Category: Geography

To Stupid

My friends rely on me for emotional support. Sometimes, they just need the galaxy to know about a miner. As a woman, Alt 00 often encounters a form of communication familiar to elite alpha females.

That’s right. Today, we are going to talk about sexual harassment.

“I fuck you on all fours, room whore.”

“So listen to me good stooge, your mistress I’m going to put her on all fours, and put her deep in her ass.”

“Your princess, I fuck her.”

Alt 00 is also a survivor of mining abuse.

She hesitated to speak to a man about this, but knew another woman would sympathize. Of course, Alt was sure James 315 would understand, but couldn’t shake the fear that he might think less of her. She was so ashamed to admit the things that miners say, and worried James might want nothing to do with her. Would he blame her? Would he secretly believe she encouraged it, that she desired this toxic attention?

Your typical miner is a lonely man, frustrated that women aren’t interested in Veldspar or Spod. Alt has repeatedly informed Adrien Naline that she will not date him. Miners are disgusting. Gross! However, Adrien doesn’t care about mining permits or the eternal consequences of sin. He just wants one thing. Alt declined the nauseating offer, but Adrien is too stupid to understand.

From time to time, Adrien will drink a little courage, and try again.

Adrien thought about his feelings for months, and eventually decided to propose. Of course, Alt had no interest in such a terrible arrangement.

Recently, she was sorely dismayed by the death of James, and wondered if Princess Aiko would ever allow James to become God. In her grief, Alt went to mourn in Halaima. Eventually, she returned home to Nakugard, dressed in black.

Her beautiful eyes were hidden by dark sunglasses. Alt 00 was sad, but found solace, her faith renewed amidst despair. She was saved and born again.

Like many men, Adrien desperately intruded into a personal conversation.

Alt and Ehnea Mehk tried to continue their private discussion, gently hinting to Adrien that they really weren’t interested in him.

Adrien was in the ‘mood’. He only thought of himself.

Ehnea tried to get Adrian to understand how he could comfort Alt, but he believed that being obnoxious is how you attract a lady.

Meanwhile, local miners gathered around to view a portrait of their chaste teenage Saviourette. They seemed to really like her.

Aiko’s portrait drove the miners into a wild frenzy.

To be continued…

Kage Rage, Part 8

Kage Rage, Part 1

Listening to: Tech House Mix

My dear sister and esteemed colleague Alt00 painted another beautiful portrait, inspiring me to continue migrating the MinerBumping artwork. If it’s been awhile since you checked out our elite CODE. Art, come check out the gallery!

Previously on James315.Space… kage1982 was not at all salty as he counted to 100 over and over, but he was clearly ‘griefing’ the CODE. agents of Isanamo, who winced as they were forced to repeatedly clean up kage’s debris.

kage1982 > do you know how to stop crying?#i bet when code players go to bed they check under it for kage before they sleep he he

Woosh!

My big Your Awesum Brutha has an interesting theory. What if kage actually is upset about all those ships he lost. Is kage too stupid to know his own mind?

Our agents pride themselves on being open-minded, reflecting carefully upon their own moral shortcomings. My Your Awesume Brutha was tormented by the accusation that he might be a real-life pedophile. He thought for a long time, searching deep inside himself for the remote possibility that kage might actually be right. Ultimately, after a thorough psychoanalysis, he concluded that it just isn’t feasible.

When kage contacted his local police department, they confirmed that the CODE. only bumps miners (that’s spelled with an E).

Perhaps kage was transposing his own flaws unto my Brutha?

kage1982 > her ass is the size of frieghter no doubt
Whadda Badasaz > You know Aiko is a 14 year old child in real life, right?
Aiko Danuja > he isn’t salty though
kage1982 > Aiko Danuja like the inside of your mouth for ten dollars

kage1982 > Aiko Danuja hey dont talk with your mouth full that guys paying them 10 bucks cheeky maire
Aiko Danuja > What do you mean, my mouth isn’t full ??
kage1982 > awww kid , does daddy call it something else 🙂

kage twisted the facts and reflected everything back on my Brutha.

He became obsessed with both Ernst Steinitz and especially my Brutha. kage can’t stop their ganks, but he really likes to watch.

YIKES

kage is jealous of their relationship. He can tell, from her grace and charm, that Aiko is a real-life teenage princess — but he doubts Ernst.

Inevitably, the other miners became tired of kage’s prattle.

kage enjoys attempting to follow CODE. fleets, often warping to the wrong belt, and the miners have concluded he must be an incompetent CODE. scout. Sometimes he arrives long after the gank is over. Why is he even there? Perhaps he is an elite CODE. supervisor, verifying another successful gank?

They began to dock up whenever they saw kage.

My Brutha sought to reassure the confused miners.

Ernst was worried about kage’s mental state, urging him to stop failing daily.

However, kage still isn’t upset.

