Author: Princess Aiko

The Best Revenge, Part 86

 The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously, in James315.space… the High Lord of the Delve, Avia Naali, aka Aiva Naali, aka Fighterjets Guitarsolo 1000years, aka quantum, aka The Suppercomputer, was whisked away to his secret quarantine command post.

Although Agent Anvil, aka 140, aka the ‘lil bullet was under strict orders to maintain secrecy, he took distinct pleasure in reminding Pandemic Horde of his success, taunting them from Goonswarm’s elite counterintel blog.

Pandemic Horde’s top espionage agents studied his every word.

From time to time, Agent Anvil would send secret messages.

Alas, he misspelled the encryption key, and nobody could decipher his communique.

Fortunately, quantum was willing to summarize with a brief tldr.

It was still partially encrypted.

The Gewnfuehrer inserted a lil speach.

He also adopted a foul mouthed vet type vibe, firing on a hapless Goon ganker.

Avia, aka AstevonWard OverGreer, was not impressed by ganking tactics.

As he concluded his lecture, delineating the now famous mad dog jelly fish tactic, 140 decided to donate some money to Goonswarm’s ecomimy.

To be continued…

 

Praise the Mighty GUIDE.

Highsec miners struggle to understand how they can safely earn isk, without effort or risk, while watching television. Fortunately, there is one corporation, which is always sometimes eager to save those who refuse to save themselves.

The New Eden Police Force has a lofty goal, to eliminate PvP in low security space. Of course, they aren’t able to survive in lowsec, and so they have been practicing in Highsec. Recently, the NEPF wrote a seminal GUIDE.

Like every antigank attempt, this immediately ended in an embarrassing failure. It appears that not only is the CODE. better at EVE, but we also seem to be better at literally everything else, including website stuff.

Gallente Citizen I > lol I think they might have posted a dead link
Jody Longbuck > url File not found.
Magalaus Shardani > yeah the domain is for sale

GUIDE. forces are undeterred by this permanent setback, and continue to spam the dead link across my galaxy, for reasons which can only be ascribed to a combination of bot aspierancy and an apparent inability to notice.

Meanwhile, mining refugees have been ordered to evacuate Poinen.

GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM > Kill: Illia Caela (Jackdaw)
GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM > Wah Huren > Kill: Ulianov (Coercer) <— thats sad, pasting a concord whoring in local, failing to protect the jackdaw. 3 “New Eden Police” warped behind me, an epic fail

GUIDE. forces recently conducted an ineffective patrol of Isanamo.

All miners were urged to stop mining, in accordance with the GUIDE.

Examples were made of those who did not obey the GUIDE.

Everyone agrees that the GUIDE. is required reading.

As GUIDE. agents watched, local gankers enforced the law.

It went on and on…

Most people support the GUIDE. However, there are a few critics.

Dissent was spreading, and only the most faithful continued.

After a Mackinaw was ganked, even GUIDE. agents were demoralized.

Githany Red > hehe i have kill rights on you
Githany Red > a lot of good they wil do me
Githany Red > i’m not ment to talk to you hehe
Aiko Danuja > cuz im an evil witch who will mind control you

Despite abject failure, the GUIDE. lives on.

***

BONUS: The GUIDE. team has produced an awesome antiganking exclusive video, which (like actual antiganking) ends in despair and dismay.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGVF8Hkp1Dk

That’s right. They made a video about their own incompetence.

Doden van de Week.

Kills of the Week Before

Here are some Highsec draagt, extirpated between September 20 @ 00:00 EVEtime and September 27 @ 05:51 EVEtime.

***

I’m not really sure what is going on down in Bagodan, but apparently they are having a winter storm. Adam Feng missed the severe weather advisory, and jumped directly into a cluster of ice tornadoes. If you don’t know who killed Adam, then you probably haven’t been paying attention, have you? Here’s a pro tip: if you want your ship to have more hitpoints, then maybe consider welding some steel plates to the hull.

***

When Ulianov and GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM were informed that shareholders approved a funding grant from the Official Holy New Order Treasury, they knew it was important to ensure the money was wisely invested. Instead of some convoluted carebear production plan, they ignored the market altogether, and just went straight for the K0enig. A 3000% return on investment is nothing to be ashamed of.

***

Gobloks like to write in the forums, chiding Princess Aiko, because she is afraid to PvP. I confess. I’m a little embarrassed, because it’s absolutely true, I’m so frightened by ships that shoot back. Eep! Hey, I never claimed to be the best ganker in the galaxy, I’m just the cutest! Recently, Gallente Citizen I and First Gallente Citizen showed me how to kill Caberwolfe’s cargo Loki. What was I scared of?

***

The new leader of Goonswarm, Emperor Avia Naali, aka Destroyer of Worlds, asked me to shut down Pandemic Horde’s Highsec mining programme. We were having some difficulty catching all those little Ventures, but eventually we discovered how they move the ore. I contacted my friends, Don Purple and MrDiao — we got the job done. Miners ask where we get our ships from, well… now you know!

***

I don’t really use implants, because I’d be ashamed for James to discover that he married a mindless bot, so I’m not really sure what all these chips do. Did you know there is something called a Nirvana Omega? I guess it makes you feel really good, but Lenya Nazgul recently discovered that there are some serious side effects, when she was disconnected from the main server. Symptoms of withdrawal include reduced self-esteem, depression, irritation, and myocardial infarction. Fortunately, Moustached Slimy Worm and Unluckyy were there to help Lenya calm down. I’m sure she will recover.

