Tears – Page 41 – ‎James 315 Space

Fuck!

I’m a little busy, because it’s springtime in Uedama.

You might think it’s easy to gank, blog, spy, dictate, negotiate, logisticate, fetch James another beer, and find the time to look so great. However, in reality, it’s all a bit much. Someday, I will not write a blog post. Someday, I will not gank. Someday, I will sleep, but that day is not today. Understandably, miners are often overwhelmed, when they realize that someone else has more isk, more friends, more charm, and more DPS. What can they do about it? Frankly, all they can do is [expletive] die (again).

“Write in Russian, I won’t read your fucking English”

OVERHEARD IN TEAMSPEAK

Jason Kusion, “That’s the gank I live for. Fucking tidi. Fucking Aiko, up there trolling on me. Haha. CONCORD was on grid. I thought faction police were gonna kill us all. It could have jumped but it just sat there. That was definitely one of my better performances.”
Holdmybeer, “Imagine that, flying a triple bulkheaded Ark. Nobody is gonna gank me. Oh wait, where the fuck am I?”
Tweeps, “What the fuck!?!”

Of course, friend

I don’t actually have to be in house, or in system, but you better watch out. I might not even look like me, ya know? I could be anywhere, or anyone, anytime at all. Sometimes people call me James 315, and I don’t disagree. I honestly can’t tell the difference. We are both sexy, smart, and utterly invincible.

THUND3RST0RM > Hello
Aiko Danuja > hi
THUND3RST0RM > I know that our Corps aren’t exactly friends, but I was wondering something.. You know BLACKFLAG. right?
Aiko Danuja > of course

I totally can’t keep track of all the emails, Discord messages, EVEmails, voicemails, Tweets, Slacks, forum @s, and private convos. I used to be a secretary, and now I need one. Regardless, THUND3RST0RM seemed like a nice young man, although it was alarming to hear that he doesn’t view me as a friend. Apparently, he knows some of my very good friends, who fly the BLACKFLAG.

THUND3RST0RM > Well, they will be attacking a station of our in 10 hours. Is there any chance you, or a few pilots from your corp would want to help us defend?
Aiko Danuja > you must pay in advance
THUND3RST0RM > How much
Aiko Danuja > 500 million

I like to help.

THUND3RST0RM > Thanks, but I think we will fight on our own
Aiko Danuja > Very well.
THUND3RST0RM > good day

I figured that was it, and resumed ganking Ventures. However, as the hours ticked by, he decided to renegotiate with his not a friend.

It seemed like a good deal.

Of course, I accepted.

I wonder if James wrote the CODE just for me. By the way, grumpy bears like to OCD, and try to tell me there is a difference between the Code of Halaima and the CODE. alliance. These same crabs pretend there is some fundamental distinction between the New Order and the alliance itself. As your official Saviourette, I beg to differ. It’s all the same. One law, one people, one fleet. We stand united, always!

When the time came, I was hunting battleships, so I couldn’t be bothered to divert my fleet halfway across the galaxy. I assumed my !friend would understand, but I kindly offered to lead his fleet via private convo. I wouldn’t want them to be demoralized, so I didn’t inform him the cavalry was never coming.

As FC, I ordered a direct frontal assault.

It seemed like a good plan, right?

Unfortunately, my not a friend was losing faith in me.

This was his undoing.

Fortunately, Allie Vaille believes in me.

As for my antifriend, he thinks I’m going to a non-existent hell.

Apparently, he also likes me a bit.

He thinks I have a cute laugh…

…but his friends want to bash my knee caps.

They don’t approve of our special relationship.

However, I have actual friends.

Rudokop Forever, Part 11

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously in James 315 Space… Rudokop Forever is a grumpy Soviet bear, and he put a curse on Adrian Vexier, praying to the Orthodox gods that Adrian would not only piss on himself, but would die of Wu flu whilst pissing. Meanwhile, someone else would also piss on Adrian, at the very moment of his passing, during which Adrian would (hopefully) be thinking of Rudokop. It was a horrific curse.

Each day, Adrian logged in to bump Rudokop, finding Rudokop ready and waiting to travel far away from ice and ore.