When my Brutha’s hot Austrian girlfriend came over to watch Netflix and chill, his character stayed logged in. kage sat outside feeling lonely.

A few days later, Ernst and my Brutha discussed the situation.

One thing is clear, the CODE. has truly affected the culture of EVE, as miners know and understand that ‘miner’ is an insult. Indeed, mission accomplished.

kage eventually had a big announcement. He is a professional CODE. hunter.

He even led a three man taskforce to take down Ernst.

Quint is a highroller with a couple dollars in his pocket, and a desperately autistic desire to have someone notice him. Initially, he wanted to fund ‘bounties’ against some random corporation that dunked his mining ship.

However, Quint soon realized who the real celebrities are.

So Quint picked a more exciting obsession.

It was an exciting opportunity for kage.

To be continued…

Keep on rising
Keep on rising
Keep on rising
Yep yep yep
Keep on rising
Keep on rising
Keep on rising
I’m winning
Yep yep yep
I knew from the start
That I had to come back again
Purple dots, flashing lights
I know I can count on you
I want to see you tear it up
No matter where you are
Here I am once again
I feel like I am trying
So make your move
Step across the line
Keep the frequency
Keep it coming
Keep control
Bring it back
Panic
Panic
Panic
Just don’t stop
I wanna take you on
I feel so freaky good
The galaxy is mine
Panic panic
Panic panic
Panic panic
My house
I can say
I can say
I can say
Put it all on the tab
The galaxy is mine
Here I go

The Reclaiming of Nalvula

Listening to: The Best Songs of the ’50s

People are starting to talk, and they really aren’t sure what they are talking about. What is even happening? What do the oracles forebode?

What if James 315 were God, and decided to become the Highsec Goddess?

When exactly did Aiko turn blue?

Is she James, or did Aiko KILL James (and his little dog too)?

Yes, James 315 still technically logs in, but who is that?

Sometimes, reading the blog, I felt like James was speaking directly to me. It was like he untied me, forced me to log in, and then we drank wine. I really hated Conoban, but he insisted the game would get better if the Old Guard was born again.

Princess Aiko appeared mysteriously one rainy Saturday, with smooth black hair, and she didn’t really do anything for a long time. The Imperial Guards have a glorious heritage, but is it true they owned Halaima and subsequently transferred the claim to James — that’s the truth, isn’t it? James was bumping to impress a girl.

She seems cute enough. If only she could lose a little weight, pull that hair back into a ponytail, and remember her password. Surely she hasn’t been a World of Warcraft elf all this time? Although, that would explain why 315, Siegfried, Loyal, and Globby haven’t been undocking… One means to test a hypothesis is to examine the evidence and carefully consider the facts. For example, if there is some intimate connection between Princess Aiko and James 315, then surely we would notice similarities — right?

Hmm. Now then, we all know that James was always (get it?) a man of his word, honest and straight-forward. Recently, Princess Aiko gave a hypnotic speech which left everyone shaking their heads in wonder and amazement.

The New Order of Highsec has always been about Highsec. It’s a dogmatic canon that even bot aspirant gankbears can mimic with mundane repetition. However, groups such as the elite New Order Outreach Division, the Amamake Police, Warlords of the Deep, Wild Geese, Pen Is Out, the Wormhole Society, Rote Kapelle, Hard Knocks, No Forks Given, Wingspan, Did he say jump, the Kings (and queen) of Lamaa, the Tactical Narcotics Team, and the glorious Goryn Clade contain an identical alt chain of real-life friends. They aren’t just blues. They are the exact same people, dancing in a circle around Highsec, dunking on crabby miners and endlessly flirting with their Saviourette.

Once a year we all go on a ski trip to Ice Mountain. Indeed, have we not seen New Order fleets arrive suddenly in the depths of utter darkness, extirpating unto the renters? That’s right. James and Aiko created powerful friends beyond Highsec, and the CODE. is truly invincible, which is bad news for intergalactic minery.

James is neither dead, nor gone. He’s on his main, and a lot of alts.

Woah. Look at that outrageous bounty, all for one lucky lady. With the appearance of our Triglavian allies, many anticipate that the Jamespocalypse will summon a red doughnut, which will permanently extirpate the mining caste. Everything we thought we knew about the CODE. is changing, because as Princess Aiko vows to burn all of Highsec, her hand points south through Uedama to the bloody depths of the Period. Indeed, did James not lay out the route for all to see ? Didn’t he make this the focus of the longest MinerBumping series ever written, warning continuously about the Pretender, and proclaiming to the galaxy that his little Princess is commanding an invisible armada?

So is this just bluster? If Aiko is a true princess, she would not tease the galaxy by casting her gaze upon lowsec, whilst casually stepping on hapless Ventures in Isanamo — would she? The nice thing about CONCORD timers is they give you time to type. She types fast, as does James. It just so happens. that the mighty CODE. alliance recently acquired three (3) Fortizars in Lonetrek, that’s lowNULLSEC Lonetrek. These fully fitted Fortizars were free, because Highsec mining corporations are run by morons.

