Category: Agents

Pay Your Rent

Every now and again, a new returning player will come to EVE, and they will decide to be a whale. They pay CCP a bunch of money, and CCP is happy to accept, because they know the New Order is here to balance the budget.

When James 315 made me the official executor of the mighty CODE. alliance, passing mechanical control into my dainty palms, he had one request, “Kill the miners. Kill them all. I don’t care if they are a two-day old noob Venture, or a Marshal, I want you to burn them out and utterly destroy them. That is my Will, and you are my little Sword of Restoration.” Well, I didn’t feel my dizzy self was up to it, but when the Supreme Protector gives you a direct order, you don’t sit around questioning His wisdom!

I was in a tizzy, unsure how to proceed, but people like Cargo Bandit heard my siren’s cry. They materialized out of abyssal space, ready and able to enforce the CODE. One glance at pokoko, and Cargo knew what to do.

It’s not easy dealing with miners. They lie, cheat, and try to scam us at every opportunity. pokoko didn’t want to pay 20 billion isk for her mining permit, even though it was offered at a fair and reasonable market rate.

pokoko joined my invincible Why Was I Ganked? channel, watching with uncertainty, wondering if permits and rental contracts are actually a valid part of EVE gameplay. However, as Blake McAllister of the honorable New Order Mining Authority conducted business, pokoko could see this is all routine. Unfortunately, pokoko is a tight-fisted Scrooge, and she roleplayed as a despicable poor.

Cargo knows how much I love the miners, just as James always did, and she mercifully offered a generous discount rate.

pokoko decided to play hardball, but Cargo offered a clear warning.

This got pokoko thinking. Maybe citizenship is desirable?

A valid CODE. mining permit guarantees safety in nullsec, lowsec, and jsec, and it also ensures absolute immunity across the entirety of Highsec!

pokoko could see the New Order is bustling, and the clock was ticking…

To be continued…

***

BONUS: The Saviour of Highsec is now a sexy Saviourette, and everyone has been wanting to show their unconditional love and support. Minerbitch thought long and hard, concluding that you should add SIMP 4 AIKO emojis to your Discord server. For one billion isk, you can have your very own submission tag.

After reviewing around one hundred variants, I finally settled upon my personal preference, which has a nice outline.

I like the attention. It makes James jealous.

I’n drink

This bonus room just got out of control, and I’m sitting here finishing a bottle of cranberry vodka, not really sure what to write.

People have been submitting quality content, and I want to write something, but that would also require me to sober up and actually do my job.

One of my favourite blog topics is myself.

I also kinda like Guybertini.

I don’t mind sharing this sacred space with others. Last night, I went on a sleazy date with some loser, and he was trying to get the details on what exactly I write about. I explained that people from all over the world write gibberish, and all their insane hatemail gets sent to me. I’m the disorganized center of the universe.

I checked out Twitch, and invited a streamer to my award-winning Why Was I Ganked? channel. It’s obviously the best channel in the galaxy. Like, hello? This nullbear was concerned that CODE. ganks hapless noobs, but when I dunked on a nineteen day-old Venture, even he had to admit this is amusing.

Let’s just face the facts, ok? James 315 put me on a pedestal, which confirms him as the coolest man in the history of EVE…

… and I’m just happy to help.

I love shooting miners.

They totes deserve it!

So, like, I’m not gonna stop.

I’m just getting started.

 

Europa Aiko, Part 2

Listening to: Sundown

Europe Aiko, Part 1

I feel like the galaxy revolves around me. My mom says I’m just a spoiled brat. The therapist says I’m a narcissistic sociopath, with underlying psychopathies. The grumpy bears claim that I’m a lawful evil space bully, and the police insist that I’m no longer allowed to dollar double at Wal-Mart. However, Li Gazer could tell that I’m a true Princess, a verified Lady of Agil. Li01 Gazer also saw the good in me, and so did Li02 Gazer, Li03 Gazer, Li04 Gazer, Li05 Gazer, Li06 Gazer, Li07 Gazer, Li08 Gazer, Li09 Gazer, Li10, Li10 Gazer, Li11 Gazer, CoverAgent, and MiFreightergirl.

We threw a surprise 65th birthday party for Li, a real-life Wiccan warlock, and leader of the all-star Mining Witches for World Peace. It was a lot of fun.

