Category: From The Source

Today is September 10.

James 315, in his infinite wisdom, declared September 10 to be a special day, celebrating players who have been permanently banned. In some cases, of course, these bans were perhaps justified – in other cases, they most certainly were not. CCP has a long record of unclear policies, haphazard enforcement, and questionable decisions. We must remember that these players were, in many cases, decent people who had a positive impact on the game. Maybe they did something wrong, but don’t they deserve another chance?

loyalanon, even today, still ranks among the greatest EVE players ever. I’ve heard that he might have said something inappropriate in local. I wonder if they banned the miner who threatened to hack CCP servers, obtain my IP address, come over to my house, fuck me in the ass with a knife, and then cut off my head and masturbate into my brain? I’m just asking, because sometimes CCP enforces rules, and sometimes they don’t. Meanwhile, after all these years, loyal has changed for the better. He’s all grown up, a family man with a real job. He’s gotten good at Fortnite, and not bad at PUBG. He’s a nice guy, and a skilled gamer, so can’t we forget what he said all those years ago? I certainly can’t remember what he said, and I doubt anyone else can either.

Jerry Rin is one of the funniest, and friendliest people ever. I don’t know what you think Jerry did, but my research indicates that he was framed, by someone who deliberately conspired to get him banned. That’s not cool. When Jerry walks into the room, it’s like sparkles of energy just fill the sky. He’s always improvising and riffing on the most amazing beats. Dodixie is not the same without his infectious enthusiasm and upbeat energy. Today, Jerry works as a real-life Code Inspector, and he even won an award. Girls follow him around everywhere, giggling and laughing at his jokes. I do.

Fighter Jets GuitarSolo was cut down in the prime of his youth. A young lad from Nova Scotia, he grew up in a trailer park and struggled with demons. He murdered a man with an axe, and felt no remorse. Eventually, he found EVE Online, and his life changed. Suddenly, he was hosting his own game show, and he felt like he was a zillion megamiles tall. Then CCP came along, and he was gone forever. A little bird told me that he called a lesbian a lesbian. He didn’t mean anything by that, he just meant that she was a lesbian in-game, and she happened to be a lesbian in real-life. Oops! Today, Fighter Jets works as a professor of national security studies at Harvard, and he is a serial axe murderer.

D400 is one of the coolest people around, except just not in EVE Online. When he grew up, he didn’t know anything but his native Sami traditions, and he often wondered about the vast southern lands, where the sun appears in the sky each and every day. During the long nights, which lasted many months, he did his best to shoot empty shuttles. He was admittedly a space bully griefer, costing the miners tens of thousands of isk. I’m going to be completely honest with you, as I always am. D400 was banned because someone invited him to a chatroom. When you have someone in EVE set to a contact standing, good or bad, you automatically accept the invite. He wasn’t even at his computer, but his character was in the wrong chatroom, at the wrong time. D400 wasn’t banned for being associated with someone who may have done something wrong, he was banned simply because CCP doesn’t care if anyone actually did anything wrong. Today, D400 is homeless and struggling to find firewood. It’s cold, he has frostbite, and he ate a cat.

Erotica 1 was a weird dude, who loved to meet weird miners. Some people say that he did grotesque things, like ask miners to smear peanut butter across their chest. I’ve seen the photo, and it wasn’t even cringy, it was just dumb. In fact, Erotica never asked for that photo, but the miner decided all on his own to send the unrequested image. There was no torture! Meanwhile, Dolphin Don got temporarily banned for 3 days after sending a photo of someone with a cactus up their butt, but Erotica got permanently banned for a peanut butter photo, a little karaoke, and some white knights who exaggerated the horror of an audio recording which doesn’t even exist anymore. Last summer, Erotica asked me to marry him, and I politely declined. However, I see no reason he should be banned from EVE Online. Today he works as the director of a multilevel marketing solutions enterprise, selling cryptocurrency IPO offerings in the Cayman Islands.

Helicity Boson, concubine of the Sheikh and the mother of Hulkageddon, lives in wartorn Europe. It was hard for Helicity, growing up in a place where people don’t speak English, but she managed to pull herself together and started trading tulips. This allowed her to purchase a potato, and she built a small computer, with which she began to travel through outerspace. Unfortunately, her journey came to a sudden halt after she committed real-life cybercrimes, hacking into CCP computers to steal internal corporate data, and telling CCP devs that they should all be burned alive in real-life. Shortly after being permabanned, Helicity was permanently unbanned, when it became clear that she was right. Today, Helicity enjoys posting pictures of roleplaying dice on Twitter.