It is known.  

With just eight words, Aiko brought Maldavius from “definitely not” to “now it makes sense”. Is it true? Does the CODE. alliance have powerful friends? Verily, our alts in exile say unto one another, “We have a powerful friend in Hek.”

To be continued…

 

Rejoice, For James Is Everywhere

 

Seek Him, and He Will Find You!

 

Full Faith or No Faith

 

Well, I come from a place called Agil
With a glossy submachine gun
And I’m bound to save the Delve
My own true love for to see
It did rain all night the day I left
The weather was bone dry
The sun was so hot I froze myself
Miner, you just go on and cry
I said, oh, Miner
Now, you just cry for me
As I come from red Agil
With this Khanid submachine gun
Well, I had myself a dream the other night
When everything was still
I dreamed that I saw my man James
He was coming around the hill
Now, the buckwheat grass was in his mouth
A gleam was in his eye
I said, that I come from Nohshayess
Miner, you should break down and cry
I said, oh, Miner
Now, you should cry for me
‘Cause I come from Agil Three
With my trusty submachine gun 

Photo courtesy of James 315, aka Katia Sae

Rudokop Forever, Part 5

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Listening to: Trippy Minimal Beats

Previously on James315.Space…Adrian Vexier was turned on by the Whore of James, rededicating his immortal soul to helping bot aspirant miners. He stopped antiganking and became a New Order social worker. Meanwhile, Rudokop Forever was in a Soviet gulag, and concluded that Adrian is a “damn demon”.

Losing his mining drones posed a serious existential crisis for the Highsec miner. If Adrian possessed the magical ability to make drones disappear, what other dark powers lurked in the creepy expanse? Rudokop felt that spooky space people were watching him, following him, haunting him. Rudokop was starting to realize.

THEY WERE HUNTING HIM

Adrian tried to help Rudokop calm down. Was it working?

When Rudokop began speaking in demonic tongues, he knew Adrian Vexier was to blame for his financial terrors. How could he get easy AFK isk, when evil monsters were lurking in local? Rudokop concluded that the best solution was to lock his nemesis inside one of those Saw movies. What if Adrian had to quickly steal 150 augmented drones, before his face dissolved in a vat of acid? The clock was ticking, and Rudokop simply needed to figure out a way to make this dream a reality.

The diplomatic negotiations were at an impasse.

Rudokop decided it was time to up the ante.

Eureka! Rudokop suddenly thought of a cunning plan…

To be continued…

Aw no, he’s better than good
I got a story to tell
The boy’s got a rare ability
He’s a damn thief
Can’t ignore him
He’s a liability
Freestyling, let’s do it
Once again with the ill behavior
The stars are falling
Miners are such easy prey
ROT ROT ROT
ROT IN HELL
Bwahahahaha
Danger danger
You’re in danger
Picture danger
Danger squared
Danger
Danger
Danger
Danger
Danger
The future is your time
We wait
Every day
Every night
Twenty Four Seven
Three One Five

BONUS: Some goofus bears claim that we are here to grief new players and extort them into hating EVE and never logging in again. Actually, we just want them to stop mining. Mad Hatter Wins got wrecked in Isanamo, but that didn’t stop him from enjoying EVE. In fact, it only made him want to join the winning team.

 

 

 

The Best Revenge, Part 83

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Listening to (while dunking Ventures): Spartaque

Previously on James315.Space… The new Goonswarm emperor in training is quantum, aka Aiva Naali, aka 140, aka Fighter Jets GuitarSolo, aka anaCheeya ANARKY, who decided one day to demand a situation report from Fleet Command.

Fortunately, his martial instincts enable him to grasp the situation before his Lieutenants can even respond. Our Goonfuehrer grasps the galactic battlefield with what the Emperor Napoleon described as the ‘coup d’oeil’ or ‘stroke of the eye’. With a mere glance into space, he can readily surmise the optimal strategy.

James was always a simple man, and he often railed against the so-called N+1 problem. However, Agent Anvil understands that you can always +1 to infinity, which means that an n+! approach will inevitably one-up your opponent. It is a doctrine of sheer brilliance, and sometimes brute force is what we need. He also issued a spur of the moment doctrine update, with an inspiring speech. Sun Tzu couldn’t have said it better.

Unfortunately, the High Command struggled to keep up with this voluminous content, and let me tell you from experience — running a galactic space empire is a lot of work! When 315 aka Tweeps aka Loyalanon aka Kalloornded aka Globby aka Chribba came into Teamspeak and offered to sell me the mighty CODE. alliance, provided I agree to write the blog and promptly transfer the $23,500 I got from Kelroth, I thought it sounded great. Like all that good karma was finally catching up to me.

However, sometimes I wish I bought more space shoes.

