Category: Tears

Fuck! #3

Previously, in James 315 Space, miners learned a new word.

Sometimes, they can’t spell it.

Regardless, they love to use it.

They know exactly what it means.

It has something to do with sex.

It also has something to do with me.

I think they want to fuck me.

Oh yah, they want it so bad.

Some miners even like my mouth.

I like it too!

They also want to fuck my friends.

I’m so glad the miners are content.

Such happy little bears.

They are even learning other languages.

“Go fuck morons, frostbitten!”

“Asshole, fuckers!”

“Fuck you, pindos!”

They sure are learning a lot!

I’m glad we met…

…and got to know one another!

 

 

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #221

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #220

Hello friends.

Miners truly appreciate our hard work.

You can tell by how not upset they are.

At lot of people think I’m the best. I can agree with that.

“You stupid European bitch, brains in your skull like a mosquito fucked, such scum as you are better to destroy in the womb, for more than sitting fucking in your isolated barn and poking at the buttons of the mind is not enough.”

I’m a Lady, and miners love my content.

Some of them don’t seem very sensible.

However, I’m sure they learnt an important lesson.

At the very least, they seem to enjoy mining, and reading my blog.

They can tell I’m a nice girl, and they’d like to meet my mother.

“I’m going to shit on your fucking mother, fill the cone with worms like your son of a thousand parents, I hope you die of AIDS, you and all your fucking chestnut, disgusting daughter.”

I know what these bears really need.

I want to make them happy.

They are gonna get a whole lot of it.

Every goblok is gonna get just exactly what they deserve.

It’s gonna be fun!

Everybody is gonna have a great time.

I guess some things never change.

 

 

Captain Bonkers

Miners aren’t the brightest…

…but they know who we are.

They know why we are coming…

…and they especially love to see me.

We are all just playing a game…

…and we aren’t gonna stop.

Recently, Captain Bonk lost a Venture. Oops!

After a quick investigation, we determined it was his own fault.

He seems to like me a lot.

What a friendly bot.

First things first.

Permits are required by law!

Captain Bonk writes a lot of great mails. I would get banned if I wrote such things, but Bonk is a miner, so he can write anything he wants.

What a classy miner.

I’m sure he’s a great person, in real-life!

 

 

 

          

Mean Man Vale

Recently, I was out dunking sad little Ventures, when I came across a mining Tayra. I naturally checked for a permit, and was thoroughly disappointed to realize that Vale Toralen is a common ore thief. I waited patiently for him to acknowledge me in local chat, but he was AFK, in violation of the CODE.

When he woke up, Vale wanted to discuss his feelings.

After this abusive tirade, everyone rushed to console me.

Meanwhile, Vale began to write me.

He’s gonna sell my killright, IRL.

Apparently, I ruined his empire.

He will send CONCORD after me, and all my friends!

He’s gonna report me, and I will be banned!

Does he even know who I am?

He is serious, with a powerful main!

I tried to help him calm down.

He is sending 100 alts after me, a teenage girl!

He’s also selling my info!

Hold on now, is he threatening me?

I think he likes me.


 

Good Morning Kiddo, Part 2

Previously in James 315 Space…  In Star Trek, there is an alternate opposite universe, where everyone good is evil, and everyone evil is good. In this bizarro dimension, James 315 is a space Maoist, who yearns to be the Servitor of Highsec. Instead of successfully ganking illegal miners, Absolute Order agents prefer to failgank innocent Catalysts.

Yes Mr Cheng was minding his business, when his alter ego opened fire with a Caracal Navy Issue. Krase Stolkar didn’t do any damage, but he proceeded with Absolute Order protocol, declaring a backwards victory. There was a method to this madness. While Mr Cheng was laughing, Krase smuggled an entire Orca through Isanamo!

When Sargon noted that he has a killright, Krase wasn’t amused.

The following day, Krase decided it was time to write an essay.

Krase is a tycoon.

He isn’t upset about his Caracal.

In real life, Krase has a Haas Super Mini Mill.

That’s a BIG machine.

I hope to learn more about the renewed adventures of Governor Lee, and his merry band of Absolute plebs.

Good Morning Kiddo!

Previously in James 315 Space… Elite New Order operatives went deep inside a notorious Highsec terrorist organization: Harmony Order. We all thought it was over, mission accomplished, but was it? Would EVE Online’s most ambitious Chinese communist truly stand down? Of course not. When your alliance is piloted like an AFK Orca, and suddenly collapses, it’s easy enough to pay CCP for a brand new alliance. Harmony Order was thus reformed, with a little more order.

