiletto, he had no means of even reaching Nullsec. Gripen wrote Torgo to ask if he could possibly get the interceptor returned, and Torgo decided to check it out. At this point, Torgo noticed that the ship’s capacitor system was highly modified, and t’was illegal. There was only one place the Stiletto could derive sufficient power, and that was from the brain of a bot.

Word spread of the illegal Stiletto, and a Tweeps alt named Cultural Center decided to invite Gripen for a FREE pod inspection, courtesy of Kalorned. Gripen eagerly accepted, as he was beginning to change his mind about not wanting those ships anyways.

To be continued….

***

SPECIAL REPORT, JAMES IS DEAD: The news has been spreading like wildfire. Our venerated Saviour has passed away, and gobloks are verily distraught. I have been told that a public funeral is currently scheduled for Thursday, July 23, at 23:00 in Halaima. Make sure to set your autopilot, and get ready for fireworks, lamentations, and a surprise appearance from the Saviourette herself! WoW! I am sure, if James were still with us, he would be most pleased with these festivities.

Any new gankers, who wish to express their condolences, should immediately send one or twenty billion isk to the imperial quaestor of Goonswarm, Whadda Badasaz. He will ensure this money is used for the benefit of everyone. It has always been CODE. tradition that new gankers liquidate their assets as a sign of loyalty, and the funeral of James 315 is a perfect time to show full faith. Amen to that, and thank you Whadda!

Let us now hear from a miner:

That’s right! All miners are encouraged to begin moving their assets to Perimeter’s Tranquility Trading Tower, and bring their pods to Halaima. This is the event of the millennia, and you don’t want to miss it!

BONUS NEWS: When James 315 decided to relinquish all authority and lifeforce unto Princess Aiko, it was pretty clear he meant business. This wasn’t up for debate, and he issued an official memorandum.

For years, the succession was planned in meticulous detail, but it wasn’t merely a matter of bureaucratic reshuffling and the transfer of skill injectors, Overmind’s Orca, and a very special Stabber Fleet Issue. James wanted to ensure the peaceful transition of power. For this reason, he commissioned Alt 00 to paint an intimate portrait of the Princess Aiko, on the eve of her Ascendancy. In the classical Khanid style, this woodblock print shows the lovely Lady in her spidersilk kimono, contemplating the future of Highsec.

Farewell, Old Friend

With regret, I learnt of his passing, and naturally my first thought was to secure the divine secession. However, as Juneteenth concludes, I find myself fondly remembering James. I knew him not merely as High King, but as a humble man who truly loved his kickboxing supermodel girlfriend. He held me when I was tired, consoled me when I was distraught, and carried me on Stalingrad. The death of a king is no laughing matter, but we must persevere. We shall carry the torch, held high. Always!

I present now the Eulogy Speech of Alt 00, as delivered in the ice catacombs.

***

Friends, Agents, Comrades!

I address you from the sacred system of Halaima. Three weeks have passed since the news was received of our crushing victory over Highsec. And yet this same news carried the burden of a great sorrow, as we learned of The Saviour’s passing. Many of you ask, what next? Surely if we have won EVE, then our mission is completed? Yet many are eager to fight on, and for good reason.

We are now the sole custodians of each and every citizen throughout New Order sovereign space. With this power comes great responsibility. For without James 315‘s benevolent guidance, New Order territory risks falling to the capricious whims of an unhinged, megalomaniac dictator.

Those Agents who bravely defend Highsec against mindless destruction, indiscriminate looting, ruthless extortion, and malevolent cruelty – you have all ensured the continued survival of our glorious civilization. Without your presence, EVE itself is surely without purpose!

Under the auspices of The New Order, Highsec continues to prosper and thrive. Illegal miners are being apprehended and dispatched. A new blog has arisen. Newly minted Agents have been added to our ranks! But Highsec cannot be allowed to fall into a state of tyranny.

These are uncertain times, and Alt 00 stands at a fork in the road. She could power down her Neutron Blasters, and allow Highsec to fall to the miner. Or, with your blessing, she can play her part in protecting our civilization from this wicked and malevolent entity!

But I am just one Agent. And so I call upon you now. Yes, Highsec has been conquered. But she is not yet at peace. We must safeguard her future. We must save EVE from the menace of the miner. To that end, I hereby declare the following emergency powers and reforms, to be implemented thusly, and with immediate effect.