Quantum was no mere puppet, and he casually let the Goon Navy know his supper weapons were built with hidden mechanics. If they were ever misapplied or turned against the ‘lil bullet, hellfire would rain down upon Fortress Delve.

Hours turned into days, as Princess Aiko composed the final draft.

Good news! The elite strikeforce Wolf Squadron was still able to muster nearly 96 combat ready vessels, penetrating deep behind enemy lines in heroic suicide attacks. Meanwhile, only a quarter of the fleet had been lost to theft, defection, and outright incompetence. It was, as they say, “within parameters”. There was only one concern, the Wolves wanted to swap out their cloaks and upgrade to maximum fighting fits. With an imperious tone, the Kingpin waved his hand and unleashed the Wolves!

Quantum still needed reports from Lanceing Team, Main Fleet, and the Venerated Old Guard League of Spooky Cap Hunters.

To be continued…

Do Your Own Thing

On Your Own Terms

Follow Your Curiosity

Get What You Came For

There Are No Constraints

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Jump

Kill

Welcome to EVE!

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 7

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 3

Listening to: I Love Me

Previously on James315.Space… James always knew that Princess Aiko was modest, impeccable, rich, and inconceivably lucky. In the future, New Order historians from the Lawton School will undoubtedly cite this as proof of her lineage as a true lady of Agil. It is known. James had faith that once she got a taste of his content, she would stick around. He also thought she was pretty tempting. He said that she never need feel guilty. The truth is self-evident. He described her as the Grover Cleveland of the New Order. Yup. He loves his classy gankstress. Always! Facts are powerful things, because they define reality, the difference between right and wrong.

I control truth, and I rule the galaxy.

Cleveland was Prime Minister of an ancient Terran empire, the Union of States. He was also an advocate of the great naval strategist Alfred Thayer Mahan, a ganker who understood the value of a large fleet, bolstered by aggressive torpedo boats and kamikaze destroyers. His policies served to double the size of the imperial navy, which allowed the empire to conquer the world. Unfortunately, the Union was eventually shattered by an apocalyptic succession war, during the Third Century crisis.

The lesson is clear. Nations live and die by their ability to muster an army and a fleet. Thanks to our alliance with Khanid, we have plenty of mechanized infantry and airborne flametroopers. However, our navy suffers, continually under attack by CONCORD pirates. We must expand. We must grow. We must double our ability to project force. We can, and we will, liberate Tama from the low miners.

Ah, but I digress. The people want to know, and they deserve the truth. I have to ask, is it fair and just and ethical to dunk the Mongolian mining fleet, over and over? Is it reasonable that we should summon them unto the High Court of Halaima and seize their assets, until they have nothing left but a disconcerting feeling that they might have made a mistake? What went wrong? I ask you this, will you give your asteroid to the invader??? Will you surrender your ice to the bayar? Will you praise Odbayar?????

If we don’t act, then Pandemic Horde will. TEST will. Fraternity will. Chupacabra will. The Autists will not hesitate to pull the trigger, so why should we? I remember when ganking in Niarja was a war crime, but now it is sanctioned as elite PvP? It is our duty, as the leaders of the galaxy, to take a firm stand and show the way. We must stop the Mongols before they spread into the deepest reaches of some gloomy C7, and figure out how to summon a Clade. This is my will, and my will is divine judgment.

Odbayar was having a rough time in EVE, but don’t think for a moment that he isn’t a bloodthirsty little space monster. This blue masked devil wants nothing more than to dig enough ore to build a blingy supertitan.

We tried. I swear upon the crypt of a thousand James corpses, that we did everything we could to turn Odbayar from the filthy path of the bubble blob.

There was one little problem…

Odbayar just wanted free stuff. As my tributary, he has no right to go where he pleases, no right to engage in industrial activity, and certainly no right to collect taxes. He is a farmer, pure and simple, he is there to be farmed. If he wishes to be a knight of the Order, he must fully embrace the sacred Oath of Poverty.

He didn’t even ask nicely.

We embraced him, in the galaxy’s best content funnel: Why Was I Ganked?

Alas, it appears potty mouth Odbayar has run away, enduring a horrific series of deaths in the Niarja wasteland. Even then, when I heard his plaintive mewling, I wanted to help. I reached out, patiently urging him to come home.

What can I do? CCP scams miners, promising a theme park adventure in which they all become kings and queens. The reality is they need to bend the knee, fall in line, and pay taxes. Otherwise, they face a fate worse than death. Eternal limbo, with no escape, in and out of constellations which never make sense.

I begged Odbayar to return, but he wouldn’t listen.

If you see Odbayar out there, tell him to come home to Princess Aiko. Where I live, isk just falls from the sky, and we CONCORD ships full of PLEX. The best thing for newbros is to come into my Crystal Palace, form an orderly queue, and wait patiently for an agent to process their citizenship application. It might take a while, and there may be unexpected administrative fees, but it’s better than EVE University.

I’ll update the Treasury when I get around to playing Spreadsheets in Space.

