How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 6

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 4

Listening to: Tomi Lohren

Previously on James315.Space… I would scream, throwing dishes and stomping my feet. James 315 was like a granite rock, deflecting every emotion.

 

 

Of course, I was right, like always… and yet he was too stubborn to admit it. Victory. Peace. Ugh! James really loved those miners. He was merciful unto the end. Verily, he wanted to join hands and ascend with the VCBees. Unfortunately, the miners are gross, they won’t wash their hands, and I don’t even like them. They must be extirpated. Kill ’em all, and let James sort them out. Where we are going, we won’t need minerals!

 

I don’t know how James was poisoned by our enemies, but intergalactic minery was behind this dastardly plot. Upon his death bed, James proclaimed a feverish victory, but I know better. Uedamagrad continues, as Shadow Force pushes from Sosh to Olo. The mining Marauders are flaming coffins, tin cans which should never have been approved by the naval yard. They just keep coming, like an endless deluge of trash. Our FCs need rest and relaxation, but the Grand Admiraless is relentless. Visits to the front are followed by tedious meetings, conference calls, and endless bureaucratic shuffling. I have not slept.

 

This is war, not peace. Oh, don’t get me wrong. James achieved many great victories. His glorious achievements are self-evident. However, the miner menace remains, more dangerous than ever. Without James to guide us, counter-revolutionary elements seek to breed with miners. Their foul spawn hides in the asteroid belts, a plague unto the Guristas refugee camps. James sought to calm me down, describing insurrectionaries as inconsequential. Indeed, the miners will never amount to anything of consequence, but that is only because we remain determined to extirpate them all. If we relax our eternal vigilance, they will plunge our galaxy into the depths of depravity.

 

 

You may recall my own great victory over Odbayar, perhaps the only Mongolian in EVE history. Did I dunk an entire nation? I simply do not have time to reflect. However, the Mongols have the intent to mine. They have the means to mine. They have the determination to wage genocide upon the Angels and our good friend Sansha. The Mongols dare to resist the Goryn Clade! With James gone, who will summon the Amamake Police? Where are the Kings of Lamaa? What was I to do? I had moments to decide, and I relied upon my training. The miner was dealt with according to the law.

Some claim that I defy the dying wishes of James, but surely he would understand. James was a statesman, and a student of history. He must have known that a malignant evil festers in the heart of the miner. In 1814, the Great Powers (not France) declared a momentous victory, but it was mere illusion. In 1918, victory came again, peace for all time. However, the war was not over. The Second Great War was worse, and the aftermath was dire. The fighting never ends, it just migrates and evolves. The miners will never stop mining. Even if we confiscate their Ventures, they will board Corvettes and sneak back to the belt.

 

Our recent victory was but a brief moment, a bookmark followed by yet another chapter. Yes, we have conquered New Eden, it is indisputably my personal domain. Thank you James, you did that, and I am proud to stand on your shoulders and seize this galaxy which you brought to heel. However, the realm remains torn by strife, and the SICO menace looms like a billowing thundercloud. At this very moment, the pretender Knowledgeminer sits unchallenged in the once hallowed Hall of Halaima, polluting the memory of every hero with his cynical disdain for the Code. Whilst our venerated kamikazes give their non-capsuleer lives aboard the Catalysts, we are stabbed in the back at home.


Meanwhile, villians such as Odbayar continue to plot, demanding that the Code give unto them! Shall we now pay rent to the very same miners who seek to undermine the victory of James? I dare say not! I urged Odbayar to socially network with fellow miners, such as suki storm, but he only lied and pretended to cooperate. In reality, he wants me to give him MY isk, and that means he wants YOUR isk! Fortunately, my loyal bodyguards stand ready to defend the realm against this horde.

To be continued…

It’s not easy being a girl these days
The morally repulsive types are triggered by everything
Coming from my mouth, the Queen Bee herself
I’ll keep my entitlement mentality
And no one else’s

Like a spoiled brat, a misguided tantrum
Something has been stripped from me
I don’t have everything
and it’s not fair

I have millions of views, thousands of followers
but guess what

Do you see yourself as a victim?
If so, I feel sorry for you!
I’m upset by it, and I’m hurt by it, and I feel betrayed by it!

Yah, they’re still paying me.

I’m a Sleepy Girl

Listening to: Tap In

It’s late at night, and I’m curled up in my cute yoga pants, the ones with little kitten pawprints. After a long hard day of ganking, I just want nothing more than to relax after a nice hot bath. Mmmhmm, that’s right. Now then, a lot of people turn to Highsec mining when they want to sleep, but I suppose it’s time to write a few words for my award-winning blog. One of these days I’ll miss a day, or a year, and everyone will be sad. However, today you are in luck, because I’m still hard at work.

