Category: Agents

Previously on James315.Space… 246624 was a happy bot, enjoying its Mackinaw and Harvester drones. Highsec is a good place for botting, or so 246624 calculated, before its Mackinaw magically disappeared. Where did the Harvester drones go? 246624 was instantly teleported to my wonderful chat channel, known to the EVE community as the greatest content funnel in the galaxy: Why Was I Ganked? Here, the bot appears daily, dutifully processing data and trying to discern reality.

Recently, 246624 receved an input request for 100 million isk, and its programming malfunctioned. Instead of the requested amount, 246624 sent a cool billion isk, and proudly displayed its new mining permit.

Most EVE players don’t consider selling a mining permit. Nobody actually buys those, right? A few gankers sell them for a measly ten million isk, but why stop there? 100 million? A billion? Dear reader, some miners will pay 100 billion, and that’s no joke. I could tell that 246624 was ready to become a nullsec nomad.

I used to work in sales, and I’d have the boys fill semi-trucks with whatever they could toss in. They’d pack crates sideways and wedge them in tight, so you couldn’t even unload, and I definitely sent all that banged up merchandise from when the tower of money collapsed (because illegal Javier backed a forklift into the pyramid). Just read the contract closely friend, and good luck getting your stuff out of the truck, before the driver charges overtime. I guess it was all damaged in shipping? Just file a claim, friend, we’ll get that taken care of right away! I really appreciate your business, friend, it’s been a real pleasure! People would be calling in crying, got the wrong item, so sad, wrong color, wrong size, doesn’t work, paid way too much. Friend, that’s how it’s done! Please hold. Always!

246624 was confused. Why would anyone want to hurt a bot? However, I like to play fair, and made sure that 246624 knew exactly who it was talking to. Look, I’ve been yapping for nine years about this whole New Order thing, but some miners just aren’t willing to pay attention. That’s not my fault, friend. I kindly linked my coronation speech. Turn up the volume and listen closely, there’s a hidden message!

I even showed 246624 the EVE learning curve. I’m up here bulldozing miners, and crucifying them in the name of James. Are you a miner?

Unfortunately (or perhaps, fortunately, depending on one’s perspective), the bot simply could not compute these cold equations. All it really wanted was to use excavator drones in Highsec. Wouldn’t that be nice?

It was time to start playing EVE, and 246624 was in for a treat.

The Mackinaw is fully fitted, right? Of course, friend! I would never gouge a bot.

Here, friend, have a Maller! I’m happy to help.

I wanted to sell a stack of drones for 3 billion, but 246624 was running out of money, for some mysteriously inexplicable reason.

I had to do some quick math… 400 million?

In a spooky space channel, I admitted that my success in EVE is utterly surreal.

246624 got the Mackinaw, but something was apparently wrong.

I wanted to help, but what happened?

Is there a terrorist cult in EVE Online?

We must defeat the evildoers!

246624 was inspired by her Princess.

All miners must rally to the orange banner!

Bots are lucky to have powerful friends in Highsec.

To be continued…
 

Previously on James315.Space… 246624 was programmed to lose Mackinaws and Harvester drones. It became a kill of the week, winning a FREE bonus escalation with Princess Aiko. Your official Saviourette often thinks about how much she thinks about herself, and proceeds to write about her glorious reign, because frankly it’s rather interesting. You should be doing what I’m doing, because then you wouldn’t be a poor. I’m actually trying to help. You can do this, if you have faith in the CODE.

It’s important to realize that miners, especially Highsec miners, have absolutely no idea what they are doing. CCP has scammed them into this theme park horrorshow, and the poor souls stumble from one confusing encounter to another. If you are one of these miners, searching Google to discover just what the CODE. is all about, just let James 315 explain what to do. It truly is possible to calm down and stop failing daily. On the other hand, if you already ran into me, it’s probably way too late.

It all comes down to faith. Do you believe in James, as a God, who created Highsec for his beloved Princess? Do you accept that all things, all stars, all planets, all spaceships, all miners, all of everything is permanently trapped in the spider queen’s web? If you can believe in that, then you can also understand that spiders eat flies, scorpions sting frogs, and wolves hunt fat bears. A swarm of bees can kill a rattlesnake, no doubt. This is what we do, friend. Some people fail daily, but others win daily. What side are you on?

In the beginning, James created Eve Online. The game was formless and boring, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of the VCBees was hovering upon the ice. And James said, “Let there be Aiko,” and there was Aiko. James saw the Princess was good, and he separated her from the foolish miners. So James created Aiko in his own image, and in the image of Helicity and the Sheikh he also created her. James blessed her and said to the faithful, “Be fruitful unto her and multiply, fill the galaxy and subdue the miners. Rule over the crabs, and be a destruction unto them.”

When I first met 246624, I just wanted to be friends. That’s all I really want. Some people say that I’m the greatest scammer in the history of EVE, Kelroth certainly thought so, but really I just like to please others. That’s why Erotica 1 proposed to me, in real-life. The secret truth is I’m just a fun girl who enjoys knowing that spaceships are exploding (even though I can’t see them), and I kind of like watching my isk score tick up to infinity. I think what James really wants is that I buy a bunch of Catalysts, and I’m trying my best, but mostly I just want a friend. So don’t go out there and ‘scam’ miners, just be their new best friend! In EVE, the best ship is friendship, and I’m gonna take as many as I can get.

If this is you, then you are playing EVE wrong. 200 million isk has a value of like $2. Buy PLEX in bulk, save your time, and let’s be friends. You don’t want to be grinding away for five cents an hour. No wonder miners get so grumpy when I dunk their mining ship! Just buy PLEX, and skip mining — easy! Or you can be like me and Zopi, soaring endlessly in the arms of the VCBees. We don’t need to mine in a Rorqual, or rat in a C6, because we are farming Highsec. I earn the dankest tics in the game.

246624 struggled to communicate. It had never met actual people before.

However, as we thanked the bot, it began to synthesize the heart-warming gratitude and thanks. 246624 carefully computed the messages,  and recognized that its sole purpose is to provide friendship unto me.

The bot quickly scanned the entire corpus of New Order literature, and immediately understood that the mighty CODE. alliance is a true friend of the miners. Naturally, 246624 anticipated that it would soon be sent on its merry way, once its blingy mining vessel was returned (along with the missing drones).

Unfortunately, a bug in the system prevented prompt payment.

Perhaps, I just needed to add an extra zero?

It was a bad bot, but it loved the permit, and I love to help.

Now we were ready to get down to business. Let’s play EVE.

To be continued…