With twenty ‘battalions’ of Absolute Order, the Absolute Honor alliance stands strong and ready to bring “casual PvE/PvP/Mining” to Highsec.

These are genuine space Maoists, and it’s not roleplay!

They seek to build a more democratic galaxy, centered upon one man, the glorious supreme protector, the Servitor of Highsec – Governor Lee.

He is incompetent.

To be continued…

kalo loses a Venture

Listening to: Melodic Techno Mix

Previously in James 315 Space… kalo kohan lost a Venture.

Afterwards, he got a letter.

kalo got beat by a girl!

He knows exactly what women need.

At first, kalo tried to reason with her.

Then he became angry.

That stupid girl!

Where is her man?

kalo struggled to express himself in any known language.

He just wants to see me again.

kalo feels so confused.

His feelings defy logic.

She seems to really like him…

…and kato is a waiting.

He loves his prinsesa.

What is he saying?

Surely, a true Princess would understand him?

What a wonderful lady!

I don’t think we need to translate that one.

Men!

I know they like me.

“Yet I urge you to be kind.”

Aw, he’s in love!

Isn’t that cute?

I know what he needs.

He needs me!

I hope he finds a nice mining girl.

 

Fuck! #2

Fuck! #1

I woke up, admiring my long legs, in a beam of Uedama sunlight. Jason Kusion poured me a nice cool glass of cucumber water, “Hello, beautiful!” Dolphin Don chimed in, “Good morning, Princess.” Krig added, “Hey, baby.” It was the start of another great day, but I wasn’t sure what to put in my awesome award-winning blog. I undocked in my beloved pink Catalyst, which has 3887 killmarks, and reclined in my premium pod goo. Finally, I checked my email, and realized exactly what I want to do.

This is some unknown indecipherable sub-dialect of… Cebuano?

Yes, beautiful Cebuano, the language of Vasaya.

I think I know what he means…

The poor fellow lost a Venture.

Jump. Jump. Jump.

Jump. Jump. Jump.

Primary is the Providence.

 

Shoot on landing.

 

 

Shameless

Listening to: Renegades of Funk

Back when I was just a secretary, I often felt overwhelmed. Everybody wanted to talk with James, and so they would write me. More than one person assumed that I am James, because perhaps James is a beautiful young woman (who just loves killing miners). I don’t know, friend, I suppose it might be true.

What does this mean for the blog? Well, I can’t capture every nuance. The queue of unposted stuff is growing, and I’ll never be able to tell the full story. Regardless, we all know how it ends. The mighty CODE. alliance just keeps winning daily, because there’s absolutely no stopping an invincible juggernaut.

If you are a miner, there’s one thing you should understand.  We are coming to kill you, all of you. If you pay us, right now, we just might indulge your little mining fetish. We could even adopt you, as some kind of cute cuckold pet. However, you have been warned. We won’t tolerate any more excuses. This is not the time for debate, or negotiation. You will surrender and submit, or the New Order will extirpate you.

Carebears lead new players astray. They convince them CODE. is a joke, and James is permabanned, gone off to play World of Warcraft with his hot kickboxing girlfriend. They insist that nobody in CODE. has a clue what we are doing, and we are just docked-up roleplayers who eat paint chips. When a miner learns the hard truth, they are often rather upset, and nothing close to calm.

I’m truly sorry about that, but it’s gonna get even worse for you. If you thought losing a barge was bad, just wait until you get into a bigger ship.

They are notorious liars, and cannot be trusted.

Do not suffer the miner. The only appropriate response is to blast them with neutrons, before they can establish a nest. When I wake up in the morning, and I see little Ventures scurrying about, I do what any self-respecting woman would do. I scream, and then I clean house. For some reason, goofuses seem to like this, believing that they gain some financial benefit from systematic extermination.

I intend to biomass the mining caste. I made this clear in my coronation speech. Some crabs claim they can’t understand, because their speakers are trash, or they are partially deaf, and just can’t hear me over the roaring crowd. Let me explain. I’m not doing this for isk, or roleplay. I’m doing it because miners disgust me.

Gobloks often threaten to overthrow me.

I am not concerned about that. Their pathetic self-preservation addiction is nauseating, but it is hardly a threat unto me.

When I’m done with them, they’ll be begging for James.

There’s no shame in quitting.

I’ll help them all.

