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Highsec Miner Grab Bag #215

I love hearing from tributaries. I especially like when they don’t trespass in my high security zone, and when they voluntarily send offerings from afar, formally acknowledging my absolute feudal sovereignty over the entire galaxy. It’s almost like some people want to see the mining caste erased, completely and utterly extirpated.

Sometimes, my subjects also seek a personal relationship with their Saviourette.

They don’t need to say a word. I understand.

I just hope everyone knows how to spell.

A lot of people wonder, as the most powerful woman in the galaxy, what do I enjoy the most? Dear friend, it’s not just the isk, sex, fame, and power. No, I’d say my favourite thing is the Highsec Miner Grab Bag. I find it relaxing.

Back in January, when James transferred me the logs and screenshots (dating all the way to 2003), I was absolutely amazed. I can enjoy this archive whenever I want, and oh boy, I sure do love these salted crabs.

Can you imagine??? Mining? Why?????

Honestly, what is wrong with these bots?

A lot of people enjoy EVE, but nobody likes a miner.

People claim that CODE. is irrelevant, but I’m not so sure.

I’ve got their sporadic attention.

Finished nasty slut, I’m your kind of fucking scum

They kinda like me.

Talcum on the level of your fucking mouth and in five condoms

However, I don’t really understand them.

You fucking horse, lover of wasp in dogs and cats. Learn the fucking creatures Russian, you are not worthy to talk to you, cocksuckers and cocksuckers, you fucking zoophiles

Nor am I especially fond of them.

PIDARASY YOU ARE ALL CODE, COCKES, SLUTS, ZOOFILES, YASH ROD AND ASS FUCKED ALL DIRTY ANIMALS

That’s why you were ganked, friend.

Truly, EVE has the best Soviet era content.

And you pissed shmuck, for the fact that your sixes attacked without warning, I am waiting for compensation, and I had 2 geckos inside.

Indeed, it’s great in any language.

I want to meet every Highsec miner…

…and I want to kill them all.

That’s what James would want.

It’s also what the miners want.

They love it.

They need it.

Let’s be completely honest…

…they truly deserve it.

Considering that Sirtech hasn’t quit the game, it’s fair to say CODE. has never caused CCP to lose a player. We provide content, and miners crave it.

The Best Revenge, Part 85

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… His grand excellency, aiva naali, aka 140, aka Kingpin, aka the Caravaneer, has been skyrocketing to super stardom. It’s always a total mindtrip, when you officially become leader of the most powerful alliance in the galaxy. I can only imagine how he must feel, to find himself standing astride the shoulders of giants. Indeed, aiva’s name is already engraved in the Hall of Heroes, alongside his esteemed peers: James 315, Leia Jadesol, Zaenis Desef, Kanye North, and the Mittani. Unfortunately, when his laptop suddenly exploded, everything came to a screeching halt.

Fortunately, via his cellphone, Agent Anvil, aka the nullsec nomad, was still able to access the official Goonswarm High Command discord.

Bzz. Bzz. Bzz. Go Goons!

It is the hub of the hive.

Everybody wanted to play EVE, but Wu Flu was spreading dark gloomy news across the galaxy, and Princess Aiko urged quantum to solve reality.

The Gewnfuehrer just needed three years, and some spare parts, to save New York. Governor Cuomo sends his eternal gratitude.

It was a true team effort, and Goonswarm’s leading industrial experts were summoned, to assemble all the required modules.

Princess Aiko urged quantum to do whatever it might take to save the world.

Just then, Tweeps interrupted with an important announcement.

As always, Princess Aiko kept James 315 updated on every nuance.

The new Slack channel was automated, perfect for quarantined leadership.

Although James intended to pass away, he wanted to ensure his ‘lil bullet was always guided with words of wisdom from above.

To ensure that quantum’s biological needs were fully met, James asked Aiko to join Quantum in the quarantine chamber.

Together, they would wait out the pandemic, just the two of them.

Aiva misspelled his own name, presumably to maintain operational security.

To be continued…

Thanks for the free isk, bro – Part 2!

Previously on James315.Space… 246624 was a happy bot, enjoying its Mackinaw and Harvester drones. Highsec is a good place for botting, or so 246624 calculated, before its Mackinaw magically disappeared. Where did the Harvester drones go? 246624 was instantly teleported to my wonderful chat channel, known to the EVE community as the greatest content funnel in the galaxy: Why Was I Ganked? Here, the bot appears daily, dutifully processing data and trying to discern reality.

