Category: Tears

Rudokop Forever, Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… He was a Highsec miner by day, but at night he became Rudokop, the Soviet demonhunter.

When Adrian Vexier confiscated Rudokop’s mining drones, the Russian bear was determined to send Adrian into an eternal gulag.

Adrian offered a second opinion, suggesting that perhaps Rudokop’s highsec mining fetish was symptomatic of a deeper underlying cognitive deficiency. However, Rudokop doubled down upon threats of eternal damnation.

Rudokop was smiling in game, but in real life he wasn’t so thrilled.

On the unpaved streets of Krasnotankymagnetgrad, Rudokop’s real life main endured endless misery, watching as his native community was torn by strife. Last week, a motorist was torn asunder by an angry mob of unemployed miners, desperate to drink a litre of warm motor oil. In such a world, Rudokop’s solace was EVE Online, a relaxing universe where he could share the means of production with his alts and peacefully mine in solidarity. At least, until a demonic force was drawn to his mining drones.

Rudokop knew he could not defeat the demon through PvP, so he hoped to negotiate a victory, offering to pay 50 million isk for Adrian to die in real-life.

When Adrian refused to take the bait, declining the offer of free isk, Rudokop was forced to implement a tough love psyops campaign of hate mail.

To be continued…

***

PRINCESS THOUGHTS: I’m the Saviourette, not merely of Highsec, but of the New Order itself. A couple people questioned this, and one of them is no longer with us, but everyone else agrees that I am the future. It’s simple, just look at how antigankers feel about me, and do the math. You are either closer to me, or them.


John E Normus was in comms last night, and the man is a true champion, who once flew with legends of yore. Before the mighty CODE. alliance even existed, your forefathers set forth in the footsteps of the Sheikh, guided only by their timeless lust for a Khanid princess. Yea, and Helicity did declare that Jihadswarm was the way, and the VCBees led them out of darkness and unto the light of Orcageddon. Many hulks thus died in vain, and yet we continue, thanks to the heroic effort of the pioneers.

John E Normus drops by from time to time, just to say hi, letting everyone know that he isn’t quite dead. Tweeps is always desperate in these moments, like an eager puppy greeting his master, but John stepped right past him and looked directly at me, “Princess Aiko, it’s good to see you.” The tone in his voice said it all, John knows exactly what I’m up to. He then declared unto the assembly, “Aiko is doing good work. Two months ago, this alliance was dead in the water. She has saved the CODE. She has saved you from yourself.” I guess that’s why they call me the Saviourette, right? That’s right. 

When 315 begged me to return, I tried to explain that I couldn’t remember my old account login, and the Imperial Guards are content to slumber into oblivion. Was it truly necessary for me to come back and seize control of his newfangled upstart space regime? I had my own doubts, but agreed to give it a try, as miners provide precious content. I can’t say for sure whether I will save the alliance tomorrow, but I can say that I saved it yesterday, and I saved it today, and I’ll probably do it again.

Of course, I wouldn’t truly be the Saviourette of Highsec, if people weren’t painting artwork to celebrate my glorious reign. However, they are, and that’s just a fact. Check out this nice piece by Minerbitch. Lookin hot! The bears better pray James 315 isn’t dead, because otherwise they are stuck with me, and I’m not as messianic.

NOW HEAR THIS

Rudokop Forever

In the award-winning film Robocop, the antagonist is a bot aspirant employed by Omni Mining Corporation. This same character exists in EVE Online, where he is known as Rudokop. In both cases, the character is a shameful golem, which serves the interest of a nefarious high security conglomerate. One day, Rudokop was stealing ore, when Adrian Vexier confiscated his illegal mining drones.

This is war, this is not peace.
Dark slime fills the aether.
Dead children don’t touch the heart.
Black mark for all gentiles!

Rudokop’s PvP alt is Ivan Mihalich SIM, who roleplays as someone salty.  

Adrian is not very good at taking screenshots, but does that make him a demon?

