CCP – Page 15 – ‎James 315 Space

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #219

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #1
Highsec Miner Grab Bag #218

Oh boy, I love Grab Bag time.

It’s always fun.

Some miners like animals.

Some bears just don’t care.

They do, but they don’t.

Doblauks know what will happen, and they just accept it. Such miners are like Seligman’s dogs, exposed to prolonged electrical torture, and they will never escape their learned helplessness. They have become NPC bots.

Jean Mira‘s killboard is a museum of CODE. history. I’ve ganked him several times, and just about everybody dunked him.

Ah, the memories…

Some things just never change.

I’ve always been super popular.

Hi!

I sincerely want to help.

I know what crabs want.

I’m a beautiful woman…

…and a true Princess, fair and just.

I’m also super hot…

…and soo cute.

James loves me so much.

Everybody loves me…

…and I love their attention…

…which they love to give.

I totally deserve a trophy, right?

I’m the best!

=FAKE NEWS ALERT=

Imperium News recently published a terrible article on ganking. Unfortunately, Jurius Doctor didn’t do his homework. I was there when Jurius watched a Bowhead die. He spoke with the miner, but didn’t talk to us? What a lazy journalist!

“When does griefing go too far and start hurting the livelihood and growth prospects of a game?”

I’m not going to waste time, with a point-by-point rebuttal of this inane article, but the author makes a lot of ignorant claims and erroneous assumptions. Did you know that ganking is just a roleplay outlet for rookie griefers? Did you know that mining permits aren’t necessary? Did you know that Goonswarm is way better at ganking, for some mysterious reason? Did you know that ‘Goonswarm’ has recently been able to muster large fleets, with more than ninety gankers? Jurius clearly has no idea what is going on.

“The reason for this is numbers… GSF is able to field ships in numbers.”

Jurius concludes that Goonswarm should seek to earn isk by ganking, but it’s too easy, so freighters should have twice as many hitpoints!

“Just EHP buff the shit out of haulers, transport vessels, and freighters…”

What a goofus!

“…so that the markets don’t entirely buckle, while presenting a tougher nut to crack for those who want high-sec PVP.”

I interviewed the big strong alpha males, with whom I have an intimate relationship, and here is what they had to say about Jurius’ article.

A hard knock

OFFICIAL NEW ORDER ANNOUNCEMENT

As your Saviourette (yours, and yours), I am pleased to announce a promo contest.

I would never want my actions to conflict with the infallible judgment of James 315, so I cleared this with him via seance, and the ouija planchette pointed at me. I suspected that Kroppina was manipulating the board, but Alt 00 saw it move autonomously. This demonstrates that James truly loves me. I also sat for three hours in a dark room, watching a candle, and it flickered when I whispered his name. Once again, this confirms beyond doubt, that I am the one true heiress to anything and everything.

With great power comes great responsibility, and it is my duty to officially endorse this contest. James wouldn’t want us to merely sit in station, docked up and praising his name ad nauseam. He always detested sycophants, who need him to authorize each and every decision. Nor is he satisfied with those who merely undock and gank. He expects us to be civil, creating art and culture, beyond the bare minimum. I know this, because we are intimately mind melded, forever and ever. Amen.

I agree wholeheartedly. I have absolutely no interest in EVE Online, but I have every interest in the Order. This galaxy was once ruled by a fickle demon, the cheater BoB. James killed this beast, and a swarm of bees emerged from BoB’s dusty hole. In this way, the galaxy finally became interesting, and with the help of the VCBees (and a certain Khanid princess), James saved everyone from eternal boredom.

Once upon a time, Katia Sae decided to visit every star system, and took screenshots to document her journey. This sounds absolutely dreadful, mainly because Katia refused to engage in any actual gameplay. When other spaceships appeared, she would simply log out of her client, waiting for them to go away. In some cases, a stalemate would last weeks, and it took more than a decade for Katia to navigate her tiresome path. CCP likes to celebrate this ‘amazing’ journey, but it’s really just a testament to how incredibly boring EVE can be. Some players literally spend years doing nothing much.