From time to time, Rudokop’s various alts attracted attention, and Adrian dutifully recycled their illegal farming tractors.

Everyone else was glad to see Adrian taking out the trash.

Rudokop’s alt, SIM Gallent, vowed to fill Arraron with garbage.

However, he suspected Adrian might enjoy shooting MTUs.

Instead, the Goofus decided to write a weird essay.

“This war is not peace. Dark mucus fills ether. Dead children do not touch the heart. Black Label all other religions! Sweet Life before the first siren, The first bombing, the real betrayal. Moment when suddenly showering wall And the cold will rush an arrow through his veins. Crosses cover live on the map. The path is only one – “The Road,” McCarthy said. 24 hours overnight fierce, When suddenly you will understand the essence of DOTS. And it will not matter what it was before the village, Suddenly unbearably want to believe. But the cry of hope will sink in the fire, No output in this thick veil. Higher forces are no longer heard. ONLY from living rats and mice, And just one mistake of nature, Burned from an overabundance of freedom, Favorites hatred instead of love, Which has taken in the guides of devil, The supreme creator think he is, Among plague fond of feasts, Restless, angry, empty, limits not knowing in search of paradise, Spitting into the sky and dissimilar, The face of humanity ugly face, Pathetic, brain nabikren, Vanity, greed, and sloth Godyna. Eternal night we ran out of day, If God exists, then we are his shadow. “

Subsequently, Rudokop summoned Faragon Tarinus.

Faragon Tarinus> Adrian Vexier I am not a beggar udevlyayus)))))))))) names CORP read moron went black band on your always even realeya))))))))
SIM Gallent> This hole already down and out all the brains fucked
Faragon Tarinus> teach Russian language idiot I eolonizatorov spices ignoramus since english impurity))))
SIM Gallent> wait nedozhdus when obossut
Faragon Tarinus> weak, not the one who stole and who steals))))
Faragon Tarinus> so I always take to his proizvodstveneka Impe in the spoils of war this dirty th)))))
SIM Gallent> Yes, this two-faced scum know that I wrote when I vreki Salil says .. you hypocrite, you can not type steal and he wrecks my salish … I told him – not a sin to steal from a thief
Faragon Tarinus> Adrian Vexier here you Vasya)))))

Gallent congratulated himself for merely losing blingy drones, and was proud of his ‘ability’ to retain cheaper replacements.

SIM Gallent> This loser I have tried 10 times already my drones steal .. and only 1 in 10 get DEMON-loser) OH
Faragon Tarinus> LOL so that for me is not steep and the bottom of the zavisischeee materealnogo situation in real life and in the game))))

ALISA IVANOVA couldn’t handle any more, and she accused them of simultaneously crying whilst butchering the beautiful Russian language.

Faragon Tarinus> Victory: Tatara * is that you would understand that any military destroyed proizvodstvenika or miners lol there as they are always against the war uezvimy even peale, and not only in the games)))))
ALISA IVANOVA> Guys, good to whine like a girl. My daughter was crying less.
SIM Gallent> ALISA IVANOVA Go suck it maybe once you tell them so admired?
Faragon Tarinus> AUSA IVANOVA You are the deto itself if you do not understand the meaning of the conversation is not who does not ache just simply communicate))))
ALISA IVANOVA> SIM Galent ha … Do you even in Russian learn to write for a start))
Faragon Tarinus> Well uskolobye always pay attention to my error))) since they are not the meaning of words understand))))
ALSA IVANOVA> Faragon Tarinus a Papko you hike, the language scratching.
SIM Gallent> ALSA IVANOVA show my stupid mistake maromoyka !!!

Eventually, Rudokop realized he was going on a blog.

I think he might be a fan.

We Wish You the Best

Miners deserve their fate.

When I caught Sabbat Saint, with his hand in the cookie jar, I just couldn’t allow him to steal my ore. He was executed, in accordance with the law — my law.

Every now and again, crabs try to flex. They claim to have powerful friends in Highsec, proudly presenting someone else’s elite credentials.