Ironically, according to CCP, Adrian is a saint! Whereas Rudokop’s security standing is 0.7, Adrian’s is fully 4.3 points higher! Is it possible that those who embrace the Code are better at carebearing than the carebears themselves?

Rudokop was clearly jealous!

When Rudokop tried to exorcise the demon, he was dismayed to see yet another demon appear in local, and they began to discuss him with clinical disdain.

Life is hard for Soviet bears…

Perhaps Rudokop could find a way to win, in the afterlife…

To be continued…

 

Kage Rage, Part 7

Kage Rage, Part 1

Previously on James 315.Space… Space bully kage1982 was griefing Ernst Steinitz, who was sorely triggered and saltily cancelled kage’s docking and tethering rights at Isanamo’s popular Home for Young Miners.

Despite the termination of his YMCA membership, kage continued to orbit the station, guzzling an endless flood of ganker tears.

As kage orbited the YMCA, he was distracted by a personal invitation from the lovely Princess Aiko. Apparently, he was living rent free in her head.

Ever since he was first ganked back in 2008, kage has dedicated his life to extracting salt from gankers, by allowing them to gank him again and again. One of kage’s favourite rhetorical tricks is to roleplay as someone who isn’t upset.


It was quite the magic trick. An entire Garmur vanished, along with kage’s pod!

This is what kage planned all along, giving him the perfect opportunity to extract more salt. Haha, the stupid gankers fell for it again!

To be continued…

I Actually Do Run Jita (fyi)

Hello, friends! As you know, I’m currently listening to soft jazz, whilst dunking freighters and orcas in Uedama. In the background, I can hear a miner happily singing the Code as he transfers all his assets to me, and I’m also taking a minute to write in my famous blog. Yes, that’s right, it’s just another typical evening for those who have the good sense to support our mighty New Order. Praise us!

There’s been a lot of talk lately, and I have to agree with what people are saying. Sometimes you meet someone within CODE. and they don’t get it. They aren’t truly one of us. Meanwhile, you’ll meet someone outside the alliance, and they won’t even have a permit! Somehow, that person is still a member of our team? Cargo Bandit is one such gal. A friendly lady, brave enough to get into voice comms, and smart enough to not give me all her stuff. Although Academy of the Unseen Arts has historically been carebear potato garbage, Cargo Bandit managed to start a ganking special interest group, turning retrievers and procurers into thrashers and tornadoes. Not bad!

A fledgling ganker recently contacted me with some alarm, upset about the fact that I authorized unrestricted ganking warfare in Jita. Now that James is dead, there is a lot of confusion about what it means to support the New Order. Did James ever approve of the tornado? What about the thrasher? Aren’t we all supposed to be in catalysts, and only in catalysts? Oh my, who is even responsible for training the new gankbros? I guess this task falls upon me, as Saviourette of the New Order, to remind everyone that James was always a big believer in dunking the miners. Always! Cargo Bandit may not have a mining permit, but she definitely has a CODE. certified ganking permit.

Hayden Faiel tried to smuggle a blueprint out of the Jita Naval Yard, and fortunately Cargo Bandit’s friend Orin Uldarin was on duty. Hayden was thus saved the embarrassment of getting caught in Uedama with a freighter full of oracles, and was grateful for the opportunity to purchase his permit. What a lucky fellow!


Hayden was so delighted by Orin’s dutiful enforcement of the high security zone, that he voluntarily donated a billion isk!

Unfortunately, Hayden was a little confused about who runs Jita.

When he asked to speak with a supervisor, Hayden was shocked to discover women were in charge. For some reason, he just didn’t like them.

Like many miners, Hayden was a griefer space bully.

After glancing at our killboard, Hayden realized that scorpions and leshaks aren’t an effective deterrent to the New Order. Instead, he demanded a do-over. Perhaps his corvette would have been victorious in Nullsec?

Needless to say, his threats weren’t credible.