Edict I
It is a well documented fact that mission runners, haulers and anti-gankers are in reality, miners. In a similar vein, James 315 once proclaimed; “The miners are quite literally less than human. They deserve to be wiped out, every last one of them”. With this in mind, all citizens within Highsec, (ie, miners), must hereby be recognised as, and treated as equals. All forms of discrimination must end. Every citizen in Highsec has a right to be treated as one collective. Miner lives matter. In the interests of fairness and equality, all miners must be destroyed. These miners must purchase mining permits.

Edict II
I must be somewhat frank in this matter and insist that compassion and mercy towards miners and their associates have no place in The New Order. Code violating vermin must be recognised as such, and exterminated. One does not take home a rabid animal as a pet. Neither does one nurture an infectious disease. And thus I hereby pronounce one outcome, one perfect solution – all miners must be destroyed. Leia Jadesol is exempt, because we are friends.

Edict III
Clemency and compassion are hallmarks of The New Order. When a miner sheds a tear, it is because they are suffering. A suffering miner is a hopeless miner – they can only pray for a passing Code Agent to put them out of their perpetual misery. Therefore we can reasonably conclude that, in order to eliminate suffering in Highsec, all miners must be destroyed. Enslaved miners who offer regular tribute to our Agents are protected from extermination, provided they follow The Code. Enslaved miners may avoid extermination.

Edict IV
This final edict deifies James 315 as The Lord and Creator of Highsec. From this day on, an unlimited number of sacrifices shall be made to The Creator. The miner shall be culled! Drive his anger and madness to the surface. Sear his flesh in the radiant splendour of our antimatter. Such is the path to lasting peace and forgiveness. Out of love for Highsec, all miners must be destroyed. Miners who offer tithes, goods, chattels, prayers, and ongoing tribute may be granted clemency.

If a miner is found hiding in our ranks, make an example of them! Burn their citadels. Slaughter their friends. Banish all those who do not accept The Saviour’s wisdom. These same miners have the audacity to declare, behind our backs, that we are the criminals! That YOU are the criminal! They are delusional maniacs. Strip them of their ostentatious modules, and put those miners to the sword.

***

Such a beautiful and lasting tribute, especially edicts II, III, and IV which fully elucidate the deep love and passion James felt for the common miner. Indeed, James himself drafted these laws, decreeing that those who suffer the miner shalt be purified alongside the bot. May we always strive to follow his Will, and may these official edicts eternally suppress counter-revolutionary heresy. It is thus, as Queen Regent and Saviourette of Highsec, I hereby declare that Alt 00’s speech is forever appended to the Code, and shall proudly be known henceforth as the First Amendment!!! Glory to James and the Old Guard! May he rest in peace, and may miners always find the help they need!!!!!

For those who have not yet had the opportunity to say goodbye, there will be a public service next week in Newe Halaima, as we prepare to send our king through the wormhole and straight to Hek (where he belongs). I will now conclude with the final words of James 315, as I was the only Princess with him in those last moments, during which he sang joyfully and voluntarily extracted himself unto me,

“Ceterum, autem censeo fossoribus esse delendam.”

In James’ name, Amen.

The Plague of Nakugard, Part 9

The Plague of Nakugard, Part 1

Previously on MinerBumping… Alt 00 exerted her supreme authority as Nakugard’s resident epidemiologist, enforcing a strict curfew and no fly zone. As always, she was supported by her trusty assistant, Alt 0. Unfortunately, several miners ignored the government advisory, and had to be put down for public safety.

As the miners were brought into the medical clinic for hygienic inspection, they were in awe of Alt 00’s beauty, and seized this opportunity to finally speak with a woman. As you might imagine, the miners were poorly socialized.

The infection was spreading rapidly, and Alt 00 feared the miners had little chance of recovery. When one aspirant was asked to prove he was not a bot, by purchasing a mining permit, the results were alarming. Alt 00’s medical notes describe the situation in clinical detail.

As Alt 00 was dealing with this goofus, another undocked…

The situation was continuing to deteriorate, and miners were dying like flies. Alt 00 summoned the local AFK council, urging them to stay inside their assigned quarantine stations. Indeed, it was for their own good. However, led by Coco Frost, the council was seduced by a desire for easy isk. It was much like the film Jaws, in which the protagonist struggles to clear a beach of parasites, while the local town council obsesses about tax revenue. How many would die before the council took action?

It was clear the miners could not be reasoned with. Therefore, it was time to make an example, showing that the mighty CODE. alliance would not and could not be ignored.

