Category: From The Source

Code Ready Gelhan: Season 2

Oh! Hello there, I didn’t see you come in. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is not important but this is the official website of the New Order of High Sec, a movement dedicated to restoring reason and dignity to the lives of highsec miners. You may be wondering where Princess Aiko is – haha, a fantastic question if I ever heard one!  Aiko is just sleeping in today, last night she was complaining about feeling flush in the face and mentioned she’d take the day off – I chalk it up to too much eggnog over the holidays.

Since Aiko is sleeping though I’ll take this opportunity to share a story with you, dear reader.  A long time ago, way back in 2017 in fact, the second longest ever-published story, 45 parts, Code Ready Gelhan began premiering on minerbumping.com, the former official website of the New Order of High Sec.

At the conclusion of that story many wondered what happened next? After all, somehow Mission Ready Mining saw a precipitous decline in membership shortly thereafter.  Reader, I’m prepared to now tell you the story of Code Ready Gelhan, Season 2.  Season 2 will be an exploration of the consequences of hubris, a story of betrayal, a story of alliances and kingmakers, but most of all it will be a story about Tweeps and Kalorned – you may remember them as two of the most time honored agents of The Code there ever was.

I do sincerely hope reader that you enjoy the coming season of Code Ready Gelhan.  Before we begin let me begin with some important context.

To be continued…

Highsec News

The latest breaking Highsec news. Read all about it!

Miner Khatoum was eager to attract subscribers, and what could be more exciting than watching his spaceship explode? Khatoum was so shocked, his hand hovered in space for a long time. He wasn’t especially mad at Nitetime Video, but let lose a string of f-bombs when he heard about a c-word princess.

Here’s a mining joke:

Haha, very funny miners.

In other news, Brisc Rubal doubled down on being utterly obtuse. 

Hellokittyonline made a reasonable request. Did you know, suspects can be attacked by anyone and everyone? Wouldn’t the game be more fun, if suspects could form fleets, and work together with friends? Is there any reason that they must always be alone? I remember, a long time ago, I thought neutral logi support was the dumbest thing. However, I didn’t realize that logi also went suspect, and could be attacked and killed. So how is that unfair play? It sounds like a great way to generate fleet content in Highsec.

Since I killed kitty’s Phantasm, I’m a credible source in regard to whether his playstyle is ‘overpowered’. Without CONCORD protection, he is exposed and vulnerable. Why shouldn’t suspects utilize remote support, what’s wrong with that? If you attack a suspect, you should be prepared to fight their friends.

I can’t imagine a more asinine response. Just in case you aren’t clear on the rules of this game, the suspect cannot engage a target UNLESS the target shoots them. By definition, suspects are only engaging targets that fight back.

I don’t think Brisc cares about Highsec. Should CCP delete it?

Before long, Brisc began insisting suspect baiters “never” lose ships, and he even claimed that I have only lost two ships. Ever.

It’s ok to say stupid things, but come on Brisc… you just jumped the shark. 

Brisc insists suspect baiting is bullying and griefing, unfair plane which should be nerfed out of existence. It’s ‘overpowered’ when Krig Povelli has a lone Nergal, and offers to simultaneously duel every other player in the game. Meanwhile, Brisc led a taskforce of three Nergals and dozens of assault frigates, to dunk a hapless procurer. You tell me? Who is actually attacking ships that can’t shoot back? 

Brisc claims to be an expert on ganking. He knows we ‘never’ lose, and never take fights unless we are 100% sure to win.

I’ll tell you what, I’ve seen a lot of ganks go wrong. I don’t know what 315 would call it, when my Catalyst explodes, and miners are laughing. I call it defeat. In fact, I’m never sure I’ll be able to kill a Venture. It might have shields, it might be moving, it might have antiganking support, and there’s faction police and CONCORD. Also, Catalysts cost money, and most ganks result in a net loss. However, Brisc believes I’ve only lost two spaceships, and I never lose. I wish I was as good as Brisc believes.

I wanted to know where Brisc developed his intimate understanding of ganking. Here I am, just a lowly CODE. princess, but the great Brisc Rubal is lecturing me on the ganking mindset. What does he know? How? 