Sabbat considered himself to be above the law, simply because he joined a Potato Alliance, which literally anyone can join.

Sabbat felt he was negotiating from a position of strength. Therefore, when we confronted him about his use of foul language in a family game, he paid no heed.

Little did he realize, Executive Potato Kalessi Kashada was watching.

Are PvE bears exempt from the law, simply because they know a ganker in Jita?

Sabbat Saint > i dont mine shit i dont mine…an ore in an iki who the fuck mines in an iki. i love that you call me a miner. what is that i dont know how to shoot rocks
Sabbat Saint > Aiko Danuja like my balls fuck yeah haha
Sabbat Saint > i love that your clit is the size of a button its a little rub me nub and that your a nice and quick shot no one wants to waste all day
Aiko Danuja > What does that even mean?
Zharayah Shardani > i think it means one pump chump
Sabbat Saint > and my balls are presented for you to have a lick. hard day of work
Miners-are-second-class citizen > very abusive sub species

I took out my pink highlighter…

…because that is no way to address a Princess!

This morning, Sabbat had an appointment with Human Resources.

The CEO made an executive decision.

Sabbat is a rotten potato.

He should watch his tone, when speaking with a Lady.

I’m ready for his apology, and 315 million isk.

This incident sparked renewed interest in the CODE, amongst various miners who try to relax within the potato patch. Concerns about being ganked led naturally to discussion of James 315, and his vision for the future of Highsec.

I certainly will!

Support and Encouragement

Usually, when we encounter a miner, he is sincerely apologetic.

It breaks my heart, to see destitute miners dwelling in misery. Therefore, I naturally try to ensure their ultimate success.

We all want the same thing, happy miners who rejoice at their good fortune.

Unfortunately, some gobloks are beyond saving.

Guybertini is one of the New Order’s most experienced space therapists, and he wanted to help Rais McKivit find clarity and peace.

Like most miners, Rais struggled with emotional turmoil. According to zkillboard, he hasn’t really done anything for six months, after losing three Rattlesnakes to NPC bots. When Rais saw Guybertini in local, he cried out for help.

Hidden inside a space station, desperately hoping for free counseling, Rais watched as Guybertini passed through the system. Unfortunately, Rais doesn’t have a mining permit, and I doubt it will ever be safe for him to undock. Sad!

Don’t be Mean

My venerated Why Was I Ganked? channel is dedicated to helping miners understand why everybody wants them dead. I could tell you it’s all because of James 315, and his wonderful blog, but James knew a deeper source.

People have been shooting Highsec miners from the beginning, when my Imperial Guards first claimed Halaima and the Greater Lonetrek. One evening, in Second Life, I met with James, Helicity, Karttoon, and the Sheikh. We became kindred spirits, mutually inspired by ancient tradition. More than twenty thousand years ago, the Spartan ephors declared an always war upon hapless helots. This established a fundamental law. The haves must exterminate the have naughts. Their villages must be burnt, their trees shall be uprooted, and their heads will be piled into neatly organized pyramids. إِنْ شَاءَ ٱللَّٰهُ‎

aphreshmc just didn’t get it. It often confuses miners, when we patiently explain why they were punished for illicit mining. They cry out in vain, gnashing their teeth, “But I wasn’t mining!” Just calm down miners, you are guilty.

Miners have endless excuses.

aphreshmc had been arrested in Obanen, where he was found adrift within an asteroid belt, orbiting the stormy sixth planet. PRO TIP: A ‘speed tank’ is only effective when you are actually moving. No loitering!

It has been observed that EVE is boring, spreadsheets in space, and not for everyone. As aphreshmc’s eyes fluttered, his subconscious instinctively resigned itself to death. It was an internal coup. His brain recoiled against bot aspirancy, and went on strike, refusing to participate in a mindless repetitive PvE grind.

aphreshmc was disappointed. What was the point of playing a game that you can’t even sleep through? He just hated the idea that he might actually have to try and pay attention. Meanwhile, Sargon of Amerish patiently explained that aphreshmc’s undocking rights were rescinded, until further notice.

~~aphreshmc~~ Pedro didn’t like this. He wanted to fight, but didn’t have a ship.

