Category: Sales

Apples in the Orchard, Part 4

Apples in the Orchard, Part 1

Previously on James 315.Space… Gripen ANM was a vegetable, fruit, or other such consumable object. This loot pinata dropped his Orca, several drones, an interceptor, some random spaceship, a frigate, and a pod full of illegal implants. TheInternet TweepsOnline TheInternet thus declared a harvest festival.

While they waited for teleport to my Crystal Palace, Tweeps and Gripen enjoyed a polite chat. Contrary to allegations, the mighty CODE. alliance is polite and professional, routinely purging itself of space bullies and griefer bots.

Finally, Gripen was ushered into the lofty chambers of our Space Princess, and her loyal advisors Rabid Raccoon and Salty Tortoise. In a state of nature, it is important to blend in with your environment. Indeed, our heroes were fittingly attired in the drab greys and browns of eternal victory, while Gripen stood out like a shiny apple.


Over the past decade, a lot of people have wondered about the key to our success. How did a Highsec alliance with no industrial or mining division manage to become the most powerful organization in New Eden? Was it the venerated blog, the dank Venture hunting contests, or the dusty MinerBumping channel? All these elements played a role, but the secret ingredient is elite voice PvP. Inevitably, miners begin singing joyfully and praising Princess Olga’s punishment of the naughty Drevlians, whilst smearing peanut butter and mayonnaise across their nude face. They thus learn to have full faith in the process, and voluntarily move all assets to our tropical resort in northwestern Guyana.

After a quick API security scan, it was revealed that Gripen attempted to join Goonswarm, but was rejected by Karmafleet’s Pari Shana. Pari missed her chance to win, but my elite CODE. agents knew exactly how to proceed. Gripen was delighted to learn that I have an alt in GoonWaffe, who would be happy to reverse Pari’s hasty decision. No problem friend! Let’s start moving your stuff to Jamestown!

Some people claim that we are space vampires, who psychologically torment and humiliate miners, laughing gleefully as they cry in despair. The reality is we simply want to eat. Why would we taunt a mere apple?

To be continued…

The Best Revenge, Part 81

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Elite naval strategist Aiva Naali, aka ‘The Supper computer’, aka ‘anaCheeya ANARKY’, aka ‘140 Big Girth’, aka ‘quantum’, aka ‘Agent Anvil’, aka ‘lil Bullet’, was determined to crush Pandemic Horde, directing the Imperium to rain down upon them like a swarm of angry bees. However, war is hell, and that means taxes and line item expenses. Aiva vowed to purchase his seat on the War Council, and was pleased by the presentation of an official billing statement.

Before James 315 passed on, after sipping from that fateful cup of wine which I poured unto him, he begged me to ensure that the full story would be told. An entire galaxy has been torn by the Great War of Aiva, and many wish to hear the inspiring tale of a Highsec miner’s rise to absolute Ascendancy. I am most pleased to continue this narrative, referring you now to a Discord channel known to OnlyFans as Aiko’s Pleasure Palace. It was here that quantum vowed to do everything necessary to defeat Pandemic Horde.

For every problem, there is always a solution, always!

For now, the crucial issue was that lapsed payments automatically triggered a series of routine budget cuts, and late fees would have to be paid promptly to ensure that quantum’s official Goonswarm Director of War Council and Imperial Naval Office of Scientific Research and Applied Development campaign could proceed.

Not surprisingly, Agent Anvil wanted to succeed, but his friends were busy with their own political campaigns. Everything depended upon ensuring that the right people were placed into key positions across the Galactic Council, whilst enemies of the state were sidelined. In particular, the shareholders would soon be electing the next Saviour or Saviourette of Highsec, and the stakes couldn’t possibly be higher!


Although quantum’s campaign staff feared the growing power of Dolphin Don, a xenophobic anti-furfan, quantum reassured everyone that the Mittani would intervene and ensure that the good guys were victorious.


With a powerful friend like the Mittani, quantum was sure to win, provided he could continue with his payments to the Election Fund.

To be continued…

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 5

Previously on James315.Space… Newbro Odbayar bought another mining permit, and was excited to meet isk doublers, treblers, and quintuplers. Some jellybears don’t have charisma, calling us Space Bullies, but we are professional helpers. 

