Tears – Page 48 – ‎James 315 Space

Stark Raving Mad, Part 6

Previously on James315.Space… VictorStark Stark and his alt Lilliana Lestrange enjoyed karaoke night, with James 315 and his kickboxing supermodel girlfriend, Aiko Danuja. Victor was impressed to meet the charming head of the mighty CODE. alliance, and was not in the least surprised to learn that Aiko is a real-life princess with an ironclad claim to the Holy Roman Empire. Like any reasonable person, he happily turned over all his isk and assets, even trading skill injectors for skill extractors.

As we saw in Highsec Miner Grab Bag #208, Victor wasn’t an ideal candidate to serve as the successor to James. Nevertheless, James was planning to pass away, and willing to consider trading the alliance to Victor. The interview seemed to go well, and Victor committed himself to the Oath of Poverty. Unfortunately, things took an awkward turn, when Victor failed to show full faith. Elite NOL director Super Perforator encouraged Victor to proceed with his application to CODE. and accept appointment as executor of the alliance, but Victor was focused only on petty pecuniary interests.

Meanwhile, Lilliana was jealous that her main trusted Aiko more than his own alt.

It soon became clear that James might blue pen an alternative candidate.

Victor realized, too late, that Aiko wanted the alliance for herself.

That shameless blue digger cast a spell on James!

Lilliana vented her frustration at everyone in Audaerne.

Anyone might be a Danuja alt…

Fortunately, Lilliana wasn’t salty.

Capsuleers heard a MinerBumping episode was being filmed, and traveled from across the galaxy, with dreams of being cast as an extra.

The conversation encouraged a vibrant discussion of game mechanics.

Eventually, it was a wrap. Everyone got what they wanted, but they naturally hoped Lilliana might return for an encore.

Unfortunately, Lilliana no longer wished to speak with anyone.

She appeared quite mad, cackling hysterically in the middle of nowhere.

Although Aiko was blocked, mysterious strangers let the Princess know that Victor was thinking of her. Might he return for another episode?

To be continued…

Taking out the Trash

Listening to: Tripping with the Ducktators

When an attractive girl is popular with boys, it’s not uncommon for jealous rivals and incel betas to scrawl scandalous things about her, on the powder room wall. Recently, I was in the armory polishing an especially large gun, when I noticed something similar written on the bulkhead. Directly under a sign that said, “WARNING: ACTIVE NEUTRON FIELD!” someone wrote a most shocking claim, “NOL IS TRASH!”

I fondly remember the ten days I spent in New Order Logistics, during which I enjoyed hanging out with Currin Trading in a ritzy Perimeter saloon. He spent a lot of time teaching me all about market hedge funds, and generously invested in my lucrative Ponzi scheme. So how could someone think that a fine corporation, led by such an upstanding businessman, is nothing more than ‘trash’? Either they are jealous, or perhaps they have New Order Logistics confused with New Order Logistic?

***

This is trash.

***

This is taking out the trash.

***

When people think of New Order Logistics, they perhaps most often remember John E Normus. Indeed, he was a great quarterback for the team, but I’ve personally been quite impressed by someone called Guybertini. He often works deep behind enemy lines, operating far from the overflowing depots of Isanamo and Uedama. When he drops another Naga upon some sleepy miner, I gasp every single time.

Frankly, I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m a fan.

I want to be cool, like that Guy.

He has dunked more than 7500 miners.

Guybertini ejects them straight out of the game.

The aspierants truly appreciate his content.

He’s even got a sense of humor.

This alliance needs alpha males like Guybertini.

Recently, he encountered a Covetor pilot who wasn’t AFK.

Or so the miner claimed…

The bot was studying for a degree in returning space law.

However, instead, it should just study Guybertini.

For some reason, this really upset the goblok.

Maybe, someday, miners won’t be incompetent poors.

Regardless, we will extirpate them all.

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #214

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #213

Listening to: Techno House Music Jazz Techno
(featuring Lewak‘s elite parkour)

The Highsec Miner Grab Bag isn’t truly a bag of mail, it’s actually just a folder of screenshots, which sits nicely between two polar opposites: Dracvlad and Guybertini. On the far left is a folder with the final instructions and testament of James 315, and on the far right is a growing case file on notorious criminal Hazen Koraka.

