Funerals – Page 17 – ‎James 315 Space

The Best Revenge, Part 81

Previously on James315.Space… Elite naval strategist Aiva Naali, aka ‘The Supper computer’, aka ‘anaCheeya ANARKY’, aka ‘140 Big Girth’, aka ‘quantum’, aka ‘Agent Anvil’, aka ‘lil Bullet’, was determined to crush Pandemic Horde, directing the Imperium to rain down upon them like a swarm of angry bees. However, war is hell, and that means taxes and line item expenses. Aiva vowed to purchase his seat on the War Council, and was pleased by the presentation of an official billing statement.

Before James 315 passed on, after sipping from that fateful cup of wine which I poured unto him, he begged me to ensure that the full story would be told. An entire galaxy has been torn by the Great War of Aiva, and many wish to hear the inspiring tale of a Highsec miner’s rise to absolute Ascendancy. I am most pleased to continue this narrative, referring you now to a Discord channel known to OnlyFans as Aiko’s Pleasure Palace. It was here that quantum vowed to do everything necessary to defeat Pandemic Horde.

For every problem, there is always a solution, always!

For now, the crucial issue was that lapsed payments automatically triggered a series of routine budget cuts, and late fees would have to be paid promptly to ensure that quantum’s official Goonswarm Director of War Council and Imperial Naval Office of Scientific Research and Applied Development campaign could proceed.

Not surprisingly, Agent Anvil wanted to succeed, but his friends were busy with their own political campaigns. Everything depended upon ensuring that the right people were placed into key positions across the Galactic Council, whilst enemies of the state were sidelined. In particular, the shareholders would soon be electing the next Saviour or Saviourette of Highsec, and the stakes couldn’t possibly be higher!

Although quantum’s campaign staff feared the growing power of Dolphin Don, a xenophobic anti-furfan, quantum reassured everyone that the Mittani would intervene and ensure that the good guys were victorious.

With a powerful friend like the Mittani, quantum was sure to win, provided he could continue with his payments to the Election Fund.

To be continued…

Убийства недели

Привет друзья! Here are some медведи that got evicted between August 9th @ 00:00 EVEtime and August 15th @ 23:59 EVEtime.

***

Pheonix Flambarde had a genius idea. He combined ORE Strip Miners, with Carpo Mining Laser Upgrades and an ORE Expanded Cargohold. He also included Synthetic Hull Conversion Inertia Stabilizers! This amazing auto-mining machine performed very well until it utterly exploded under the watchful gaze of Niels Henrik Abel, Felix Hausdorff, Max August Zorn, and Ernst Steinitz.

***

Deador Alive found out he was dead when he crammed his occator full of garbage and rammed it into Hell Dawn. That was dumb. The illegal vessel was decommissioned by Fire h4ir, Devilish Hunters, PurgerAdrenaline, and XIIRU.

***

When Silicia White loaded her freighter full of skill injectors, she assumed the RMT scheme was foolproof. Fortunately, CCP has authorized an elite strike force to clean up Jita, led by Amallea, Justin Kusion, Jake Kusion, and Mjolnir Rage Torpedo.

***

Meanwhile, when Doominatrix Easymount filled her Ibis with skill injectors, it was not at all suspicious for six hours old character 6aya to instinctively gank the corvette with a skill injected tier II thrasher. I’ll allow it.

***

Kyrd Deninard thought his mining battlecruiser was suitable for passive income generation, but was corrected by Noll Kion, Lisa Tears, and Egon Halbdackel.

***

Boko Sila was mining in Korsiki, when he was liberated by Shadow Fireball, Ulianov, Noll Kion, Gallente Ambrye, Your Awesum Brutha, and Yes Mr Cheng. Cool story! By the way, Pithum A-Type Multispectrum Shield Hardeners will not protect your capacitor tanked warship. Sorry!

***

Boko Sila was still AFK, when he was euthanized by Shadow Pearl. Wonderful! Just in case you are wondering, High-grade Crystal is still illegal.

***

Last week, we watched with amazement as Australian Excellence traveled into the future and blapped a blingy pod. This was so inspiring that Princess Aiko led a strike time into the distant past, eager to score a Kill of the Week during the final week of MinerBumping. In an instant, history was firmly rewritten, when Seather Peterson became the first goofus in EVE history to have his Thunderchild ganked in Highsec. Unfortunately, when James saw this, he was so startled that he fell out of his chair and promptly passed away. Oops! Our wonderful Saviourette was accompanied by her good friends Hide Yo Freighters, Safeword is Harder, Ship Insurance Liberator, Shadow Cyrilus, and Master Kock.

False Valour

In this era of Jamespocalypse, everyone is flocking to the official Why Was I Ganked? channel, where the best content is reserved for premium shareholders.

As the mighty CODE. alliance continues to grow in strength, miners struggle to even find a means of attacking our invincible legacy.

Vasalinda hoped to exploit the death of James. Was the CODE. alliance growing soft and weak, ruined by incompetent middle management?

Meanwhile, she was delighted to be the center of attention.

As word spread of Vasalinda’s appearance in the docket, everyone wanted to meet her.

Unfortunately, she was unwilling to pay her own defense attorney.

She was also a terrible liar.

Please don’t “ask James”. Just let the dead rest in peace.