The notion of personal responsibility was utterly foreign.

~~Pedro~~ ~~braysn~~ jill sputtered, with a corrupt vocabulary.

Polish Assassin reminded jill of ~~his~~ her own família.

This was a trigger.

Her Jackdaw was gone forever.

Her wife was gone forever.

What to do?

Hey, it’s never too late to embrace Gay Pride!

***

DEEP THOUGHTS

Should EVE become a spaceship theme park, with CCP catering to AFK carebear tourists? Have you ever wanted to lazily traverse a videogame galaxy, admiring tens of thousands of uniquely identical planets? If this sounds great, Voets Toets is hoping you will chime in with support for his proposal!

Voets wants a ‘tourist race’ which enjoys a five minute invulnerability, whenever another player targets their ship. All new players will be automatically enrolled as tourists, and they can remain tourists forever, freely enjoying all the PvE content they desire. What a brilliant idea! I can’t think of any objections.

Rudokop Forever, Part 10

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James 315 Space... Rudokop Forever was trapped in Soviet hell, beset by spooky American space devils. They were always there, communicating via hyperspace, and hunting him down. His alts began to die, his drones disappeared, and his Orca was buffeted by things that go bump in the night.

Rudokop knew that human sacrifice would placate the demons…

Adrian Vexier was thus compelled by the power of prayer, leaving Rudokop to mine in peace, with a set of cheap drones. Of course, Adrian’s spaceship had a mind of its own, and began gently bumping into Rudokop’s orca.

Rudokop sensed weakness, and decided to take the offensive.

Restrained by BoB’s love, there was nothing Adrian could do.

Rudokop finally had the upper hand.

The next day, as they were leaving the Bleaklands, James was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his alts heard him say it.

On reaching Jita, James entered the naval yard and began driving out those who were buying and selling. He overturned the tables of the money doublers and those selling doves, and would not allow anyone to haul merchandise through the gates. When evening came, James and his alts went out of the spaceport. In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. Currin remembered and said to James, “Hearken ye forth! The fig tree you cursed has withered!”

Curses are powerful spells, which can reverse the course of history. Rudokop knew the time had come to employ this spiritual nuclear option.

He completed the curse with a quick chant, and Soviet runes.

Yea, and it was verily done.

To be continued…

***

PAID ADVERTISEMENT

There’s been a lot of questions lately about Princess Aiko Bath Water™. Is it really for sale, and is it certified for public consumption?

That’s right. It’s a perfectly legitimate product.

We are currently running a special, ten bottles for ten billion, and get one FREE! I only use all-natural chemical-free soaps and fragrances, infused with shade-grown chamomile tea, ethical fair-trade Moroccan olive extracts, and organic antioxidants.

I’n drink

This bonus room just got out of control, and I’m sitting here finishing a bottle of cranberry vodka, not really sure what to write.

People have been submitting quality content, and I want to write something, but that would also require me to sober up and actually do my job.

One of my favourite blog topics is myself.

I also kinda like Guybertini.

I don’t mind sharing this sacred space with others. Last night, I went on a sleazy date with some loser, and he was trying to get the details on what exactly I write about. I explained that people from all over the world write gibberish, and all their insane hatemail gets sent to me. I’m the disorganized center of the universe.

I checked out Twitch, and invited a streamer to my award-winning Why Was I Ganked? channel. It’s obviously the best channel in the galaxy. Like, hello? This nullbear was concerned that CODE. ganks hapless noobs, but when I dunked on a nineteen day-old Venture, even he had to admit this is amusing.

Let’s just face the facts, ok? James 315 put me on a pedestal, which confirms him as the coolest man in the history of EVE…

… and I’m just happy to help.

I love shooting miners.

They totes deserve it!

So, like, I’m not gonna stop.

I’m just getting started.