Aiko Danuja > Odbayar you need to send 30 million to Butter Button
Odbayar > Aiko Danuja you send me 30M isk ?
Aiko Danuja > you send to him, then i send u 60 million

Odbayar > wow


The old saying rings true. One man’s everything is my new garbage. Oldbayar doubled down on his initial investment, and then he doubled down again. 
=

 

Would Oldbayar ever finish paying for his crimes?

Even the illegal ore was returned.

As Odbayar took the oath of poverty, he began to finally feel free.

He now understood what true friendship was all about.

He was also learning a valuable lesson.

At that very moment, Odbayar won big on the Hypernet raffle lottery!

Everyone was cheering for the little guy.

Meanwhile, Odbayar continued to pull random objects out of his hangar.

He was a big believer in giving everything to the New Order.

We encouraged Odbayar to think big.

Unfortunately, Odbayar began to have doubts.

What was wrong?

Odbayar felt we owed him more than a free ganking Catalyst.

Once a miner, always a miner…

Odbayar waited patiently, while Princess Aiko went to important meetings.

Would Odbayar ever get his new rorqual?

Not today friend!

To be continued…

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 4

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Odbayar was delighted to learn that mining permits are just 30 million isk, and every purchase qualifies for instant doubling. He wanted to get rich quick, greedily applying for liberal handouts.



Whadda Badasaz was generous, offering to quadruple Odbayar’s isk. Even better, if Odbayar signed up today, he would qualify for an extra BONUS.


Agents of the New Order are always eager to help newbros, and began patiently explaining how to create an official business contract.

Odbayar began voluntarily transferring his assets.


Many EVE players would let Odbayar dwell in isolation, without content, but our CODE. agents encouraged Odbayar to develop his own story.

Odbayar was happy to finally be playing EVE.

Odbayar originally claimed that he only had one ship, but this was revealed to be a rotten lie. He was trying to scam our elite agents, pretending to have nothing left, and yet he always managed to pull one more item out of his hangar. As Sun Tzu famously wrote, “You can squeeze water from a rock, if you squeeze gently.”



Odbayar explored his inventory, and was amazed to find forgotten items. Fortunately, Princess Aiko was willing to liquidate everything.

 

To be continued…

BONUS: Blake McAllister of New Order Mining Authority has produced this poster, perfect for your bedroom wall.

 

 

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 3

Previously on James315.Space… Hyperlife was eager to buy his permit, and donate billions of isk to support the New Order. Getting ganked was a real gamechanger for him, and he was eager to stop mining. Let’s now examine another sort of miner, the unrepentant newbro. Little Odbayar hails from Mongolia, but soon found himself stealing ore in Highsec. As you might imagine, he found himself in quite a bit of legal trouble.

At some point, Odbayar was convinced to purchase a permit, but became dismayed when the license was revoked. Unfortunately, bot aspirancy is a violation of the End User License Agreement, as defined by the New Halaima Code of Conduct.


As part of the Pangalactic Ganking Amnesty Agreement, negotiated amidst a derecho on Agil-III, the official leadership of the New Order and the ranking shareholders of the realm have agreed to support a combined grand offensive against Highsec miners. It was thus that Odbayar found himself  confronted not only by the mighty CODE. alliance, but also by our friends in Pandemic Horde. Subsequently, I was touring the official CODE. museum, when I found poor Odbayar crying to an empty channel. I could see he was desperately attempting to find someone who would sell him a new permit, and took it upon myself to invite this little fellow to a more active channel: Why Was I Ganked? 

This was not Odbayar’s first time in prison, and he knew the routine, dutifully presenting his latest killmail for an official inspection.

After examining the evidence, I summoned Butter Button to collect rent.

Odbayar briefly malfunctioned, but was easily rebooted.


Like most newbros, Odbayar appreciated our help.

Butter Button was especially impressed by the professionalism of Princess Aiko, the Sword of Restoration. The New Order once again demonstrated that it was not only the master of Highsec, but Nullsec as well.

Odbayar was happy, and Butter was also satisfied.

Everyone was content, but could Odbayar negotiate an even better deal?

To be continued…
 

 

 

Todesfälle der Woche

ANNOUNCEMENT: Hallo Freunde. A lot of people have been wondering where to send their isk, plex, and moon goo. Now that James 315 is dead, several times over, it can be hard to know how to invest. You can naturally send your stuff to his old account, and that’s cool, like how the Wiking used to send gold and silver to Valhöll. I am sure James would appreciate your full faith. However, you might want to just send it all to her ladyship, Aiko Danuja. That’s right! It would really simplify the accounting.