Recently, 246624 receved an input request for 100 million isk, and its programming malfunctioned. Instead of the requested amount, 246624 sent a cool billion isk, and proudly displayed its new mining permit.

Most EVE players don’t consider selling a mining permit. Nobody actually buys those, right? A few gankers sell them for a measly ten million isk, but why stop there? 100 million? A billion? Dear reader, some miners will pay 100 billion, and that’s no joke. I could tell that 246624 was ready to become a nullsec nomad.

I used to work in sales, and I’d have the boys fill semi-trucks with whatever they could toss in. They’d pack crates sideways and wedge them in tight, so you couldn’t even unload, and I definitely sent all that banged up merchandise from when the tower of money collapsed (because illegal Javier backed a forklift into the pyramid). Just read the contract closely friend, and good luck getting your stuff out of the truck, before the driver charges overtime. I guess it was all damaged in shipping? Just file a claim, friend, we’ll get that taken care of right away! I really appreciate your business, friend, it’s been a real pleasure! People would be calling in crying, got the wrong item, so sad, wrong color, wrong size, doesn’t work, paid way too much. Friend, that’s how it’s done! Please hold. Always!

246624 was confused. Why would anyone want to hurt a bot? However, I like to play fair, and made sure that 246624 knew exactly who it was talking to. Look, I’ve been yapping for nine years about this whole New Order thing, but some miners just aren’t willing to pay attention. That’s not my fault, friend. I kindly linked my coronation speech. Turn up the volume and listen closely, there’s a hidden message!

I even showed 246624 the EVE learning curve. I’m up here bulldozing miners, and crucifying them in the name of James. Are you a miner?

Unfortunately (or perhaps, fortunately, depending on one’s perspective), the bot simply could not compute these cold equations. All it really wanted was to use excavator drones in Highsec. Wouldn’t that be nice?

It was time to start playing EVE, and 246624 was in for a treat.

The Mackinaw is fully fitted, right? Of course, friend! I would never gouge a bot.

Here, friend, have a Maller! I’m happy to help.

I wanted to sell a stack of drones for 3 billion, but 246624 was running out of money, for some mysteriously inexplicable reason.

I had to do some quick math… 400 million?

In a spooky space channel, I admitted that my success in EVE is utterly surreal.

246624 got the Mackinaw, but something was apparently wrong.

I wanted to help, but what happened?

Is there a terrorist cult in EVE Online?

We must defeat the evildoers!

246624 was inspired by her Princess.

All miners must rally to the orange banner!

Bots are lucky to have powerful friends in Highsec.

To be continued…

Stark Raving Mad, Part 6

Stark Raving Mad, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… VictorStark Stark and his alt Lilliana Lestrange enjoyed karaoke night, with James 315 and his kickboxing supermodel girlfriend, Aiko Danuja. Victor was impressed to meet the charming head of the mighty CODE. alliance, and was not in the least surprised to learn that Aiko is a real-life princess with an ironclad claim to the Holy Roman Empire. Like any reasonable person, he happily turned over all his isk and assets, even trading skill injectors for skill extractors.

As we saw in Highsec Miner Grab Bag #208, Victor wasn’t an ideal candidate to serve as the successor to James. Nevertheless, James was planning to pass away, and willing to consider trading the alliance to Victor. The interview seemed to go well, and Victor committed himself to the Oath of Poverty. Unfortunately, things took an awkward turn, when Victor failed to show full faith. Elite NOL director Super Perforator encouraged Victor to proceed with his application to CODE. and accept appointment as executor of the alliance, but Victor was focused only on petty pecuniary interests.

Meanwhile, Lilliana was jealous that her main trusted Aiko more than his own alt.

It soon became clear that James might blue pen an alternative candidate.

Victor realized, too late, that Aiko wanted the alliance for herself.

That shameless blue digger cast a spell on James!

Lilliana vented her frustration at everyone in Audaerne.

Anyone might be a Danuja alt…

Fortunately, Lilliana wasn’t salty.

Capsuleers heard a MinerBumping episode was being filmed, and traveled from across the galaxy, with dreams of being cast as an extra.