Indeed, my folders are continuously arrayed in this pattern of opposing magnetic forces, with Koraka’s inept random antiganking attempts being perfectly countered by the wise strategic musings of James. Of course, James anticipated the Jamespocalypse, and left me with clear instructions on what to do in the event of his ascension. Someday, when I am an old princess limping around my palatial study, I will publish this final testament. It is truly a treatise worthy of intense study, alongside those written by such legendary gankers as Marcus Aurelius, Musashi, Vegetius, and Sun Tzu.

Each screenshot in the Grab Bag reflects an epic story of heroism, a snapshot of the New Order’s glorious history. For example, stoneface Killervent was sorely dismayed, upon learning he might be expected to pay a penny per day to remain in Highsec. He packed his bags and headed for lowsec, where stoneface Corporation has lost 4.5 billion isk, without accomplishing anything. Despite these losses, they do not dare return to face judgment. They are 100% snuggly ‘pirates’! Perhaps they steal hugs?

At the bottom, I’ll show their one ‘kill’. Can you guess how they did it?

GuiltyDog Denver lost his Venture back in January, and vowed to stop mining forever. He was recently interviewed, and it appears he is not doing well.

We have been learning miner speak. Here is how a crab says “Fuck you, you fucking creatures. Aiko Danuja, suck my cock!” Gross!

Look miners, my boyfriend is God, so you better watch what you say to me. Of course, women are not the only victims of sexual harassment.

I kind of liked the images, but for some reason he stopped sending them.

Hey, it’s not a “High Security” zone because it’s safe to mine. It’s high-security because we enforce the law. Would you start digging at the airport?

EVE University fellow Valiran Teleros has been interning at the prestigious Why Was I Ganked? channel, where he teaches a course on reality.

Overall, miners seem pleased with my governance of Highsec. Although they are unhappy about their punishments, they enjoy being civilized.

When you are on the E-team, getting dunked on daily, it’s always nice when the Harlem Globetrotters make time to teach you a couple neat tricks (and some valuable life lessons). Of course, there are always a few bad sports.

Surprisingly, some miners don’t believe I’m a real-life teenage princess.

Princess Aiko Honoured in Amarr

That thread featured an encounter with Arrendis, an incompetent writer (and failed logistician) who is eternally jealous of James 315.

For example, look what grumpy Arrendis had to say about dear James, within my James 315 Day post. It’s just positively shocking.

Calm down miner.

Regardless, most people instinctively acknowledge my elite noble lineage, and they understand that I’m definitely not roleplaying.

It’s just a real pleasure to spend time with me.

How about that stoneface Corporation ‘kill’?

When do the days get better?
Tell me, when do the days get better?
When do the days get better?
When do the days get better?
When do the days get better?
Well, the days get better, when you decide.
When you decide.
When do the days get better?
The days get better, when you decide.

Kage Rage, Part 8

Kage Rage, Part 1

Listening to: Tech House Mix

My dear sister and esteemed colleague Alt00 painted another beautiful portrait, inspiring me to continue migrating the MinerBumping artwork. If it’s been awhile since you checked out our elite CODE. Art, come check out the gallery!

Previously on James315.Space… kage1982 was not at all salty as he counted to 100 over and over, but he was clearly ‘griefing’ the CODE. agents of Isanamo, who winced as they were forced to repeatedly clean up kage’s debris.

kage1982 > do you know how to stop crying?#i bet when code players go to bed they check under it for kage before they sleep he he

Woosh!

My big Your Awesum Brutha has an interesting theory. What if kage actually is upset about all those ships he lost. Is kage too stupid to know his own mind?

Our agents pride themselves on being open-minded, reflecting carefully upon their own moral shortcomings. My Your Awesume Brutha was tormented by the accusation that he might be a real-life pedophile. He thought for a long time, searching deep inside himself for the remote possibility that kage might actually be right. Ultimately, after a thorough psychoanalysis, he concluded that it just isn’t feasible.

When kage contacted his local police department, they confirmed that the CODE. only bumps miners (that’s spelled with an E).

Perhaps kage was transposing his own flaws unto my Brutha?

kage1982 > her ass is the size of frieghter no doubt
Whadda Badasaz > You know Aiko is a 14 year old child in real life, right?
Aiko Danuja > he isn’t salty though
kage1982 > Aiko Danuja like the inside of your mouth for ten dollars

kage1982 > Aiko Danuja hey dont talk with your mouth full that guys paying them 10 bucks cheeky maire
Aiko Danuja > What do you mean, my mouth isn’t full ??
kage1982 > awww kid , does daddy call it something else 🙂

kage twisted the facts and reflected everything back on my Brutha.