Alani Prinz offers 315 Catalysts, to whomsoever submits the best photo. Since the rules are unclear, I will make them up as I please. Our contest will continue for at least one month, and there must be contestants. Images should be high resolution, and full screen. Furthermore, they must show someone doing something honorable, like piloting a Catalyst or dunking a Venture. As an example, Alani submitted this fine image.

***

Of course, a Saviourette’s work is never done.

Mrs Curtain is a plebeian of Hard Knocks, which rents several wormholes from me. When she accidentally fell out of her hole, Ernst kindly evicted her.

James would be proud, to know that Ernst is still out there, keeping Highsec safe from riffraff and vagrants. Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain did not appreciate his hard work. Instead of paying rent, she tried to scam him!

Ernst is no stranger to wormholes, and he sternly advised Mrs Curtain to speak with her feudal overlord. Educate yoself!

As you should know, Loroseco is a powerful friend in j-space.

If you ever get suspicious, that everyone in the galaxy is conspiring against you, well — they probably are (the exact same people).

Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain doubted the truth.

Someday, she will learn the hard way (again).

*WARNING*

Yonder day of judgment be nigh at hand!

Welcome to EVE

I’m not really sure how Vashda became stuck in my web, but I was summoned to Twitch, and found him reading with gusto.

Vashda seems to appreciate Princess Aiko.

He was impressed by my resume…

…and acknowledges the New Order as EVE Online’s most elite guild.

He sincerely values our glorious culture.

He understands our sassy attitude.

Vashda knows exactly what Princess Aiko wants.

Check out his stream, where he intends to continue livestreaming the blog.

They claim that we grief newbros, but with just one day in EVE, Vashda was proud to accept an offer to join my glorious alliance. I’m quite happy to save him from boredom, and once you go CODE, there is no other road.

I’m the best recruiter in CODE. history.

Meanwhile, my Why Was I Ganked? channel remains the galactic epicentre.

It’s a great place to make friends and practice typing.

Some miners struggle to make a good first impression.

Many of them are just happy to meet a nice Lady.

They are often surprised to die in Highsec.

Of course, I’m super scared of lowsec.

Just kidding, it’s a lot easier without CONCORD interference.

Sir Jecht was PvP’d before he even reached lowsec.

***

=BREAKING NEWS=

Purgo has announced another glorious victory. This esteemed agent of the New Order is the first person in history to confiscate an illegal sanguine harvester. These are so new, that killboard doesn’t even have a picture for them. It reminds me of how I was the first person to gank a Thunderchild. Regardless, CCP can feel free to continue adding pointless garbage, and we will take out the trash.

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #218

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #217

Some people think the purpose of this blog, is to showcase the tearful cries of Highsec miners. More accurately, this blog exists to tell the truth, and the facts are clear. A lot of people love the CODE. Of course they do!

I haven’t finished discussing the battle of Nalvula, but when I clarified that we have powerful friends in lowsec, nullsec, and spooky j-space… well, I wasn’t bluffing. It’s true, we are the most powerful coalition in the galaxy. You might be a crusty crab, mocking gankers, but that umbrella you depend on – those are CODE. titans, friend. Oh, did we not arrive in time? So sorry, you died! Seriously, how come nobody will help, when those nasty cloaky campers are hunting you? Hm. I wonder why? Well, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. James isn’t actually dead. He’s on his main, and a lot of alts.

While he is away, James wants me to domesticate the miners.

Indeed, they are desperate to please their queen regent.

I’ll allow it. I’ll even buy your stuff for free.

Of course, some gobloks seem upset about something.

“Fuck you, bastard! You yourself are bot!”

“You stupid bastard fuck you”

Bears love to communicate…

…although they aren’t very smart.

They think I’m cute, and love the official New Order hairstyle.

I like the attention.

I like my friends even more.