The conversation encouraged a vibrant discussion of game mechanics.

Eventually, it was a wrap. Everyone got what they wanted, but they naturally hoped Lilliana might return for an encore.

Unfortunately, Lilliana no longer wished to speak with anyone.

She appeared quite mad, cackling hysterically in the middle of nowhere.

Although Aiko was blocked, mysterious strangers let the Princess know that Victor was thinking of her. Might he return for another episode?

To be continued…

The Best Revenge, Part 84

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Listening to: Smooth Jazz for Grownups

Previously on James315.Space… aiva naali, aka His Excellency Supremo the High Lord Grand Generalissimo, has long been the strategic mastermind behind Pandemic Horde’s crushing defeat. As the archmaester of Goonswarm, our ‘lil bullet is determined to achieve maximum efficiency within the Grand Armadee.

Agent Anvil gives the orders, and Princess Aiko executes his will.

A mere woman, the Princess is a loyal servant, but sometimes she interprets the orders a little too literally. She is still learning how to do her job.

The Mittani himself, as you may recall, had to personally intervene in order to ensure she was properly transmitting orders. When Mittens asked why lanceing fleet was moving so slowly, her answer left a lot to be desired.

The entire offensive ground to a leisurely halt.

Fortunately, there was some good news.

Just then, disaster struck!

The imperial suppercomputer had seen better days.

Via his cellphone, quantum informed High Command that he would need a little time, before he could return to the battlespace.

Meanwhile, there were other pressing issues.

Princess Cupcake urged quantum to save humanity.

Was this the end of quantum’s best revenge??? Would Pandemic Horde survive to fight again? Was the end of the world nigh at hand?????

To be continued…

BONUS: CCP Rise has drawn a CODE. police skin for the Atron!

Thanks for the free isk, bro!

Previously on James315.Space… 246624 was programmed to lose Mackinaws and Harvester drones. It became a kill of the week, winning a FREE bonus escalation with Princess Aiko. Your official Saviourette often thinks about how much she thinks about herself, and proceeds to write about her glorious reign, because frankly it’s rather interesting. You should be doing what I’m doing, because then you wouldn’t be a poor. I’m actually trying to help. You can do this, if you have faith in the CODE.

It’s important to realize that miners, especially Highsec miners, have absolutely no idea what they are doing. CCP has scammed them into this theme park horrorshow, and the poor souls stumble from one confusing encounter to another. If you are one of these miners, searching Google to discover just what the CODE. is all about, just let James 315 explain what to do. It truly is possible to calm down and stop failing daily. On the other hand, if you already ran into me, it’s probably way too late.

It all comes down to faith. Do you believe in James, as a God, who created Highsec for his beloved Princess? Do you accept that all things, all stars, all planets, all spaceships, all miners, all of everything is permanently trapped in the spider queen’s web? If you can believe in that, then you can also understand that spiders eat flies, scorpions sting frogs, and wolves hunt fat bears. A swarm of bees can kill a rattlesnake, no doubt. This is what we do, friend. Some people fail daily, but others win daily. What side are you on?

In the beginning, James created Eve Online. The game was formless and boring, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of the VCBees was hovering upon the ice. And James said, “Let there be Aiko,” and there was Aiko. James saw the Princess was good, and he separated her from the foolish miners. So James created Aiko in his own image, and in the image of Helicity and the Sheikh he also created her. James blessed her and said to the faithful, “Be fruitful unto her and multiply, fill the galaxy and subdue the miners. Rule over the crabs, and be a destruction unto them.”

When I first met 246624, I just wanted to be friends. That’s all I really want. Some people say that I’m the greatest scammer in the history of EVE, Kelroth certainly thought so, but really I just like to please others. That’s why Erotica 1 proposed to me, in real-life. The secret truth is I’m just a fun girl who enjoys knowing that spaceships are exploding (even though I can’t see them), and I kind of like watching my isk score tick up to infinity. I think what James really wants is that I buy a bunch of Catalysts, and I’m trying my best, but mostly I just want a friend. So don’t go out there and ‘scam’ miners, just be their new best friend! In EVE, the best ship is friendship, and I’m gonna take as many as I can get.