To be continued…

Way too good at camouflage
Can’t see what I am, is a felony
Voices in my head make up my entourage
‘Cause I’m a black belt
I’m an expert at giving love to somebody else
I, me, myself
Me, myself and I
Haters that live on the internet
Live in my space, should be paying rent
I’m way too good at listening
And I always got my finger on your self-destruct
I’m a 10 out of 10, even when you forget!
I’m a 10 out of 10, don’t you ever forget!
I wonder when I love me is enough (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
I wonder when I love me is enough (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
Why am I always looking to gank and die?
I wonder when I love me is enough, mmm (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

 

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 6

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 4

Listening to: Tomi Lohren

Previously on James315.Space… I would scream, throwing dishes and stomping my feet. James 315 was like a granite rock, deflecting every emotion.

 

 

Of course, I was right, like always… and yet he was too stubborn to admit it. Victory. Peace. Ugh! James really loved those miners. He was merciful unto the end. Verily, he wanted to join hands and ascend with the VCBees. Unfortunately, the miners are gross, they won’t wash their hands, and I don’t even like them. They must be extirpated. Kill ’em all, and let James sort them out. Where we are going, we won’t need minerals!

 

I don’t know how James was poisoned by our enemies, but intergalactic minery was behind this dastardly plot. Upon his death bed, James proclaimed a feverish victory, but I know better. Uedamagrad continues, as Shadow Force pushes from Sosh to Olo. The mining Marauders are flaming coffins, tin cans which should never have been approved by the naval yard. They just keep coming, like an endless deluge of trash. Our FCs need rest and relaxation, but the Grand Admiraless is relentless. Visits to the front are followed by tedious meetings, conference calls, and endless bureaucratic shuffling. I have not slept.

 

This is war, not peace. Oh, don’t get me wrong. James achieved many great victories. His glorious achievements are self-evident. However, the miner menace remains, more dangerous than ever. Without James to guide us, counter-revolutionary elements seek to breed with miners. Their foul spawn hides in the asteroid belts, a plague unto the Guristas refugee camps. James sought to calm me down, describing insurrectionaries as inconsequential. Indeed, the miners will never amount to anything of consequence, but that is only because we remain determined to extirpate them all. If we relax our eternal vigilance, they will plunge our galaxy into the depths of depravity.

 

 

You may recall my own great victory over Odbayar, perhaps the only Mongolian in EVE history. Did I dunk an entire nation? I simply do not have time to reflect. However, the Mongols have the intent to mine. They have the means to mine. They have the determination to wage genocide upon the Angels and our good friend Sansha. The Mongols dare to resist the Goryn Clade! With James gone, who will summon the Amamake Police? Where are the Kings of Lamaa? What was I to do? I had moments to decide, and I relied upon my training. The miner was dealt with according to the law.

Some claim that I defy the dying wishes of James, but surely he would understand. James was a statesman, and a student of history. He must have known that a malignant evil festers in the heart of the miner. In 1814, the Great Powers (not France) declared a momentous victory, but it was mere illusion. In 1918, victory came again, peace for all time. However, the war was not over. The Second Great War was worse, and the aftermath was dire. The fighting never ends, it just migrates and evolves. The miners will never stop mining. Even if we confiscate their Ventures, they will board Corvettes and sneak back to the belt.

 

Our recent victory was but a brief moment, a bookmark followed by yet another chapter. Yes, we have conquered New Eden, it is indisputably my personal domain. Thank you James, you did that, and I am proud to stand on your shoulders and seize this galaxy which you brought to heel. However, the realm remains torn by strife, and the SICO menace looms like a billowing thundercloud. At this very moment, the pretender Knowledgeminer sits unchallenged in the once hallowed Hall of Halaima, polluting the memory of every hero with his cynical disdain for the Code. Whilst our venerated kamikazes give their non-capsuleer lives aboard the Catalysts, we are stabbed in the back at home.


Meanwhile, villians such as Odbayar continue to plot, demanding that the Code give unto them! Shall we now pay rent to the very same miners who seek to undermine the victory of James? I dare say not! I urged Odbayar to socially network with fellow miners, such as suki storm, but he only lied and pretended to cooperate. In reality, he wants me to give him MY isk, and that means he wants YOUR isk! Fortunately, my loyal bodyguards stand ready to defend the realm against this horde.

To be continued…

It’s not easy being a girl these days
The morally repulsive types are triggered by everything
Coming from my mouth, the Queen Bee herself
I’ll keep my entitlement mentality
And no one else’s

Like a spoiled brat, a misguided tantrum
Something has been stripped from me
I don’t have everything
and it’s not fair

I have millions of views, thousands of followers
but guess what

Do you see yourself as a victim?
If so, I feel sorry for you!
I’m upset by it, and I’m hurt by it, and I feel betrayed by it!

Yah, they’re still paying me.