He became obsessed with both Ernst Steinitz and especially my Brutha. kage can’t stop their ganks, but he really likes to watch.

YIKES

kage is jealous of their relationship. He can tell, from her grace and charm, that Aiko is a real-life teenage princess — but he doubts Ernst.

Inevitably, the other miners became tired of kage’s prattle.

kage enjoys attempting to follow CODE. fleets, often warping to the wrong belt, and the miners have concluded he must be an incompetent CODE. scout. Sometimes he arrives long after the gank is over. Why is he even there? Perhaps he is an elite CODE. supervisor, verifying another successful gank?

They began to dock up whenever they saw kage.

My Brutha sought to reassure the confused miners.

Ernst was worried about kage’s mental state, urging him to stop failing daily.

However, kage still isn’t upset.

When my Brutha’s hot Austrian girlfriend came over to watch Netflix and chill, his character stayed logged in. kage sat outside feeling lonely.

A few days later, Ernst and my Brutha discussed the situation.

One thing is clear, the CODE. has truly affected the culture of EVE, as miners know and understand that ‘miner’ is an insult. Indeed, mission accomplished.

kage eventually had a big announcement. He is a professional CODE. hunter.

He even led a three man taskforce to take down Ernst.

Quint is a highroller with a couple dollars in his pocket, and a desperately autistic desire to have someone notice him. Initially, he wanted to fund ‘bounties’ against some random corporation that dunked his mining ship.

However, Quint soon realized who the real celebrities are.

So Quint picked a more exciting obsession.

It was an exciting opportunity for kage.

To be continued…

Keep on rising
Keep on rising
Keep on rising
Yep yep yep
Keep on rising
Keep on rising
Keep on rising
I’m winning
Yep yep yep
I knew from the start
That I had to come back again
Purple dots, flashing lights
I know I can count on you
I want to see you tear it up
No matter where you are
Here I am once again
I feel like I am trying
So make your move
Step across the line
Keep the frequency
Keep it coming
Keep control
Bring it back
Panic
Panic
Panic
Just don’t stop
I wanna take you on
I feel so freaky good
The galaxy is mine
Panic panic
Panic panic
Panic panic
My house
I can say
I can say
I can say
Put it all on the tab
The galaxy is mine
Here I go

Rudokop Forever, Part 5

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Listening to: Trippy Minimal Beats

Previously on James315.Space…Adrian Vexier was turned on by the Whore of James, rededicating his immortal soul to helping bot aspirant miners. He stopped antiganking and became a New Order social worker. Meanwhile, Rudokop Forever was in a Soviet gulag, and concluded that Adrian is a “damn demon”.

Losing his mining drones posed a serious existential crisis for the Highsec miner. If Adrian possessed the magical ability to make drones disappear, what other dark powers lurked in the creepy expanse? Rudokop felt that spooky space people were watching him, following him, haunting him. Rudokop was starting to realize.

THEY WERE HUNTING HIM

Adrian tried to help Rudokop calm down. Was it working?

When Rudokop began speaking in demonic tongues, he knew Adrian Vexier was to blame for his financial terrors. How could he get easy AFK isk, when evil monsters were lurking in local? Rudokop concluded that the best solution was to lock his nemesis inside one of those Saw movies. What if Adrian had to quickly steal 150 augmented drones, before his face dissolved in a vat of acid? The clock was ticking, and Rudokop simply needed to figure out a way to make this dream a reality.

The diplomatic negotiations were at an impasse.

Rudokop decided it was time to up the ante.

Eureka! Rudokop suddenly thought of a cunning plan…

To be continued…

Aw no, he’s better than good
I got a story to tell
The boy’s got a rare ability
He’s a damn thief
Can’t ignore him
He’s a liability
Freestyling, let’s do it
Once again with the ill behavior
The stars are falling
Miners are such easy prey
ROT ROT ROT
ROT IN HELL
Bwahahahaha
Danger danger
You’re in danger
Picture danger
Danger squared
Danger
Danger
Danger
Danger
Danger
The future is your time
We wait
Every day
Every night
Twenty Four Seven
Three One Five

BONUS: Some goofus bears claim that we are here to grief new players and extort them into hating EVE and never logging in again. Actually, we just want them to stop mining. Mad Hatter Wins got wrecked in Isanamo, but that didn’t stop him from enjoying EVE. In fact, it only made him want to join the winning team.