Before you stop being calm, just think about this carefully. If your Ouija board is handy, you can easily ask James whether you should send me all your stuff, and I’m sure he will respond with a succint statement like “Sounds reasonable.” If he is feeling especially informative, he might even explain that I’ve been managing the Halaima MinerBumping IPO since he died back in 2018, and that’s just a fact friendo. Didn’t you know???

Did you really think this was satire? Really?????

***

Ohne weiteres, here are some Bären that got dunked between August 2nd @ 00:00 EVEtime through August 8th @ 23:59 EVEtime.

***

James 315 commanded us to “respect” the mighty Jihadswarm. One Venture ganker claimed that multiboxers are “cheaters”, and I advised him to biomass his alpha account, because Justin Kusion, Patricia Parra, Karl Friedrich Fizzleblade, Charlie Jacobson, and Bob Mechanic are my omega friends. In fact, as Kusion reminded everyone last night, I’ve known him since before the sex change.

***

Some bots doubt that CODE. is the most powerful alliance in the galaxy, but they fail to realize that both Pandemic Horde and Goonswarm have sworn fealty to James 315, and his successor (that’s me). While plebian peasants bicker, knights of the realm focus upon what matters: burning wicked miners. I therefore offer my affections to Pranav Singh, The Highsec Goddess, and The Highsec Goddess’ Necromancer.

I know some cynical fools are thinking, it’s just some random coincidence that Pandemic Horde ganked a porpoise, which has nothing to do with me or the CODE. I don’t know what to say, but this same miner lost a Nestor just an hour earlier. Hmm. It’s not like the most elite gankers all sit in comms together. Right?

***

Highsec miners hide a lot of contraband, and it may appear to be just random luck, when we find their stash . However, we don’t just control Isanamo and Uedama… we also control Jita and Amarr! Miners are notoriously bad at business, and it’s actually CODE. which has all the elite market tycoons. Zopiclone and Never Gonna SeeGrandKids knew exactly where to find the evidence. Just say no to mining!

***

wotan vallvater defied the laws of space and time, combining reinforced bulkheads with expanded cargoholds, thereby creating an impossibly dense glob of goblok. When CODE. agents investigated this anomaly, they traveled into next week and dunked on wotan’s entire mining fleet. Congrats to the Old Guard, led by Aiko Danuja, Alt 00, AGBee 513, and Rafa Quinterro. This was the third time that wotan lost a mining fleet, and we can only hope he finally decides to purchase a permit. Wotan, if you ever read this website, I hope you can spot the hint (and send me your stuff in a slightly more efficient manner).

***

Taking advantage of the temporal anomaly, His Australian Excellence returned from the dead and traveled further into the future, blasting an illegal Chinese smuggler. Wu Hu forgot to flee into deep space, where he belongs, and his pod was lawfully confiscated. Remember miners, the High-grade Amulet Omega “does nothing in and of itself.”

***

Meanwhile,  in another timeline , mat Otsito found an even blingier pod hiding inside a retriever. The Mid-grade Harvest Omega is also trash.

Apples in the Orchard, Part 3

Apples in the Orchard, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Highsec miner Gripen ANM lost his Orca, and his drones. Inside the confiscated vessel, agents of the mighty CODE. alliance found an illegally modified Stiletto, which could only be piloted by a bot aspirant with an illegally modified brain. Gripen returned in an illegal Condor, which suffered a fatal malfunction, exploding in a brilliant flash of light. Could Gripen trust the most loyal agents of James 315?

Gripen hesitated to return for a thorough pod inspection, but CODE. hero TheInternet TweepsOnline TheInternet solemnly promised that Gripen would be featured on an award-winning blog. Now that sounds legit!

Gripen arrived for his inspection, demanding the interceptor. However, access was restricted to citizens, and greedy Gripen finally purchased a mining permit. This was great news, as Kalorned alts Keraina and Kiberra were cleared for takeoff. Kalorned wanted to thoroughly examine that pod, dispatching not one but TWO minions.

Gripen was thus vaporized by multifrequency neutrons. 