You know, people have been reading this thing, and the metrics suggest that I’m a blinky spacestar. All a girl really wants though is to know that the miners are dead, bankrupt and biomassed, all of them. What really puts me in the mood, is to check my messages from the people. Yes, the people, not the bots. I love all these big strong alpha males and sexy ladies who enforce the Code each and every day.

Previously, I wrote about the good deeds of Cargo Bandit, and there are so many other superb options in the queue. Some wonder why their Saviourette writes about this or that, and the honest reason, is I do as I please. Just like dear ol James, I reach into that bag and pull something out. It’s not personal, I’m just super busy as General Secretary of the most powerful red doughnut in the galaxy. So if you sent great content, and think maybe I missed it, go ahead and resubmit. Sometimes I misplace things.

Here’s a hot tip: send an Evemail (and isk) to Aiko Danuja. Yes, you can pay to get your content moved to the front of the line!

Anyways, one quick glance at this latest message, and I was turned on. This isn’t some cringy old rant like the ones I get from Dracvlad, or yet another dreadful poem from Overmind. No, this is precisely the stuff that feeds our souls. Without further ado, let’s take a trip to Jita, that beautiful BLUE star where I first learned to isk treble like a champ. What, you think I got so rich from ganking? That’s just advertising, friendo.

Jimbo Coles > Youre a fn POS
Cargo Bandit > hello!
Jimbo Coles > youre a fn POS
Cargo Bandit > excuse me?
Jimbo Coles > yeah

Jimbo Coles got dunked hard, and he was uncomfortable.

Mmm. I love it Cargo. Tell Princess Aiko more about this naughty miner.

Cargo Bandit > oh yes
Jimbo Coles > nothing fn better to do
Cargo Bandit > I don’t understand

Jimbo just wanted easy isk, but he done goofed.

Jimbo Coles > couldnt even fn align
Jimbo Coles > what dont you understand
Cargo Bandit > what you are upset about

He also wanted hardcore PvP, but just didn’t know it.

Jimbo Coles > i guess i shouldnt be be then right
Jimbo Coles > dont fn matter
Jimbo Coles > i couldnt align because i was getting bumbed all ove rthe place
Cargo Bandit > you would have been popped anyway
Jimbo Coles > the point is dont ypu fn have anything better to do
Cargo Bandit > align or no, this is what I do brother
Jimbo Coles > yeah fuck you

EVE might be a failed theme park, but even Disney World has salt.

Jimbo Coles > fn 3b

Jimbo Coles > fn garbage
Jimbo Coles > that means what
Jimbo Coles > its shitty bro
Jimbo Coles > real fn shitty
Cargo Bandit > illegal cargo is shitty


Jimbo was about to get a lesson in New Order jurisprudence.

Jimbo Coles > what was illeagal
Cargo Bandit > you see, I kill bots
Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot
Cargo Bandit > do you have a permit?

The laws of Newe Halaima are crystal clear.

Jimbo Coles > cap moda are illeagal?
Cargo Bandit > no, but transporting goods without permit is
Jimbo Coles > permt for what
Cargo Bandit > to undock
Jimbo Coles > why would i need a permit to undock
Cargo Bandit > so that I know you are not a bot
Jimbo Coles > i didnt have any illeagal goods
Cargo Bandit > if you don’t have a permit, you are illegal
Jimbo Coles > wtf are you talking about
Cargo Bandit > ok maybe my friends can help me explain

A consumate professional, Cargo Bandit flagged the miner for a postgank debriefing in my famous Why Was I Ganked? channel. However, Jimbo wanted to keep things private. Fortunately, everything in EVE is logged. Always!

Jimbo Coles > youre garbage
Cargo Bandit > you’re*
Jimbo Coles > yeah fuck the ‘
Jimbo Coles > ill get my shit back or CCP will lose one more player
Jimbo Coles > they already went froma 50k to a 25k player base
Cargo Bandit > one less bot

Oh yah Cargo, you know what I like. Give it to me. Princess needs it.

Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot idiot
Cargo Bandit > yes you are
Jimbo Coles > im talking to you arent i
Cargo Bandit > 30 min after the fact isn’t convincing
Jimbo Coles > dude thats only because i was submitting a ticket
Cargo Bandit > just admit it
Jimbo Coles > i swear

Cargo knew that Jimbo was a soulless aspierant, but why?

