Category: Grab Bag

Fuck! #2

Fuck! #1

I woke up, admiring my long legs, in a beam of Uedama sunlight. Jason Kusion poured me a nice cool glass of cucumber water, “Hello, beautiful!” Dolphin Don chimed in, “Good morning, Princess.” Krig added, “Hey, baby.” It was the start of another great day, but I wasn’t sure what to put in my awesome award-winning blog. I undocked in my beloved pink Catalyst, which has 3887 killmarks, and reclined in my premium pod goo. Finally, I checked my email, and realized exactly what I want to do.

This is some unknown indecipherable sub-dialect of… Cebuano?

Yes, beautiful Cebuano, the language of Vasaya.

I think I know what he means…

The poor fellow lost a Venture.

Jump. Jump. Jump.

Jump. Jump. Jump.

Primary is the Providence.

 

Shoot on landing.

 

 

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #219

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #1
Highsec Miner Grab Bag #218

Oh boy, I love Grab Bag time.

It’s always fun.

Some miners like animals.

Some bears just don’t care.

They do, but they don’t.

Doblauks know what will happen, and they just accept it. Such miners are like Seligman’s dogs, exposed to prolonged electrical torture, and they will never escape their learned helplessness. They have become NPC bots.

Jean Mira‘s killboard is a museum of CODE. history. I’ve ganked him several times, and just about everybody dunked him.

Ah, the memories…

Some things just never change.

 I’ve always been super popular.

Hi!

I sincerely want to help.

I know what crabs want.

I’m a beautiful woman…

…and a true Princess, fair and just.

I’m also super hot…

…and soo cute.

James loves me so much.

Everybody loves me…

…and I love their attention…

…which they love to give.

 

I totally deserve a trophy, right?

I’m the best!

 

=FAKE NEWS ALERT=

Imperium News recently published a terrible article on ganking. Unfortunately, Jurius Doctor didn’t do his homework. I was there when Jurius watched a Bowhead die. He spoke with the miner, but didn’t talk to us? What a lazy journalist!

“When does griefing go too far and start hurting the livelihood and growth prospects of a game?”

I’m not going to waste time, with a point-by-point rebuttal of this inane article, but the author makes a lot of ignorant claims and erroneous assumptions. Did you know that ganking is just a roleplay outlet for rookie griefers? Did you know that mining permits aren’t necessary? Did you know that Goonswarm is way better at ganking, for some mysterious reason? Did you know that ‘Goonswarm’ has recently been able to muster large fleets, with more than ninety gankers? Jurius clearly has no idea what is going on.

“The reason for this is numbers… GSF is able to field ships in numbers.”

Jurius concludes that Goonswarm should seek to earn isk by ganking, but it’s too easy, so freighters should have twice as many hitpoints!

“Just EHP buff the shit out of haulers, transport vessels, and freighters…”

What a goofus! 

“…so that the markets don’t entirely buckle, while presenting a tougher nut to crack for those who want high-sec PVP.”

I interviewed the big strong alpha males, with whom I have an intimate relationship, and here is what they had to say about Jurius’ article. 

 

Shameless

Listening to: Renegades of Funk

Back when I was just a secretary, I often felt overwhelmed. Everybody wanted to talk with James, and so they would write me. More than one person assumed that I am James, because perhaps James is a beautiful young woman (who just loves killing miners). I don’t know, friend, I suppose it might be true.

What does this mean for the blog? Well, I can’t capture every nuance. The queue of unposted stuff is growing, and I’ll never be able to tell the full story. Regardless, we all know how it ends. The mighty CODE. alliance just keeps winning daily, because there’s absolutely no stopping an invincible juggernaut.

If you are a miner, there’s one thing you should understand.  We are coming to kill you, all of you. If you pay us, right now, we just might indulge your little mining fetish. We could even adopt you, as some kind of cute cuckold pet. However, you have been warned. We won’t tolerate any more excuses. This is not the time for debate, or negotiation. You will surrender and submit, or the New Order will extirpate you.

Carebears lead new players astray. They convince them CODE. is a joke, and James is permabanned, gone off to play World of Warcraft with his hot kickboxing girlfriend. They insist that nobody in CODE. has a clue what we are doing, and we are just docked-up roleplayers who eat paint chips. When a miner learns the hard truth, they are often rather upset, and nothing close to calm.