I enjoy killing dolbauks.

They are gross.

Let’s kill them all!

“I FUCK YOUR KIND, YOUR JAMES 315 FUCK DEAD ASCKES, YOU FUCKING CUM DIRTY DRESSFUCKING, ABOMINATION YOU ALL SUCK DUCK TV PUBLIC TOILETS You are a fucking filthy son, you are such a huya in life, they don’t take you on the panel, so go suck in public toilets there you belong hey you are a fucking nasty whore I’m not Ukrainian let them fuck your mouth, but I fucked your family, and everything that is connected with you with gross filth, a cocksucking whore went to the cost of a creature FUCKING SLUT THAT FUCK AND WILL FUCK ALL DIRTY ANIMALS, GO AND SELL YOUR HOLES FURTHER, I’M NOT A URANIAN, YOU ARE A FUCKING HOLY LOST CREATURE AND IN THIS, I AM SURE
FUCK YOU AND YOUR CORPORATION OF PIDARAS AND PROSTITUTES AND YOUR WHOLE SHIT ALLIANCE TOGETHER WITH THE MAIN SLUT JAMS WHO SUCKS EVERYBODY, FUCKING LOST SCROOM I FUCKED YOUR KIND”

Yet, I’m the one who gets warned?

BONUS VIDEO: Imagine being an antiganker!

Don’t be Mean

My venerated Why Was I Ganked? channel is dedicated to helping miners understand why everybody wants them dead. I could tell you it’s all because of James 315, and his wonderful blog, but James knew a deeper source.

People have been shooting Highsec miners from the beginning, when my Imperial Guards first claimed Halaima and the Greater Lonetrek. One evening, in Second Life, I met with James, Helicity, Karttoon, and the Sheikh. We became kindred spirits, mutually inspired by ancient tradition. More than twenty thousand years ago, the Spartan ephors declared an always war upon hapless helots. This established a fundamental law. The haves must exterminate the have naughts. Their villages must be burnt, their trees shall be uprooted, and their heads will be piled into neatly organized pyramids. إِنْ شَاءَ ٱللَّٰهُ‎

aphreshmc just didn’t get it. It often confuses miners, when we patiently explain why they were punished for illicit mining. They cry out in vain, gnashing their teeth, “But I wasn’t mining!” Just calm down miners, you are guilty.

Miners have endless excuses.

aphreshmc had been arrested in Obanen, where he was found adrift within an asteroid belt, orbiting the stormy sixth planet. PRO TIP: A ‘speed tank’ is only effective when you are actually moving. No loitering!

It has been observed that EVE is boring, spreadsheets in space, and not for everyone. As aphreshmc’s eyes fluttered, his subconscious instinctively resigned itself to death. It was an internal coup. His brain recoiled against bot aspirancy, and went on strike, refusing to participate in a mindless repetitive PvE grind.

aphreshmc was disappointed. What was the point of playing a game that you can’t even sleep through? He just hated the idea that he might actually have to try and pay attention. Meanwhile, Sargon of Amerish patiently explained that aphreshmc’s undocking rights were rescinded, until further notice.

~~aphreshmc~~ Pedro didn’t like this. He wanted to fight, but didn’t have a ship.

The notion of personal responsibility was utterly foreign.

~~Pedro~~ ~~braysn~~ jill sputtered, with a corrupt vocabulary.

Polish Assassin reminded jill of ~~his~~ her own família.

This was a trigger.

Her Jackdaw was gone forever.

Her wife was gone forever.

What to do?

Hey, it’s never too late to embrace Gay Pride!

***

DEEP THOUGHTS

Should EVE become a spaceship theme park, with CCP catering to AFK carebear tourists? Have you ever wanted to lazily traverse a videogame galaxy, admiring tens of thousands of uniquely identical planets? If this sounds great, Voets Toets is hoping you will chime in with support for his proposal!