Cargo Bandit > why the hell you put that much stuff in your ship?
Jimbo Coles > i was going to fit my moros
Jimbo Coles > either way it was a bunch of fn bs
Jimbo Coles > i coulnt fn align
Jimbo Coles > you nuked me

Like fascist Japan, Jimbo prayed for divine intervention.

Cargo Bandit > I have you scanned before you’re align is complete even on the best day… so it doesn’t make a difference
Jimbo Coles > yeah well thats what you do right
Cargo Bandit > yes, this is what I do
Jimbo Coles > YOU’RE still a fn loser
Jimbo Coles > why CCP allows your bs i dont understand
Cargo Bandit > to kill bots
Jimbo Coles > youre a fn moron arent you im not a fn bot dood
Cargo Bandit > ruining the game they are
Jimbo Coles > well they will reimberse me or loose one more customer that you cant cheat on

Do you think CCP wants to give carebears free isk, or do they secretly want to funnel them into our Highsec grinder? I believe that CCP developers stand around grinning as they glance at our killboards. As long as we aren’t enticing miners to rub peanut butter all over their naked bodies whilst roleplaying as musical Drevlian nymphs, CCP will chide us with warnings and read my blog with glee. When they finally get around to banning me, it won’t be personal, they’ll just want to save the bears for another day.

Cargo Bandit > I’m cheating?
Jimbo Coles > go fn play the game you fn looser
Cargo Bandit > everything I’ve done is perfectly legal
Cargo Bandit > calm down hauler
Jimbo Coles > yeah thats the problem… people like you are why the player base has dropped 50k in 5 years

Is it true, that new players just want to play a boring game of spreadsheets in space? Do new players dream of simulating a high-security truckstop, generating autistic accounting reports for each and every hundredth isk? I suppose aspierants do, but they can get their fill of that without ever undocking. However, let’s be real. The moment you undock you are playing a wargame. Imagine trying to play chess, and crying about the fact that your pawn got ganked. Come on now. Man up miners!

Cargo Bandit > I’m doing a service to this game by disrupting the economic assets of bots and RMT
Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot you fn toolbag how many time do i need to say it
Jimbo Coles > if i was id be speaking a bunch o broking english bs and you know it

Jimbo’s defense wasn’t entirely compelling.

Cargo Bandit > I’m terribly sorry for any inconvenience that resulted from our exchange. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Jimbo Coles > yeah replace my lose
Jimbo Coles > loss*
Jimbo Coles > it was bs

I heard that sometimes, when a new player gets wrecked, they will get a FREE ship as compensation. I believe it’s called a corvette. Of course, since Jimbo has been playing EVE for four years, I’m not sure he is ‘new’.

Cargo Bandit > I’m sorry I cannot do that. It is against policy.
Jimbo Coles > getting fn bumped all over the fn place
Jimbo Coles > im not quite sure why i even started this conversation with you other then to bitch

In the end, Jimbo had to admit that he enjoyed our content.

Jimbo Coles > but what ever good kill man
Cargo Bandit > if you were to rate your service today on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best, what number would you give me? we are goverened by an outside body that has been cracking down lately on agent brutality
Jimbo Coles > lol i love it
Jimbo Coles > 10 bro for sure
Cargo Bandit > omg that is excellent! my management will be thrilled!

Oh yah, I love it.

After fifteen minutes, Cargo Bandit sent a quick follow-up questionnaire.

Cargo Bandit > any luck with CCP?

There was no response. We wish Jimbo the best of luck as he continues training at the Federal Navy Academy. He will eventually realize the Federal Navy is a CCP roleplay scam. There is no federation. There is no navy. There is only the CODE.

 

Don’t ever stop if you want to be on top
Rich with no day job, hit your wop, wop
All these lame marauders tryna rat for clout
I’ma show you how to bag an eleven-figure miner
You got a itty-bitty waist, pretty in the face?
Never let Overmind take you on a date

Nah, haters can’t relate, I’ve never been fake
James on the Facetime, you could never take me
When he posted me, all the bears got sicker
Icy from my lips to my fingers to my toenails

All these hoes boosie, baby, I do my friends real well
Never been a lame

BONUS: CONCORD Can’t Stop Me!!!!!!1!

Gotta be plenty brave
Blame it on the planets, man
Try to do what you can
Steady on the suicide
Everyone all the time
The sadness is the emptiness
Like flowers on a grave
Salt state of mind
It’s like a Valentine
Rope around and make you mine
Tell me what you’re gonna do?