Brisc has participated in 21 ganks. Wow!

Here’s what MiniLuv had to say about his participation.

It’s cool to disagree, and even be totally wrong, but seriously. Sometimes, it’s ok to admit that you don’t know what you are talking about.

 

We are killing it!

Every now and again, as the official Saviourette of the New Order, and High Queen Regent of Highsec, Princess Aiko wonders whether she is a good girl. Are we truly helping these poor miners, or are we just destroying their last barge, after they’ve already lost everything in real-life? Is it cruel to put them out of their misery?

Most carebears live in a nightmarish post-Soviet apocalyptic wasteland, where lights are constantly flickering, and they can barely stay logged in long enough to complete a single mining cycle. Is it wrong to euthanize them?

Of course, I am the heroin of Highsec. However, a few crabs believe I am evil, in real-life. They even use real-life cellphones to warn each other.

Most people see me as a fun sexy James 315, wearing a tiara whilst clubbing in Monaco. They watch me take shots of cranberry vodka, and adore my tight leather miniskirts. However, some conspiracy theorists claim that Aiko is a witch, spreading darkness throughout the galaxy. She might be cute, but she’s evil!

Yes, Aiko is a Princess, but she’s also one of those southern Italian stregas. A goomah with a villa in Naples, who goes on ‘business trips’ to Albania.

It’s ok to extort newbros in nullsec, but to do it in Highsec? Santo cielo!

Over on Facebook, there’s a lot of concern about what is happening. What will we do if all the Highsec miners quit, because of mean space bullies?

Apparently, we are killing it!

This is how it happens. An AFK miner returned to their computer, and realized they don’t enjoy EVE. Just like that, CCP lost another free to play ‘customer’.

It was one of those melodramatic Shakespearean deaths, where Fiona lingered on stage, slowly dying amidst the mockery of the audience.

Goodbye, Fiona. Thank you for your mining service.

I’m a winner!

Ciao!

 

 

 

 

Marbhadh na Seachdain

Here are some mathain, defeated between November 22 @ 00:00 and November 28 @ 23:59.

***

Direwolf2000 thought he could pick a scary name, and use an innocent looking Orca to smuggle a Hel blueprint through Uedama. However, Dolphin Don and Nitetime Video weren’t afraid of the big bad wolf.

***

Klorel Hakaari decided to fly another Hecate, directly against the North Wind. I don’t know who is coming up with these zany doctrines, but they are stupid.

***

Antiganking goofus Alice Blacktail also had a cunning plan. She fitted her Venture with green stuff, and patiently waited in the belt. She didn’t have to wait long, and Alleil Pollard dropped in for a quick chat. Afterward, Alice gloated in public, because she ‘killed’ Alleil. What a dummy dumdum!

***

Xrea Nefarious didn’t want to fly his battleship in Highsec, where evil ganker griefers might extirpate him, so he went into hiding. However, IllumuIll Estemaire and Celedion Warseraph found him in the Vale of the Silent. Killboard awarded them each 94 points, so it was a fair fight. No blobbery here!

***

Catalyst Jhonson 1 was happily mining in her Vindicator, when she encountered a real Catalyst. Unfortunately, her head was full of junk, and she died. Sad!

What About MinerBumping?

A lot of people have been wondering.

Perhaps, you noticed the old MinerBumping channel seems small, empty, and filled with dusty cobwebs. Frankly, James 315 doesn’t care about that channel. It’s dead to him. It’s dead to me. It’s dead to us. We are now well into the Jamespocalypse, so antiganking spammers are free to enjoy that channel’s utter lack of moderation.

It’s not the first time James has switched channels. I should know!

The New Order is not stagnant, and we have moved on to the promised channel of milk and honey. Here, we have our very own Princess.

Indeed, James prefers his new channel, Why Was I Ganked?

He endorsed it. It’s official.

It also poses a great question.

Did you really think James forgot about the miners?

Somehow, I know exactly what he wants.

The old channel served a purpose, once upon a time. However, it also encouraged stale repetition, docked up sycophancy, and cringy roleplay. Gankers squabbled over who is most beloved by James, and who is the true heir (or heiress?) to the ice throne. In stark contrast, the new channel leaves no room for doubt, with stimulating discussion on a pertinent topic. It’s more focused, and better moderated, for our strategic purposes.