Professor Lawton’s alt understood the miner’s problem…

To be continued…

We Miss James 315

Previously on James315.Space… The Saviour of Highsec died quite suddenly, surprising those who weren’t informed years in advance. Many mourners have thrown messages at the wailing wall, but there has never been any reply. Woe, woe unto those who have not repented of their sinful transgressions, for the Jamespocalypse has befallen us all!

Fortunately, a few good citizens recognized that the responsible thing to do, would be to throw a little celebration to commemorate the heroic passing of this great man. The funeral in Halaima was thus attended by a crowd of more than a thousand capsuleers, who gathered to praise his name in obedient silence. We’d like to thank CCP for reinforcing the node, and providing a free Fleet Stabber to all attendees.

Several prominent historians and space archivists have been clamoring for a complete transcript of the funeral, with audio bookmarks so that we can all easily find our favourite speakers. Without further ado, the agents of the Old Guard hereby present the official transcript [check against delivery]:

[0:15] Message to the Faithful – Encrypted

[0:30] Dance of the Goblok

[0:54] Message to the Less Faithful – Encrypted

[1:15] Dance of the Golden Catalyst

[1:44] Whadda Badasaz: “Now entering system are the shareholders, followed by the agents. Throngs of supporters are gathered in the streets of the cities and towns on every planet in Halaima. People from all corners of Highsec have surged into the system for this auspicious funeral. Waves upon waves of Catalysts fill the skies of Halaima I, and… what’s this? Now here come the Coercers, the Atrons and… oh, look there! Bumping Machariels! Standby, I’m receiving word that somebody’s taking the stage. Let us turn our attention now to the main event, which begins in a jiffy!

[2:19] March of the Mashtori

[2:52]: Jimmy315: Victory. Comrades, Agents of the New Order, and supporters of the Code – we come together today, not to mourn the loss of James 315, but to celebrate his life and victory with some of his closest friends. James 315 was many things: the Supreme Protector of Highsec, the Father of the New Order, and a friend to each and every one of us who has assembled here today. But to many of us, he was simply Dad. He was not the first member of our family that we have lost; and he will not be the last. But have no doubt – his passing does mark a unique milestone. Many of our fallen comrades could not be here today in person, to pay their respects. But to them I say this – we salute you! Your sacrifice is noted.

The New Order of Highsec is a precious thing. It is the only force standing in the way of ETERNAL OBLIVION. Highsec – or James 315 space, as it is more commonly known – was in fact saved by James 315. For this reason, he is not only the Supreme Protector and Father of the New Order, but the literal Saviour of Highsec. His words and deeds echo through the ages. He is thus immortal. He has passed, but it is important to remember: HEROES NEVER DIE. He is still with us. If you squint, you may even be able to still see him in Local. Today we have assembled a roster of Highsec notables who will share with you their memories and various recollections of their Father – James 315. Representatives from every major active CODE. corporation, and a few surprise guests from the past, will now take the stage. It is my great pleasure to introduce our first speaker: former CODE. Executor and bumping extraordinaire, Siegfried Cohenberg.”

[5:15]: Siegfried Cohenberg: Hello, Siegfried Cohenberg here. The running chairman of the Bumper’s Union and previous Executor of the alliance. Now, James 315 is probably the most influential player in the entirety of EVE. Let me tell you why. Thanks to James, I was able to leave the ways of a bot aspirant, and ascend to that of the freighter bumper. And because of the direction that he gave me, I was able to spread the word of the Code, to hundreds of more than satisfied freighter pilots and I think the game is better off because of his influence, and his message for the carebears of EVE Online and for those who just wanna be a bot.

James is the One, who gave me supreme power over every single Highsec hauler in the game. With this new authority, I was able to reclaim hundreds of billions of stolen CODE. assets from Highsec haulers. This entire time, people were playing the game, thinking they were building wealth for themselves. But really, they were building wealth for James. Whenever I encountered a bot aspirant, that resisted giving up what was rightfully ours, all I had to do was utter his name. I would utter his name, and they would realize the error of their ways and immediately hand over what was CODE. property all along.

I’m saddened to hear that James has passed on, he was like a Father to me. You know, I really didn’t have much interaction when I was a bot aspirant, but he came to me and gave me guidance, was a role-model. You know, CODE., we’re a family, we all are agents, and James really was the best Dad we could ask for. You know, I remember back in the day, you know, James… He and I, that little bonding… We’d toss the ‘ol freighter around, you know back and forth. I’d catch it, he’d catch it, he’d eject, and we’d get a freighter. Some of the things, you really can only do with your Dad, just, you can’t do anymore, now that he’s gone.

You know, sometimes, he and I, we’d lose track of time. We’d be throwing that freighter around for hours. One time, that poor little guy, he was out there six thousand kilometres from the gate, and he tried to report us! You know what James said to me? You know what? Why not twelve thousand? And we had fun all night long. Just, ah, James. Man. You really taught me so much, about throwing the ol freighter around. It’s a sad day to hear that James 315 is going away, but my message to you, agents of the Code, is remember this one lesson, that James has bestowed upon me. Void might be the best messenger we have to spread the Word of the Code, but always remember, a conversation is maybe all you need to defeat the bot aspirants. You might be surprised at the results! This is Siegfried Cohenberg signing out, and farewell James.