The Best Revenge, Part 83

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Listening to (while dunking Ventures): Spartaque

Previously on James315.Space… The new Goonswarm emperor in training is quantum, aka Aiva Naali, aka 140, aka Fighter Jets GuitarSolo, aka anaCheeya ANARKY, who decided one day to demand a situation report from Fleet Command.

Fortunately, his martial instincts enable him to grasp the situation before his Lieutenants can even respond. Our Goonfuehrer grasps the galactic battlefield with what the Emperor Napoleon described as the ‘coup d’oeil’ or ‘stroke of the eye’. With a mere glance into space, he can readily surmise the optimal strategy.

James was always a simple man, and he often railed against the so-called N+1 problem. However, Agent Anvil understands that you can always +1 to infinity, which means that an n+! approach will inevitably one-up your opponent. It is a doctrine of sheer brilliance, and sometimes brute force is what we need. He also issued a spur of the moment doctrine update, with an inspiring speech. Sun Tzu couldn’t have said it better.

Unfortunately, the High Command struggled to keep up with this voluminous content, and let me tell you from experience — running a galactic space empire is a lot of work! When 315 aka Tweeps aka Loyalanon aka Kalloornded aka Globby aka Chribba came into Teamspeak and offered to sell me the mighty CODE. alliance, provided I agree to write the blog and promptly transfer the $23,500 I got from Kelroth, I thought it sounded great. Like all that good karma was finally catching up to me.

However, sometimes I wish I bought more space shoes.

Quantum was no mere puppet, and he casually let the Goon Navy know his supper weapons were built with hidden mechanics. If they were ever misapplied or turned against the ‘lil bullet, hellfire would rain down upon Fortress Delve.

Hours turned into days, as Princess Aiko composed the final draft.

Good news! The elite strikeforce Wolf Squadron was still able to muster nearly 96 combat ready vessels, penetrating deep behind enemy lines in heroic suicide attacks. Meanwhile, only a quarter of the fleet had been lost to theft, defection, and outright incompetence. It was, as they say, “within parameters”. There was only one concern, the Wolves wanted to swap out their cloaks and upgrade to maximum fighting fits. With an imperious tone, the Kingpin waved his hand and unleashed the Wolves!

Quantum still needed reports from Lanceing Team, Main Fleet, and the Venerated Old Guard League of Spooky Cap Hunters.

To be continued…

Do Your Own Thing

On Your Own Terms

Follow Your Curiosity

Get What You Came For

There Are No Constraints

Jump

Kill

Welcome to EVE!

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 7

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 3

Listening to: I Love Me

Previously on James315.Space… James always knew that Princess Aiko was modest, impeccable, rich, and inconceivably lucky. In the future, New Order historians from the Lawton School will undoubtedly cite this as proof of her lineage as a true lady of Agil. It is known. James had faith that once she got a taste of his content, she would stick around. He also thought she was pretty tempting. He said that she never need feel guilty. The truth is self-evident. He described her as the Grover Cleveland of the New Order. Yup. He loves his classy gankstress. Always! Facts are powerful things, because they define reality, the difference between right and wrong.

I control truth, and I rule the galaxy.

Cleveland was Prime Minister of an ancient Terran empire, the Union of States. He was also an advocate of the great naval strategist Alfred Thayer Mahan, a ganker who understood the value of a large fleet, bolstered by aggressive torpedo boats and kamikaze destroyers. His policies served to double the size of the imperial navy, which allowed the empire to conquer the world. Unfortunately, the Union was eventually shattered by an apocalyptic succession war, during the Third Century crisis.

The lesson is clear. Nations live and die by their ability to muster an army and a fleet. Thanks to our alliance with Khanid, we have plenty of mechanized infantry and airborne flametroopers. However, our navy suffers, continually under attack by CONCORD pirates. We must expand. We must grow. We must double our ability to project force. We can, and we will, liberate Tama from the low miners.

Ah, but I digress. The people want to know, and they deserve the truth. I have to ask, is it fair and just and ethical to dunk the Mongolian mining fleet, over and over? Is it reasonable that we should summon them unto the High Court of Halaima and seize their assets, until they have nothing left but a disconcerting feeling that they might have made a mistake? What went wrong? I ask you this, will you give your asteroid to the invader??? Will you surrender your ice to the bayar? Will you praise Odbayar?????