It was just another day in Highsec…

 

 

 

Code Ready Always

PRINCESS THOUGHTS: The end of Juneteenth coincides with Wardfest, and you know what that means: derecho season! Uf, no me gusta! High command is aware “the weather” is of concern to middle management, and we are doing everything we can to improve the climate. I seem to remember a simpler time, when we had another word for señor Derecho. El tindersturm??? Tundrastrom? Tengostrumpet????? I don’t recall, but I’m glad that James315.Space is a safe place without arbitrary nonse.

***

Previously on Minerbumping… Our late Saviour penned a seminal historiographic narrative, depicting the awesome saga of New Order agents in battle against intergalactic minery. Kalorned and TheInternet TweepsOnline TheInternet have long been controversial, striking fear into even the toughest jellybear. Fortunately, as part of the New Order Amnesty Accords, Princess Aiko has seen fit to bring these bad boys back into the fold. They have thus bent the knee, accepting her almighty reign.

You may recall that Energy Minx and Greypses Foryuu appeared from nowhere. Subsequently, after destroying The Trade Syndecate, these mysterious heroes returned whence they came. The fate of the Syndecate is known, but questions linger about the lost year, between the conclusion of Code Ready Gelhan and the The Elonaya Conspiracy. What happened to Mission Ready Mining? Are they ok?

As James 315 noted, “Something terrible had happened to that organization, and it went inactive.” But what exactly was that terrible thing? This, dear reader, is an intriguing question. Now that Kalorned and Tweeps have been firmly brought to heel, the truth can finally be revealed here, as James 315 would have wanted.

Fresh from the New Order Vaults, I am thus pleased to announce Code Ready 2: Kalorned’s Revenge. This epic non-fiction docudrama will bring to light the incredible details of Mission Ready Mining’s stunning defeat, at the hands of Assistance Group (which contains some of the New Order’s most seductive Aiko alts). Finally, we will have official answers. It’s like Christmas, so please enjoy this special audio trailer:

Sex. Violence. Ganking. Bumping. Spying. Evictions. Sex. Betrayals. More evictions. More spying. Real-life threats. More Sex. Buckle up, friendo, the boys are back and this time they have a Princess. Are you CODE. ready?

To be continued…

False Valour, Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… Vasalinda Fingerback was unable to tell the truth, and she was also unable to survive Highsec. An elite team of CODE. social workers sought to help Vasalinda come to terms with her indecent lifestyle.

Alas, Vasalinda needed help accepting help.

It’s hard to imagine a race more disgusting than the Highsec miner.

Vasalinda dropped a bombshell on the Why Was I Ganked? channel. Not only was she a badass miner, classy lady, and internet tough guy – but she was also an elite amphibious assault specialist. Normally, when someone tells me that they have served in the Armed Forces, I tend to believe them. However, I was struggling to accept this miner’s story, and doubted that Marines are common plebs.

It always pains me to accuse someone of false valour, because it’s possible that an absolute moron somehow slipped through the intensive recruitment process. However, Highsec miners are notoriously dishonest. We’ve seen our fair share of miners who dropped deep behind Soviet lines, ganking Albanian tanks with their trusty M47 Dragon ATGM, but we’ve also seen a few miners who exaggerated a little bit.

I’ve never met a U.S. Marine who felt bullied by space cartoons.

This was Vasalinda’s chance to shame ME. She might have called my bluff, describing her heroic defense of Hue, or her brilliant maneuver at Chosin. She could have described the bloody perimeter at Henderson field, or her courageous action at Fallujah. However, those battles paled in comparison to Vasalinda’s concern: the mining permit.

The truth often reveals itself.

Fortunately, Vasalinda was having fun and wasn’t upset or bothered.

It is often difficult to feel any pity or sympathy for the hapless miners.

 

 

 

 

False Valour

In this era of Jamespocalypse, everyone is flocking to the official Why Was I Ganked? channel, where the best content is reserved for premium shareholders.