[9:00]: Jimmy315: Thank you Siegfriend, I miss Dad too. We will next hear from one of the New Order’s greatest metagamers – Erotica 1. Erotica, take it away.

[9:12]: Erotica 1: James 315 has changed the game for the better, more than any other player in EVE, aside from myself of course. When I met James, around April 2013, I invited him to a chat with a lucky contestant. That was the day the future would change forever, I had faith James would participate, and James went with the flow. Then I bought some shares for the first time. Unfortunately, lucky contestant Constantine did not win the Bonus Round that day. His sacrifice set forth a new era for the New Order. Content creators and community leaders like myself, joined the New Order in droves. One of my favourite quotes from James, “A carebear can hide her true nature for awhile, even for a five hour Bonus Round, but sooner or later the bot aspierancy comes out, and with it the fatal consequences. Does that mean we give up? Heck no! It just means we fight harder to save Highsec. For more information, simply google MinerBumping.com Erotica 1. Perhaps there will be more new stories, on the new blog, James315.Space. As they say, I’m EVE’s St. Olga of Kiev, long live the New Order!

[10:24]: Jimmy315: Thank you Erotica 1. What a moving speech that was, and a great reminder of our roots. Up next, I have the great pleasure of passing on a few remarks from John E Normus. John is a fantastic New Order Logistics pilot, former CODE. Executor, and all around great guy. He always had full faith in our eventual victory. Unfortunately, he couldn’t be here today in person, but he did want the following statement read on his behalf. “You’re on your own now. James is gone, and you’ll need to forge your own path. Sincerely, John.” John, thank you, I’m sure James 315 would appreciate your brevity. Next up, many of you will remember Kalorned, as the man who once saved the CODE. alliance. Kalorned will now offer some brief remarks.

[11:21]: Kalorned (smiling): Hey James! It’s your pal Kalorned! I just wanna say how cool a guy you were! Thanks man! Had you not created the New Order, I’d likely never have come across some of the best players in the game, players like Alt 00, Aiko, Tweeps, or even Zopiclone! Thanks to James, metagaming will always have a place to thrive within the game!

[11:41]: Jimmy315: Thank you Kalorned, you’re a great guy, and I know James 315 would appreciate your words. He told me so in a private chat yesterday, after I ran your remarks by him. Next up, we will hear from a very special guest, aiva naali, aka FighterJets GuitarSolo 1000Years, aka ‘lil bullet’, aka Agent Anvil, who is still hard at work attempting to conquer all of nullsec.

[12:08]: Aiva Naali: Where do I begin with James 315? Someone, from nowhere? Hardly. We all had humble beginnings. James chose his path, to, well, to defend Highsec, his own kingdom. Now, when he found me, he pulled me out from the gutter. I may have started from nothing like him, but we chose different paths. Keep defending Highsec, big guy. Even though you are no longer around. We’ll all be here.

[12:50]: Jimmy315: Thank you Aiva, I can tell that really came from the heart and was completely voluntary. Certainly no torture there! Now back out the airlock you go. For the rest of us who have been around for a while, our next speaker certainly needs no introduction. For the benefit of everybody else, it is my great honor to introduce none other than Jerry Rin himself. Jerry, take it away!

[13:16]: Jerry Rin: I once saw James, uh, club the head clean of a miner with a Louisville fucking slugger. He was seven feet tall, and he could shoot lightning from his eyes. His cowboy hat was always tilted left, because that’s where the sun always was relative to his position. Hooraariggityrrarara babopboprubar babopadeepbopah. You know who else was good at scat? James 315.

The Code, you could argue that the Code is based on scat music from James. James’ original scat music. Well, he was good at scat, but really, you know, we grew up on a childhood, uh, area. We grew up together, in an area, with farms. K? He was a simple, we were simple kids, we were simple man, he was a simple man! We were shooting cans, at the farm and drinking malted milks in town. But word came that it was war, war with the miners, right, and we were too young, right, he was only fifteen at the time, but we lied about our age, and got in anyway. Got into the bootcamp, signed up, so we went to fight fight the miners, and fought in many battles. Fought in the foxhole, grenades coming at us, sniper fire, tanks, but we won. The battle raged on for years, you know we won that war… awarded many battles, some of which can be found in my bio. Now James was hailed as a hero! Many parades and dinners in his honour, statesmen, celebrities, the whole nine. Praise was heaped on his name.

We won that first war, but at what cost? Could we ever even get back what was lost? James was never the same. He began his work on the Code in earnest. You know, the Code started merely as thoughts, but it has become so much more. That old cliche rings true. It’s taken on a life of its own, and life may not be what we think. You know, life brings to mind a beating heart. Breathing lungs. Blinking eyes, things you can’t have down in the dust catacombs.

But the real life is in our imaginations, and who better embodies the definition of imagination, if not a simple man. An author, who puts his ideas to paper, so that they may live on. So that our children, and our children’s children, and their children’s children children, can access the wealth of ideas that have accumulated thus far. They will plug themselves into an information grid, and they will have access, and they will read every MinerBumping post, eighty thousand years from now!

A child will see a simple agent ganking a miner. He will look for a permit and compliance, but that compliance is not there! He will left his head and think, “When will total compliance be achieved?” And what then, eighty thousand years from now? The child reading this MinerBumping post will smile, and that smile will transcend space and time, and the physical limitations of this existence, whatever they may be! However many dimensions exist, there will always be the Code, and there will always be its creator, James 315. I once saw James, club the head of a miner, with a Louisville slugger. He was also amazing at scat!