If we don’t act, then Pandemic Horde will. TEST will. Fraternity will. Chupacabra will. The Autists will not hesitate to pull the trigger, so why should we? I remember when ganking in Niarja was a war crime, but now it is sanctioned as elite PvP? It is our duty, as the leaders of the galaxy, to take a firm stand and show the way. We must stop the Mongols before they spread into the deepest reaches of some gloomy C7, and figure out how to summon a Clade. This is my will, and my will is divine judgment.

Odbayar was having a rough time in EVE, but don’t think for a moment that he isn’t a bloodthirsty little space monster. This blue masked devil wants nothing more than to dig enough ore to build a blingy supertitan.

We tried. I swear upon the crypt of a thousand James corpses, that we did everything we could to turn Odbayar from the filthy path of the bubble blob.

There was one little problem…

Odbayar just wanted free stuff. As my tributary, he has no right to go where he pleases, no right to engage in industrial activity, and certainly no right to collect taxes. He is a farmer, pure and simple, he is there to be farmed. If he wishes to be a knight of the Order, he must fully embrace the sacred Oath of Poverty.

He didn’t even ask nicely.

We embraced him, in the galaxy’s best content funnel: Why Was I Ganked?

Alas, it appears potty mouth Odbayar has run away, enduring a horrific series of deaths in the Niarja wasteland. Even then, when I heard his plaintive mewling, I wanted to help. I reached out, patiently urging him to come home.

What can I do? CCP scams miners, promising a theme park adventure in which they all become kings and queens. The reality is they need to bend the knee, fall in line, and pay taxes. Otherwise, they face a fate worse than death. Eternal limbo, with no escape, in and out of constellations which never make sense.

I begged Odbayar to return, but he wouldn’t listen.

If you see Odbayar out there, tell him to come home to Princess Aiko. Where I live, isk just falls from the sky, and we CONCORD ships full of PLEX. The best thing for newbros is to come into my Crystal Palace, form an orderly queue, and wait patiently for an agent to process their citizenship application. It might take a while, and there may be unexpected administrative fees, but it’s better than EVE University.

I’ll update the Treasury when I get around to playing Spreadsheets in Space.

To be continued…

Way too good at camouflage
Can’t see what I am, is a felony
Voices in my head make up my entourage
‘Cause I’m a black belt
I’m an expert at giving love to somebody else
I, me, myself
Me, myself and I
Haters that live on the internet
Live in my space, should be paying rent
I’m way too good at listening
And I always got my finger on your self-destruct
I’m a 10 out of 10, even when you forget!
I’m a 10 out of 10, don’t you ever forget!
I wonder when I love me is enough (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
I wonder when I love me is enough (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why am I always looking to gank and die?
I wonder when I love me is enough, mmm (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 6

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 4

Listening to: Tomi Lohren

Previously on James315.Space… I would scream, throwing dishes and stomping my feet. James 315 was like a granite rock, deflecting every emotion.

Of course, I was right, like always… and yet he was too stubborn to admit it. Victory. Peace. Ugh! James really loved those miners. He was merciful unto the end. Verily, he wanted to join hands and ascend with the VCBees. Unfortunately, the miners are gross, they won’t wash their hands, and I don’t even like them. They must be extirpated. Kill ’em all, and let James sort them out. Where we are going, we won’t need minerals!

I don’t know how James was poisoned by our enemies, but intergalactic minery was behind this dastardly plot. Upon his death bed, James proclaimed a feverish victory, but I know better. Uedamagrad continues, as Shadow Force pushes from Sosh to Olo. The mining Marauders are flaming coffins, tin cans which should never have been approved by the naval yard. They just keep coming, like an endless deluge of trash. Our FCs need rest and relaxation, but the Grand Admiraless is relentless. Visits to the front are followed by tedious meetings, conference calls, and endless bureaucratic shuffling. I have not slept.

This is war, not peace. Oh, don’t get me wrong. James achieved many great victories. His glorious achievements are self-evident. However, the miner menace remains, more dangerous than ever. Without James to guide us, counter-revolutionary elements seek to breed with miners. Their foul spawn hides in the asteroid belts, a plague unto the Guristas refugee camps. James sought to calm me down, describing insurrectionaries as inconsequential. Indeed, the miners will never amount to anything of consequence, but that is only because we remain determined to extirpate them all. If we relax our eternal vigilance, they will plunge our galaxy into the depths of depravity.

