Yesterday, in James 315 space, we examined how a Highsec mining corporation attempted to ‘corner’ the Catalyst market. Today, we announce that Princess Aiko has convinced Scooby Snacks Corp to continue their scheme.
If you are invested in Catalyst futures, this is good news. At press time, our Jita analyst reports prices already approaching the January 29 peak.
How many Catalysts can YOU manufacture and sell?
Two years ago, Scooby Snacks Corp attempted to bribe Aiko, with a gift of 3200 Catalysts in return for a ‘sweetheart’ deal. alazarr and alts have now decided to terminate the alliance, and intend to buy their Catalysts back at any cost.
You may recall the Great Catalyst Panic of 2019, when alazarr attempted a similar scheme, before giving up and handing the Catalysts to Aiko. We can only hope that a similar outcome presents itself, as alazarr vows to invest 7 trillion isk.
Ernst Steinitz heard disturbing rumors, emanating from the belt.
After a thorough investigation, the rumormonger was apprehended.
Pix Severus has also been placing containers.
I hope Pix is still placing containers. I’d like to see more of them.
Did you ever play agar.io? I was talking with Krig Povelli, and we agreed that EVE Online is basically the exact same game. You go around eating little mining dots, and it’s funny when carebear blobs explode.
There’s a lot of funny stories, I can’t possibly tell them all. Like the time antiganking Satanist Winky Winkers666 was defeated by empty pods in Uedama. Apparently, he accidentally shot a new ganker, and CONCORD jumped in to help the newbro.
Oof, I’m tired. I wanna tell you about Globby though.
Globby is one of the best players in the game, and when I heard Goonswarm was beset by carebear hordes, I agreed to let him save the Delve. Here, like the Marquis d’Lafayette, he teaches nullbears about the CODE. Globby’s great victory in the battle of 5-CQDA will long be remembered as a turning point in the history of EVE.
Previously in James 315 Space…suki lost a Mackinaw, and paid 100 million isk to get it back. Maybe it exploded, but perhaps it dropped as a lootable item? Princess Aiko is a nice lady, so suki paid twice, and bought an Orca for another 100 million. He also paid 30 million plus 10 million plus 30 million. He did it again (and again).
Even antigankers stand in awe of me, and well they should. EVE is a game, like Monopoly. Except, when I visit your Boardwalk hotel, you will pay me for the privilege of my presence. Also, why don’t you hand over those blue cards, thank you!
Back when I invented isk quintupling, I understood the importance of a solid telemarketing script. Once you bring the client into a money funnel, you don’t want them to escape. I eventually realized you don’t need to return any isk at all. Just keep being honest, and calmly explain the terms and conditions. You will quintuple your money in no time! Suki owed me 100 million isk. He also owed 30 million isk for shipping and handling. Oops. I typoed. He actually owes me 40 million isk. Why did he only send 10 million more? Shipping and handling is 70 million, so he just needs to pay 30 million!
It’s ok to improvise and innovate. Jerry Rin might be dead and gone, forever and ever, but Aiko is here to save you. Just listen closely and understand. Shabba wabba doo wat do wat. 10 million? 30 million? 40 million? 50 million? 100 million? Just send me all your isk, just send it all to me, and I’ll spend it on myself.
Did you ever wonder how Aiko got so space rich?
I’m soooo good at EVE. I’ll let my assistant take over.
Oh boy, suki is about to get his Mackinaw and an Orca!
I even helped out antiganker Talivaldis.
Sometimes, I make it rain.
10 million isk for a mining permit? Haha, I think we can do a bit better.
Alas, poor suki was bankrupt – or was he just lying?
He paid Talivaldis twice, then he paid me thrice more.
I just need (another) 100 million!
We aren’t done suki. There’s no escaping the spider queen’s web!
I love to suck men dry, and they kinda enjoy it.
To be continued…
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BONUS: Newbro PartTimeJerk got dunked in his Venture. Three times, according to zKillboard. EVE would be boring without the CODE.
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DOUBLE BONUS: I sure do love shooting bot Ventures!
Previously in James 315 Space… In Star Trek, there is an alternate opposite universe, where everyone good is evil, and everyone evil is good. In this bizarro dimension, James 315 is a space Maoist, who yearns to be the Servitor of Highsec. Instead of successfully ganking illegal miners, Absolute Order agents prefer to failgank innocent Catalysts.
Yes Mr Cheng was minding his business, when his alter ego opened fire with a Caracal Navy Issue. Krase Stolkar didn’t do any damage, but he proceeded with Absolute Order protocol, declaring a backwards victory. There was a method to this madness. While Mr Cheng was laughing, Krase smuggled an entire Orca through Isanamo!
When Sargon noted that he has a killright, Krase wasn’t amused.
The following day, Krase decided it was time to write an essay.
Krase is a tycoon.
He isn’t upset about his Caracal.
In real life, Krase has a Haas Super Mini Mill.
That’s a BIG machine.
I hope to learn more about the renewed adventures of Governor Lee, and his merry band of Absolute plebs.
Oh James, I love you so much. All those years I worked as your personal secretary, skittering between office and armory, steering a wide berth around the rowdy barracks, and barely finding time to grab a cucumber from the mess. I didn’t do it for the money, or the fame, but just for you, my Saviour. Those bitter jellybears said I was sleeping my way to the top, but you know how chaste I am. All I wanted was to do my duty, unto my Lord. Even a Princess must serve the New Order, to the best of her ability, such is the law!