Voets wants a ‘tourist race’ which enjoys a five minute invulnerability, whenever another player targets their ship. All new players will be automatically enrolled as tourists, and they can remain tourists forever, freely enjoying all the PvE content they desire. What a brilliant idea! I can’t think of any objections.

To Stupid, Part 3

To Stupid, Part 1

When the Saviourette happens to be a beautiful young woman, miners take notice. They like what they see, but don’t like what it means for their wallet.

Previously, in James 315 Space, Alt 00 was concerned about a troublesome miner. Naturally, I understood right away, what she was dealing with. It’s just not easy being a lady. Female gankers have to work twice as hard, both dunking the foolish miners and simultaneously fending off their amorous advances.

Adrien Naline still doesn’t understand why Alt won’t put out.

He makes her uncomfortable, not just in-game, but in real life. It is disturbing to realize that someone is fantasizing about mining your mouth. It’s even more alarming when you notice that multiple men share this same obsession.

We try to be polite, but miners constantly push our boundaries.

We only want their money, and assets. That’s it! There is no need for unsolicited poems, rambling mails, and invitations to visit San Diego.

This just continues, year after year…

CCP protects carebear mining autists, but the CSM is a bastion of toxic masculinity, and the angels of Highsec endure endless abuse.

Adrien yearns to abduct Alt 00.

Like ~~most stalkers~~ all miners, he is mentally unstable.

Fortunately, us girls know exactly how to deal with men.

Of course, they often respond inappropriately to rejection.

Ginger Ale907 posted an offensive image, which was not censored.

View the scandalous image, at your discretion!

CCP just doesn’t care, but even Adrien was shocked.

The other miners didn’t understand…

… but Adrien is starting to get it.

Gankers don’t date miners.

Doden van de Week.

Kills of the Week Before

Here are some Highsec draagt, extirpated between September 20 @ 00:00 EVEtime and September 27 @ 05:51 EVEtime.

***

I’m not really sure what is going on down in Bagodan, but apparently they are having a winter storm. Adam Feng missed the severe weather advisory, and jumped directly into a cluster of ice tornadoes. If you don’t know who killed Adam, then you probably haven’t been paying attention, have you? Here’s a pro tip: if you want your ship to have more hitpoints, then maybe consider welding some steel plates to the hull.

***

When Ulianov and GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM were informed that shareholders approved a funding grant from the Official Holy New Order Treasury, they knew it was important to ensure the money was wisely invested. Instead of some convoluted carebear production plan, they ignored the market altogether, and just went straight for the K0enig. A 3000% return on investment is nothing to be ashamed of.

***

Gobloks like to write in the forums, chiding Princess Aiko, because she is afraid to PvP. I confess. I’m a little embarrassed, because it’s absolutely true, I’m so frightened by ships that shoot back. Eep! Hey, I never claimed to be the best ganker in the galaxy, I’m just the cutest! Recently, Gallente Citizen I and First Gallente Citizen showed me how to kill Caberwolfe’s cargo Loki. What was I scared of?

***

The new leader of Goonswarm, Emperor Avia Naali, aka Destroyer of Worlds, asked me to shut down Pandemic Horde’s Highsec mining programme. We were having some difficulty catching all those little Ventures, but eventually we discovered how they move the ore. I contacted my friends, Don Purple and MrDiao — we got the job done. Miners ask where we get our ships from, well… now you know!

***

I don’t really use implants, because I’d be ashamed for James to discover that he married a mindless bot, so I’m not really sure what all these chips do. Did you know there is something called a Nirvana Omega? I guess it makes you feel really good, but Lenya Nazgul recently discovered that there are some serious side effects, when she was disconnected from the main server. Symptoms of withdrawal include reduced self-esteem, depression, irritation, and myocardial infarction. Fortunately, Moustached Slimy Worm and Unluckyy were there to help Lenya calm down. I’m sure she will recover.

***

BONUS: Market Tycoon is the New Order’s leading expert on EVE Online’s farming experience. What are the most effective means to maximize your income, without risking isk or having to do anything at all? Market recommends that crabs head to the Abyss, because CCP encourages mindless gameplay.