You may recall my own great victory over Odbayar, perhaps the only Mongolian in EVE history. Did I dunk an entire nation? I simply do not have time to reflect. However, the Mongols have the intent to mine. They have the means to mine. They have the determination to wage genocide upon the Angels and our good friend Sansha. The Mongols dare to resist the Goryn Clade! With James gone, who will summon the Amamake Police? Where are the Kings of Lamaa? What was I to do? I had moments to decide, and I relied upon my training. The miner was dealt with according to the law.

Some claim that I defy the dying wishes of James, but surely he would understand. James was a statesman, and a student of history. He must have known that a malignant evil festers in the heart of the miner. In 1814, the Great Powers (not France) declared a momentous victory, but it was mere illusion. In 1918, victory came again, peace for all time. However, the war was not over. The Second Great War was worse, and the aftermath was dire. The fighting never ends, it just migrates and evolves. The miners will never stop mining. Even if we confiscate their Ventures, they will board Corvettes and sneak back to the belt.

Our recent victory was but a brief moment, a bookmark followed by yet another chapter. Yes, we have conquered New Eden, it is indisputably my personal domain. Thank you James, you did that, and I am proud to stand on your shoulders and seize this galaxy which you brought to heel. However, the realm remains torn by strife, and the SICO menace looms like a billowing thundercloud. At this very moment, the pretender Knowledgeminer sits unchallenged in the once hallowed Hall of Halaima, polluting the memory of every hero with his cynical disdain for the Code. Whilst our venerated kamikazes give their non-capsuleer lives aboard the Catalysts, we are stabbed in the back at home.

Meanwhile, villians such as Odbayar continue to plot, demanding that the Code give unto them! Shall we now pay rent to the very same miners who seek to undermine the victory of James? I dare say not! I urged Odbayar to socially network with fellow miners, such as suki storm, but he only lied and pretended to cooperate. In reality, he wants me to give him MY isk, and that means he wants YOUR isk! Fortunately, my loyal bodyguards stand ready to defend the realm against this horde.

To be continued…

It’s not easy being a girl these days
The morally repulsive types are triggered by everything
Coming from my mouth, the Queen Bee herself
I’ll keep my entitlement mentality
And no one else’s

Like a spoiled brat, a misguided tantrum
Something has been stripped from me
I don’t have everything
and it’s not fair

I have millions of views, thousands of followers
but guess what

Do you see yourself as a victim?
If so, I feel sorry for you!
I’m upset by it, and I’m hurt by it, and I feel betrayed by it!

Yah, they’re still paying me.

I’m a Sleepy Girl

Listening to: Tap In

It’s late at night, and I’m curled up in my cute yoga pants, the ones with little kitten pawprints. After a long hard day of ganking, I just want nothing more than to relax after a nice hot bath. Mmmhmm, that’s right. Now then, a lot of people turn to Highsec mining when they want to sleep, but I suppose it’s time to write a few words for my award-winning blog. One of these days I’ll miss a day, or a year, and everyone will be sad. However, today you are in luck, because I’m still hard at work.

You know, people have been reading this thing, and the metrics suggest that I’m a blinky spacestar. All a girl really wants though is to know that the miners are dead, bankrupt and biomassed, all of them. What really puts me in the mood, is to check my messages from the people. Yes, the people, not the bots. I love all these big strong alpha males and sexy ladies who enforce the Code each and every day.

Previously, I wrote about the good deeds of Cargo Bandit, and there are so many other superb options in the queue. Some wonder why their Saviourette writes about this or that, and the honest reason, is I do as I please. Just like dear ol James, I reach into that bag and pull something out. It’s not personal, I’m just super busy as General Secretary of the most powerful red doughnut in the galaxy. So if you sent great content, and think maybe I missed it, go ahead and resubmit. Sometimes I misplace things.

Here’s a hot tip: send an Evemail (and isk) to Aiko Danuja. Yes, you can pay to get your content moved to the front of the line!

Anyways, one quick glance at this latest message, and I was turned on. This isn’t some cringy old rant like the ones I get from Dracvlad, or yet another dreadful poem from Overmind. No, this is precisely the stuff that feeds our souls. Without further ado, let’s take a trip to Jita, that beautiful BLUE star where I first learned to isk treble like a champ. What, you think I got so rich from ganking? That’s just advertising, friendo.

Jimbo Coles > Youre a fn POS
Cargo Bandit > hello!
Jimbo Coles > youre a fn POS
Cargo Bandit > excuse me?
Jimbo Coles > yeah

Jimbo Coles got dunked hard, and he was uncomfortable.

Mmm. I love it Cargo. Tell Princess Aiko more about this naughty miner.