I’m not sure if Globby is banned or not, but I’m pretty sure he is. Globby went to Fanfest and was sexually assaulted by the Mittani. This left him feeling confused, and he poured his heart and soul into EVE Online. He invented the miracle of hyperdunking, which many beta orbiters have subsequently failed to emulate. I’ve met some of the greatest minds in the galaxy, but Globby has a special genetic disorder which allows him to overcome game mechanics. He’s the most nerfed player in EVE history, and he is being stalked by Matterall. Today, Globby is hiding out in Cambodia, living on his pension from the Los Angeles Police Department’s prestigious bomb squad. In his spare time, he enjoys volunteering for DolphinFacts, the #1 toll free 800 hotline for fun dolphin facts.

Brisc Rubal dedicated his life to maritime law, bribing congressman to guarantee dolphin fishing rights for benevolent international non-governmental organizations controlled by mysterious benefactors (namely, the Rockefellers and the Rothschilds). This made him rich beyond his wildest dreams, and he proceeded to invest everything into Keepstars. One day, CCP banned him, with clear proof that he did something wrong. Just when I decided that he must have done something wrong, they unbanned him and said it was all a big mistake. My lawyers have advised me to support Brisc, and to be quite honest, he shows up to gank in Uedama… so he can’t be that bad. 

Kelroth is a miner, idiot, and cokehead all rolled into one. The most fun I ever had in EVE Online was partying with Kelroth and taking all his money, but I know he has a lot more. Kelroth swipes his credit card like nobody else. His wife got so mad that she ran away and we had a torrid affair in Toledo. Unfortunately, just when Kelroth agreed to make me his financial advisor, CCP banned him for being an absolute moron. The Vancouver Police Department is now investigating Kelroth for financial crimes, but I just want my money. CCP needs to unban Kelroth so he can continue playing EVE, which for him basically involves sending me everything he has. CCPlease.

James 315, a newbro who was eager to explore New Eden, was permanently banned because of his egregious abuse of the new player experience. He was shocked and stunned, unsure what to do. After a few days, CCP unbanned him, because it turns out they made a mistake. They didn’t even apologize. Later, James was permabanned a second time, and then unbanned. Eventually, James got lucky and met a nice girl, who was actually a witch. They got married, but he died quite suddenly, leaving everything to his grieving widow. Fortunately, he is still alive in game, but in real life he is deceased.

Recently, Grey Ignis told me that his bio was arbitrarily removed because of some nerdy puns about things going in and out.

Grey is a real lady’s man, he just likes to get us girls all hot and bothered with subtle innuendo. However, some grumpy incel reported him, and now CCP has decided to punish him. They erased his bio, and isn’t even sure what was particularly offensive. Of course, it’s their game and they can do what they want. However, it’s weird how they overreact to one thing, and just ignore another. Ya know?

I don’t think CCP should turn EVE Online into a whiteknight friendly PG13 theme park. The graphic content of EVE Online, with its elite PvP and angry Chinese bots threatening to rain nuclear hellfire upon the United States, is what makes it such an engaging experience. Nobody actually wants to play Monopoly, because it’s a boring terrible game, but it’s fun to get drunk and listen to a temper tantrum. That’s what makes EVE enjoyable, because without such compelling characters as Dickcumpeniscock Pussyinvader, we just can’t immerse ourselves into the roleplay of a dystopian future.

Villains, who offend social norms, allow us to have heroes.

I urge everyone to spend this September 10 thinking about how EVE is better with banned players, who provide engaging content and meaningful gameplay. I’m sure that shitface MCshit, Faggorio Naggerius Twats, DickSuckinLips, and Penisfarts are actually decent people in real-life, so CCP should calm down and let players enjoy their game. Meanwhile, when we look back at the “terrible” things allegedly done in the past, we should remember the context of EVE Online. This is literally a game (and a company) which has embraced Faggot Task Force, the Ballsack Flickers corporation, Dickbutt Anonymous, and every possible variant of Adolf Hitler.