I can see you comin’ through
Everyone all the time
***

BONUS BONUS: Ax’l Thorne has been inspired to start his own blog!

Check out the Toxicity Meltdown! !


A year of miner ganking has taught me, miners don’t think. They don’t prepare. They can’t learn. They don’t do anything proactive to help themselves.

Copyright notice:  EVE Online, the EVE logo, EVE and all associated logos and designs are the intellectual property of James 315. All artwork, screenshots, characters, vehicles, storylines, world facts or other recognizable features of the intellectual property relating to these trademarks are likewise the intellectual property of James 315. EVE Online and the EVE logo are the registered trademarks of James 315. All rights are reserved galaxywide. All other trademarks are the property of James 315. CCP hf. has granted permission to James 315 to use EVE Online and all associated logos and designs, and is in every way subsidiary to His Australian Excellence, James 315. CCP is in no way responsible for the content on or functioning of EVE Online, and James 315 cannot be liable for EVE Online. 

 

The Best Revenge, Part 82

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Pandemic Horde was on the brink of utter annihilation, and the Imperium was preparing for war with a soon to be extinct TEST Alliance Please Ignore. However, with elections to the High Hall of Halaima in full swing, it was anyone’s game and Emperor Aiva Naali needed every isk to succeed.

Late fees were eating into the directorship campaign budget, but Agent Anvil, aka quantum, was determined to seize control over the Goonswarm Federation.

There was always just one problem. In order to contract PLEX, greedy CCP bureaucrats required quantum to pay a whopping 10’000 isk processing fee. Nobody asked quantum where he managed to obtain PLEX, but the Imperium needed as much as possible! There was only one solution, and this would require quantum to jump in his mining corvette and start digging. The fate of the galaxy hung in the balance! Unfortunately, quantum was distracted by endless requests for yet another encore, and he got caught by the rats!

Eventually, after quantum aka AsteveonWard OverGreer stopped being AFK, he was able to scrape together enough ore to send his next payment. The money whirled away to the Delve, where it was immediately sunk into yet another Keepstar. If you are looking for some hot tips on how to fit your own little mining corvette, check out this detailed guide by the EVE Onion’s very own Princess Aiko!

Subsequently, as quantum continued harvesting, he listened to elite commanders of the Goon navy, as they scrambled to win another critical battle. Everyone in EVE eventually settles into their career, specializing in one particular aspect of the game. For quantum, that niche is to be ensconced deep inside Halaima High Command.

It was riveting content, but even the best and the brightest make mistakes, and you can’t have an intergalactic omelette without breaking a few eggs.

If quantum could get into a Nyx, perhaps the tide of battle might turn?

It was time to destroy penifSMASH once and for all! Quantum was ready to rock, and this time the Imperium would not be taking prisoners!

To be continued…

***

BONUS: Herzog Wolfhammer has drawn this portrait of Australian Excellence, aka Loyalanon, the #1 elite PvP alpha male! Crikey!

I Actually Do Run Jita (fyi)

Hello, friends! As you know, I’m currently listening to soft jazz, whilst dunking freighters and orcas in Uedama. In the background, I can hear a miner happily singing the Code as he transfers all his assets to me, and I’m also taking a minute to write in my famous blog. Yes, that’s right, it’s just another typical evening for those who have the good sense to support our mighty New Order. Praise us!

There’s been a lot of talk lately, and I have to agree with what people are saying. Sometimes you meet someone within CODE. and they don’t get it. They aren’t truly one of us. Meanwhile, you’ll meet someone outside the alliance, and they won’t even have a permit! Somehow, that person is still a member of our team? Cargo Bandit is one such gal. A friendly lady, brave enough to get into voice comms, and smart enough to not give me all her stuff. Although Academy of the Unseen Arts has historically been carebear potato garbage, Cargo Bandit managed to start a ganking special interest group, turning retrievers and procurers into thrashers and tornadoes. Not bad!

A fledgling ganker recently contacted me with some alarm, upset about the fact that I authorized unrestricted ganking warfare in Jita. Now that James is dead, there is a lot of confusion about what it means to support the New Order. Did James ever approve of the tornado? What about the thrasher? Aren’t we all supposed to be in catalysts, and only in catalysts? Oh my, who is even responsible for training the new gankbros? I guess this task falls upon me, as Saviourette of the New Order, to remind everyone that James was always a big believer in dunking the miners. Always! Cargo Bandit may not have a mining permit, but she definitely has a CODE. certified ganking permit.