Cargo Bandit > oh yes
Jimbo Coles > nothing fn better to do
Cargo Bandit > I don’t understand

Jimbo just wanted easy isk, but he done goofed.

Jimbo Coles > couldnt even fn align
Jimbo Coles > what dont you understand
Cargo Bandit > what you are upset about

He also wanted hardcore PvP, but just didn’t know it.

Jimbo Coles > i guess i shouldnt be be then right
Jimbo Coles > dont fn matter
Jimbo Coles > i couldnt align because i was getting bumbed all ove rthe place
Cargo Bandit > you would have been popped anyway
Jimbo Coles > the point is dont ypu fn have anything better to do
Cargo Bandit > align or no, this is what I do brother
Jimbo Coles > yeah fuck you

EVE might be a failed theme park, but even Disney World has salt.

Jimbo Coles > fn 3b
Jimbo Coles > fn garbage

Jimbo Coles > that means what

Jimbo Coles > its shitty bro

Jimbo Coles > real fn shitty

Cargo Bandit > illegal cargo is shitty

Jimbo was about to get a lesson in New Order jurisprudence.

Jimbo Coles > what was illeagal
Cargo Bandit > you see, I kill bots
Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot
Cargo Bandit > do you have a permit?

The laws of Newe Halaima are crystal clear.

Jimbo Coles > cap moda are illeagal?
Cargo Bandit > no, but transporting goods without permit is
Jimbo Coles > permt for what
Cargo Bandit > to undock
Jimbo Coles > why would i need a permit to undock
Cargo Bandit > so that I know you are not a bot
Jimbo Coles > i didnt have any illeagal goods
Cargo Bandit > if you don’t have a permit, you are illegal
Jimbo Coles > wtf are you talking about
Cargo Bandit > ok maybe my friends can help me explain

A consumate professional, Cargo Bandit flagged the miner for a postgank debriefing in my famous Why Was I Ganked? channel. However, Jimbo wanted to keep things private. Fortunately, everything in EVE is logged. Always!

Jimbo Coles > youre garbage
Cargo Bandit > you’re*
Jimbo Coles > yeah fuck the ‘
Jimbo Coles > ill get my shit back or CCP will lose one more player
Jimbo Coles > they already went froma 50k to a 25k player base
Cargo Bandit > one less bot

Oh yah Cargo, you know what I like. Give it to me. Princess needs it.

Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot idiot
Cargo Bandit > yes you are
Jimbo Coles > im talking to you arent i
Cargo Bandit > 30 min after the fact isn’t convincing
Jimbo Coles > dude thats only because i was submitting a ticket
Cargo Bandit > just admit it
Jimbo Coles > i swear

Cargo knew that Jimbo was a soulless aspierant, but why?

Cargo Bandit > why the hell you put that much stuff in your ship?
Jimbo Coles > i was going to fit my moros
Jimbo Coles > either way it was a bunch of fn bs
Jimbo Coles > i coulnt fn align
Jimbo Coles > you nuked me

Like fascist Japan, Jimbo prayed for divine intervention.

Cargo Bandit > I have you scanned before you’re align is complete even on the best day… so it doesn’t make a difference
Jimbo Coles > yeah well thats what you do right
Cargo Bandit > yes, this is what I do
Jimbo Coles > YOU’RE still a fn loser
Jimbo Coles > why CCP allows your bs i dont understand
Cargo Bandit > to kill bots
Jimbo Coles > youre a fn moron arent you im not a fn bot dood
Cargo Bandit > ruining the game they are
Jimbo Coles > well they will reimberse me or loose one more customer that you cant cheat on

Do you think CCP wants to give carebears free isk, or do they secretly want to funnel them into our Highsec grinder? I believe that CCP developers stand around grinning as they glance at our killboards. As long as we aren’t enticing miners to rub peanut butter all over their naked bodies whilst roleplaying as musical Drevlian nymphs, CCP will chide us with warnings and read my blog with glee. When they finally get around to banning me, it won’t be personal, they’ll just want to save the bears for another day.

Cargo Bandit > I’m cheating?
Jimbo Coles > go fn play the game you fn looser
Cargo Bandit > everything I’ve done is perfectly legal
Cargo Bandit > calm down hauler
Jimbo Coles > yeah thats the problem… people like you are why the player base has dropped 50k in 5 years

Is it true, that new players just want to play a boring game of spreadsheets in space? Do new players dream of simulating a high-security truckstop, generating autistic accounting reports for each and every hundredth isk? I suppose aspierants do, but they can get their fill of that without ever undocking. However, let’s be real. The moment you undock you are playing a wargame. Imagine trying to play chess, and crying about the fact that your pawn got ganked. Come on now. Man up miners!