As the mighty CODE. alliance continues to grow in strength, miners struggle to even find a means of attacking our invincible legacy. 

Vasalinda hoped to exploit the death of James. Was the CODE. alliance growing soft and weak, ruined by incompetent middle management?

Meanwhile, she was delighted to be the center of attention.

As word spread of Vasalinda’s appearance in the docket, everyone wanted to meet her.

Unfortunately, she was unwilling to pay her own defense attorney.

She was also a terrible liar.


Please don’t “ask James”. Just let the dead rest in peace.

Professor Lawton’s alt understood the miner’s problem…

To be continued…

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #213

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #212

Last night was great, as all the boys were logged into Teamspeak, and a lot of important words were uttered at my coronation party. Amidst the clink of silver and crystal, I sang I’m a Barbie Girl and Bombs over Baghdad. Life in plastic, it’s fantastic. Don’t pull the thang out, unless you plan to bang. I also recited the life story of Princess Olga, and easily won Bonus round after Bonus round. CODE. celebrations are the best. Always!

James always said that he could keep MinerBumping going indefinitely with all the unpublished material, and some spicy stuff remains archived. The galaxy awaits the story of Kelroth, will it ever be told? What of the mining witches of Estwyck, or the Prince of Abu Dhabi? These stories are not tall tales, but absolutely fascinating case studies in the depravity of the common Highsec miner. The mantle is now mine, and the burden is also mine, as each night I find myself wondering whether this blog will last even one more day… thus far, each and every morning, my answer is emphatically yes.

Today, I’d like to do something special. I have decided to reach into the bag, pulling out bits and pieces. It’s possible that some items were already published on MinerBumping, and perhaps I will duplicate a bit. If so, that’s just confirmation of our great content. Folders and folders of screenshots, days and days of audio, endless videos and eternal logs of each and every channel from the deepest Delve to the Cobalt Edge. Some have stated that Miner Grab Bag was their favourite. Indeed, it was my favourite, and this seems like the right time. Let’s just open up that bag, and see what we find.

The miners always seem to know exactly what to say, even when they get it backwards. There would be no point logging in, except that the miners have such strong feelings for us, and it is only polite to try and provide them with additional content. Meanwhile, there are other miners who just seem to need a little bump.

I’ve always had a special effect on the miners. As the official Saviourette of Highsec, I know exactly what they need.

Some gobloks want ‘proof’ of my special status in the New Order, but let’s be real. Miners love me, in a way they never could experience James.

Consequently, they recognize me as Supreme Protectress, yours and theirs.


It doesn’t actually matter what the miner’s background is, whether they be Catholic or whether they share the One True Faith, inshallah, every miner knows that the Jamespocalypse means a glorious Age of Aiko is upon them.

As we move forward, the faithful will recognize that James315.Space is home, and I am merely your humble servant. As the General Secretary of the Bumper’s Union, it is my sworn duty to help in your brave fight against the mining peril.

Sometimes, it seems that the miners only want to hurl insults and explore my pretty mouth, but we can hold our heads high, and know that they are super lonely. Just look at Overmind Niminen! The miners desperately need us!

I know for certain that dear James published this next screenshot, but there’s no harm in repeating it. Sometimes, the truth is worth a second look.


You can’t stop a train
Who want some? Don’t come un-pre-pared
But this’ll be the year that we won’t forget
Uno, dos, tres, it’s on
Did you ever think a pimp rock a microphone?
Should have held back, but you throwed the punch
Don’t even bang unless you plan to hit something
Before you read up, get a laptop
Make a business for yourself, boy, set some goals
Make a fair diamond out of dusty coals
Record number four, but we on a roll
Movin like Floyd comin’ straight to Florida
Lock all your windows then block the corridors
Pullin off a belt ’cause a whipping’s in order
Po-wer music, electric revival!
Po-wer music, electric revival!
Po-wer music, electric revival!
Po-wer music, electric revival!
Po-wer music, electric revival!