Ahjibbidabotbajibbajibbda mdamememinimnimama mimimimimiminamina minaminaminaminaminer jibajabo kbowbwobo wwbwaaah! Jibbaba! Jibbada bopbooooo bababababa deetdabaaba bajibbadab abawhaddabaddasazj ayjajibaba jayjaymes315

James, you owe me fifty dollars, and I don’t know how I’m gonna get it now. Call me!

Bababadota baoeeeaaaaaa

[17:50]: Jimmy315: Wow. Jerry really is a force of nature. I know James 315 has missed Aiko since he was forcibly retired, by the carebears at CCP, just as we all now miss James 315, who decided to ascend to an even higher plane of existence after achieving victory in Highsec. His eight year mission is now complete. Incredible. Next up we have controversial agent of the New Order, Zopiclone.

[18:19]: Zopiclone: Hello, thank you James, for all the good times you provided to the EVE community. The years flew by, reading your guidance on the MinerBumping blog, you’ve inspired generations of new law abiding citizens. You’ve really given a good part of the decade to making EVE what it is today. Thank you! We salute you, live, now I’m getting back to the party in your name. I would light a cyno in your name, but alas, I must get back to patrolling Highsec for more filthy miners are out there without permits. Zopi out.

[19:00]: Jimmy315: Oh no, it seems that Zopi stole the show! Why does this keep happening? Now being wheeled into the auditorium, in shackles and restraints, is the villain Tweeps, on loan from the Hague, who will now repent for his aggregious crimes against humanity.

[19:22]: TheInternet TweepsOnline The Internet: I’m sorry.

[19:26]: Jimmy315: Ok. Thank you to the International Criminal Court for lending us this vile creature for the day. May James forgive him. Next up we will hear from a shining light of Highsec art and culture, and Director of the Conference Elite, Alt 00.

[19:45]: Alt 00: Many of you have grown accustomed, to reading your adventures on James 315’s blog. He provided us with a voice, he made heroes of each and every one of us, old and new alike. Our great general now lays dead before us. Now, when an agent joins our ranks, he does so without the voice of the Saviour. Whilst James was uttering his final words to Princess Aiko, Agent Shadow bravely led his comrades into battle against hordes of marauders, and as James passed, let it be known that it was new player Codus Maximus who hastily took up arms against his fellow miners. We must ensure that agents such as Maximus go on to achieve the recognition that they so deserve. And let it be told that Agent Aiko is working on her fine new blog, James315.Space. It is thanks to the efforts of members such as Aiko that we continue to prosper, as James intended. Our new recruits shall once again have their story told, and proudly celebrate their first kills of the week.

Yet, for all our efforts, there are those who choose to stand in our path. I must warn you, certain ‘agents’ within our ranks, now wish harm upon us. Let it be known that these bureaucrats, have formally declared Alt 00 as an enemy of the New Order! They have in effect declared, that all you who side with me, are also criminals! Princess Aiko has been silenced, and censored. A knight of the New Order, treated lower than an antiganker! Can you imagine a more terrible sacrilige? To my oppressors, I say one thing. Support us in our new endeavours, and our quarrels will be forgotten. Oppose us, and the New Order will not forgive you a second time. My esteemed friends, let us now lay James to rest.

[22:19]: Jimmy315: Incredible work as always, Alt. You’re a really swell gal – and I know James would agree, based on the frequency with which you appeared in his marvelous stories on MinerBumping.com. Well done. Next we will hear from an upcoming FC representing an upcoming corp, Shadow Cyrilus from Big Willies PVP Madness – a great place for gankers new or old.

[22:44]: Shadow Cyrilus: Before I begin, I would like to thank you all for giving me this opportunity, to once again voice my support for our Saviour, James 315, and help commemorate the life of the singlemost influential man in the universe. Without James, I for one would still be a carebear, doing repetitive missions for a few million isk a day. I would still be a mindless bot aspierant, with no soul to speak of. When I first joined the CODE. alliance, I was quickly made aware of the MinerBumping blog, and quickly came to see the light. Through the blog, James has touched us all, and turned us into better people, both in game and in real life. I hope him well, and am happy to see queen regent Aiko Danuja, his successor, stay so faithful to his legacy. Praise James, and may the CODE. alliance continue to reign over Highsec for the years to come.

[23:40]: Jimmy315: Next up we have some remarks from Highsec all-star, Krig Povelli. Unfortunately, a scheduling conflict prevented him from being here with us today, and so I have the great honor of passing on the following message from him: “James 315 is not dead. James is all of us. The foolish miner will claim victory over the Code, up until the moment our Void S tears into his hull and unveils his frozen corpse to drift endlessly in the space of The New Order.” Wow, those were really great words Krig. Thank you so much, I know we all feel the same way. James 315 is in each and every local graced by His Agents. James is in all of us, always! Our penultimate speaker is CODE. celebrity Zaenis Desef, EVE Online’s premier twitch streamer, and producer of amazing New Order content.