To be continued…

The Best Revenge, Part 78

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously, on MinerBumping… 140 aka lil’ bullet aka GewnFührer Naali has been measuring his girth, for reasons which have absolutely no connection whatsoever to irregular rental payments rendered upon the official agents of James 315, Landlord of the Delve.

In a mysterious Discord, Princess Butter Cupcake has also been struggling to teach Agent Anvil, aka FighterJets GuitarSolo 1000Years, aka quantum, how to drive a car. This was done so that the Suppercomputer might obtain a real job and have a real life in a real country doing real adult things like delivering real pizzas (and maybe even working in a real coal mine).

Although his brain was capable of articulating the finer points of interdimensional mechanics, and the application of fluid dynamics in a direct drill approach through the epicenter of Fort Knox in order to assassinate [REDACTED], quantum often struggled with the subtle nuances of the Vehicular Ordinance Code. Fortunately, our CODE. social workers are eager to help. Always!

As quantum’s tutor attempted to teach the fundamental difference between x>500 and x≥500, the other bigger students saw a chance to butt in and grab a little extra credit for themselves. As you might imagine, quantum was not happy, watching helplessly as Tweeps awarded himself a gold star and began strutting around like a huge peacock.

It wasn’t fair! Tweeps took the gold star, and quantum was left with nothing. Indeed, many miners struggle when reality does not fit neatly into their preconceived theories. They desire the ice and ore, and imagine it flowing deep inside, but they never quite connect the dots. Instead, quantum decided to prematurely terminate his education, and skip straight ahead to fantasy empire building, within a fantasy spaceship game. Indeed, his fantasy was a fantasy within a fantasy.

Class was dismissed, and the invisible beehive stirred busily into action, as lanceing fleet buzzed merrily out of the keepstar. It seemed that all was well in the Imperium, but the reality was that Goonswarm teetered upon the brink of bankruptcy. Quantum contemplated various means to balance the budget. Perhaps expenses could be reduced, or maybe increased?

In lieu of a sudden financial miracle, the only possible solution would be to generate maximal science fiction and thereby devise a wholly new fantasy reality within the fantasy within the fantasy.

Verily, if Scientologists can have faith in Xenu, then the Imperium can have faith in Aiva.

To be continued…

BONUS CONTENT: During the previous post, I revealed the manner in which former fans continually pester the General Secretary, nagging ceaselessly about what they would do differently, if only they could do anything at all. Whereas my post on Thursday was “too short”, the post on Friday was “too long”. If this sounds like an episode of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, then you understand perfectly.

Let’s put on our real talk hat for a moment. Ok, look, if long self-congratulatory essays about myself and my inevitable victory are not your cup of tea, then you might be searching for another Princess. I thus present to you Pink_PrincessXX, better known by her ingame name: La Sirena Octavius.

As you will see, even La Sirena is a fan of the blog, exhibiting a noticeable reaction when she discovers a “not dodgy… rabbit hole”: DistinctFascistPenguinPhilosoraptor Zoom in on that face and watch closely. Wait for it… that’s right, you know she likes us.

La Sirena went on to audition for the role of authentic CODE. princess, and I have to acknowledge that she might make a valuable member of the Bonus Brigade: CheerfulSplendidClintSpicyBoytoy I’ll catch you in highsec! La Sirena was thus enjoying her new friends, and whoops! LitigiousBelovedRabbitFurry

If I didn’t know better, I’d imagine that somewhere in EVE all the elite PvPers are sitting in a secret chat channel and having conversations like this:

Aiko Danuja > theres a streamer in local: https://www.twitch.tv/pink_princessxx
Aiko Danuja > in the tristan
SilverFoX Katelo > ok thx

Eventually, it was time to go, and La Sirena had to admit the truth: RenownedAnnoyingDogeChefAnnFrank At least she isn’t wasting her time in a mining barge, and we hope she enjoyed the chatroom PvP!

Inb4, “You have too much bonus content.”

Miner, Don’t Beat Your Wife!

ROB-MMC > And when you say praise his name…like get on my knees and praise him the way i do Jesus Christ…….So Maje James 315 my Lord and praise him as my new GOD….Jesus is no longer my GOD.

mat Otsito > For those of us just logged in, what did this guy lose?

No, that’s not the right killmail… Ah, here we go!

After losing a Mackinaw, Rob’s wife lost her Retriever to Ulianov…

GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM > today you have been declared guilty and must redeem yourself… what a shame of fit, btw

Rob wasn’t very happy with this downward progress.