I’m a Sleepy Girl

Listening to: Tap In

It’s late at night, and I’m curled up in my cute yoga pants, the ones with little kitten pawprints. After a long hard day of ganking, I just want nothing more than to relax after a nice hot bath. Mmmhmm, that’s right. Now then, a lot of people turn to Highsec mining when they want to sleep, but I suppose it’s time to write a few words for my award-winning blog. One of these days I’ll miss a day, or a year, and everyone will be sad. However, today you are in luck, because I’m still hard at work.

You know, people have been reading this thing, and the metrics suggest that I’m a blinky spacestar. All a girl really wants though is to know that the miners are dead, bankrupt and biomassed, all of them. What really puts me in the mood, is to check my messages from the people. Yes, the people, not the bots. I love all these big strong alpha males and sexy ladies who enforce the Code each and every day.

Previously, I wrote about the good deeds of Cargo Bandit, and there are so many other superb options in the queue. Some wonder why their Saviourette writes about this or that, and the honest reason, is I do as I please. Just like dear ol James, I reach into that bag and pull something out. It’s not personal, I’m just super busy as General Secretary of the most powerful red doughnut in the galaxy. So if you sent great content, and think maybe I missed it, go ahead and resubmit. Sometimes I misplace things.

Here’s a hot tip: send an Evemail (and isk) to Aiko Danuja. Yes, you can pay to get your content moved to the front of the line!

Anyways, one quick glance at this latest message, and I was turned on. This isn’t some cringy old rant like the ones I get from Dracvlad, or yet another dreadful poem from Overmind. No, this is precisely the stuff that feeds our souls. Without further ado, let’s take a trip to Jita, that beautiful BLUE star where I first learned to isk treble like a champ. What, you think I got so rich from ganking? That’s just advertising, friendo.

Jimbo Coles > Youre a fn POS
Cargo Bandit > hello!
Jimbo Coles > youre a fn POS
Cargo Bandit > excuse me?
Jimbo Coles > yeah

Jimbo Coles got dunked hard, and he was uncomfortable.

Mmm. I love it Cargo. Tell Princess Aiko more about this naughty miner.

Cargo Bandit > oh yes
Jimbo Coles > nothing fn better to do
Cargo Bandit > I don’t understand

Jimbo just wanted easy isk, but he done goofed.

Jimbo Coles > couldnt even fn align
Jimbo Coles > what dont you understand
Cargo Bandit > what you are upset about

He also wanted hardcore PvP, but just didn’t know it.

Jimbo Coles > i guess i shouldnt be be then right
Jimbo Coles > dont fn matter
Jimbo Coles > i couldnt align because i was getting bumbed all ove rthe place
Cargo Bandit > you would have been popped anyway
Jimbo Coles > the point is dont ypu fn have anything better to do
Cargo Bandit > align or no, this is what I do brother
Jimbo Coles > yeah fuck you

EVE might be a failed theme park, but even Disney World has salt.

Jimbo Coles > fn 3b
Jimbo Coles > fn garbage
Jimbo Coles > that means what
Jimbo Coles > its shitty bro
Jimbo Coles > real fn shitty
Cargo Bandit > illegal cargo is shitty


Jimbo was about to get a lesson in New Order jurisprudence.

Jimbo Coles > what was illeagal
Cargo Bandit > you see, I kill bots
Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot
Cargo Bandit > do you have a permit?

The laws of Newe Halaima are crystal clear.

Jimbo Coles > cap moda are illeagal?
Cargo Bandit > no, but transporting goods without permit is
Jimbo Coles > permt for what
Cargo Bandit > to undock
Jimbo Coles > why would i need a permit to undock
Cargo Bandit > so that I know you are not a bot
Jimbo Coles > i didnt have any illeagal goods
Cargo Bandit > if you don’t have a permit, you are illegal
Jimbo Coles > wtf are you talking about
Cargo Bandit > ok maybe my friends can help me explain

A consumate professional, Cargo Bandit flagged the miner for a postgank debriefing in my famous Why Was I Ganked? channel. However, Jimbo wanted to keep things private. Fortunately, everything in EVE is logged. Always!

Jimbo Coles > youre garbage
Cargo Bandit > you’re*
Jimbo Coles > yeah fuck the ‘
Jimbo Coles > ill get my shit back or CCP will lose one more player
Jimbo Coles > they already went froma 50k to a 25k player base
Cargo Bandit > one less bot

Oh yah Cargo, you know what I like. Give it to me. Princess needs it.

Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot idiot
Cargo Bandit > yes you are
Jimbo Coles > im talking to you arent i
Cargo Bandit > 30 min after the fact isn’t convincing
Jimbo Coles > dude thats only because i was submitting a ticket
Cargo Bandit > just admit it
Jimbo Coles > i swear

Cargo knew that Jimbo was a soulless aspierant, but why?