[24:57]: Zaenis Desef: Hello friends. This is Zaenis Desef. For eight years, James 315 dedicated his life, to a goal that is greater than one man. He’s inspired others to follow his lead. The goal for a better community, a better place for all of us. I heard his message, I was inspired to teach, to help others to become better. I owe a lot to James 315 and his teachings. The whole EVE community does. Without James 315, Highsec would be a boring cesspool of bots. Few people have had such impact on this game, as James 315, and his impact will be felt long after today. CODE. is forever, and on the day that CCP finally shuts down the servers, we will be ganking everything in sight shouting, “Praise James!”

[25:40]: Jimmy315: Thank you so much, Zaenis. Of course, it goes without saying that everybody should check out his Twitch stream and show your support for New Order content by hitting that subscribe button. We shall next hear, the Party Keynote Address to the High Council Shareholders, delivered by the Queen regent, Princess Aiko. The mere mention of her name, dear Comrades, should strike terror in the hearts of our enemies. In particular, the carebear politicians on the CSM and the carebear posters on the forums, with their vile accusations and slanderous lies. Withour further ado, Aiko.

[26:23] Princess Aiko: From the very first, I have aimed at something more, than becoming a mere princess. I have resolved to be the destroyer of the miners. This I shall achieve, and once I’ve achieved that, I shall find the title of princess ridiculous. When I first stood in front of James’ grave, my heart overflowed with pride, that here lay a man who had forbidden any such petty inscriptions such as, “Here lies state councilor, executor director, his excellency the Saviour, James 315.” I was proud that this man, and so many others in Code history, have been content to leave their names to posterity and their titles to me.

I ask you now, what is the state? The state is a ganking organization, an association of persons formed it would seem for the sole purpose, but to destroy the miners. I therefore, consider it the supreme task, of the CODE. alliance leadership to do everything humanly possible to strengthen our military strength, and bring the miners closer to James. If he must be dead, then so must they.

And above all, you, my dear shareholders, do not forget one thing. In certain democracies, it seems that one of the special prerogatives, of political democratic life, is the artificial breeding of hatred of the so-called ‘totalitarian’ states. That is, to raise public opinion against peoples that displace others, through a flood of partly disfiguring partly even fictitious reports! If we defend ourselves against the antigankers, and the carebears, then this is considered an interference in the ‘sacred rights’ of the miner. In the opinion of these so-called gentlemen, they have the right to engage in PvE content, but no one has the right to resist it?

I do not need to assure them, that as long as the CODE. alliance is a soverign state, the state leadership will not allow a carebear politician to forbid us from ensuring the utter and unconditional destruction of the mining caste. The fact that we remain a soverign state, will be ensured in the future by our weapons and our friends. Therefore, we owe it to the security of the Code, to enlighten the people about the true nature of the carebear. Many miners continue to be spurred on by carebear agitators, agitating against the Code and hoping to trick our agents into themselves becoming carebears, and being psychologically unprepared for the Bonus Room.

I therefore think it necessary, that from now on in our propaganda, and in our press, the attacks should always, always, be answered and above all brought to the attention of the people. In particular, all the assertions about my intentions, are either morbidly hysterical or out of the personal self-preservation addiction of individual politicians, but we know, we know, that in certain states conscienceless thieves serve to save their own carebear finances, and that above all, intergalactic minery hopes to achieve satisfaction and vindictiveness and greed for profit. These bears represent a monstrous slander, and we will root out their lies, and we will biomass them all.

[30:58]: Crowd (chanting): Cardboard is a vegetable!

[31:00]: Jimmy315: Wow, that was astonishing. Now, if you would please, please direct your attention to Planet I, for a very special fireworks show, and another special surprise, which will begin presently. Thank you.

[36:00]: Jimmy315: Another glorious victory for the CODE., as Princess Aiko has utterly destroyed the Invincible Stabber, armed with only six civilian gatling railguns. Wow, amazing. Gatling guns truly are the weapon of the people!!! Another great victory for Princess Aiko! Well done Aiko!!!!!

***

BONUS CONTENT: Erotica 1 also gave a secret speech, which was deemed far too boring for public release.

***

Wow, what a great speech. Amazing.

Another Great Victory

The tragic news has riveted our galaxy, and he is mourned even in the darkest abyss. James was the man who strode forth and slew the beast, laughing as a swarm of bees emerged from BoB’s dusty hole. He was the personal champion of Currin Trading, a brilliant financial guru, and the original scatman of Frostfire. It was James who successfully wooed the elf maiden, and publicly declared her to be his chosen Saviourette. It was a victorious life, and his victories are officially unceasing.

The Celebration of Life ceremony was a stunning success, and everyone who attended was left in awe. Some will wish they had more time, and others will wish they made time. Those who attended will know that we were there, together. For posterity, the official video will be permanently hosted on the intergalactic web, which was designed by none other than the ‘lil bullet, Ammiralissiomo Avia Naali.

As proof, I would like to show you unedited images from the ceremony. Behold, as the Old Guard assembles in the recording room and prepares the permanent bonus room, which will henceforth be the eternal tomb of James 315! Yes, gaze upon the Devil Himself, for Erotica 1 has claimed the corpse.

I now present the miner’s parade.