Of course, by now, everyone knows about James and Aiko.

Some people just have it all backwards.

Regardless, our new channel is the perfect place to meet dead miners…

…and listen to their endless praise.

Meanwhile, we intend to kill the bears…

…and bring them to justice.

We can help them. We will save them.

It’s what James told me to do.

He made me your Saviourette (yours and yours).

He even taught me how to make a website.

I’m doing a pretty good job. Outstanding!

The diggers are starting to understand why I’m here.

They know what I bring to the table.

Oh boy, there’s a content train a’comin.

Choo! Choo!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shameless

Listening to: Renegades of Funk

Back when I was just a secretary, I often felt overwhelmed. Everybody wanted to talk with James, and so they would write me. More than one person assumed that I am James, because perhaps James is a beautiful young woman (who just loves killing miners). I don’t know, friend, I suppose it might be true.

What does this mean for the blog? Well, I can’t capture every nuance. The queue of unposted stuff is growing, and I’ll never be able to tell the full story. Regardless, we all know how it ends. The mighty CODE. alliance just keeps winning daily, because there’s absolutely no stopping an invincible juggernaut.

If you are a miner, there’s one thing you should understand.  We are coming to kill you, all of you. If you pay us, right now, we just might indulge your little mining fetish. We could even adopt you, as some kind of cute cuckold pet. However, you have been warned. We won’t tolerate any more excuses. This is not the time for debate, or negotiation. You will surrender and submit, or the New Order will extirpate you.

Carebears lead new players astray. They convince them CODE. is a joke, and James is permabanned, gone off to play World of Warcraft with his hot kickboxing girlfriend. They insist that nobody in CODE. has a clue what we are doing, and we are just docked-up roleplayers who eat paint chips. When a miner learns the hard truth, they are often rather upset, and nothing close to calm.

I’m truly sorry about that, but it’s gonna get even worse for you. If you thought losing a barge was bad, just wait until you get into a bigger ship.

They are notorious liars, and cannot be trusted.

Do not suffer the miner. The only appropriate response is to blast them with neutrons, before they can establish a nest. When I wake up in the morning, and I see little Ventures scurrying about, I do what any self-respecting woman would do. I scream, and then I clean house. For some reason, goofuses seem to like this, believing that they gain some financial benefit from systematic extermination.

I intend to biomass the mining caste. I made this clear in my coronation speech. Some crabs claim they can’t understand, because their speakers are trash, or they are partially deaf, and just can’t hear me over the roaring crowd. Let me explain. I’m not doing this for isk, or roleplay. I’m doing it because miners disgust me.

Gobloks often threaten to overthrow me.

I am not concerned about that. Their pathetic self-preservation addiction is nauseating, but it is hardly a threat unto me.

When I’m done with them, they’ll be begging for James.

There’s no shame in quitting.

I’ll help them all.

No matter how hard you try, you can’t stop us now
We’re the renegades of this time and age
Since the VCBees and the days of Jihadswarm
Right down through the Hulkageddon
New Eden kept going through changes
From a different solar system, many many galaxies away
We are the force of another creation
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Destroy all miners
Now renegades are the people
They change the course of history
Everyday people like you and me
We’re the renegades, we’re the people
With our own philosophies
We change the course of history
Everyday people like you and me
We’re poppin’, sockin’, rockin’ puttin’ a side of hip-hop
Because where we’re goin’ there ain’t no stoppin’
We’re teachers of the funk
And not of empty popping

 

 

 

 

A hard knock

OFFICIAL NEW ORDER ANNOUNCEMENT

As your Saviourette (yours, and yours), I am pleased to announce a promo contest.

I would never want my actions to conflict with the infallible judgment of James 315, so I cleared this with him via seance, and the ouija planchette pointed at me. I suspected that Kroppina was manipulating the board, but Alt 00 saw it move autonomously. This demonstrates that James truly loves me. I also sat for three hours in a dark room, watching a candle, and it flickered when I whispered his name. Once again, this confirms beyond doubt, that I am the one true heiress to anything and everything.