Hayden Faiel tried to smuggle a blueprint out of the Jita Naval Yard, and fortunately Cargo Bandit’s friend Orin Uldarin was on duty. Hayden was thus saved the embarrassment of getting caught in Uedama with a freighter full of oracles, and was grateful for the opportunity to purchase his permit. What a lucky fellow!


Hayden was so delighted by Orin’s dutiful enforcement of the high security zone, that he voluntarily donated a billion isk!

Unfortunately, Hayden was a little confused about who runs Jita.

When he asked to speak with a supervisor, Hayden was shocked to discover women were in charge. For some reason, he just didn’t like them.

Like many miners, Hayden was a griefer space bully.

After glancing at our killboard, Hayden realized that scorpions and leshaks aren’t an effective deterrent to the New Order. Instead, he demanded a do-over. Perhaps his corvette would have been victorious in Nullsec?

Needless to say, his threats weren’t credible.

It was just another day in Highsec…

 

 

 

Pew Pew

EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Raneilles
Flies Undone > ganker alert
Zopiclone > blah blah blah

Some people think that being an elite CODE. ganker is all excitement and adventure, like being a supercool intergalactic agent. Those people are right.

Zopiclone Kill: Ken Ozura (Hecate) pew pew
Zopiclone Kill: Ken Ozura (Capsule) gf AFK miner

EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Vay
EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Scheenins
Gualu Echerie
> you need a shower… a cloak can’t really hide you when you smell like a 10 day dead fish with a touch of cat pee…

Harald Uanid > the smel is so horibal thet even the FEMA needs to take actions …
Learza Thiesant > wow you kids need new more hateful hobbies 😀 QQ
Zopiclone > Pretty salty about some Drones blown up?
Zopiclone > bye

Agent Zopiclone was always one of James 315‘s favourite agents, and even though our High King is at rest, Zopiclone continues to spread the Good Word and let miners know they have been blessed by the Saviourette’s officious grace.


EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Amygnon
Fate and Destiny
> Bored of mining?
Zopiclone > gf Fingerbang Kill: Vasalinda Fingerbang (Retriever)
Fate and Destiny > That’s a special special miner

Unfortunately, the passing of James 315 created a power vacuum, and a number of false prophets and tinpot wannabe leaders have attempted to carve out a vanity niche for themselves. Vasalinda Fingerbang has thus established herself as an unofficial foreman of the so-called Verge Mining Consortium.

Vasalinda Fingerbang > you guys realize that harrassment is agains the term of service. You guys making it a point to gank me everytime you see me is gonna eventually get you in trouble. Obviously, I’m not skillful enough to stop you.. .. trying to extort me for isk is within the perview of the game.. but it’s just some made up scam you guys are playing around with… pleas eleave me alone
Fate and Destiny > Negative. You are just another miner
Vasalinda Fingerbang > im trying the best I can to lear how to play this game… I actually paid to be here.. so would you do me a personal favor .. and stop harrassing me.
Fate and Destiny > Pay your 30 Million ISK for the mining Permit
Vasalinda Fingerbang > that’s not going to happen
Fate and Destiny > Or keep dying…

Zopiclone’s loyal sidekick, Fate and Destiny, recognized that it is time to stop beating about the bush and get down to business.

Vasalinda Fingerbang > I have asked yopu politely to stop harrassing me. stop destroying all my6 ships.
Vasalinda Fingerbang > I’m not going to pay any fees to you.
Gualu Echerie > lol… that miningpermit again… you say all they have to buy one, and when one want to buy one, you are not willing to trade it at npy station or make a contract over it….
Fate and Destiny > You are playing EVE. Your ships will blow up
Vasalinda Fingerbang > I am not in a low sec area.
Fate and Destiny > Go to Arraron and let trigs kill you on gate k?
Vasalinda Fingerbang > just stop
Fate and Destiny > Make sure you fit your best possible ship

With the death of James, carebears assert that mining permits are not mandatory, or even real! These heretics insist that respect for James 315 and the Code is officially not not optional. Indeed, Sun Tzu observed that the most dangerous moment for an army is at the very moment of victory, as cheerful celebrations disintegrate into woeful anguish. When line members heap praise upon dead heroes, they fail to maintain vigilance, and effusive worship turns into grotesque mockery. Lazy gobloks will thus embrace the sweet toxin of eternal victory, but the gallant faithful will remain on duty, always!

Vasalinda Fingerbang > it is against to terms of service to specifically harrass a player.. unless you declair war.