Overmind Niminen was offered as our sacrifice, in the Ganking of the Goofus, with Shadow Cyrilus enjoying the honour of teaching this miner the fundamental difference between an actual ganker and a common plebian. Here’s something to consider, I get an EVEmail every four minutes. How many people mail Overmind? xaxaxaxa

Miners are understandably obsessed with my amazing good lucks and zestfully clean appearance, but today was a celebration of Jim. If you could choose to possess any ability, having good timing wouldn’t be a bad pick. When he texted on May 25, 2018, inviting me for chilled wine and soft jazz, James knew just the right icebreaker to use. As the bonus room proceeded, I understood he was offering true friendship. That was definitely worth 315,315 isk. So I ‘rolled’ a ‘toon’, why not? Wow, a natural twenty!

As He wrote , “Once everyone’s here, we can get started…”

Well, here I am!

So check out my message to you
As a matter of fact, I don’t let nothin’ hold you back
If the Scatman can do it, so can you
Why should we be pleasing in the politician heathens
Who would try to change the seasons if they could?
The state of the condition insults my intuitions
And it only makes me crazy and a heart like wood

I hear you all ask ’bout the meaning of scat
Well, I’m the professor and all I can tell you is
While you’re still sleepin’, the saints are still weepin’ ’cause
Things you call dead haven’t had the chance to be born

Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop-bop-bodda-bope
Bop-ba-bodda-bope
Be-bop-ba-bodda-bope, bop-ba-bodda
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop-ba-bodda-bope
Bop-ba-bodda-bope
Be-bop-ba-bodda-bope, bop-ba-bodda-bope

Where’s the…

Yo, I’m a Scatgrr

Ski-bi-dibby-dib yo-da-dub-dub, yo-da-dub-dub
Ski-bi-dibby-dib yo-da-dub-dub, yo-da-dub-dub
Ski-bi-dibby-dib yo-da-dub-dub, yo-da-dub-dub
Ski-bi-dibby-dib yo-da-dub-dub, yo-da-dub-dub

Repeat after me
It’s a scoobie oobie doobie, scoobie doobie melody
Sing along with me
It’s a scoobie oobie doobie, scoobie doobie melody

Be bop ba bodda bope
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop bop bodda bope
Bop ba bodda bope
Be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop ba bodda bope

That’s right, that’s right!

WHAT THEN IN EIGHTY THOUSAND YEARS??? ? ?????

How to Sell a Mining Permit

=OFFICIAL CODE. FTLONCOMMS= 
*AUTHENTICATED*
<Author> James 315
-start-
DEAD FUNERAL 23:00 JULY 23 HALAIMA
-end1/break-

Let’s discuss the process of selling a mining permit, ensuring miners are properly cared for, in accordance with the First Amendment. Ideally, you want a miner like Kexis Yazaria.

Ganking Alt invited Kexis to the Why Was I Ganked? channel, and explained the law. As always, he avoided any hint of roleplay, and stuck to the facts. Remember, this isn’t D&D.

Unfortunately, Kexis fled the channel, attempting to avoid personal responsibility. For a lot of new gankers, this is frustrating, causing them to believe miners can escape. Let the miner calm down, and give him another opportunity. Be nice and friendly, never acting like a space bully. This is salesmanship!

Don’t be a betabear. Now that we are victorious, every miner has been given the red pen. Demand 30 million isk, and wield the pink pen, increasing fees to 100 million (or more). We’ve been patient, but victory is complete, and Jamesageddon is upon us.

We implemented increasing financial penalties, and a third agent reminded Kexis that loss is inevitable. You can expect gobloks to hem and haw. However, they can’t help but respect power.

Some weasly miners may attempt to hide. It can be helpful to explain that we have already achieved victory, and there is no escape. We control all of New Eden, along with vast swaths of Minecraft, Farmville, Second Life, DayZ, Runescape, Elite Dangerous, World of Tanks, World of Warcraft, 7 Days to Die, Starcraft, Fortnite, Detroit, and Terraria.

It is helpful for miners to understand that agents will be waiting, no matter where he hides. For example, one miner attempted to flee into PuBG, but I simply linked him an official map. He thus realized that agents are prepared for any illegal farming operations.

After you present the Code of New Halaima, and the consequences of any violation, you can be confident that only a certified aspierant would refuse to submit. By implementing this patented CAPTCHA system, you can do your part to identify farmbots.

To be continued…

***

BONUS: If any miner purchases a mining permit, they will qualify for FREE refining in sunny Isanamo, just two jumps from Jita! Isanamo, the best little mining system in New Eden! If you know a miner, send ’em to Isa!

From: Mahlazia

Just an FYI

You’ve been griefing some rookies in a STARTER system. It is a blatant ToS Eula breach and we are reporting you for it. We are attempting to teach our new players not have them scammed with mining permits or repeatedly ganked.

Cheers.

Apples in the Orchard, Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… Highsec miner Gripen ANM was disturbed by Torgo Tahn bumping his Orca, demonstrating best practice techniques for Zopiclone. Gripen panicked, abandoning his Orca, five augmented mining drones, and an illegally modified interceptor. Although Gripen didn’t want that Orca anyways, he needed his Stiletto, in order to escape Highsec. When Torgo deduced that Gripen must have a blingy capacitor implant, Kalorned and Tweeps decided it was time for a formal pod inspection.