If this is you, then you are playing EVE wrong. 200 million isk has a value of like $2. Buy PLEX in bulk, save your time, and let’s be friends. You don’t want to be grinding away for five cents an hour. No wonder miners get so grumpy when I dunk their mining ship! Just buy PLEX, and skip mining — easy! Or you can be like me and Zopi, soaring endlessly in the arms of the VCBees. We don’t need to mine in a Rorqual, or rat in a C6, because we are farming Highsec. I earn the dankest tics in the game.

246624 struggled to communicate. It had never met actual people before.

However, as we thanked the bot, it began to synthesize the heart-warming gratitude and thanks. 246624 carefully computed the messages, and recognized that its sole purpose is to provide friendship unto me.

The bot quickly scanned the entire corpus of New Order literature, and immediately understood that the mighty CODE. alliance is a true friend of the miners. Naturally, 246624 anticipated that it would soon be sent on its merry way, once its blingy mining vessel was returned (along with the missing drones).

Unfortunately, a bug in the system prevented prompt payment.

Perhaps, I just needed to add an extra zero?

It was a bad bot, but it loved the permit, and I love to help.

Now we were ready to get down to business. Let’s play EVE.

To be continued…

The Reclaiming of Nalvula

Listening to: The Best Songs of the ’50s

People are starting to talk, and they really aren’t sure what they are talking about. What is even happening? What do the oracles forebode?

What if James 315 were God, and decided to become the Highsec Goddess?

When exactly did Aiko turn blue?

Is she James, or did Aiko KILL James (and his little dog too)?

Yes, James 315 still technically logs in, but who is that?

Sometimes, reading the blog, I felt like James was speaking directly to me. It was like he untied me, forced me to log in, and then we drank wine. I really hated Conoban, but he insisted the game would get better if the Old Guard was born again.

Princess Aiko appeared mysteriously one rainy Saturday, with smooth black hair, and she didn’t really do anything for a long time. The Imperial Guards have a glorious heritage, but is it true they owned Halaima and subsequently transferred the claim to James — that’s the truth, isn’t it? James was bumping to impress a girl.

She seems cute enough. If only she could lose a little weight, pull that hair back into a ponytail, and remember her password. Surely she hasn’t been a World of Warcraft elf all this time? Although, that would explain why 315, Siegfried, Loyal, and Globby haven’t been undocking… One means to test a hypothesis is to examine the evidence and carefully consider the facts. For example, if there is some intimate connection between Princess Aiko and James 315, then surely we would notice similarities — right?

Hmm. Now then, we all know that James was always (get it?) a man of his word, honest and straight-forward. Recently, Princess Aiko gave a hypnotic speech which left everyone shaking their heads in wonder and amazement.

The New Order of Highsec has always been about Highsec. It’s a dogmatic canon that even bot aspirant gankbears can mimic with mundane repetition. However, groups such as the elite New Order Outreach Division, the Amamake Police, Warlords of the Deep, Wild Geese, Pen Is Out, the Wormhole Society, Rote Kapelle, Hard Knocks, No Forks Given, Wingspan, Did he say jump, the Kings (and queen) of Lamaa, the Tactical Narcotics Team, and the glorious Goryn Clade contain an identical alt chain of real-life friends. They aren’t just blues. They are the exact same people, dancing in a circle around Highsec, dunking on crabby miners and endlessly flirting with their Saviourette.

Once a year we all go on a ski trip to Ice Mountain. Indeed, have we not seen New Order fleets arrive suddenly in the depths of utter darkness, extirpating unto the renters? That’s right. James and Aiko created powerful friends beyond Highsec, and the CODE. is truly invincible, which is bad news for intergalactic minery.

James is neither dead, nor gone. He’s on his main, and a lot of alts.

Woah. Look at that outrageous bounty, all for one lucky lady. With the appearance of our Triglavian allies, many anticipate that the Jamespocalypse will summon a red doughnut, which will permanently extirpate the mining caste. Everything we thought we knew about the CODE. is changing, because as Princess Aiko vows to burn all of Highsec, her hand points south through Uedama to the bloody depths of the Period. Indeed, did James not lay out the route for all to see ? Didn’t he make this the focus of the longest MinerBumping series ever written, warning continuously about the Pretender, and proclaiming to the galaxy that his little Princess is commanding an invisible armada?