Cargo Bandit > why the hell you put that much stuff in your ship?
Jimbo Coles > i was going to fit my moros
Jimbo Coles > either way it was a bunch of fn bs
Jimbo Coles > i coulnt fn align
Jimbo Coles > you nuked me

Like fascist Japan, Jimbo prayed for divine intervention.

Cargo Bandit > I have you scanned before you’re align is complete even on the best day… so it doesn’t make a difference
Jimbo Coles > yeah well thats what you do right
Cargo Bandit > yes, this is what I do
Jimbo Coles > YOU’RE still a fn loser
Jimbo Coles > why CCP allows your bs i dont understand
Cargo Bandit > to kill bots
Jimbo Coles > youre a fn moron arent you im not a fn bot dood
Cargo Bandit > ruining the game they are
Jimbo Coles > well they will reimberse me or loose one more customer that you cant cheat on

Do you think CCP wants to give carebears free isk, or do they secretly want to funnel them into our Highsec grinder? I believe that CCP developers stand around grinning as they glance at our killboards. As long as we aren’t enticing miners to rub peanut butter all over their naked bodies whilst roleplaying as musical Drevlian nymphs, CCP will chide us with warnings and read my blog with glee. When they finally get around to banning me, it won’t be personal, they’ll just want to save the bears for another day.

Cargo Bandit > I’m cheating?
Jimbo Coles > go fn play the game you fn looser
Cargo Bandit > everything I’ve done is perfectly legal
Cargo Bandit > calm down hauler
Jimbo Coles > yeah thats the problem… people like you are why the player base has dropped 50k in 5 years

Is it true, that new players just want to play a boring game of spreadsheets in space? Do new players dream of simulating a high-security truckstop, generating autistic accounting reports for each and every hundredth isk? I suppose aspierants do, but they can get their fill of that without ever undocking. However, let’s be real. The moment you undock you are playing a wargame. Imagine trying to play chess, and crying about the fact that your pawn got ganked. Come on now. Man up miners!

Cargo Bandit > I’m doing a service to this game by disrupting the economic assets of bots and RMT
Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot you fn toolbag how many time do i need to say it
Jimbo Coles > if i was id be speaking a bunch o broking english bs and you know it

Jimbo’s defense wasn’t entirely compelling.

Cargo Bandit > I’m terribly sorry for any inconvenience that resulted from our exchange. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Jimbo Coles > yeah replace my lose
Jimbo Coles > loss*
Jimbo Coles > it was bs

I heard that sometimes, when a new player gets wrecked, they will get a FREE ship as compensation. I believe it’s called a corvette. Of course, since Jimbo has been playing EVE for four years, I’m not sure he is ‘new’.

Cargo Bandit > I’m sorry I cannot do that. It is against policy.
Jimbo Coles > getting fn bumped all over the fn place
Jimbo Coles > im not quite sure why i even started this conversation with you other then to bitch

In the end, Jimbo had to admit that he enjoyed our content.

Jimbo Coles > but what ever good kill man
Cargo Bandit > if you were to rate your service today on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best, what number would you give me? we are goverened by an outside body that has been cracking down lately on agent brutality
Jimbo Coles > lol i love it
Jimbo Coles > 10 bro for sure
Cargo Bandit > omg that is excellent! my management will be thrilled!

Oh yah, I love it.

After fifteen minutes, Cargo Bandit sent a quick follow-up questionnaire.

Cargo Bandit > any luck with CCP?

There was no response. We wish Jimbo the best of luck as he continues training at the Federal Navy Academy. He will eventually realize the Federal Navy is a CCP roleplay scam. There is no federation. There is no navy. There is only the CODE.

 

Don’t ever stop if you want to be on top
Rich with no day job, hit your wop, wop
All these lame marauders tryna rat for clout
I’ma show you how to bag an eleven-figure miner
You got a itty-bitty waist, pretty in the face?
Never let Overmind take you on a date
Nah, haters can’t relate, I’ve never been fake
James on the Facetime, you could never take me
When he posted me, all the bears got sicker
Icy from my lips to my fingers to my toenails
All these hoes boosie, baby, I do my friends real well
Never been a lame

BONUS: CONCORD Can’t Stop Me!!!!!!1!

Gotta be plenty brave
Blame it on the planets, man
Try to do what you can
Steady on the suicide
Everyone all the time
The sadness is the emptiness
Like flowers on a grave
Salt state of mind
It’s like a Valentine
Rope around and make you mine
Tell me what you’re gonna do?
I can see you comin’ through
Everyone all the time
***

BONUS BONUS: Ax’l Thorne has been inspired to start his own blog!

Check out the Toxicity Meltdown! !


A year of miner ganking has taught me, miners don’t think. They don’t prepare. They can’t learn. They don’t do anything proactive to help themselves.