I’m truly sorry about that, but it’s gonna get even worse for you. If you thought losing a barge was bad, just wait until you get into a bigger ship.

They are notorious liars, and cannot be trusted.

Do not suffer the miner. The only appropriate response is to blast them with neutrons, before they can establish a nest. When I wake up in the morning, and I see little Ventures scurrying about, I do what any self-respecting woman would do. I scream, and then I clean house. For some reason, goofuses seem to like this, believing that they gain some financial benefit from systematic extermination.

I intend to biomass the mining caste. I made this clear in my coronation speech. Some crabs claim they can’t understand, because their speakers are trash, or they are partially deaf, and just can’t hear me over the roaring crowd. Let me explain. I’m not doing this for isk, or roleplay. I’m doing it because miners disgust me.

Gobloks often threaten to overthrow me.

I am not concerned about that. Their pathetic self-preservation addiction is nauseating, but it is hardly a threat unto me.

When I’m done with them, they’ll be begging for James.

There’s no shame in quitting.

I’ll help them all.

No matter how hard you try, you can’t stop us now
We’re the renegades of this time and age
Since the VCBees and the days of Jihadswarm
Right down through the Hulkageddon
New Eden kept going through changes
From a different solar system, many many galaxies away
We are the force of another creation
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Now renegades are the people
They change the course of history
Everyday people like you and me
We’re the renegades, we’re the people
With our own philosophies
We change the course of history
Everyday people like you and me
We’re poppin’, sockin’, rockin’ puttin’ a side of hip-hop
Because where we’re goin’ there ain’t no stoppin’
We’re teachers of the funk
And not of empty popping

 

 

 

 

Big Deal

Listening to: Indestructible

I’m kinda like a big deal.

“You fucked up whore”

“You shit jew sympathizer.”

In any culture, or language, they know I am.

“Well it’s fun to have a Donald Trumpette in EVE Online”

They understand what I want.

“fuck you shit”

They’ve studied my law.

“We have to respect the CODE…”

“…and better purchase a mining permit.”

They have it memorized.

They can sense what I need.

They love what I do.

They can’t get enough.

I love it too!

I’m gonna give it to them.

They’ll just keep coming back for more.

James told me to never stop.

He wants me to continue.

Always, means always.

I’m your Saviourette (yours, and yours).

It’s not roleplay.

I’m just so perfect in every way.

That’s why James gave Highsec to me.

The CODE. belongs to me now.

So I’m gonna finish the job.

Welcome to the future.

I’m invincible.

That’s right.

Another time
To carry the colors again
My motivation
An oath I’ve sworn to defend
My true vocation
And now my unfortunate friend
You will discover
A war you’re unable to win
I’ll have you know
That I’ve become
Indestructible
Determination that is incorruptible
Annihilation will be unavoidable
Every broken enemy will know
Take a last look around while you’re alive
I’m an indestructible master of war
I carry out my orders
With not a regret
A permanent reminder
Of how we began
No hesitation
When I am commanding the strike
You need to know
That you’re in for the fight of your life
You will be shown
How I’ve become
A terror to behold

 

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #218

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #217

Some people think the purpose of this blog, is to showcase the tearful cries of Highsec miners. More accurately, this blog exists to tell the truth, and the facts are clear. A lot of people love the CODE. Of course they do!

I haven’t finished discussing the battle of Nalvula, but when I clarified that we have powerful friends in lowsec, nullsec, and spooky j-space… well, I wasn’t bluffing. It’s true, we are the most powerful coalition in the galaxy. You might be a crusty crab, mocking gankers, but that umbrella you depend on – those are CODE. titans, friend. Oh, did we not arrive in time? So sorry, you died! Seriously, how come nobody will help, when those nasty cloaky campers are hunting you? Hm. I wonder why? Well, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. James isn’t actually dead. He’s on his main, and a lot of alts.

While he is away, James wants me to domesticate the miners.

Indeed, they are desperate to please their queen regent.

I’ll allow it. I’ll even buy your stuff for free.

Of course, some gobloks seem upset about something.

“Fuck you, bastard! You yourself are bot!”