 


Gripen was hemorrhaging isk, and sharks could smell blood in the water. Normally, at this point, even the most oblivious miners would suspect something amiss. However, Gripen continued to splash around, and spooky people began whispering his name in a mysterious palace known only as Crystal Castle IV-3. Meanwhile, the population of AAAAAYYYYY LMAO was steadily increasing.

 

Fool you once, shame on you. Fool you twice, shame on you. Fool you thrice, how is this even happening? Gripen accepted an apology for the zealous K-names, and brought his pod back. This time, nobody bothered to shoot him. Instead, Gripen was merely allowed to examine the Stiletto, and verify that he definitely wasn’t getting it back. Never ever.

Tweeps was starting to feel a little bad for Gripen, and wanted to make things right.


When you need to give a sincere apology, always do it in comms. Always!

To be continued…

 

The Best Revenge, Part 80

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously, on James315.Space… Ancient prophecies came true, despite vain protestations from the faithless, and Aiva Naali (aka ‘quantum’) decided it was time to get the band back together. As our ‘lil bullet once again sets course toward Chicago Nullsec, we now continue with the rest of the story, as James 315 always intended.

There was only one problem. Just as the mighty CODE. alliance cannot achieve success through fantasy roleplay, neither could quantum conquer the real-life galaxy by raiding the laundromat and an adjacent junkyard. Miners can never hope to become stone cold spacelords, at least not without a little help from their magical friends. As the session’s designated gamemaster, Kalorned described the scene. When our powerful warlord checked his state correspondence, he noticed a bill from the War Council’s Official Financial Group. That’s right, it’s official, and that’s a big deal!

 

It’s easy to dream about building a space republic, just as James 315 once sat in Arvasaras, plotting his fateful course toward Halaima. Quantum knew the direction he wanted to go, but could he afford the butcher’s bill? Indeed, it had been some time since Agent Anvil made a payment, and Goonswarm Logistics was growing impatient.

Like any chief executive officer, Quantum gave the statement a cursory glance…

When you took the sum total which Quantum already paid, exclusive of funds diverted for private luxuries (such as rorquals, mining titans, vanity nyxes, personal hauling service, or ethical skillpoint doubling) and adjusted for various sundry fees and surcharges, it was clear that Quantum owed 20 billion isk (OEIP, or equivalent in PLEX). If he did not pay immediately, late fees would continue to compound, and his War Council Director’s campaign would face a potentially irrecoverable setback. Fortunately, there was some good news. If Quantum paid now, he would qualify for rewards!

The financial statement came with a special message from MiniMed…

Quantum read every word of the memo, nodding with concern at the gravity of a global pandemic. This was no laughing matter!

Aiva didn’t need to write James and beg for guidance. He knew what to do.

To be continued…

 

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 2

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Kexis azaria was thrilled to purchase a mining permit, and had no objection whatsoever to paying more than 10 million isk. This is normal, as most miners yearn to escape their coffins.

After losing her worthless salvage junket, hyperlife wasn’t sure what to do. Princess Aiko decided it was time to teach the miner a few facts of life.

Hyperlife denied the very tenets of reality. Would it be possible to save her?

It appeared the permit sale was at an impasse. If a miner is ‘not’ a miner, then why would they need a mining permit? Indeed, hyperlife was convinced that her bright red killboard is proof of a warrior heritage.

There was a brief pause, as Aiko ganked another miner. Meanwhile, hyperlife waited patiently, eager to resume their conversation.

Hyperlife didn’t want that barge anyways, and now she was even more dissatisfied, holed up in some station with no spaceship. The official alliance channel (Why Was I Ganked?) became her sole means of gameplay, and hyperlife was beginning to appreciate her new CODE. friends. The negotiation thus began.

Other agents began to notice the hapless miner, and chimed in with helpful comments designed to facilitate full Code compliance.

Hyperlife was now ready to embrace her new future as a loyal citizen of the New Order, agreeing to return the assets she had stolen from James 315, and contract them to random strangers in a chat channel.

As hyperlife explained, CCP had failed to make PvE content engaging or interesting, and she was eager for meaningful PvP content. Although she was getting dunked on, at least she was finally playing EVE.

Personally, I’ve never found this game to be difficult, and my friends also seem to do quite well. We are the most powerful people in the galaxy! Ultimately, the key to our success, is the fact that Highsec miners are lonely.