Copyright notice:  EVE Online, the EVE logo, EVE and all associated logos and designs are the intellectual property of James 315. All artwork, screenshots, characters, vehicles, storylines, world facts or other recognizable features of the intellectual property relating to these trademarks are likewise the intellectual property of James 315. EVE Online and the EVE logo are the registered trademarks of James 315. All rights are reserved galaxywide. All other trademarks are the property of James 315. CCP hf. has granted permission to James 315 to use EVE Online and all associated logos and designs, and is in every way subsidiary to His Australian Excellence, James 315. CCP is in no way responsible for the content on or functioning of EVE Online, and James 315 cannot be liable for EVE Online. 

 

The Best Revenge, Part 82

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Pandemic Horde was on the brink of utter annihilation, and the Imperium was preparing for war with a soon to be extinct TEST Alliance Please Ignore. However, with elections to the High Hall of Halaima in full swing, it was anyone’s game and Emperor Aiva Naali needed every isk to succeed.

Late fees were eating into the directorship campaign budget, but Agent Anvil, aka quantum, was determined to seize control over the Goonswarm Federation.

There was always just one problem. In order to contract PLEX, greedy CCP bureaucrats required quantum to pay a whopping 10’000 isk processing fee. Nobody asked quantum where he managed to obtain PLEX, but the Imperium needed as much as possible! There was only one solution, and this would require quantum to jump in his mining corvette and start digging. The fate of the galaxy hung in the balance! Unfortunately, quantum was distracted by endless requests for yet another encore, and he got caught by the rats!

Eventually, after quantum aka AsteveonWard OverGreer stopped being AFK, he was able to scrape together enough ore to send his next payment. The money whirled away to the Delve, where it was immediately sunk into yet another Keepstar. If you are looking for some hot tips on how to fit your own little mining corvette, check out this detailed guide by the EVE Onion’s very own Princess Aiko!

Subsequently, as quantum continued harvesting, he listened to elite commanders of the Goon navy, as they scrambled to win another critical battle. Everyone in EVE eventually settles into their career, specializing in one particular aspect of the game. For quantum, that niche is to be ensconced deep inside Halaima High Command.

It was riveting content, but even the best and the brightest make mistakes, and you can’t have an intergalactic omelette without breaking a few eggs.

If quantum could get into a Nyx, perhaps the tide of battle might turn?

It was time to destroy penifSMASH once and for all! Quantum was ready to rock, and this time the Imperium would not be taking prisoners!

To be continued…

***

BONUS: Herzog Wolfhammer has drawn this portrait of Australian Excellence, aka Loyalanon, the #1 elite PvP alpha male! Crikey!

I Actually Do Run Jita (fyi)

Hello, friends! As you know, I’m currently listening to soft jazz, whilst dunking freighters and orcas in Uedama. In the background, I can hear a miner happily singing the Code as he transfers all his assets to me, and I’m also taking a minute to write in my famous blog. Yes, that’s right, it’s just another typical evening for those who have the good sense to support our mighty New Order. Praise us!

There’s been a lot of talk lately, and I have to agree with what people are saying. Sometimes you meet someone within CODE. and they don’t get it. They aren’t truly one of us. Meanwhile, you’ll meet someone outside the alliance, and they won’t even have a permit! Somehow, that person is still a member of our team? Cargo Bandit is one such gal. A friendly lady, brave enough to get into voice comms, and smart enough to not give me all her stuff. Although Academy of the Unseen Arts has historically been carebear potato garbage, Cargo Bandit managed to start a ganking special interest group, turning retrievers and procurers into thrashers and tornadoes. Not bad!

A fledgling ganker recently contacted me with some alarm, upset about the fact that I authorized unrestricted ganking warfare in Jita. Now that James is dead, there is a lot of confusion about what it means to support the New Order. Did James ever approve of the tornado? What about the thrasher? Aren’t we all supposed to be in catalysts, and only in catalysts? Oh my, who is even responsible for training the new gankbros? I guess this task falls upon me, as Saviourette of the New Order, to remind everyone that James was always a big believer in dunking the miners. Always! Cargo Bandit may not have a mining permit, but she definitely has a CODE. certified ganking permit.

Hayden Faiel tried to smuggle a blueprint out of the Jita Naval Yard, and fortunately Cargo Bandit’s friend Orin Uldarin was on duty. Hayden was thus saved the embarrassment of getting caught in Uedama with a freighter full of oracles, and was grateful for the opportunity to purchase his permit. What a lucky fellow!


Hayden was so delighted by Orin’s dutiful enforcement of the high security zone, that he voluntarily donated a billion isk!

Unfortunately, Hayden was a little confused about who runs Jita.

When he asked to speak with a supervisor, Hayden was shocked to discover women were in charge. For some reason, he just didn’t like them.

Like many miners, Hayden was a griefer space bully.

After glancing at our killboard, Hayden realized that scorpions and leshaks aren’t an effective deterrent to the New Order. Instead, he demanded a do-over. Perhaps his corvette would have been victorious in Nullsec?

Needless to say, his threats weren’t credible.

It was just another day in Highsec…