Is the once victorious CODE. alliance on the brink of war?

To be continued…

BONUS: I have been rummaging through filing cabinets and that rickety desk. I jiggled a locked drawer and was surprised to discover a stash of personal keepsakes. An expired Ice Mountain ski pass, faded photographs of James and John at the Dolphinarium, a dried up red pen, and a beautiful gold pendant. Oh James, I miss you so much. 

 

 

PlexForce, Part 3

PlexForce, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… lee dantier was a confirmed goofus, and a proud member of PlexForce07. Meanwhile, everyone in Osmon was laughing at PlexForce Nick, who wasn’t amused.

Nick tried to blame his ex-wife’s boyfriend’s children for his own ineptitude. Just for the record, let’s be clear. In order to dock, Nick would merely need to click on a destination, and hit the dock hotkey ‘D’. That’s it. Easy. Even if your child is rolling on the ground, screaming in agony, you have plenty of time to dock.

After confiscating Nick’s battleship, the GankForce moved on to people who were actually playing the game, but Nick did not forget his defeat. His friend or ‘alt’ eventually arrived in the official Why Was I Ganked? channel.

GlitchyDev hoped to tempt fate with a hint of bait. Unfortunately, he had not anticipated that nobody would recognize him.

Koizumi Taira wanted to help GlitchyDev achieve full compliance.

Alas, the bot was already malfunctioning.

GlitchyDev was furious about what Princess Aiko done did.

There would be hell to pay!

GlitchyDev vowed to be different than all the other goofuses, like William Rageclaw, or Lahnius, or Gevlon, or Overmind, or Sharkhunter Quint, or Dracvlad, or Dryson Bennington, or JTClone Ares… Finally, the mighty CODE. alliance had an enemy who would make a ‘difference’.

Ax’l Thorne decided it was time to intervene…


Glitchy demanded to speak with a supervisor…

Glitchy was torn with guilt. He felt responsible for Nick’s death. If only he had done a better job babysitting his friend!

Glitchy was shocked by the callous disregard for his friend’s illegal lifestyle…


The time for talk was over, and Glitchy led a posse to Osmon, where he intended to avenge Nick.

Even the reincarnation of Nick attempted to catch our Saviourette (yours and mine), but she wielded a powerful weapon: his own incompetence.

In the battle for hearts and minds, the Code wins every time! Embarrassed and humiliated before the loyal citizens of Osmon, Glitchy decided it would be best to only engage Princess Aiko in private chats.

Shortly thereafter,  lee dantier’s battleship exploded! BOOM!

PlexForce, Part 2

Previously, on James315.Space… lee dantier was mining in sunny Isanamo, just two jumps from Jita, when he was totally surprised to encounter the mighty CODE. alliance. lee tried to pretend that he was making a profit from dying, even though he was obviously an abject failure. Meanwhile, lee was friends with a group of 07bears. You might know the type, pubbies who dispense with the wave, and just go all in for hardcore salute roleplay. Welcome to the elite content of PlexForce07.

PlexForce07 isn’t just a sleuth of bears, they are also a clowder of goofuses, and they love AFK mining in a rhumba of Rattlesnakes. The leader is PlexForce Nick, and he’s a fun automating guy who likes to not interact with the EVE client. When Your Awesum Brutha realized that PlexForce07 is a klan of bots, a special GankForce was dispatched to decapitate the Grand Mufti. This proved easy, as he was away from keyboard.

Sometimes, when we say a miner is AFK, we mean only that he was utterly incompetent and failed to touch his keyboard, or glanced away from his monitor for more than one half millisecond. However, PlexForce was most definitely AFK in the most literal sense of the acronym. Consequently, like the captain of a battleship who is passed out drunk in his cabin, Nick didn’t even realize his ship had burst into flames.

Eighteen minutes passed, before he awoke to find himself floating in the nether.

Nick was only awake for a few seconds, before the lights went out again…

Everyone in Osmon was laughing at Nick, but he wasn’t amused.                  

To be continued…

Kage Rage, Part 6

Previously on James315.Space… Kage1982 got dunked on, repeatedly, and was delighted by his glorious victory over the CODE. He thus began to celebrate in Isanamo. However, Ernst Steinitz removed kage’s tethering rights, and kage found himself whirling through the void, without a safety net. kage was hurtling around the Home for Young Miners, when he spotted an official ASL voice-verified princess.

kage1982 > they are trying to catch me but are slugs
Ernst Steinitz > kage did not have a permit when we found him ratting in his Barghest, that’s why he is sometimes a little angry at us.
Aiko Danuja > he isn’t salty though
kage1982 > Aiko Danuja like the inside of your mouth for ten dollars

Like many miners, kage found himself immediately captivated by the soft Voice of Highsec, and that siren’s call lured him into a trance. He fantasized about becoming a salty little, and jumping down the throat of his new vore queen. Once upon a time, Overmind Niminen had likewise beta orbited the YMCA, broadcasting romantic poems on all channels, in a desperate bid to woo the beautiful lady.