With great power comes great responsibility, and it is my duty to officially endorse this contest. James wouldn’t want us to merely sit in station, docked up and praising his name ad nauseam. He always detested sycophants, who need him to authorize each and every decision. Nor is he satisfied with those who merely undock and gank. He expects us to be civil, creating art and culture, beyond the bare minimum. I know this, because we are intimately mind melded, forever and ever. Amen.

I agree wholeheartedly. I have absolutely no interest in EVE Online, but I have every interest in the Order. This galaxy was once ruled by a fickle demon, the cheater BoB. James killed this beast, and a swarm of bees emerged from BoB’s dusty hole. In this way, the galaxy finally became interesting, and with the help of the VCBees (and a certain Khanid princess), James saved everyone from eternal boredom.

Once upon a time, Katia Sae decided to visit every star system, and took screenshots to document her journey. This sounds absolutely dreadful, mainly because Katia refused to engage in any actual gameplay. When other spaceships appeared, she would simply log out of her client, waiting for them to go away. In some cases, a stalemate would last weeks, and it took more than a decade for Katia to navigate her tiresome path. CCP likes to celebrate this ‘amazing’ journey, but it’s really just a testament to how incredibly boring EVE can be. Some players literally spend years doing nothing much.

Alani Prinz offers 315 Catalysts, to whomsoever submits the best photo. Since the rules are unclear, I will make them up as I please. Our contest will continue for at least one month, and there must be contestants. Images should be high resolution, and full screen. Furthermore, they must show someone doing something honorable, like piloting a Catalyst or dunking a Venture. As an example, Alani submitted this fine image.

***

Of course, a Saviourette’s work is never done.

Mrs Curtain is a plebeian of Hard Knocks, which rents several wormholes from me. When she accidentally fell out of her hole, Ernst kindly evicted her.

James would be proud, to know that Ernst is still out there, keeping Highsec safe from riffraff and vagrants. Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain did not appreciate his hard work. Instead of paying rent, she tried to scam him!

Ernst is no stranger to wormholes, and he sternly advised Mrs Curtain to speak with her feudal overlord. Educate yoself!

As you should know, Loroseco is a powerful friend in j-space.

If you ever get suspicious, that everyone in the galaxy is conspiring against you, well — they probably are (the exact same people).

Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain doubted the truth.

Someday, she will learn the hard way (again).

*WARNING*

Yonder day of judgment be nigh at hand!

 

 

 

 

 

100 Billion!

As your official Saviourette (yours, and yours), I am pleased to announce that the mighty CODE. alliance continues to win daily.

That’s right.

This is some high praise!

I’ll allow it.

I like when people pay me to endorse myself.

Tweeps has been funding the alliance for a long time.

I imagine she will continue.

I’d super hate to be on her blacklist. Tweeps has so many alts, like literally thousands. It would be nigh impossible to play EVE, against an enemy who can destroy an entire alliance, without even bothering to login. Fortunately, Tweeps likes the CODE. and that’s part of our secret recipe — we have powerful friends in Highsec.

When I first met Tweeps, people told me to be careful. They said she is a dangerous evil scammer, who would take everything I have. Actually, they had it all backwards. Tweeps is really great, and I’m also like totally invincible. Everyone should strive to be more like Tweeps, and send everything they have to me.

Tweeps celebrated her wise investment, donning a party hat of solid gold, inlaid with diamonds, rubies, emeralds, amethysts, and chunks of pure zydrine.

In the old days, James would tip his own hat, in honor of such tribute. As a Princess, I can offer a slight wave of my hand, and perhaps a little something extra.

As word spread, spontaneous celebration erupted within the sacred Minerbumping channel, where everyone loves me.

Of course, friend.

We also had a big party in Teamspeak.

Everyone was invited. Some people were afraid to come, because they are intimidated by a strong woman, but apparently Aiko is really nice. Everybody enjoyed the opportunity to mix and mingle with their Saviourette, discussing personal goals, and how the OHNO! treasury might benefit their corporation.

Praising spread through every channel in the galaxy.

We had a super swell time.

Eventually, all parties come to an end.