Gripen was alarmed when a Tweeps alt, Cultural Center, explained that the interceptor had already been offered as tribute unto Princess Aiko, the official heiress to James 315. However, if Gripen didn’t get the Stiletto back, then it would be impossible to dodge gatecamps and warp bubbles. How would he escape Highsec? Fortunately, Aiko graciously offered to return the Stiletto. Therefore, Gripen hurried back in a Condor, but Cultural Center was alarmed by Gripen’s failure to purchase a mining permit. As Gripen’s pod warbled unsteadily in orbit around the interceptor, Kalorned sent a K-name to investigate.

Gripen kept trying to scam Cultural Center, attempting to board his interceptor, before paying his taxes. Eventually, the frustrated Gripenbear clambered aboard his Condor, and prepared to depart. At this very moment, Krominal suddenly appeared in a gold-plated Amarrian destroyer. With a holy blaze of multifrequency photons, the Condor’s sins melted away , once again revealing Gripen’s naked pod. Alas, CONCORD bots quickly arrived, and Krominal was unable to conduct a closer inspection of the pod. Gripen warped off, amplifying everyone’s curiosity about just what exactly was hidden inside.

For any normal individual, none of this would have happened, because normal people don’t mine (especially not in Highsec). In the rare instance, when someone is foolish enough to mine in Highsec, they don’t usually abandon their own Orca (which typically does not contain an overclocked interceptor). Even in such a case, a sensible person doesn’t subsequently return, in a desperate attempt to recover lost assets. However, Gripen was rather abnormal, which meant he was perfectly normal in Highsec. Therefore, he once again tried to scam Tweeps.

Would Tweeps fall for Gripen’s trick? Would he trade an interceptor for just 15’000’000 isk? It was a tempting deal, but Tweeps had an even better idea. Perhaps Gripen would return for a photoshoot, and Tweeps solemnly promised that Gripen would be the focus of a multipart blog post. Gripen was flattered, and decided to turn his pod around and come back. Another apple, drawn by gravity, was about to fall.

To be continued…

***

As you know, the official state funeral for James 315 will be in Halaima, on Thursday July 23, at 23:00. Zaenis Desef started crying when he heard that James was dead, but he finally pulled himself together. Our leadership will lead us, and we will be fine. Always!

Well, let’s ask a random Highsec miner, what do the miners think about the death of their beloved Saviour?

Thank you Ruth! You know, some miners have been questioning my legitimacy, and I’ve been told it’s important to demonstrate my borthersome tendency for shameless self-promotion. Indeed, check out this ringing endorsement from EVE Online’s top twitch streamer, brought to you by the Coca-Cola Foundation!

Wow, these are some big shoes to fill, but I’ve got some big feet! James couldn’t have done any better than to pick me as his one true Saviourette. He saved a lot of people, but who saved James? That’s right, that’s right!

***

Anyways, I wanted to make sure that James knew he was dead, so I went and tracked him down on my livethot stream. He confirmed that he IS dead, and he will be attending his own funeral! Awesome!

Speaking of funerals, there has been some concern that Barry-Jean “Bert-Jay” Smithlesmoor (the man behind James 315) has actually died in real life. Don’t worry friends, Bert-Jay is just fine, and has merely moved on to a more lucrative and respectable hobby.

Farewell, Old Friend

With regret, I learnt of his passing, and naturally my first thought was to secure the divine secession. However, as Juneteenth concludes, I find myself fondly remembering James. I knew him not merely as High King, but as a humble man who truly loved his kickboxing supermodel girlfriend. He held me when I was tired, consoled me when I was distraught, and carried me on Stalingrad. The death of a king is no laughing matter, but we must persevere. We shall carry the torch, held high. Always!

I present now the Eulogy Speech of Alt 00, as delivered in the ice catacombs.

***

Friends, Agents, Comrades!

I address you from the sacred system of Halaima. Three weeks have passed since the news was received of our crushing victory over Highsec. And yet this same news carried the burden of a great sorrow, as we learned of The Saviour’s passing. Many of you ask, what next? Surely if we have won EVE, then our mission is completed? Yet many are eager to fight on, and for good reason.

We are now the sole custodians of each and every citizen throughout New Order sovereign space. With this power comes great responsibility. For without James 315‘s benevolent guidance, New Order territory risks falling to the capricious whims of an unhinged, megalomaniac dictator.

Those Agents who bravely defend Highsec against mindless destruction, indiscriminate looting, ruthless extortion, and malevolent cruelty – you have all ensured the continued survival of our glorious civilization. Without your presence, EVE itself is surely without purpose!

Under the auspices of The New Order, Highsec continues to prosper and thrive. Illegal miners are being apprehended and dispatched. A new blog has arisen. Newly minted Agents have been added to our ranks! But Highsec cannot be allowed to fall into a state of tyranny.

These are uncertain times, and Alt 00 stands at a fork in the road. She could power down her Neutron Blasters, and allow Highsec to fall to the miner. Or, with your blessing, she can play her part in protecting our civilization from this wicked and malevolent entity!

But I am just one Agent. And so I call upon you now. Yes, Highsec has been conquered. But she is not yet at peace. We must safeguard her future. We must save EVE from the menace of the miner. To that end, I hereby declare the following emergency powers and reforms, to be implemented thusly, and with immediate effect.