I always, always, knew I was destined to inherit Amarr, along with the Minmatar and Ammatar vassaldoms, plus the entirety of the Khanid March, with the Bleak and the Delvian slums, and all those lonely stars which have no name. I was content with that, so when you asked me to be your little Princess, I really had no desire to remain far from home. However, I kind of like being the one true Saviourette of the Order. Of course, the Great Khan Garkeh was delighted to learn his daughter has inherited the Caldari State, the Gallente Federation, and the endless Northern Waste.
It’s been so long since I’ve been able to go home, to Agil III. I miss the sight of a magnetostorm, as it ripples through the methane clouds. I yearn for my hundred ton robotank, with those beautiful particle projection cannons. I want to bring hot cranberry vodka for the infantry, and help them cook Mindflood in the ruins of some old shrine. Living amongst the greedy northern barbarians has really been quite a culture shock, but I confess, you saved me from a dismal fate. Without you, I would have wound up commanding some garrison on the Kamela front, where I might have died of boredom.
Killing people, just to drink their brain goo, that’s normal for us southern girls. They call us blood raiders, but let’s be real, I’m just a simple space vampire. As you might imagine, the Caldari cult of Halaima was utterly alien to me. Bumping people for money? What?! Why don’t we just kill them all? If they pay enough, we can crucify them on a cross of gold! My father despised Gallente terrorists, but you had the divine wisdom to turn Catalysts and Talosi into the very building blocks of our mighty civilization. I don’t know how you did it, but you did, and this is why I praise your name every 15 minutes of each particular day — as required by the sacred laws of the Halama.
Recently, I was super annoyed. This catty miner had the nerve to say I should be killing more miners! Oh really?! I told my friends about this, and we all had a good laugh. Then Zigam and Julian made a little video, which definitely cheered me up. Julian even has his own Youtube channel, and I can tell he doesn’t like carebear plebs!
Anyways, ever since you died, I’ve been praying for a miracle. I’m sure you will undock another Ishtar. Right? We can hunt Orcas together, like old times, and maybe even save the Delve (again)! However, I don’t suppose that’s likely to happen. So I’ll keep trying to kill these miners, as best I can, and hope to see you soon.
She could never know what it’s like My blood, like winter, freezes just like ice And there’s a cold, lonely light that shines from me And did you think this girl could never win? Well look at me, I’m a-coming back again
Once I never coulda hoped to win You started down the road, leaving me here The threats she made were meant to cut me down And if our love was just a circus, you’d be a clown by now You know I’m still standing better than I ever did
So don’t just fade away
Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did?
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a true princess And I’m still standing after all this time I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah) I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah) I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah) I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah) I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah) I’m still standing
Praise James, forever and ever, and pray he will grant upon us his divine blessing, so that we might obliterate our enemies with an endless barrage from which they shalt know our mercy! We must destroy their fleets, and then Khanid will show them the glorious strength of our Army!
Sargon of Amerish has made an amazing triptych, depicting the current state of Highsec and the mighty CODE. alliance. On the left, you can see a goofus antiganker, lagging behind the lovely Princess Aiko (with her trusty submachine gun). On the right, Khanid flametroopers disembark, to help miners see the light. Above them all, James 315 watches from his throne in the Heavens. He is dead, as he has officially confirmed, so that makes him a God King. Right? James flies my spaceship! Amazing!!!
Hahaha, silly antigankers, failing daily!
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Is this just propaganda? Is the New Order actually dead and gone? It’s hard to say, but let’s check out the killboard, and search for clues. Here are some ਰਿੱਛ, that were stomped on between October 25 @ 00:00 and October 31 @ 23:59.
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MrUnique Android was a bot, but he was our bot. He was blue to the Imperium, and a proud member of the Goonswarm Federation. However, he decided to betray his fellow Delvians, and left the alliance. As this coward attempted to flee the battlefield, he was caught and summarily executed. Kudos to our glorious heroes: Gallente Citizen I, Yes Mr Cheng, Chad Thundercaulk, Katrl, and uninstall 05.
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Filo Crendraven wanted to be a fleet commander, so he jumped into a command ship and set sail for somewhere. Unfortunately, he ran his ship unto the neutron blasted shores of Uedama. There, he met a better fleet commanded by Alleil Pollard, Jason Kusion, and Joseph John Thomson. Good fight!
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Sant1aga Shadi was a member of Silent Company, and went down in flames. Here’s a pro tip: Hillbilly-2000 is a great ganker!
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D33XX3R heard that CODE. doesn’t shoot ships that can shoot back. He studied Never_C0nvicted‘s double web Kentucky Vindi fit, and prepared to invade Highsec. A few seconds later, D33XX3R was D34D. The usual crowd was there to watch, but everyone was surprised by who got top damage.
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John N8fall was just a typical Highsec miner, hauling garbage around in his trashmobile. Fortunately, The Highsec Goddess (that’s me) was on duty. What is even happening these days? Is antiganking still a thing, or did they all just give up?
Maybe the antigankers are demoralized?
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Marti Tachibana went AFK in her cheap Corax, and woke up to Hell Dawn. Even though her High-grade Amulet Epsilon granted a +4 bonus to Charisma, this wasn’t enough to charm her way out of CODE. compliance.