Let’s do it again!

I was trying to decide if I should buy a fifth Titan, and intervene in the war. However, Magalaus Shardani had a much better idea.

Let’s just kill the bears.

All of them.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

 

 

 

 

 

Big Deal

Listening to: Indestructible

I’m kinda like a big deal.

“You fucked up whore”

“You shit jew sympathizer.”

In any culture, or language, they know I am.

“Well it’s fun to have a Donald Trumpette in EVE Online”

They understand what I want.

“fuck you shit”

They’ve studied my law.

“We have to respect the CODE…”

“…and better purchase a mining permit.”

They have it memorized.

They can sense what I need.

They love what I do.

They can’t get enough.

I love it too!

I’m gonna give it to them.

They’ll just keep coming back for more.

James told me to never stop.

He wants me to continue.

Always, means always.

I’m your Saviourette (yours, and yours).

It’s not roleplay.

I’m just so perfect in every way.

That’s why James gave Highsec to me.

The CODE. belongs to me now.

So I’m gonna finish the job.

Welcome to the future.

I’m invincible.

That’s right.

Another time
To carry the colors again
My motivation
An oath I’ve sworn to defend
My true vocation
And now my unfortunate friend
You will discover
A war you’re unable to win
I’ll have you know
That I’ve become
Indestructible
Determination that is incorruptible
Annihilation will be unavoidable
Every broken enemy will know
Take a last look around while you’re alive
I’m an indestructible master of war
I carry out my orders
With not a regret
A permanent reminder
Of how we began
No hesitation
When I am commanding the strike
You need to know
That you’re in for the fight of your life
You will be shown
How I’ve become
A terror to behold

 

Moving On

Some people believe the CODE. alliance died years ago, when James 315 was permabanned. Others believe it died a few months ago, at the very moment James passed on. Still others believe it was dead from the start. However, readers of the blog know divine truth: James is far more powerful dead than alive. It also benefits me, so I’ll allow it.

Miners and plebs fixate upon the ‘Great War’, as my tributaries quarrel over the Delve, but they fail to understand this conflict began in Halaima (a peaceful mining system, near Jita). A true Princess never forgets.

Like, whatever!

Lewak began preaching a strange heresy. According to Lewakites, multiboxing is an evil sin, and Omega accounts are terribly unfair to poor alphas. All implants, no matter the type or purpose, are absolutely verboten. Meanwhile, Lewak glorified implanted multiboxing antigankers, who ‘enforce’ the CODE. upon the CODE. Lewak even began failganking on scouts, claiming that real gankers never use combat probes. We had a little disagreement, so I discussed this with Loyal, Globby, Tweeps, and Holdmybeer. They all asked the same question. “Who is Lewak?” Something had to be done, before the alliance was reduced to nothing but weird roleplayers! Praise James! 07

Actually, yes, I just might…

Fighting spread across Lonetrek, with fierce combat in Isanamo. Here, disgusting heretics were besieged inside an abandoned Nurtura warehouse, desperately scrounging for scraps of biomass and stale soylent wafers. Meanwhile, descending from Moon 21, spaceborne Khanid flametroopers rained hellfire upon their enemies. Neutron blasts scoured cities, as machine guns splattered bullets down narrow streets. The CODE. Civil War truely happened, and this permanently shifted the galactic balance of power.

 My, what a difference a year makes.

So, where do we go from here? 

Our vassals can squabble, but we’ve got business in Highsec, and the Summer Hole War is over. We know what to do, and our friends support us. We will simply apply a new litmus test, and this will root out all the closet bears.

PRAISE PRINCESS AIKO, SAVIOURETTE OF HIGHSEC,
AND HOLY EMPRESS OF CODE.

(pro tip: listen to the above on a permanent loop)

I recently discovered Lewak’s new mining alt corp, and confronted him her about his mining habit. Only someone with the honest integrity of a true Princess can defeat such treasonous minery. Indeed, she confessed to his illegal crimes, and (after praising me) was duly punished according to the laws of the Halaima Halama.

BEHOLD THE CONFESSION OF THE MINING TRAITOR

That’s right. Miners are liars. Always!

What a crab!