So is this just bluster? If Aiko is a true princess, she would not tease the galaxy by casting her gaze upon lowsec, whilst casually stepping on hapless Ventures in Isanamo — would she? The nice thing about CONCORD timers is they give you time to type. She types fast, as does James. It just so happens. that the mighty CODE. alliance recently acquired three (3) Fortizars in Lonetrek, that’s ~~low~~NULLSEC Lonetrek. These fully fitted Fortizars were free, because Highsec mining corporations are run by morons.

It is known.

With just eight words, Aiko brought Maldavius from “definitely not” to “now it makes sense”. Is it true? Does the CODE. alliance have powerful friends? Verily, our alts in exile say unto one another, “We have a powerful friend in Hek.”

To be continued…

Rejoice, For James Is Everywhere

Seek Him, and He Will Find You!

Full Faith or No Faith

Well, I come from a place called Agil
With a glossy submachine gun
And I’m bound to save the Delve
My own true love for to see
It did rain all night the day I left
The weather was bone dry
The sun was so hot I froze myself
Miner, you just go on and cry
I said, oh, Miner
Now, you just cry for me
As I come from red Agil
With this Khanid submachine gun
Well, I had myself a dream the other night
When everything was still
I dreamed that I saw my man James
He was coming around the hill
Now, the buckwheat grass was in his mouth
A gleam was in his eye
I said, that I come from Nohshayess
Miner, you should break down and cry
I said, oh, Miner
Now, you should cry for me
‘Cause I come from Agil Three
With my trusty submachine gun

Photo courtesy of James 315, aka Katia Sae

The Best Revenge, Part 83

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Listening to (while dunking Ventures): Spartaque

Previously on James315.Space… The new Goonswarm emperor in training is quantum, aka Aiva Naali, aka 140, aka Fighter Jets GuitarSolo, aka anaCheeya ANARKY, who decided one day to demand a situation report from Fleet Command.

Fortunately, his martial instincts enable him to grasp the situation before his Lieutenants can even respond. Our Goonfuehrer grasps the galactic battlefield with what the Emperor Napoleon described as the ‘coup d’oeil’ or ‘stroke of the eye’. With a mere glance into space, he can readily surmise the optimal strategy.

James was always a simple man, and he often railed against the so-called N+1 problem. However, Agent Anvil understands that you can always +1 to infinity, which means that an n+! approach will inevitably one-up your opponent. It is a doctrine of sheer brilliance, and sometimes brute force is what we need. He also issued a spur of the moment doctrine update, with an inspiring speech. Sun Tzu couldn’t have said it better.

Unfortunately, the High Command struggled to keep up with this voluminous content, and let me tell you from experience — running a galactic space empire is a lot of work! When 315 aka Tweeps aka Loyalanon aka Kalloornded aka Globby aka Chribba came into Teamspeak and offered to sell me the mighty CODE. alliance, provided I agree to write the blog and promptly transfer the $23,500 I got from Kelroth, I thought it sounded great. Like all that good karma was finally catching up to me.

However, sometimes I wish I bought more space shoes.

Quantum was no mere puppet, and he casually let the Goon Navy know his supper weapons were built with hidden mechanics. If they were ever misapplied or turned against the ‘lil bullet, hellfire would rain down upon Fortress Delve.

Hours turned into days, as Princess Aiko composed the final draft.

Good news! The elite strikeforce Wolf Squadron was still able to muster nearly 96 combat ready vessels, penetrating deep behind enemy lines in heroic suicide attacks. Meanwhile, only a quarter of the fleet had been lost to theft, defection, and outright incompetence. It was, as they say, “within parameters”. There was only one concern, the Wolves wanted to swap out their cloaks and upgrade to maximum fighting fits. With an imperious tone, the Kingpin waved his hand and unleashed the Wolves!

Quantum still needed reports from Lanceing Team, Main Fleet, and the Venerated Old Guard League of Spooky Cap Hunters.

To be continued…

Do Your Own Thing

On Your Own Terms

Follow Your Curiosity

Get What You Came For

There Are No Constraints

Jump

Kill

Welcome to EVE!