Pew Pew, Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… Alpha female Zopiclone was cruisin through the galaxy, encountering sad pathetic miners. Vasalinda Fingerbang wasn’t as cool, and gave out some seriously mixed messages. I don’t need to tell you who has the better character portrait. Gankers do it better, always!

Vasalinda Fingerbang > Im not goint to talk to you guys anymore… gank away … just stop
Vasalinda Fingerbang > I read the terms.
Fate and Destiny > Im trying to run a business here and you are trying to Space Lawyer me?

Zopiclone just wanted to conduct space business, but you know what they say about miners. They aren’t very good at anything.

Gualu Echerie > some fat schoolguys are playing eve and gank miner, so they have at least one success that day… stealing a loly from a baby is more dangerous, the mom could punsh them….
Vasalinda Fingerbang > i have to report them every time htye hit me.. this is three times in a week.
Vasalinda Fingerbang > They will eventually lose their accounts
Renee en Welle > No, they won’t.
Fate and Destiny > and believe me Ive won against all Space lawyers
Vasalinda Fingerbang > im sot a space lawyer. Stop fucking with me
Renee en Welle > Wow… You’re giving them all the salt they want and more.

Vasalinda Fingerbang didn’t understand why gankers were so interested in her, and she was beginning to feel a little flustered.

Fate and Destiny > You need to buy a Mining Permit for 10 Million ISK and Ill add you to my blue list. Thanks for showing up
Fate and Destiny > But for you the fee went up to 30 million because you are trying to strong arm me with your space lawyer tall tales

Naughty miners shouldn’t expect us to waive their fees and penalties.

Renee en Welle > At the end of the day it’s a game, what these guys do provides as much content as anything else. Frankly their playstyle shouldn’t be annoying or surprising 🙂
Max Hoxen > you losers gankers are wankers
Max Hoxen > you can atttack only miners 😀
Vasalinda Fingerbang > you know it .
Vasalinda Fingerbang > I know leave me alone
Vasalinda Fingerbang > i was not away from keyboard
Gualu Echerie > yeah, they gank because they want easy kills… too afraid to go into lowsec….

The gobloks insisted that Zopiclone would have more difficulty in a region where her ship didn’t automatically explode after a few seconds.

Zopiclone > you need to calm down and buy a Mining Permit. Its the law
Vasalinda Fingerbang > fuck you
Vasalinda Fingerbang > is that clear enough for you?
Max Hoxen > no permits in ihigh sec … come out of your station 😀
Gualu Echerie > you have no mining permits to sell….
Gualu Echerie > check market and contracts, there are no miningpermits in game… 🙂
Vasalinda Fingerbang > it’s a bullshit extortion scam they are trying to run on newbies

The miners were increasingly agitated, squawking and ruffling their feathers.

Max Hoxen > HEY LOCALS, im gathering the fleet to make the life of these suckers misearable … please DM 😀

Zopiclone was a titan unto the miners, bringing each to judgment.


From: CONCORD
Sent: 2020.07.14 20:41

The kill right K Moros has on you has been made available to E.A.G.L.E.S. for 0 ISK.

Never Gonna SeeGrandKids > OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***

UPDATE: Following yesterday’s post, the mighty moderators of the CODE. alliance have hastily issued an official decree, in honour of Ward Meltdown Week. I am proud to inform you that it is once again decided, now and forever, that “Respecting James 315 is not optional!” Huzzah! I only wish he could hear the Good News. 

With Ward Week upon us, it has been one full year since I seized mechanical control of the CODE. alliance. I will therefore spend this evening celebrating in Perimeter, singing a little karaoke with the Bonus Boys. I will also be reciting the humble tale of Princess Olga, and her crushing defeat of the nasty Drevlians. Hopefully, they will soon give me my ganking titan, and I will finally take my seat on the Imperial War Council.


