Agents – Page 41 – ‎James 315 Space

Deal Storm, Part 8

Previously, in James315.Space… Warrior McQueen lost his Mackinaw, and trusted the mighty CODE. alliance to provide him with a new mining ship. The price was right, and the shipping charge was very reasonable, so Warrior agreed to pay and pay. However, he was also feeling a little confused.

Why does the twinkly red star rise high in the night?

Warrior doesn’t understand economics. He’s just a miner.

Warrior was relieved to know his ship (and implants) would arrive soon.

Of course, there is a 30 million isk processing fee.

Warrior wondered whether the fee might actually be 40 or even 70 million.

A friendly hauler contacted Warrior privately, and let him know he could rent a Mastadon for 50 million isk, and avoid paying so many fees.

For some reason, Warrior felt Anaxagoras might be scamming him.

Therefore, Warrior asked to speak with a supervisor.

It was all a misunderstanding.

Oops, a typo.

Like most men, Warrior was starting to feel entitled and bossy.

He just needed to complete payment!

Warrior agreed, it was a fair deal.

No refunds!

Antilor is Quitting EVE

Recently, Antilor Ornulf lost a Covetor.

Antilor is not a loser. In time honoured EVE tradition, he becomes a ‘winner’ by the mere fact that he gave up and quit at the first hint of difficulty.

Antilor wrote CCP to thank those who helped him achieve ‘victory’.

In my experience, the majority of ships are fitted in such a way, that the cost of ganking is higher than the value of any loot. Ganking can be profitable, but it’s not profitable to gank indiscriminately. Nevertheless, other than making it financially unsustainable, requiring most ganks to involve multiple people, and providing an insurance program to subsidize miners, CCP has done nothing to disincentive ganking.

Antilor warned CCP that some people use multiple accounts, a shocking claim.

If only CCP would think of the miners, and pod empty ganker capsules.

Antilor wanted to give credit where it is due. In particular, he really likes the sense of satisfaction from selling a killright, and knowing that gankers live in fear. However, he wondered if more should be done. Perhaps CCP should consider adding some sort of ‘faction police’ to the game, so that gankers can’t just loiter in space? Alas, he lamented, CCP just wants people to PvP in a PvP game.

Some people just want to experience the empire building aspect of EVE, without any kind of meaningful PvP. You know, like Farmville.

Antilor concluded by doxxing himself to the very gankers he despised.

Ash Styles provided Tim some helpful tips on how to properly quit EVE.

Antilor was outraged, demanding an Obama style apology tour. However, Ash doubled down on righteousness, and told Antilor exactly what’s up.

I am waiting for Antilor to send me his stuff.

Ganked in Fallujah

Everybody loves my channel: Why Was I Ganked?

Uncle Pudge is a typical Highsec miner.

After losing his favourite shuttle, he was less than calm.

When asked why he used such vulgar language, Uncle Pudge made an announcement.

He was a glorious veteran of some sort.

Veterans get 10% off on Tuesdays, and extra special treatment online.

Pudge also applied for a senior citizen discount.

After his proud service in Company C, Uncle Pudge retired to EVE Online.

From behind his computer, Pudge is internet brave.

Apparently, he is still in dusty Fallujah.

Meanwhile, Serbian Gamer shows how a real man reacts when ganked.

Deal Storm, Part 7

Deal Storm, Part 1

Previously, in James 315 Space… Warrior McQueen lost his Mackinaw, and promptly ordered another one for 100 million isk. He also needed to pay 30 million isk, plus 10 million isk, plus 30 million. Afterward, he needed to pay 30 million, but he only had 4 million. Where would he find another 26 million?

Some people say that Princess Aiko is evil, in real-life. However, Aiko waited patiently, giving Warrior time to fundraise.

Warrior sniffled, and his miner brain began to whir.

That little wench already charged 30 40 70 million for delivery. So why was he being asked to pay Whadda Badasaz?

Well, that explains it! Typical space Wobblies…

Warrior was fed up with hidden charges, but the fee was non-refunable. Get it?

He gradually scraped together enough cash to pay the fee.

Warrior paid in full, and there was just one last thing…

It’s just a 30 million isk processing fee. That’s actually a discounted rate.

Oh wait, it looks like there has been some kind of misunderstanding.

Warrior had a question.

Can you guess the answer?

To be continued…

The Best Revenge, Part 93

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… The long Antarctic winter cast frigid winds across the southern hemisphere, and the mighty High Lord Space Star avia naali, aka aiva naali, aka Australian Excellence, aka loyalanon, aka aka, was determined to survive long enough to seize control of the galaxy.

avia was concerned the Horde might attempt a winter offensive.

Meanwhile, Goonswarm’s elite Military Intelligence SIG reported otherwise.

Princess Aiko did not share avia’s concern, but he knew better. The vile double traitor Vily might, at any moment, decide to betray the Swarm.

Indeed, the strategic balance of power was shifting, exactly as avia planned.

Triumphant in his glory, the ‘lil bullet, aka 140, knew victory was in his grasp.

His terms are most merciful.