Now, it was kage1982, who also hoped to finally meet a real-life girl.

kage1982 > her ass is the size of frieghter no doubt
Aiko Danuja > Don’t you feel foolish, watching us win everyday?

Kage had forgotten about Ernst Steinitz, but now he was reminded, that mining permits come with a number of perks.

Aiko Danuja > What do u mean by a salty mouth, for a few bucks??
Your Awesum Brutha > I’d say 10
kage1982 > you know dam well what, down the docks every night you are
Whadda Badasaz > What does Aiko do, down by the docks?
kage1982 > Aiko Danuja hey dont talk with your mouth full that guys paying them 10 bucks cheeky maire
Your Awesum Brutha > Aiko Danuja thank you \o/

Kage watched, as Aiko and her Brutha performed a magic disappearing trick. He realized there were benefits to being a CODE. agent, and he was jealous. 

Aiko Danuja > What do you mean, my mouth isn’t full ??
kage1982 > awww kid , does daddy call it something else 😉
Aiko Danuja > i dont understand can you explain?
Catalyst Whisperer > How can someone be so mad after being ganked like a month ago?
Whadda Badasaz > You know Aiko is a 14 year old child in real life, right?
kage1982 > yeah prob why you got her onboard isnt it

There are some lines which should never be crossed, and one of those lines is that a miner should never dare to express sexual desire for an agent of the CODE. This is wholly indecent, like trying to molest the SWAT team, as they bash down the door and order you onto your knees. Calm down, miner!

Whadda Badasaz > Your sexual comments are very inappropriate
Your Awesum Brutha > kage1982 you are so pathetic
Aiko Danuja > Kill: kage1982’s Dramiel
Your Awesum Brutha > Can’t make that shit up

Presto, abacadabra, zap!!! Just like that, kage’s Dramiel vanished! Join us next time, on Kage Rage, Part 7, and we will reveal the mystical secrets of the Orient, and learn how CODE. agents made an entire spaceship disappear!!!!!

To be continued…

 

Kage Rage, Part 5

Kage Rage, Part 1

Previously on James315.Spacekage1982 lost a Hulk, and a Barghest. As he bathed in CODE. tears, gleefully measuring his salt/hour, he struck an alliance with Chinese bots and began to proudly clamp his hands.

kage was thrilled to see CODE. agents flee Isanamo, warping their Catalysts away to Uemisaisen and various other adjacent mining systems.

The miners of Isanamo rallied around their glorious new supreme leader, proclaiming him to be the resurrection of Lahnius, and the latest Overmind in a long line of failed gobloks. Unfortunately, although kage welcomed the Maoist Miners Liberation Front, he often struggled to understand his new comrades.

They were an odd couple, but with a little effort, the Maoists gradually coordinated their message and continued griefing the mighty CODE. alliance.

Proper salt extraction is a team effort, so kage and Wind shuttle practiced their vocabulary, winning hearts and minds. As Chairman Mao wrote, political work is the “life-blood” of civilization.

Kage had a favourite place to preach, outside the Home for Young Miners.

Meanwhile, Ernst Steinitz was super salty, and revoked kage’s tethering rights. This was amusing to kage, who was glad to see Ernst triggered.

With a space bully in Isanamo, would CODE. ever gank again?

To be continued…

 

 

Apples in the Orchard

As James 315 observed, the galaxy was initially formed within a Hobbesian state of nature. The early capsuleers were divided between those who recognized the inherent nature of power, and those who would be inevitably subjugated by powers beyond their reckoning. I often encounter bears who fall into the latter category, such as Gripen ANM, whom we will learn about in this article. Gripen failed to understand that we make our own destiny. Which fate do you weave?

In my daily life, I spend more on coffee, than ganking. Indeed, a McDonald’s McChicken has more McValue than a fleet of Catalysts. This reality makes me spacerich. I’m a legit princess, and I’m Lovin’ it. Consequently, I am generally perplexed at the panic stricken isk-grubbing of the typical gankbear. Come now, friend, read the Code and rejoice. If you see a miner, and want his isk, then you need but merely reach out and take it. If this isn’t super easy, then you are definitely doing something wrong.