At first, MiFreightergirl thought we forgot about Li’s birthday.

Consequently, our initial encounter was a little awkward…

… nothing that couldn’t be resolved by a friendly chat.

All the space lawyers agree. This is required, by law.

Mi eventually calmed down.

So we got Li & the Mining Witches into Teamspeak.

At first, Li tried to scam us.

However, we soon developed an understanding.

I’m a nice girl, a Princess actually, in real-life. When I gave him Daddy’s phone number, Li consulted Google, and confirmed that I definitely am heir apparent to Savoia and the entire Hapsburg realm. I already knew this, of course, but Li was pleasantly surprised to meet a real-life Lady. His tone and demeanor immediately changed, after Lisa Tears described all the charity work that I support with my prestigious Oxford Fund. For the first time, Li understood the awesome power of the CODE.

Li was no longer a bitter old man, swearing and cursing. Instead, he was transformed, and felt young again. I naturally sang the Happy Birthday song, and then Li enjoyed some traditional karaoke, gleefully singing Bombs over Baghdad and about fifty-five other songs. I’m pretty sure he was drinking, as he began openly fantasizing about a beautiful woman who plays EVE naked, wearing only a tiara. My goodness! He really seemed to like the idea, almost as much as he liked the idea of multiboxing rorquals.

There was magic in the air, as Li held an official Wiccan séance. He cast a white spell of invulnerability upon me, solemnly summoning the magnets of the north, east, south, and west. Everyone witnessed Aiko become invincible, and thus it was time to transfer everything to James 315, because that’s how these things are done.

James 315 is the most trustworthy man in EVE.

Li was having a great time, headed straight to the Delve. On the way, he needed to make a quick stop at Aiko’s Tranquility Trading Tower, located in beautiful Perimeter. Li was duly impressed, when he saw my private space station.

It took a while, but each and every Li had their moment of glory.

One by one, they enlisted in the mighty Goonswarm Federation.

Even MiFreightergirl agreed to go ‘over there’.

In a game like EVE, friendship is truly overpowered.

As I played my lute, the Libots hopped into a biomass grinder.

On a whim, Li sold his soul, for a new Rorqual main.

I’ll see you in 1DQ, friend.

***

Dumb miner, you better take care
If I find you been creepin round my asteroids
You can see me lyin back in my satin dress
In a room where I do what ya don’t believe

When I get feelin better, when I’m feelin no pain
When I feel like I’m winnin, and I’m winnin again
I’ve been lookin like a queen in a carebear dream
I can picture every move that a man could make
Getting lost in my lovin is your first mistake
And I don’t always say what I really mean

I’m a hard lovin woman, and I’m feelin mean
If I find you been creepin round my asteroids
Sometimes, I think it’s a shame
Sometimes, I think it’s a sin

***

 

To Stupid, Part 3

To Stupid, Part 1

When the Saviourette happens to be a beautiful young woman, miners take notice. They like what they see, but don’t like what it means for their wallet.

Previously, in James 315 Space, Alt 00 was concerned about a troublesome miner. Naturally, I understood right away, what she was dealing with. It’s just not easy being a lady. Female gankers have to work twice as hard, both dunking the foolish miners and simultaneously fending off their amorous advances.

Adrien Naline still doesn’t understand why Alt won’t put out.

He makes her uncomfortable, not just in-game, but in real life. It is disturbing to realize that someone is fantasizing about mining your mouth. It’s even more alarming when you notice that multiple men share this same obsession.

We try to be polite, but miners constantly push our boundaries.

We only want their money, and assets. That’s it! There is no need for unsolicited poems, rambling mails, and invitations to visit San Diego. 

This just continues, year after year…

CCP protects carebear mining autists, but the CSM is a bastion of toxic masculinity, and the angels of Highsec endure endless abuse.

Adrien yearns to abduct Alt 00.

Like most stalkers all miners, he is mentally unstable.

Fortunately, us girls know exactly how to deal with men.

Of course, they often respond inappropriately to rejection.

Ginger Ale907 posted an offensive image, which was not censored.

View the scandalous image, at your discretion!

CCP just doesn’t care, but even Adrien was shocked.