Pandemic Horde will be exiled to Highsec, and that whore Elise Randolph will be sentenced for life to Kamio IV belt 4, permanently confined in a mining Tarya. With these details settled, avia returned to the ongoing war.

Inspired by the tale of Globby, avia continued to produce new supperweapons.

The Suppercomputer also ordered the creation of a wormhole truck stop.

At times, it was necessary to address financial matters, and avia requested that his personal secretary, Princess Aiko, provide him with an official receipt.

Finally, she processed the requisite paperwork.

The Director Level Buyin Confirmation Security Card serves as High Lord avia’s official laminated ID badge, allowing top security clearance in all Goonswarm affiliated organizations (including the town of Pearl River). Furthermore, it doubles as an Ice Mountain Ski Pass, during the annual alliance trip to Colorado Springs.

To be continued…

High Treason

I bring you dire news.

Some miners have declared themselves to be in a state of rebellion.

Kay AllardLiao has thus composed a manifesto.

If you want to chat in Teamspeak, just let me know.

Buttercup Potemkin went deep undercover to meet the rebel leader.

Buttercup feigned concern about Princess Aiko’s consolidation of power.

AllardLiao was intrigued by Aiko’s ethnicity.

He was surprised to learn of her Palestinian heritage.

Girls from the West Bank should not support space terrorism!

AllardLiao loves the newbros, but Aiko just wants to kill them all.

If newbros can’t win while AFK, they will quit the game.

Nobody plays Wolfenstein anymore. Gamers hate violence!

Kay watched in horror, as Aiko continued to slaughter the innocents.

Alas, Aiko cursed him, and the rebel leader became incoherent.

We are killing it!

Every now and again, as the official Saviourette of the New Order, and High Queen Regent of Highsec, Princess Aiko wonders whether she is a good girl. Are we truly helping these poor miners, or are we just destroying their last barge, after they’ve already lost everything in real-life? Is it cruel to put them out of their misery?

Most carebears live in a nightmarish post-Soviet apocalyptic wasteland, where lights are constantly flickering, and they can barely stay logged in long enough to complete a single mining cycle. Is it wrong to euthanize them?

Of course, I am the heroin of Highsec. However, a few crabs believe I am evil, in real-life. They even use real-life cellphones to warn each other.

Most people see me as a fun sexy James 315, wearing a tiara whilst clubbing in Monaco. They watch me take shots of cranberry vodka, and adore my tight leather miniskirts. However, some conspiracy theorists claim that Aiko is a witch, spreading darkness throughout the galaxy. She might be cute, but she’s evil!

Yes, Aiko is a Princess, but she’s also one of those southern Italian stregas. A goomah with a villa in Naples, who goes on ‘business trips’ to Albania.

It’s ok to extort newbros in nullsec, but to do it in Highsec? Santo cielo!

Over on Facebook, there’s a lot of concern about what is happening. What will we do if all the Highsec miners quit, because of mean space bullies?

Apparently, we are killing it!

This is how it happens. An AFK miner returned to their computer, and realized they don’t enjoy EVE. Just like that, CCP lost another free to play ‘customer’.

It was one of those melodramatic Shakespearean deaths, where Fiona lingered on stage, slowly dying amidst the mockery of the audience.

Goodbye, Fiona. Thank you for your mining service.

I’m a winner!

Ciao!

Farewell wodger1

wodger1, we barely even knew thee. Will there ever be a wodger2? Alas, your Elara fit Venture was not long for this galaxy.

wodger1 is (supposedly) dying in real-life, and he just wants to relax. As everyone knows, CCP has won awards from hospice centres, the American Cancer Society, and the National Health Service, which hail Highsec as the perfect place to die in real-life. What better for a dying grandparent, than to die in a Venture?

knuF aknaynA, formerly known as Anyanka Funk, is one of the greatest Thrasher pilots. When she saw wodger1, she had no idea he was dying of cancer (supposedly, maybe), nor did she realize he was hidden inside a lonely post-Apocalyptic bunker, desperately struggling to avoid Wu Flu and survive just one final tragic day. All she knew was that wodger1 didn’t have a mining permit, and he was actively engaged in ore theft.

wodger1 died (in game) and was teleported to a magical place, known as Why Was I Ganked? Here, miners are free to seek solace and comfort. Unfortunately, wodger1 had no desire for adventure. He only wanted to mine.

The words dropped like a bombshell. Wodger1 is sick and frail, desperately wanting to mine one last rock, before that permanent downtime. Of course, according to The Atlantic, people often fake cancer, to obtain sympathy. Huffington Post notes that some people are psychologically driven to pretend they have cancer, to gain advantage. Psychology Today published a warning, that false cancer claims are a common element of real-life scams. From London, BBC Radio reports an epidemic of healthy people, who pretend they are dying from cancer. However, in a game like EVE Online, where nobody ever tells a lie, surely we should give wodger1 special accommodation?

On the other hand, perhaps we should just play the game.

Alas, wodger1 decided to quit. He couldn’t mine peacefully, endlessly, without any challenge whatsoever. So guess what, he’s just gonna go die elsewhere.