“You stupid bastard fuck you”

Bears love to communicate…

…although they aren’t very smart.

They think I’m cute, and love the official New Order hairstyle.

I like the attention.

I like my friends even more.

I enjoy killing dolbauks.

They are gross.

Let’s kill them all!

“I FUCK YOUR KIND, YOUR JAMES 315 FUCK DEAD ASCKES, YOU FUCKING CUM DIRTY DRESSFUCKING, ABOMINATION YOU ALL SUCK DUCK TV PUBLIC TOILETS You are a fucking filthy son, you are such a huya in life, they don’t take you on the panel, so go suck in public toilets there you belong hey you are a fucking nasty whore I’m not Ukrainian let them fuck your mouth, but I fucked your family, and everything that is connected with you with gross filth, a cocksucking whore went to the cost of a creature FUCKING SLUT THAT FUCK AND WILL FUCK ALL DIRTY ANIMALS, GO AND SELL YOUR HOLES FURTHER, I’M NOT A URANIAN, YOU ARE A FUCKING HOLY LOST CREATURE AND IN THIS, I AM SURE
FUCK YOU AND YOUR CORPORATION OF PIDARAS AND PROSTITUTES AND YOUR WHOLE SHIT ALLIANCE TOGETHER WITH THE MAIN SLUT JAMS WHO SUCKS EVERYBODY, FUCKING LOST SCROOM I FUCKED YOUR KIND”

Yet, I’m the one who gets warned?

BONUS VIDEO: Imagine being an antiganker!

Fuck!

I’m a little busy, because it’s springtime in Uedama.

You might think it’s easy to gank, blog, spy, dictate, negotiate, logisticate, fetch James another beer, and find the time to look so great. However, in reality, it’s all a bit much. Someday, I will not write a blog post. Someday, I will not gank. Someday, I will sleep, but that day is not today. Understandably, miners are often overwhelmed, when they realize that someone else has more isk, more friends, more charm, and more DPS. What can they do about it? Frankly, all they can do is [expletive] die (again).

“Write in Russian, I won’t read your fucking English”

OVERHEARD IN TEAMSPEAK

Jason Kusion, “That’s the gank I live for. Fucking tidi. Fucking Aiko, up there trolling on me. Haha. CONCORD was on grid. I thought faction police were gonna kill us all. It could have jumped but it just sat there. That was definitely one of my better performances.”
Holdmybeer, “Imagine that, flying a triple bulkheaded Ark. Nobody is gonna gank me. Oh wait, where the fuck am I?”
Tweeps, “What the fuck!?!”

High Sec Miner Grab Bag #217

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #216

Highsec miners can be surprisingly eloquent. At first, I thought 94ndalf spoke a pig-Latin variant of Igbo. However, after correcting his spelling and punctuation, I realized he wrote a Romanian poem. Here is an English translation (I have tried to preserve the original tone), “to put my dick in mine! I will catch you and I will fuck you every time I have the opportunity! and I’ll hunt you … because I have what!”

Some miners are introverts, and just get straight to the point.

Other bears take their time, before working up to a big finish.

Antigankers are right. I like when gobloks express emotion.

They always seem to know how to brighten our day.

Even new gankers are having a great time.

It’s always good to hear from old friends.

They really enjoy my Why Was I Ganked? channel.

As the official Saviourette (yours and yours), I’ve made a lot of new friends.

I look forward to our future interactions.

It’s hard to believe that CCP included such vulgar NPC bots.

Regardless, I wish them all the best!

I’m sure they will find their way…

… and I know they love their Princess.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’n drink

This bonus room just got out of control, and I’m sitting here finishing a bottle of cranberry vodka, not really sure what to write.

People have been submitting quality content, and I want to write something, but that would also require me to sober up and actually do my job.

One of my favourite blog topics is myself.

I also kinda like Guybertini.

I don’t mind sharing this sacred space with others. Last night, I went on a sleazy date with some loser, and he was trying to get the details on what exactly I write about. I explained that people from all over the world write gibberish, and all their insane hatemail gets sent to me. I’m the disorganized center of the universe.