Pew Pew

EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Raneilles
Flies Undone > ganker alert
Zopiclone > blah blah blah

Some people think that being an elite CODE. ganker is all excitement and adventure, like being a supercool intergalactic agent. Those people are right.

Zopiclone Kill: Ken Ozura (Hecate) pew pew
Zopiclone Kill: Ken Ozura (Capsule) gf AFK miner

EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Vay
EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Scheenins
Gualu Echerie > you need a shower… a cloak can’t really hide you when you smell like a 10 day dead fish with a touch of cat pee…
Harald Uanid > the smel is so horibal thet even the FEMA needs to take actions …
Learza Thiesant > wow you kids need new more hateful hobbies 😀 QQ
Zopiclone > Pretty salty about some Drones blown up?
Zopiclone > bye

Agent Zopiclone was always one of James 315‘s favourite agents, and even though our High King is at rest, Zopiclone continues to spread the Good Word and let miners know they have been blessed by the Saviourette’s officious grace.


EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Amygnon
Fate and Destiny > Bored of mining?
Zopiclone > gf Fingerbang Kill: Vasalinda Fingerbang (Retriever)
Fate and Destiny > That’s a special special miner

Unfortunately, the passing of James 315 created a power vacuum, and a number of false prophets and tinpot wannabe leaders have attempted to carve out a vanity niche for themselves. Vasalinda Fingerbang has thus established herself as an unofficial foreman of the so-called Verge Mining Consortium.

Vasalinda Fingerbang > you guys realize that harrassment is agains the term of service. You guys making it a point to gank me everytime you see me is gonna eventually get you in trouble. Obviously, I’m not skillful enough to stop you.. .. trying to extort me for isk is within the perview of the game.. but it’s just some made up scam you guys are playing around with… pleas eleave me alone
Fate and Destiny > Negative. You are just another miner
Vasalinda Fingerbang > im trying the best I can to lear how to play this game… I actually paid to be here.. so would you do me a personal favor .. and stop harrassing me.
Fate and Destiny > Pay your 30 Million ISK for the mining Permit
Vasalinda Fingerbang > that’s not going to happen
Fate and Destiny > Or keep dying…

Zopiclone’s loyal sidekick, Fate and Destiny, recognized that it is time to stop beating about the bush and get down to business.

Vasalinda Fingerbang > I have asked yopu politely to stop harrassing me. stop destroying all my6 ships.
Vasalinda Fingerbang > I’m not going to pay any fees to you.
Gualu Echerie > lol… that miningpermit again… you say all they have to buy one, and when one want to buy one, you are not willing to trade it at npy station or make a contract over it….
Fate and Destiny > You are playing EVE. Your ships will blow up
Vasalinda Fingerbang > I am not in a low sec area.
Fate and Destiny > Go to Arraron and let trigs kill you on gate k?
Vasalinda Fingerbang > just stop
Fate and Destiny > Make sure you fit your best possible ship

With the death of James, carebears assert that mining permits are not mandatory, or even real! These heretics insist that respect for James 315 and the Code is officially not not optional. Indeed, Sun Tzu observed that the most dangerous moment for an army is at the very moment of victory, as cheerful celebrations disintegrate into woeful anguish. When line members heap praise upon dead heroes, they fail to maintain vigilance, and effusive worship turns into grotesque mockery. Lazy gobloks will thus embrace the sweet toxin of eternal victory, but the gallant faithful will remain on duty, always!

Vasalinda Fingerbang > it is against to terms of service to specifically harrass a player.. unless you declair war.

Is the once victorious CODE. alliance on the brink of war?

To be continued…

BONUS: I have been rummaging through filing cabinets and that rickety desk. I jiggled a locked drawer and was surprised to discover a stash of personal keepsakes. An expired Ice Mountain ski pass, faded photographs of James and John at the Dolphinarium, a dried up red pen, and a beautiful gold pendant. Oh James, I miss you so much.