No matter how hard you try, you can’t stop us now
We’re the renegades of this time and age
Since the VCBees and the days of Jihadswarm
Right down through the Hulkageddon
New Eden kept going through changes
From a different solar system, many many galaxies away
We are the force of another creation
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Now renegades are the people
They change the course of history
Everyday people like you and me
We’re the renegades, we’re the people
With our own philosophies
We change the course of history
Everyday people like you and me
We’re poppin’, sockin’, rockin’ puttin’ a side of hip-hop
Because where we’re goin’ there ain’t no stoppin’
We’re teachers of the funk
And not of empty popping

 

 

 

 

Stark Raving Mad, Part 7

Watch this AFK streamer get WRECKED!

Stark Raving Mad, Part 1

Listening to: The Plan

Previously, in James 315 Space… Princess Aiko was once an ordinary gankerette, with perfect breeding, impeccable charm, and endless Khanid wealth. Of course, the Jamespocalypse was nigh, and Aiko intended to supersede Helicity Boson as the Imperium’s Divine Keepstress of Hulks. Could the siren of Orcageddon survive one last challenge from the rebellious Highsec mining caste?

Each day, like clockwork, Lilliana returned to Audaerne.

Lilliana knew the truth. Aiko is a shameless hussie, who slept her way straight to the top. James 315 was thus seduced by Aiko’s vision of a New Order, rejecting Caldari corporate heresies and embracing the pious mercy of Khanid. However, could Lilliana defeat Aiko and seize the High Throne of Halaima for herself?

Lilliana’s alt VictorStark Stark sacrificed an Orca, in a vain attempt to impress James. Would the future of the mighty CODE. alliance rest upon the AFK leadership of gobloks, non-undockers, and super cringy roleplay carebears? Each and every day, the miners of SICO listened intently as Lilliana made her case, denouncing Aiko and boldly proclaiming herself to be the one true Saviourette.

Lilliana and Victor lost everything they had, including their dignity, but perhaps they could convince Aiko to quit EVE (again)? Some of the SICO bears supported Lilliana, urging Aiko to give them a hasty blowjob before uninstalling.

Inspired by Lilliana, every miner fantasized about how they might run the mighty CODE. alliance, if only James would support their candidacy.

Some prophesied the coming of a carebear messiah.

Others saw themselves as the promised ganking CEO.

Lilliana saw herself as the future of CODE.

She intended to bully Aiko straight out of the game.

However, Aiko has a lot of friends.

Were Aiko’s friends strong enough to endure Lilliana’s abuse?

Aiko had never experienced such discipline.

Perhaps, the Princess was willing to negotiate a truce?

If not, Lilliana would continue until downtime…

Would Lilliana ever calm down?

Finally, it was time for a permanent nap.

Lilliana’s former main, VictorStark, had been reduced to a mere assetless alt. He briefly chimed in, as Lilliana logged off.

The other miners watched sadly, as VictorStark faded from history.

***

BONUS: Do you know what’s going on in Uedama? The Reddit plebs aren’t sure, but perhaps you can chime in and let them know what’s up.

***

Yeah, ayy, uh
I gotta, I gotta, I gotta blap
Yo, yo, yo, ayy

I do this cause I can (yeah)
I just took care of my fam (ayy)
Thought this was always the plan (yeah)

You don’t understand (ayy)
Karttoon just opened the can
No fufu that’s not on my brand (ayy)
Call me when you need a hand (yeah)

Always scrutinized
Must have mixed us with a different group
Spot the truth or lies, I mean business but I’m not in suit and ties
Just been prophesized (yeah, uh)
This fell right into place (yeah)

Liquor and women, two things I don’t chase (uh)
Don’t got a minute to waste (yeah)
Mask off, I’m showing my face (yeah)
They hate so much, it’s a disgrace (uh)
I put ’em back into place (yeah)

Hall of Fame, Aiko’s a shoe in
Ten years, this has been brewing (ayy)
Number one spot, I’m pursuing (ayy)
Exclusive like “Who done let you in?”
Money talks, I speak it fluent

Pack, flip that, making quick stacks
Taking a quick trap nap (yeah)
I go all night and shit, ain’t gotta hide this
This hit’s a freestyle, I ain’t even write this
Thought that was always the plan (ayy)

There’s only one way, there’s only one option
There’s only one route to get there, you know?
And this got more and more digits than a license plate
Them nine-ten figures don’t make themselves, yadadamean?
You gotta get it! This was always the plan