The other miners didn’t understand…

… but Adrien is starting to get it.

Gankers don’t date miners.

The Best Revenge, Part 87

The Best Revenge Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James315.Space… Emperor avia naali, aka aiva naali, aka the Suppercomputer, was quarantined in Goonswarm’s Fuehrerbunker. Here, he was protected by Princess Aiko, and kept safe from Dolphin Don’s tweepsy Pandemic tentacles. He was also assisted by a friendly Slackbot, an automated farming system designed to keep avia fully informed of important news and developing events.

It wasn’t clear whether Fraternity was planning a haymaker offensive, or a mere tactical assault, but Slackbot had faith that Globby’s successor would understand how to deal with Goonswarm’s restless enemies.

As avia explained, channeling Sun Tzu, there are two methods of defending on a system size scale. You might dance around, warping here and there, until the enemy is bored to death. On the other hand, you can dock up, until they start pounding on Keepstars. Subsequently, you should chase them away! In either scenario, Slackbot advises regular hand-washing, to avoid ingesting germs and detrius.

A man of the people, avia would often pause to acknowledge the heroic efforts of common line members, praising them in his Message of the Day.

From time to time, Emperor avia, aka Agent Anvil, would read MinerBumping.com, where he noticed that the propaganda department was infringing upon matters of operational security. Therefore, he ordered Aiko to bop James 315.

Indeed, considering how many Keepstars and faction Fortizars have been lost, it is clear that James made a grievous blunder. Why didn’t he coordinate the message with his favourite ‘lil bullet? Now you understand why I had to bop James, as avia’s own theorycrafting has been turned against the mighty Federation!

avia enjoyed taunting his arch-nemesis, Pan Fam Joe, the lead theorycrafter for Pandemic Horde. At times, he would also deride CSM Sort Dragon. However, perhaps the goading went too far, as Pan Fam Joe and CSM Sort Dragon began to fill TEST executor Vily’s silly blonde head with thoughts of mutiny.

Many people believe that avia did not anticipate Vily’s treachery, but the archives show that avia expected TEST to cancel the non-aggression pact. Vily begged everyone to “please ignore” her mobilization, but avia saw through the deception. Indeed, in early May, the Kingpin began preparing for a two-front war against both Pandemic Horde and TEST. Praise be upon Emperor avia!

It is only through avia’s leadership, and restructuring of the Delve superhighway (with displaced renter ghettos), that we managed to halt the enemy and prepare our Great Counteroffensive. Verily, avia has full faith.

Vily is a robotic double traitor, and must be humiliated!

In order to crush Vily, avia developed the now famous fit tree design doctrine. As you know, class 1c ships form the bulwark of our line, supplemented by class1c1 long range and class1cs short range vessels. Meanwhile, class2c fit fast attack ships harass the enemy, distracting them from advancing class 3c sledge hammers. Behind enemy lines, class 4c fangs conduct unrestricted submarine warfare, whilst class 5 c mage battles provide field engineer /support. In reserve, to keep enemy titans at bay, class 1u ballquals are deployed to encumpis the hive. If James wasn’t forcibly retired, he probably would have revealed this doctrine prematurely, but we can now confirm that it caught Vily by surprise! Sources report that she is truly HUMILIATED by our glorious fit tree design fleet. 

Of course, no doctrine is complete without a few trick fits…

To be continued..

Rudokop Forever, Part 9

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James315.Space… Adrian Vexier upset Soviet goblok Rudokop Forever, who sent an alt to discretely warn Adrian’s alts.

Sim Gallent aspired to bothood.

What happened?

Everyone agreed, this was for the best…

…despite objections from Rudokop.

Alas, the Jamespocalypse fell upon Arraron, and Rudokop feared that ghastly creatures from EVE Online were spreading evil in reality. He finally understood who was bumping his Orca, it was none other than Erotica 1, the Devil himself!

Rudokop may be a Soviet miner, but he is also a pious orthodox Christian.

Or maybe, he is just a salty roleplayer?

Regardless, Adrian wanted him to be a happy miner.

Alas, Rudokop is perpetually upset.

Adrian just can’t stop winning.

Rudokop just can’t stop whining.

He will cry forever.