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 7

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 3

Listening to: I Love Me

Previously on James315.Space… James always knew that Princess Aiko was modest, impeccable, rich, and inconceivably lucky. In the future, New Order historians from the Lawton School will undoubtedly cite this as proof of her lineage as a true lady of Agil. It is known. James had faith that once she got a taste of his content, she would stick around. He also thought she was pretty tempting. He said that she never need feel guilty. The truth is self-evident. He described her as the Grover Cleveland of the New Order. Yup. He loves his classy gankstress. Always! Facts are powerful things, because they define reality, the difference between right and wrong.

I control truth, and I rule the galaxy.

Cleveland was Prime Minister of an ancient Terran empire, the Union of States. He was also an advocate of the great naval strategist Alfred Thayer Mahan, a ganker who understood the value of a large fleet, bolstered by aggressive torpedo boats and kamikaze destroyers. His policies served to double the size of the imperial navy, which allowed the empire to conquer the world. Unfortunately, the Union was eventually shattered by an apocalyptic succession war, during the Third Century crisis.

The lesson is clear. Nations live and die by their ability to muster an army and a fleet. Thanks to our alliance with Khanid, we have plenty of mechanized infantry and airborne flametroopers. However, our navy suffers, continually under attack by CONCORD pirates. We must expand. We must grow. We must double our ability to project force. We can, and we will, liberate Tama from the low miners.

Ah, but I digress. The people want to know, and they deserve the truth. I have to ask, is it fair and just and ethical to dunk the Mongolian mining fleet, over and over? Is it reasonable that we should summon them unto the High Court of Halaima and seize their assets, until they have nothing left but a disconcerting feeling that they might have made a mistake? What went wrong? I ask you this, will you give your asteroid to the invader??? Will you surrender your ice to the bayar? Will you praise Odbayar?????

If we don’t act, then Pandemic Horde will. TEST will. Fraternity will. Chupacabra will. The Autists will not hesitate to pull the trigger, so why should we? I remember when ganking in Niarja was a war crime, but now it is sanctioned as elite PvP? It is our duty, as the leaders of the galaxy, to take a firm stand and show the way. We must stop the Mongols before they spread into the deepest reaches of some gloomy C7, and figure out how to summon a Clade. This is my will, and my will is divine judgment.

Odbayar was having a rough time in EVE, but don’t think for a moment that he isn’t a bloodthirsty little space monster. This blue masked devil wants nothing more than to dig enough ore to build a blingy supertitan.

We tried. I swear upon the crypt of a thousand James corpses, that we did everything we could to turn Odbayar from the filthy path of the bubble blob.

There was one little problem…

Odbayar just wanted free stuff. As my tributary, he has no right to go where he pleases, no right to engage in industrial activity, and certainly no right to collect taxes. He is a farmer, pure and simple, he is there to be farmed. If he wishes to be a knight of the Order, he must fully embrace the sacred Oath of Poverty.

He didn’t even ask nicely.

We embraced him, in the galaxy’s best content funnel: Why Was I Ganked?

Alas, it appears potty mouth Odbayar has run away, enduring a horrific series of deaths in the Niarja wasteland. Even then, when I heard his plaintive mewling, I wanted to help. I reached out, patiently urging him to come home.

What can I do? CCP scams miners, promising a theme park adventure in which they all become kings and queens. The reality is they need to bend the knee, fall in line, and pay taxes. Otherwise, they face a fate worse than death. Eternal limbo, with no escape, in and out of constellations which never make sense.

I begged Odbayar to return, but he wouldn’t listen.

If you see Odbayar out there, tell him to come home to Princess Aiko. Where I live, isk just falls from the sky, and we CONCORD ships full of PLEX. The best thing for newbros is to come into my Crystal Palace, form an orderly queue, and wait patiently for an agent to process their citizenship application. It might take a while, and there may be unexpected administrative fees, but it’s better than EVE University.

I’ll update the Treasury when I get around to playing Spreadsheets in Space.

To be continued…

Way too good at camouflage
Can’t see what I am, is a felony
Voices in my head make up my entourage
‘Cause I’m a black belt
I’m an expert at giving love to somebody else
I, me, myself
Me, myself and I
Haters that live on the internet
Live in my space, should be paying rent
I’m way too good at listening
And I always got my finger on your self-destruct
I’m a 10 out of 10, even when you forget!
I’m a 10 out of 10, don’t you ever forget!
I wonder when I love me is enough (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
I wonder when I love me is enough (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why am I always looking to gank and die?
I wonder when I love me is enough, mmm (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 6

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 4

Listening to: Tomi Lohren

Previously on James315.Space… I would scream, throwing dishes and stomping my feet. James 315 was like a granite rock, deflecting every emotion.