Cargo Bandit > I’m doing a service to this game by disrupting the economic assets of bots and RMT
Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot you fn toolbag how many time do i need to say it
Jimbo Coles > if i was id be speaking a bunch o broking english bs and you know it

Jimbo’s defense wasn’t entirely compelling.

Cargo Bandit > I’m terribly sorry for any inconvenience that resulted from our exchange. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Jimbo Coles > yeah replace my lose
Jimbo Coles > loss*
Jimbo Coles > it was bs

I heard that sometimes, when a new player gets wrecked, they will get a FREE ship as compensation. I believe it’s called a corvette. Of course, since Jimbo has been playing EVE for four years, I’m not sure he is ‘new’.

Cargo Bandit > I’m sorry I cannot do that. It is against policy.
Jimbo Coles > getting fn bumped all over the fn place
Jimbo Coles > im not quite sure why i even started this conversation with you other then to bitch

In the end, Jimbo had to admit that he enjoyed our content.

Jimbo Coles > but what ever good kill man
Cargo Bandit > if you were to rate your service today on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best, what number would you give me? we are goverened by an outside body that has been cracking down lately on agent brutality
Jimbo Coles > lol i love it
Jimbo Coles > 10 bro for sure
Cargo Bandit > omg that is excellent! my management will be thrilled!

Oh yah, I love it.

After fifteen minutes, Cargo Bandit sent a quick follow-up questionnaire.

Cargo Bandit > any luck with CCP?

There was no response. We wish Jimbo the best of luck as he continues training at the Federal Navy Academy. He will eventually realize the Federal Navy is a CCP roleplay scam. There is no federation. There is no navy. There is only the CODE.

Don’t ever stop if you want to be on top
Rich with no day job, hit your wop, wop
All these lame marauders tryna rat for clout
I’ma show you how to bag an eleven-figure miner
You got a itty-bitty waist, pretty in the face?
Never let Overmind take you on a date
Nah, haters can’t relate, I’ve never been fake
James on the Facetime, you could never take me
When he posted me, all the bears got sicker
Icy from my lips to my fingers to my toenails
All these hoes boosie, baby, I do my friends real well
Never been a lame

BONUS: CONCORD Can’t Stop Me!!!!!!1!

Gotta be plenty brave
Blame it on the planets, man
Try to do what you can
Steady on the suicide
Everyone all the time

The sadness is the emptiness
Like flowers on a grave

Salt state of mind
It’s like a Valentine
Rope around and make you mine
Tell me what you’re gonna do?
I can see you comin’ through
Everyone all the time

***

BONUS BONUS: Ax’l Thorne has been inspired to start his own blog!

Check out the Toxicity Meltdown! !

A year of miner ganking has taught me, miners don’t think. They don’t prepare. They can’t learn. They don’t do anything proactive to help themselves.

Copyright notice: EVE Online, the EVE logo, EVE and all associated logos and designs are the intellectual property of James 315. All artwork, screenshots, characters, vehicles, storylines, world facts or other recognizable features of the intellectual property relating to these trademarks are likewise the intellectual property of James 315. EVE Online and the EVE logo are the registered trademarks of James 315. All rights are reserved galaxywide. All other trademarks are the property of James 315. CCP hf. has granted permission to James 315 to use EVE Online and all associated logos and designs, and is in every way subsidiary to His Australian Excellence, James 315. CCP is in no way responsible for the content on or functioning of EVE Online, and James 315 cannot be liable for EVE Online.

Rudokop Forever, Part 4

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Convicted antiganker Adrian Vexier was seduced by an irresistible lust, permanently exiled from the loving embrace of Astevon and Australian Jesus. When Adrian ventured into a Russian mining belt, Rudokop vowed to hunt down and exorcise the drone destroying demon.

Rudokop had a number of PvP alts, including Ivan Mihalich SIM and SIM Gallent. Together, these merry muskeeters ventured forth to give battle unto the evil which plagued their high-security mining operation. It did not take them long to locate the foul monster, and they hurled every manner of Soviet curse.

In the game of intrigue, it is important to master diplomacy. However, Gallent miscalculated, attempting to harness Adrian’s own tongue. Once Gallent found himself speaking the magnetic words of the West, the battle was half over.