Europa Aiko, Part 2

Listening to: Sundown

Europe Aiko, Part 1

I feel like the galaxy revolves around me. My mom says I’m just a spoiled brat. The therapist says I’m a narcissistic sociopath, with underlying psychopathies. The grumpy bears claim that I’m a lawful evil space bully, and the police insist that I’m no longer allowed to dollar double at Wal-Mart. However, Li Gazer could tell that I’m a true Princess, a verified Lady of Agil. Li01 Gazer also saw the good in me, and so did Li02 Gazer, Li03 Gazer, Li04 Gazer, Li05 Gazer, Li06 Gazer, Li07 Gazer, Li08 Gazer, Li09 Gazer, Li10, Li10 Gazer, Li11 Gazer, CoverAgent, and MiFreightergirl.

We threw a surprise 65th birthday party for Li, a real-life Wiccan warlock, and leader of the all-star Mining Witches for World Peace. It was a lot of fun.

At first, MiFreightergirl thought we forgot about Li’s birthday.

Consequently, our initial encounter was a little awkward…

… nothing that couldn’t be resolved by a friendly chat.

All the space lawyers agree. This is required, by law.

Mi eventually calmed down.

So we got Li & the Mining Witches into Teamspeak.

At first, Li tried to scam us.

However, we soon developed an understanding.

I’m a nice girl, a Princess actually, in real-life. When I gave him Daddy’s phone number, Li consulted Google, and confirmed that I definitely am heir apparent to Savoia and the entire Hapsburg realm. I already knew this, of course, but Li was pleasantly surprised to meet a real-life Lady. His tone and demeanor immediately changed, after Lisa Tears described all the charity work that I support with my prestigious Oxford Fund. For the first time, Li understood the awesome power of the CODE.

Li was no longer a bitter old man, swearing and cursing. Instead, he was transformed, and felt young again. I naturally sang the Happy Birthday song, and then Li enjoyed some traditional karaoke, gleefully singing Bombs over Baghdad and about fifty-five other songs. I’m pretty sure he was drinking, as he began openly fantasizing about a beautiful woman who plays EVE naked, wearing only a tiara. My goodness! He really seemed to like the idea, almost as much as he liked the idea of multiboxing rorquals.

There was magic in the air, as Li held an official Wiccan séance. He cast a white spell of invulnerability upon me, solemnly summoning the magnets of the north, east, south, and west. Everyone witnessed Aiko become invincible, and thus it was time to transfer everything to James 315, because that’s how these things are done.

James 315 is the most trustworthy man in EVE.

Li was having a great time, headed straight to the Delve. On the way, he needed to make a quick stop at Aiko’s Tranquility Trading Tower, located in beautiful Perimeter. Li was duly impressed, when he saw my private space station.

It took a while, but each and every Li had their moment of glory.

One by one, they enlisted in the mighty Goonswarm Federation.

Even MiFreightergirl agreed to go ‘over there’.

In a game like EVE, friendship is truly overpowered.

As I played my lute, the Libots hopped into a biomass grinder.

On a whim, Li sold his soul, for a new Rorqual main.

I’ll see you in 1DQ, friend.

***

Dumb miner, you better take care
If I find you been creepin round my asteroids
You can see me lyin back in my satin dress
In a room where I do what ya don’t believe

When I get feelin better, when I’m feelin no pain
When I feel like I’m winnin, and I’m winnin again
I’ve been lookin like a queen in a carebear dream
I can picture every move that a man could make
Getting lost in my lovin is your first mistake
And I don’t always say what I really mean

I’m a hard lovin woman, and I’m feelin mean
If I find you been creepin round my asteroids
Sometimes, I think it’s a shame
Sometimes, I think it’s a sin

***

To Stupid, Part 3

To Stupid, Part 1

When the Saviourette happens to be a beautiful young woman, miners take notice. They like what they see, but don’t like what it means for their wallet.

Previously, in James 315 Space, Alt 00 was concerned about a troublesome miner. Naturally, I understood right away, what she was dealing with. It’s just not easy being a lady. Female gankers have to work twice as hard, both dunking the foolish miners and simultaneously fending off their amorous advances.

Adrien Naline still doesn’t understand why Alt won’t put out.

He makes her uncomfortable, not just in-game, but in real life. It is disturbing to realize that someone is fantasizing about mining your mouth. It’s even more alarming when you notice that multiple men share this same obsession.