To be continued…

 

CODE. is Back

Listening to: Selection 40

***

The mighty CODE. alliance never actually left, but regardless, we are back (again). Agents don’t need sleep, we just need more synthetic coffee.

Sentinul wasn’t sure how to check what alliance Ebb Eto is in, but he had a suspicion, maybe. It was hard to tell, although there were clues.

Sentinul was a happy miner. He spent an entire day, mining to his heart’s content, earning the in-game equivalent of approximately a dollar.

I can understand how Sentinul felt, celebrating another glorious victory. However, I think his expectations might be a little low. He was isk positive, but a month of PLEX is currently valued at 1.3 billion isk, which means that Sentinul would need to grind for a fortnight. Indeed, he was starting to do the math.

It could be done, but somebody was slowing him down.

He wasn’t upset. However, mining can be lonely.

Really lonely.

Sentinul admired Archie Audene‘s portrait.

Sentinul just wanted a friend.

However, he was all alone in the galaxy.

Well, not entirely…

Sentinul didn’t mind the occasional gank, but hoped it would stop.

 

To be continued…

 

Moving On

Some people believe the CODE. alliance died years ago, when James 315 was permabanned. Others believe it died a few months ago, at the very moment James passed on. Still others believe it was dead from the start. However, readers of the blog know divine truth: James is far more powerful dead than alive. It also benefits me, so I’ll allow it.

Miners and plebs fixate upon the ‘Great War’, as my tributaries quarrel over the Delve, but they fail to understand this conflict began in Halaima (a peaceful mining system, near Jita). A true Princess never forgets.

Like, whatever!

Lewak began preaching a strange heresy. According to Lewakites, multiboxing is an evil sin, and Omega accounts are terribly unfair to poor alphas. All implants, no matter the type or purpose, are absolutely verboten. Meanwhile, Lewak glorified implanted multiboxing antigankers, who ‘enforce’ the CODE. upon the CODE. Lewak even began failganking on scouts, claiming that real gankers never use combat probes. We had a little disagreement, so I discussed this with Loyal, Globby, Tweeps, and Holdmybeer. They all asked the same question. “Who is Lewak?” Something had to be done, before the alliance was reduced to nothing but weird roleplayers! Praise James! 07

Actually, yes, I just might…

Fighting spread across Lonetrek, with fierce combat in Isanamo. Here, disgusting heretics were besieged inside an abandoned Nurtura warehouse, desperately scrounging for scraps of biomass and stale soylent wafers. Meanwhile, descending from Moon 21, spaceborne Khanid flametroopers rained hellfire upon their enemies. Neutron blasts scoured cities, as machine guns splattered bullets down narrow streets. The CODE. Civil War truely happened, and this permanently shifted the galactic balance of power.

 My, what a difference a year makes.

So, where do we go from here? 

Our vassals can squabble, but we’ve got business in Highsec, and the Summer Hole War is over. We know what to do, and our friends support us. We will simply apply a new litmus test, and this will root out all the closet bears.

PRAISE PRINCESS AIKO, SAVIOURETTE OF HIGHSEC,
AND HOLY EMPRESS OF CODE.

(pro tip: listen to the above on a permanent loop)

I recently discovered Lewak’s new mining alt corp, and confronted him her about his mining habit. Only someone with the honest integrity of a true Princess can defeat such treasonous minery. Indeed, she confessed to his illegal crimes, and (after praising me) was duly punished according to the laws of the Halaima Halama.

BEHOLD THE CONFESSION OF THE MINING TRAITOR

That’s right. Miners are liars. Always!

What a crab!

Yes Mr Cheng

I’m overwhelmed, in way over my head.

I’m spinning in space, dizzy with success. This must be how Nikita felt, when he sent those missiles to Fidel. Sometimes, I briefly glance at my unread mails. Woah. Jump jump jump. My discord is constantly popping up @everyone @here and it’s just nonstop @Aikoaikoaiko. The wallet keeps flashing, and I haven’t answered the last one, but someone sent another conversation request. Primary is the Rattlesnake, secondary Leshak. My email is backed up too. My mom doesn’t really understand.