I truly meant what I said. I sincerely hope wodger1 enjoyed EVE, and I believe he appreciates knowing that Princess Aiko is somewhere out there, making EVE slightly more stimulating than watching a screensaver.

As wodger1 prepared to uninstall, agents sought to ensure that wodger1’s legacy would live on through other AFK miners. Carebears were utterly appalled. How could evil CODE. agents act with such callous disregard for the life of a miner?

Personally, if my grandfather were dying, I would advise him not to install EVE Online. I would absolutely never suggest that anyone try and utilize the Rookie Help channel. So I don’t feel I did anything wrong. I was nothing but polite, and kindly informed wodger1 that I intend to eradicate the mining caste. If he doesn’t like that, he might prefer playing another game, such as Candy Crush, Farmville, or Minecraft.

Must we pretend that EVE is not a PvP game? I’m a semi-professional chess player, in real-life. I’ve played people who were dying of cancer. I’ve played people in wheelchairs, people who are blind, people who physically cannot move a chess piece. I’ve made little kids cry, with tears weeping down their sad faces. Did you know, they would be absolutely INSULTED if I gave them less than my best PvP?

I’ll say this. Carebears like Curve Ature could have helped wodger1, if they actually wanted. They could have offered to provide him with mining boosts, and given free ships and ore. The carebears could, if they want, create an entire corporation full of self-proclaimed invalids, and work overtime to keep everyone happy. I guess Curve didn’t want to actually do anything to help, he just wanted to virtue signal.

A lot of people claim the CODE. griefs new players, driving them from the game. However, when you look at the facts, this isn’t true. Any new player who wants to learn, will find we are far more helpful than crusty old crabs at EVE University. We will actually show you how to win, and we won’t refer you to some outdated wiki article. However, if all you want to do is AFK in the other room, while your mining alt accrues piddly amounts of passive income… well, we are going to exterminate you.

Before he passed on, wodger1 set me to “excellent standing” and sent a private message. wodger1 doesn’t dislike me, or the CODE. He just doesn’t want to mine anymore. Also, he never actually claimed he was dying. I think he’s just fine.

Good for him!

The Best Revenge, Part 92

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… His Grand Space Lord High Supreme Star Excellency avia naali, aka the Suppercomputer, aka 140, aka aiva naali, aka Megathronus Rex, was determined to ensure his place at the head of the Imperium’s mighty War Council. While Brisc Rubal and the Mittani talked in stations, avia took direct command of the fleets, to ensure the success and glory of Goonswarm.

Pandemic Horde was on the brink of utter annihilation, with the dance squad infiltrating past confused gate camps, and cloaky wolves nipping at the horde’s tenuous logistics. It was now early summer for most people, but avia found himself upside down, facing the approach of a harsh Antarctic winter…

Amidst a frigid blizzard, avia reflected upon the campaigns of Napoleon, paying particular attention to the advance upon Moskva in 1812. Just as Napoleon was betrayed by treacherous Germans, avia feared that the double traitor Vily might lead TEST upon Fortress Delve. Ah, but all this reflection gave avia a sudden burst of inspiration. What if he adopted Napoleon’s doctrine of the Grande Batterie?

Why stop there? Each nation has its own unique racial characteristics, and avia sought to organize Goonswarm according to natural tendencies.

Meanwhile, Princess Aiko took direct command of the anti-mining taskforce, and drew avia’s attention to the belts, from which Pandemic miners continued to pour minerals into the vast Horde assembly lines.

With his vast experience, this was precisely the kind of direct technical question which avia was well suited to address. He immediately resolved the problem.

The solution was simple enough. First, use a bump reflection to knock them away from their digg. Subsequently, kill all the rats! As Sun Tzu once observed, when a miner sees a digg without any rats, he is naturally loath to continue mining. However, what of the new nationalist doctrine? Was the fleet happy?

All was well, and everyone was delighted to join Heritage Fleet. avia smiled, and declared it was time for pod races!

As combat engineers returned to the Delve, and began work on the Circus Maximus, avia continued to innovate. With a stroke of sheer genius, he surpassed even Napoleon, creating the EVE equivalent of mobile horse artillery. Of course, range could be readily corrected by bumping battleships back and forth.

Meanwhile, weird things were happening, especially in Highsec.

avia was glad to have a new ally, because he was about to have a new enemy.

The Great Imperator let his foes know, he was aware of their plot.

Would that double traitor, Vily the Silly, heed this warning? More importantly, would Pandemic Horde be left utterly demoralized by a taunting?

The Great Mind War took place behind the scenes, a metagame confrontation between some of the most powerful players in EVE history. Of course, the result was a stunning success, as Pandemic Horde’s top strategist suddenly had a public meltdown.

avia was proud of his work.

It was nearly time to sound the Horn of Goondor!

Deal Storm, Part 6

Previously, in James 315 Space… Warrior McQueen lost his beloved Mackinaw, and a bunch of fancy implants. This really sucked, but he was delighted to learn that everything would be promptly returned, after one easy installment of 100 million isk. Also, there was a 30 40 70 million isk shipping fee.