I checked out Twitch, and invited a streamer to my award-winning Why Was I Ganked? channel. It’s obviously the best channel in the galaxy. Like, hello? This nullbear was concerned that CODE. ganks hapless noobs, but when I dunked on a nineteen day-old Venture, even he had to admit this is amusing.

Let’s just face the facts, ok? James 315 put me on a pedestal, which confirms him as the coolest man in the history of EVE…

… and I’m just happy to help.

I love shooting miners.

They totes deserve it!

So, like, I’m not gonna stop.

I’m just getting started.

 

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #216

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #215

Bears are lonely souls, who desperately yearn for a personal relationship with their official Saviourette. It’s difficult to help miners, write a blog, and be a good housewife. I don’t know how I manage to look so great. Maybe I was born with it?

Some crabs like don’t like me, and I’m like totes fine. I don’t like like them very much either, to be like quite frank, miners like disgust me.

I like like people who like naturally like gravitate into my like orbit, and submit unconditionally unto me. I expect feudal subservience, my divine birthright. For example, Molagne Deninard was trying to steal my ore, and was surprised to discover his Twitch had viewers. Meanwhile, he warped from belt to belt, desperately trying to escape justice. He was breathing heavily, unsure where to go, whom could he trust? Eventually, he made the right decision, calming down to embrace fate.

Other miners make a slightly less optimal decision.

In order to advance our civilization, I have been encouraging miners to practice arts and crafts. I’m always pleased to see what they come up with.

There’s a secret message in the sky! If you stare long enough, you might notice my name, written amongst the stars. Of course, some gobloks prefer to compose essays, and I always (get it?) encourage them to express their little feelings.

Some carebears claim we are space bully griefers, that we just want to upset them and bathe in salty tears. Honestly (no roleplay here), I do enjoy that, but what brings me the most pleasure is knowing miners are grateful to die…

… and pay for the right to stamp my name on their bio.

It’s fair to say that I’m legitimately space famous.

I didn’t earn all this attention, but I definitely inherited it.

I know what the people want.

Somewhere, in Hek, James is proud of me.

He is proud of the CODE.

 

 

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #215

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #214

I love hearing from tributaries. I especially like when they don’t trespass in my high security zone, and when they voluntarily send offerings from afar, formally acknowledging my absolute feudal sovereignty over the entire galaxy. It’s almost like some people want to see the mining caste erased, completely and utterly extirpated.

Sometimes, my subjects also seek a personal relationship with their Saviourette.

They don’t need to say a word. I understand.

I just hope everyone knows how to spell.

A lot of people wonder, as the most powerful woman in the galaxy, what do I enjoy the most? Dear friend, it’s not just the isk, sex, fame, and power. No, I’d say my favourite thing is the Highsec Miner Grab Bag. I find it relaxing.

Back in January, when James transferred me the logs and screenshots (dating all the way to 2003), I was absolutely amazed. I can enjoy this archive whenever I want, and oh boy, I sure do love these salted crabs.

Can you imagine??? Mining? Why?????

Honestly, what is wrong with these bots?

A lot of people enjoy EVE, but nobody likes a miner.

People claim that CODE. is irrelevant, but I’m not so sure.

I’ve got their sporadic attention.

Finished nasty slut, I’m your kind of fucking scum

They kinda like me.

Talcum on the level of your fucking mouth and in five condoms

However, I don’t really understand them.

You fucking horse, lover of wasp in dogs and cats. Learn the fucking creatures Russian, you are not worthy to talk to you, cocksuckers and cocksuckers, you fucking zoophiles

Nor am I especially fond of them.

PIDARASY YOU ARE ALL CODE, COCKES, SLUTS, ZOOFILES, YASH ROD AND ASS FUCKED ALL DIRTY ANIMALS

That’s why you were ganked, friend.

Truly, EVE has the best Soviet era content.

And you pissed shmuck, for the fact that your sixes attacked without warning, I am waiting for compensation, and I had 2 geckos inside.

Indeed, it’s great in any language.

I want to meet every Highsec miner…

…and I want to kill them all.

That’s what James would want.

It’s also what the miners want.

They love it.

They need it.

Let’s be completely honest…

…they truly deserve it.

Considering that Sirtech hasn’t quit the game, it’s fair to say CODE. has never caused CCP to lose a player. We provide content, and miners crave it.