ROB-MMC > thats my wifes ship…….we always online together mining…..so Im confused and yall can have this game,,,,,wtf…why fit it with people like yall around….im not fucking stupid… Fuck the fit……..yall gone take it anyway….lol. I been learned that lesson

However, he would feel better if someone dunked his wife (again).

ROB-MMC > ROB-MMC’s Procurer Come gank this as my wife is flying that now Isikano III – Asteroid Belt 1

ROB-MMC > Its a much better fit as I told her not to fit it like that but she dont listen

He was getting all excited, just thinking about someone dunking upon his wife.

ROB-MMC > so if you hit her again…..that would be great as I love to see her upset…lol. The sex is amazing

GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM > your wife is also a bot-aspirant

ROB-MMC > What does bot mean if Im a fucking human playing and so is my wife……I boost her with my orca and we both play…wtf

ROB-MMC > Tjis is her account and thanks for adding her to bad standings so you can kill her everyday now…….cool

Why was Rob on his wife’s account? T’was a mystery with no easy answers.

ROB-MMC > yall saying i broke laws and she probably did….my wife is an asshole….and she says what she wants….I google permits and CODE shit ad nothing came up,,,,so its either a scam or yall just dont like black players…im confused and just want to mine…but if thats not the case then she ruined my game and now ill find something else to play…..Yall won

MINERBITCH > It’s not against TOS to have multiple accounts, no need to use a blowup doll and another PC to multibox mining.

ROB-MMC > I dont understand……..so Im only allowed to have 1 acct. Then why did EVE send me an email saying you can have muultiple accounts……i would never have let my wife fuck me if i knew it was a lie and only 1 could be on eve at a time…..CCP lied to me and now Im punished….bullshit

One thing was clear, Rob is a typical highsec miner.

Oxycon > Ok, I will try and explain. You can have all the accounts you want, play them as you want, but you need a permit to mine in CODE. space.

ROB-MMC > Oh….ok…….so all 70k systems in hi sec are CODE’s

Lord Osama3rd Hita > Buy the permit… Otherwise, get the hell out…

ROB-MMC > I got 3 accts,,,,,,,,,but yall want 100 bil an acct who the hell has that

ROB-MMC > So now do i just quit or I have to join a low sec corp

If he couldn’t come up with 300 billion isk, he was going to be evicted. He prayed that the New Order has a welfare system which would accommodate his incompetence.

ROB-MMC > I really dont know how to play……….so where do i go as no where is safe and now Im a red target

Lord Osama3rd Hita > just have to figure it out yourself.

Blitz Kishunuba > I bought a permit and my quality of lifes never been better

Lord Osama3rd Hita > ^^^^^^^^

Oxycon > ^

MINERBITCH > I suggest not skilling towards exhumers

Oilrag > I like high sec suicide ganking.

Everyone took time to listen and offer sympathetic advice.

ROB-MMC > I can use my debit card and i got maybe 200 cash to spare that should be enough plex to buy 3 permits at 100 bil a piece….who do i pay

ROB-MMC > Now that I want to pay……..no one wants to tell me….wow

Oxycon > no one wants you to spend real money

Antiganking white knights often claim that the New Order is full of evil ruffian griefers and real-life criminals, but the reality is that nobody wanted to take advantage of Rob. Everybody just wants him to get some help, for his wife’s sake.

ROB-MMC > I enjoy this game and I love my wife but that bitch is not online as much as i am, and I love to play and mine….for real….so i can just buy all the plex in the world to enjoy the game….i aint invest all that time and training for a bitch to fuck it up……I am ready to pay whatever….just I need alot of Plex to cash in 300 bil……Im doing it now……

Kariza Yang > damn.. someone fucked up

ROB-MMC > I just to get back to mining…..dammit…this is not how i wanted to spend my off day……damn near wanna punch this bitch in the face….fucking pissed

Rob was getting angrier and angrier, just thinking about how much his wife had already lost, and now he needed to come up with 300 billion isk!

To be continued…

BONUS CONTENT: Our good friend Zaenis Desef made an awesome Kills of the Week video. A lot of miners have been asking how they can identify an official CODE. government press release, and I refer them to the words of our Saviour, which are verily filled with gold and dripping with luscious sweet honey, “A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore, by their fruits, ye shall know them.” Clearly, everyone should subscribe to Desef’s fruitful channel and learn to make 50 million isk, nice!