Of course, I was right, like always… and yet he was too stubborn to admit it. Victory. Peace. Ugh! James really loved those miners. He was merciful unto the end. Verily, he wanted to join hands and ascend with the VCBees. Unfortunately, the miners are gross, they won’t wash their hands, and I don’t even like them. They must be extirpated. Kill ’em all, and let James sort them out. Where we are going, we won’t need minerals!

I don’t know how James was poisoned by our enemies, but intergalactic minery was behind this dastardly plot. Upon his death bed, James proclaimed a feverish victory, but I know better. Uedamagrad continues, as Shadow Force pushes from Sosh to Olo. The mining Marauders are flaming coffins, tin cans which should never have been approved by the naval yard. They just keep coming, like an endless deluge of trash. Our FCs need rest and relaxation, but the Grand Admiraless is relentless. Visits to the front are followed by tedious meetings, conference calls, and endless bureaucratic shuffling. I have not slept.

This is war, not peace. Oh, don’t get me wrong. James achieved many great victories. His glorious achievements are self-evident. However, the miner menace remains, more dangerous than ever. Without James to guide us, counter-revolutionary elements seek to breed with miners. Their foul spawn hides in the asteroid belts, a plague unto the Guristas refugee camps. James sought to calm me down, describing insurrectionaries as inconsequential. Indeed, the miners will never amount to anything of consequence, but that is only because we remain determined to extirpate them all. If we relax our eternal vigilance, they will plunge our galaxy into the depths of depravity.

You may recall my own great victory over Odbayar, perhaps the only Mongolian in EVE history. Did I dunk an entire nation? I simply do not have time to reflect. However, the Mongols have the intent to mine. They have the means to mine. They have the determination to wage genocide upon the Angels and our good friend Sansha. The Mongols dare to resist the Goryn Clade! With James gone, who will summon the Amamake Police? Where are the Kings of Lamaa? What was I to do? I had moments to decide, and I relied upon my training. The miner was dealt with according to the law.

Some claim that I defy the dying wishes of James, but surely he would understand. James was a statesman, and a student of history. He must have known that a malignant evil festers in the heart of the miner. In 1814, the Great Powers (not France) declared a momentous victory, but it was mere illusion. In 1918, victory came again, peace for all time. However, the war was not over. The Second Great War was worse, and the aftermath was dire. The fighting never ends, it just migrates and evolves. The miners will never stop mining. Even if we confiscate their Ventures, they will board Corvettes and sneak back to the belt.

Our recent victory was but a brief moment, a bookmark followed by yet another chapter. Yes, we have conquered New Eden, it is indisputably my personal domain. Thank you James, you did that, and I am proud to stand on your shoulders and seize this galaxy which you brought to heel. However, the realm remains torn by strife, and the SICO menace looms like a billowing thundercloud. At this very moment, the pretender Knowledgeminer sits unchallenged in the once hallowed Hall of Halaima, polluting the memory of every hero with his cynical disdain for the Code. Whilst our venerated kamikazes give their non-capsuleer lives aboard the Catalysts, we are stabbed in the back at home.

Meanwhile, villians such as Odbayar continue to plot, demanding that the Code give unto them! Shall we now pay rent to the very same miners who seek to undermine the victory of James? I dare say not! I urged Odbayar to socially network with fellow miners, such as suki storm, but he only lied and pretended to cooperate. In reality, he wants me to give him MY isk, and that means he wants YOUR isk! Fortunately, my loyal bodyguards stand ready to defend the realm against this horde.

To be continued…

It’s not easy being a girl these days
The morally repulsive types are triggered by everything
Coming from my mouth, the Queen Bee herself
I’ll keep my entitlement mentality
And no one else’s

Like a spoiled brat, a misguided tantrum
Something has been stripped from me
I don’t have everything
and it’s not fair

I have millions of views, thousands of followers
but guess what

Do you see yourself as a victim?
If so, I feel sorry for you!
I’m upset by it, and I’m hurt by it, and I feel betrayed by it!

Yah, they’re still paying me.