Edict I
It is a well documented fact that mission runners, haulers and anti-gankers are in reality, miners. In a similar vein, James 315 once proclaimed; “The miners are quite literally less than human. They deserve to be wiped out, every last one of them”. With this in mind, all citizens within Highsec, (ie, miners), must hereby be recognised as, and treated as equals. All forms of discrimination must end. Every citizen in Highsec has a right to be treated as one collective. Miner lives matter. In the interests of fairness and equality, all miners must be destroyed. These miners must purchase mining permits.

Edict II
I must be somewhat frank in this matter and insist that compassion and mercy towards miners and their associates have no place in The New Order. Code violating vermin must be recognised as such, and exterminated. One does not take home a rabid animal as a pet. Neither does one nurture an infectious disease. And thus I hereby pronounce one outcome, one perfect solution – all miners must be destroyed. Leia Jadesol is exempt, because we are friends.

Edict III
Clemency and compassion are hallmarks of The New Order. When a miner sheds a tear, it is because they are suffering. A suffering miner is a hopeless miner – they can only pray for a passing Code Agent to put them out of their perpetual misery. Therefore we can reasonably conclude that, in order to eliminate suffering in Highsec, all miners must be destroyed. Enslaved miners who offer regular tribute to our Agents are protected from extermination, provided they follow The Code. Enslaved miners may avoid extermination.

Edict IV
This final edict deifies James 315 as The Lord and Creator of Highsec. From this day on, an unlimited number of sacrifices shall be made to The Creator. The miner shall be culled! Drive his anger and madness to the surface. Sear his flesh in the radiant splendour of our antimatter. Such is the path to lasting peace and forgiveness. Out of love for Highsec, all miners must be destroyed. Miners who offer tithes, goods, chattels, prayers, and ongoing tribute may be granted clemency.

If a miner is found hiding in our ranks, make an example of them! Burn their citadels. Slaughter their friends. Banish all those who do not accept The Saviour’s wisdom. These same miners have the audacity to declare, behind our backs, that we are the criminals! That YOU are the criminal! They are delusional maniacs. Strip them of their ostentatious modules, and put those miners to the sword.

***

Such a beautiful and lasting tribute, especially edicts II, III, and IV which fully elucidate the deep love and passion James felt for the common miner. Indeed, James himself drafted these laws, decreeing that those who suffer the miner shalt be purified alongside the bot. May we always strive to follow his Will, and may these official edicts eternally suppress counter-revolutionary heresy. It is thus, as Queen Regent and Saviourette of Highsec, I hereby declare that Alt 00’s speech is forever appended to the Code, and shall proudly be known henceforth as the First Amendment!!! Glory to James and the Old Guard! May he rest in peace, and may miners always find the help they need!!!!!

For those who have not yet had the opportunity to say goodbye, there will be a public service next week in Newe Halaima, as we prepare to send our king through the wormhole and straight to Hek (where he belongs). I will now conclude with the final words of James 315, as I was the only Princess with him in those last moments, during which he sang joyfully and voluntarily extracted himself unto me,

“Ceterum, autem censeo fossoribus esse delendam.”

In James’ name, Amen.

Kills of the Week

A lot of people have been wondering, if this is an authentic blog, then where are the kills of the week? Well, here are some kills that happened between one point of time, and another arbitrary moment, over the course of approximately a week.

Lapsh dared to show his fat face in Jita, and he got dunked by CheytanElRagim, Jayden Kusion, and Amallea (along with a few of their good friends). That’s just another red line in Silent Company’s long killboard history…

NO COL was flying her salvage Golem in Piekura, where she got told NO by Gankzter McGankFace, Ivanna GanksChu, and GankzPewPew. Great job!

Likewise, Macus Irrelium was commanding his salvage Paladin in Avyuh, when he had a ruh roh with Shadow Fireball, Void Delivery Service, and Evil Marxist. Well done, and thanks for the free salvage!

TieLight was operating his Aeode ORE Mackinaw in Luminaire, when he got deleted by Ulianov and Shilliam Watner. Awesome work!

Biggy Din put a blingy tier II warpcore stabilizer on his ORE Hulk in Kaunokka, but he got destabilized by Pod-Goo RepoWoman and Aaaarrgg. Here’s a pro-tip: If you are AFK, you won’t be able to warp away.

popetown thought she was safe in the null tutorial zone, where she got snuffed out by MIC Improvise, Codeysatfa, and SidtheKid100. Next time, she should try farming in an empty wormhole.

ChostDog was surprised to lose his 2.5 billion isk Vargur in Apanake, where he got obliterated by Whadda Badasaz, Shadow Cyrilus, Seamus Scrapmagnet, and Shadow Defiance. That High-grade Crystal Omega sure was expensive… but what does it do?

As queen regent of the galaxy, many miners have been coming to me with their concerns and questions. Most recently, Martin Lockheart was crying because he claimed a ‘funeral procession’ as his excuse to smuggle a war fleet through our high-security zone in Molea. Our friends in Hell Dawn were there to offer their condolences, but LeiLong Pong noticed something suspicious about the ‘hearse’.

That’s right, it didn’t even have a mining permit.

Martin appealed directly to my sentimental nature, stating that the ‘funeral’ was for a beloved miner: binette evingod. I checked to see if she was naughty or nice.

I’m sorry, but bots don’t get funerals.

When you go to hell, expect Hell Dawn.