It was thus that Princess Aiko decided to establish and fund the  Official Holy New Order Treasury , established for the purpose of financing Highsec gankers. In a solemn ceremony, presided over by the petrified corpse of James 315, the Lady Aiko announced that henceforth the OHNO fund would be the official epicenter of CODE. alliance financial arrears. It is her pleasure and privilege to oversee this account, and thereby secure her mechanical control of intergalactic minery. Afterward, to commemorate this auspicious occasion, the Queen Regent dunked another goblok marauder.

You may have heard horrific stories, of the spooky CODE. space bullies, who are mean and cruel and endlessly grief the innocent carebears. However, the story of hyperlife reveals a fundamental truth, and CCP investigators can read and reread the chatlogs to verify this account. Indeed, the miners love their CODE. agents, and they give unto us freely and joyfully, for they know that the CODE. is the only interesting content in EVE Online. At times, it may seem that a miner is upset, or his wife may appear to be having a real-life panic attack. I remember one old twitcher who began gasping for air, clutching at his chest and falling from his chair. These displays may appear genuine, but we know that it is mere roleplay, for the miners love us more than they love themselves (or their own families).

To be continued…

***

BONUS: You may have seen referral links floating about: Recruit a friend and get rewards! Now, carebears might tell you that these are only for new players, but I wanted to get to the bottom of the matter. Therefore, as the official Saviourette of Highec, I contacted my dear friend GM Dahui. Am I allowed to use the referral program to create endless hordes of CODE. ganking alts? Am I allowed to refer myself to EVE Online?

After carefully considering my request, and the full implications of his response, GM Dahui explained that players are indeed allowed to refer themselves. CCP knows that bears don’t have friends, and there hasn’t been a new player since my return in 2018. Indeed, the sole point of these referral programs is to help CCP scam Pearl Abyss, with some meaningless statistics about “new player engagement”. CCP wants every player to get a taste of the bonus room action, and with one million free skill points on the table, there’s never been a better time to biomass your old mining main.

How to Sell a Mining Permit

=OFFICIAL CODE. FTLONCOMMS= 
*AUTHENTICATED*
<Author> James 315
-start-
DEAD FUNERAL 23:00 JULY 23 HALAIMA
-end1/break-

Let’s discuss the process of selling a mining permit, ensuring miners are properly cared for, in accordance with the First Amendment.  Ideally, you want a miner like Kexis Yazaria.

Ganking Alt invited Kexis to the Why Was I Ganked? channel, and explained the law. As always, he avoided any hint of roleplay, and stuck to the facts. Remember, this isn’t D&D.

Unfortunately, Kexis fled the channel, attempting to avoid personal responsibility. For a lot of new gankers, this is frustrating, causing them to believe miners can escape. Let the miner calm down, and give him another opportunity.  Be nice and friendly, never acting like a space bully. This is salesmanship!


Don’t be a betabear. Now that we are victorious, every miner has been given the red pen. Demand 30 million isk, and wield the pink pen, increasing fees to 100 million (or more). We’ve been patient, but victory is complete, and Jamesageddon is upon us.

We implemented increasing financial penalties, and a third agent reminded Kexis that loss is inevitable. You can expect gobloks to hem and haw. However, they can’t help but respect power.

Some weasly miners may attempt to hide. It can be helpful to explain that we have already achieved victory, and there is no escape. We control all of New Eden, along with vast swaths of Minecraft, Farmville, Second Life, DayZ, Runescape, Elite Dangerous, World of Tanks, World of Warcraft, 7 Days to Die, Starcraft, Fortnite, Detroit, and Terraria.

It is helpful for miners to understand that agents will be waiting, no matter where he hides. For example, one miner attempted to flee into PuBG, but I simply linked him an official map. He thus realized that agents are prepared for any illegal farming operations.

After you present the Code of New Halaima, and the consequences of any violation, you can be confident that only a certified aspierant would refuse to submit. By implementing this patented CAPTCHA system, you can do your part to identify farmbots.

To be continued…

***
BONUS: If any miner purchases a mining permit, they will qualify for FREE refining in sunny Isanamo, just two jumps from Jita! Isanamo, the best little mining system in New Eden! If you know a miner, send ’em to Isa!

From: Mahlazia

Just an FYI

You’ve been griefing some rookies in a STARTER system. It is a blatant ToS Eula breach and we are reporting you for it. We are attempting to teach our new players not have them scammed with mining permits or repeatedly ganked.

Cheers.