Europa Aiko

Back in July, someone filed a botting report, and an elite CODE. taskforce was promptly assembled. I probably should have screenshotted the original allegation, but it was just the usual condemnation of minery. Fortunately, I did preserve a damning surveillance photo, submitted as compelling evidence of illicit botting.

I presume the original Reddit post was deleted, because Redditors are weak. They mean well, but lack courage and faith. The carebear poster was horrified, when he learnt what he wrought. He wrongly believed he was reporting a bot, but (in fact) Li Gazer was human. Nevertheless, bot aspirancy is also a capital offense.

Ernst Steinitz challenged Li to an honorable 1v1 duel, and was surprised when Li employed a questionable mining doctrine. Of course, Ernst is a real sportsman, and made sure to offer a friendly “good fight” in local. Handshake!

The carnage was astounding.

Surprise! Li is an evil warlock, and it was his 65th birthday.

Somehow, Princess Aiko always manages to make herself the center of attention. How does she do it? Well, as James 315 famously explained:

ALWAYS

To be continued…

***

FUTURE GOALS: Some people feel CCP is biased against the mighty CODE. alliance. During a recent ‘livestream’ discussion of upcoming nonse, I certainly felt rather slighted. As soon as I praised James, literally immediately, I was muted! It was almost like they had a bot, scanning for such content. Meanwhile, miners were allowed to repeatedly type “Fuck CCP. CCP fucking hates miners. Another fucking shitty change to Highsec.” They cried over and over, yet CCP saw no reason to mute their foul words. So it appears that CCP doesn’t like us, but maybe they just don’t want miners to know how much they love us, because they sure don’t seem to like carebears either.

CCP has an upcoming goal, which makes me think they just might adore their little Princess. Indeed, is she not CCP’s Saviourette?

I’m here to help!

To Stupid, Part 2

Previously, in James315.space... Adrien Naline is a filthy boor, who has spent years stalking and sexually harassing Alt 00. She repeatedly declined his advances, and yet he continues to violate her boundaries, because he is a disgusting pig.

EVE Online is best known as a friendly family game, where laggy spaceships slowly explode in glitchy fireballs, much like the three supercarriers my mom lost in Querious. However, there is a seedy underside to the game, and you may be shocked to learn that uncivilized Highsec miners frequently abuse their angelic caretakers.

Alt 00 is often disappointed by Adrien’s toxic behaviour.

Recently, Adrien was inspired by a lovely portrait of Princess Aiko.

However, he soon realized that Aiko is a staunch feminist.

Adrien panicked, as the CODE. alliance is now a mighty matriarchy.

As a weak man, Adrien felt sorely diminished by the rise of a strong woman.

Oppressed by alpha females, Adrien saw only one way to regain his masculinity.

CCP bans CODE. agents for the slightest indiscretion, but takes no action against vile miners. Have you ever noticed this? As Alt 00 was pondering such hypocrisy, she was pleased to watch the passage of Aiko’s entourage.

Adrien was filled with passion, desperately trying to kiss Alt 00.

Other miners urged Alt 00 to lower herself to the depths of depravity.

It was a typical day in Highsec.

To be continued…

The Best Revenge, Part 85

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… His grand excellency, aiva naali, aka 140, aka Kingpin, aka the Caravaneer, has been skyrocketing to super stardom. It’s always a total mindtrip, when you officially become leader of the most powerful alliance in the galaxy. I can only imagine how he must feel, to find himself standing astride the shoulders of giants. Indeed, aiva’s name is already engraved in the Hall of Heroes, alongside his esteemed peers: James 315, Leia Jadesol, Zaenis Desef, Kanye North, and the Mittani. Unfortunately, when his laptop suddenly exploded, everything came to a screeching halt.

Fortunately, via his cellphone, Agent Anvil, aka the nullsec nomad, was still able to access the official Goonswarm High Command discord.