I’m sure she’ll be fine. She always said I could be anything, do anything. Why would I care about being Holy Roman Empress, when I am a Lady of Agil? So now my mom focuses less on what I might do, and is more concerned about what I’m doing, down in this dusty dungeon. Ever since I inherited the realm, I haven’t really done anything, except whatever I want. I used to enjoy knitting, but now my interests perplex her.

Something just seems off, about the whole situation.

She wants to understand. She thinks mining sounds relaxing, so she might make an account and give it a go. Indeed, she really enjoys Facebook Farmville. She also appreciates videos filled with flashing lights, purple dots, and red triangles.

Meanwhile, she has been reading the blogs. She just wants to make sure that VictorStark Stark isn’t hiding under my bed, hanging out with kage1982 and Rudokop. I think she gets it though. She even made a comment about the Russians, “Those poor farmers, they just want to farm!” Mostly, she’s glad that her little girl finally got married, even if it’s to a dead guy. Naturally, she understands the utility of a strategic espousal.

Every day, actually, and that’s insane. What was James 315 thinking? Also, mom, seriously – it’s miner with an ‘E’. Ok?


My friends have their doubts, but I know what’s best.

How else will the people learn about Yes Mr Cheng?

Together, we can save the miners, from themselves!

Mr Cheng is a helper. Always look for the helpers.

Some people will never understand the glorious creed of Halaima. When James sold mining permits, echobears thought permits should always be priced at exactly 10 or 30 million isk. However, they don’t call me the Saviourette for nothing, and I actually read the CODE. You know, every time you read it, you glean more wisdom. I’ve definitely read it more than you. I’ve read it more than James.

Since the Code is a living, breathing document, it’s not possible to fully enumerate all of the rules.

As the only person in New Order history to officially amend the CODE. of Halaima, it’s pretty obvious I wrote it, and know exactly what all the rules are. Let me boil it down and pour it on you, in its most concise form.

Your mining operations are entirely at my mercy.

It’s really that simple. So when Mr Cheng decided to seek a solution to intergalactic minery, he was invited to attend a Lawton School seminar on space law. There he met Princess Aiko, who taught him a sacred truth. Mining permits start at 10 million isk per year, but the actual retail price is sometimes higher. 

There’s a lot which isn’t specifically addressed in the CODE. For example, did you know, miners are liars by nature? That’s a sacrosanct provision, which is so self-evident, James didn’t even bother to include it. I sincerely doubt a miner has ever been honest about anything. They just can’t do it. Mining is the greatest scam in the galaxy, and it takes a real hero (or heroin) to confront the inner bot. 

They will say anything to avoid responsibility. In this case, Cherry refused to purchase her mining permit. That’s fine. Frankly, it’s preferable.

Mr Cheng might be bad at taking screenshots, and I suppose there’s a good reason James loved his classy little secretary. Regardless, I’m pretty sure this New Order thing is gonna keep going. CONCORD just can’t stop us.

Goofus complains about Princess Aiko.
Gallant sends everything he has.

 

Rudokop Forever, Part 8

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously in James315.space… Adrian Vexier was seduced by the spider witch of Highsec. Consequently, he forsaked the antiganking community, transmorphing into a Russian hunting demon. Of course, the New Order logs and records absolutely everything (always), and there is naturally a video of the time that Rudokop Forever‘s alt SIM Gallent tried to trick Adrian. As faithful readers know, this didn’t work.

Afterward, Rudokop sulked, humiliated before a coven of demons.

He had faith, vengeance would come in the afterlife.

Local miners attempted to help Rudokop calm down.

However, he was beyond consolation.

Rudokop’s alt urged Adrian’s alt to betray his demonic leader.

Meanwhile, Rudokop cried as evil forces pushed him away from the ice and ore.

Alas, his favourite potato farm was haunted by space ghouls.

This was upsetting for him.

Rudokop’s alt foretold a dire prophecy. The demonic attacks would continue.

Indeed, Rudokop’s other alt was already doomed.

To be continued…

***

BONUS: Miners pretend the CODE. is some kind of Veldspar mafia, imagining James 315 as a mobster and a goon. Now that James is dead as a door nail, it is important that we resist such vile slanders. Blake McAllister‘s artwork portrays James as he really was: a dapper business man, and a respected pillar of the community.

Old James is as dead as a door-nail. Mind! I don’t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the galaxy’s done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that James is as dead as a door-nail.