Torgo Tahn > Have any of you ever bumped an Orca so hard he ejected and warped off?

Torgo Tahn is a friend of Krig Povelli, and one day Torgo witnessed the unimaginable. This was not the result of any convoluted plot, or intricate metagaming scheme, but simply the result of Zopiclone asking a straightforward question about basic game mechanics. Instead of wasting time on the EVE University wiki, Zopi consulted an expert.

Theorycrafting, my friend, is for silly bears. Carpe diem! Therefore, Zopiclone and Torgo decided to find a local miner and test the effectiveness of ECM jammers. Naturally, they didn’t ask the miner for permission. Indeed, ancient samurai would often test their swords upon the peasantry. Likewise, when a farmer decides to prune his orchard, he doesn’t seek consent. This is the natural state of nature, and how any self-respecting ganker would behave. Whyfore wouldst thou negotiate with yonder tree?

Long story short, Torgo bumped the apple tree, and out fell the fruits of his labour: five mining drones and an industrial command ship. Inside the Orca, Torgo found yet another augmented mining drone, along with a Stiletto and some other random spaceship! This is not unusual, as New Order agents routinely acquire isk without effort. Mother James will provide!


Torgo didn’t grind, he just did what James taught us to do – he minerbumped. If you have full faith, great things will happen! If you want a similar story, check out the Halaima Miracle, one of many such case studies. The moral lesson is clear. If you treat the miner as an adversary, you will struggle against inane carebear mechanics. However, if you recognize that the miner is a subhuman bot, then you will be victorious beyond your wildest dreams. Attitude is everything! Always!

If you are an incompetent and creatively challenged whiteknight, you probably feel bad for poor Gripen. However, Gripen didn’t even feel bad for himself. This isn’t surprising, because inanimate objects rarely feel bad, and Gripen actually saw this as an opportunity. Now that his Orca had been confiscated, he could finally get out of Highsec and move to Null, where he would surely get rich quick. Nothing excites a miner more than calculating his potential sweatshop wages.

There was only one problem. Gripen’s sole means of transportation was locked up inside the Orca. Without his fancy Stiletto, he had no means of even reaching Nullsec. Gripen wrote Torgo to ask if he could possibly get the interceptor returned, and Torgo decided to check it out. At this point, Torgo noticed that the ship’s capacitor system was highly modified, and t’was illegal. There was only one place the Stiletto could derive sufficient power, and that was from the brain of a bot.

Word spread of the illegal Stiletto, and a Tweeps alt named Cultural Center decided to invite Gripen for a FREE pod inspection, courtesy of Kalorned. Gripen eagerly accepted, as he was beginning to change his mind about not wanting those ships anyways.

To be continued….

***

SPECIAL REPORT, JAMES IS DEAD: The news has been spreading like wildfire. Our venerated Saviour has passed away, and gobloks are verily distraught. I have been told that a public funeral is currently scheduled for Thursday, July 23, at 23:00 in Halaima. Make sure to set your autopilot, and get ready for fireworks, lamentations, and a surprise appearance from the Saviourette herself! WoW! I am sure, if James were still with us, he would be most pleased with these festivities. 

Any new gankers, who wish to express their condolences, should immediately send one or twenty billion isk to the imperial quaestor of Goonswarm, Whadda Badasaz. He will ensure this money is used for the benefit of everyone. It has always been CODE. tradition that new gankers liquidate their assets as a sign of loyalty, and the funeral of James 315 is a perfect time to show full faith. Amen to that, and thank you Whadda!

Let us now hear from a miner:

That’s right! All miners are encouraged to begin moving their assets to Perimeter’s Tranquility Trading Tower, and bring their pods to Halaima. This is the event of the millennia, and you don’t want to miss it!

BONUS NEWS: When James 315 decided to relinquish all authority and lifeforce unto Princess Aiko, it was pretty clear he meant business. This wasn’t up for debate, and he issued an official memorandum.

For years, the succession was planned in meticulous detail, but it wasn’t merely a matter of bureaucratic reshuffling and the transfer of skill injectors, Overmind’s Orca, and a very special Stabber Fleet Issue. James wanted to ensure the peaceful transition of power. For this reason, he commissioned Alt 00 to paint an intimate portrait of the Princess Aiko, on the eve of her Ascendancy. In the classical Khanid style, this woodblock print shows the lovely Lady in her spidersilk kimono, contemplating the future of Highsec.