***

BONUS: Market Tycoon is the New Order’s leading expert on EVE Online’s farming experience. What are the most effective means to maximize your income, without risking isk or having to do anything at all? Market recommends that crabs head to the Abyss, because CCP encourages mindless gameplay.

Europa Aiko

Back in July, someone filed a botting report, and an elite CODE. taskforce was promptly assembled. I probably should have screenshotted the original allegation, but it was just the usual condemnation of minery. Fortunately, I did preserve a damning surveillance photo, submitted as compelling evidence of illicit botting.

 

 

I presume the original Reddit post was deleted, because Redditors are weak. They mean well, but lack courage and faith. The carebear poster was horrified, when he learnt what he wrought. He wrongly believed he was reporting a bot, but (in fact) Li Gazer was human. Nevertheless, bot aspirancy is also a capital offense.

Ernst Steinitz challenged Li to an honorable 1v1 duel, and was surprised when Li employed a questionable mining doctrine. Of course, Ernst is a real sportsman, and made sure to offer a friendly “good fight” in local. Handshake!

The carnage was astounding.

Surprise! Li is an evil warlock, and it was his 65th birthday.

Somehow, Princess Aiko always manages to make herself the center of attention. How does she do it? Well, as James 315 famously explained:

ALWAYS

To be continued…

***

FUTURE GOALS: Some people feel CCP is biased against the mighty CODE. alliance. During a recent ‘livestream’ discussion of upcoming nonse, I certainly felt rather slighted. As soon as I praised James, literally immediately, I was muted! It was almost like they had a bot, scanning for such content. Meanwhile, miners were allowed to repeatedly type “Fuck CCP. CCP fucking hates miners. Another fucking shitty change to Highsec.” They cried over and over, yet CCP saw no reason to mute their foul words. So it appears that CCP doesn’t like us, but maybe they just don’t want miners to know how much they love us, because they sure don’t seem to like carebears either. 

CCP has an upcoming goal, which makes me think they just might adore their little Princess. Indeed, is she not CCP’s Saviourette? 

I’m here to help!

 

 

 

To Stupid, Part 2

Previously, in James315.space... Adrien Naline is a filthy boor, who has spent years stalking and sexually harassing Alt 00. She repeatedly declined his advances, and yet he continues to violate her boundaries, because he is a disgusting pig.

EVE Online is best known as a friendly family game, where laggy spaceships slowly explode in glitchy fireballs, much like the three supercarriers my mom lost in Querious. However, there is a seedy underside to the game, and you may be shocked to learn that uncivilized Highsec miners frequently abuse their angelic caretakers.

Alt 00 is often disappointed by Adrien’s toxic behaviour.

Recently, Adrien was inspired by a lovely portrait of Princess Aiko.

However, he soon realized that Aiko is a staunch feminist.

Adrien panicked, as the CODE. alliance is now a mighty matriarchy.

As a weak man, Adrien felt sorely diminished by the rise of a strong woman.

Oppressed by alpha females, Adrien saw only one way to regain his masculinity.

CCP bans CODE. agents for the slightest indiscretion, but takes no action against vile miners. Have you ever noticed this? As Alt 00 was pondering such hypocrisy, she was pleased to watch the passage of Aiko’s entourage.

Adrien was filled with passion, desperately trying to kiss Alt 00.

Other miners urged Alt 00 to lower herself to the depths of depravity.

It was a typical day in Highsec.

To be continued…

 

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #215

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #214

I love hearing from tributaries. I especially like when they don’t trespass in my high security zone, and when they voluntarily send offerings from afar, formally acknowledging my absolute feudal sovereignty over the entire galaxy. It’s almost like some people want to see the mining caste erased, completely and utterly extirpated.

Sometimes, my subjects also seek a personal relationship with their Saviourette.

They don’t need to say a word. I understand.

I just hope everyone knows how to spell.

A lot of people wonder, as the most powerful woman in the galaxy, what do I enjoy the most? Dear friend, it’s not just the isk, sex, fame, and power. No, I’d say my favourite thing is the Highsec Miner Grab Bag. I find it relaxing.

Back in January, when James transferred me the logs and screenshots (dating all the way to 2003), I was absolutely amazed. I can enjoy this archive whenever I want, and oh boy, I sure do love these salted crabs.

Can you imagine??? Mining? Why?????

Honestly, what is wrong with these bots?

A lot of people enjoy EVE, but nobody likes a miner.

People claim that CODE. is irrelevant, but I’m not so sure.

I’ve got their sporadic attention.

Finished nasty slut, I’m your kind of fucking scum

They kinda like me.

Talcum on the level of your fucking mouth and in five condoms

However, I don’t really understand them.

You fucking horse, lover of wasp in dogs and cats. Learn the fucking creatures Russian, you are not worthy to talk to you, cocksuckers and cocksuckers, you fucking zoophiles

Nor am I especially fond of them.

PIDARASY YOU ARE ALL CODE, COCKES, SLUTS, ZOOFILES, YASH ROD AND ASS FUCKED ALL DIRTY ANIMALS

That’s why you were ganked, friend.

Truly, EVE has the best Soviet era content.

And you pissed shmuck, for the fact that your sixes attacked without warning, I am waiting for compensation, and I had 2 geckos inside.

Indeed, it’s great in any language.

I want to meet every Highsec miner…

…and I want to kill them all.

That’s what James would want.

It’s also what the miners want.

They love it.

They need it.

Let’s be completely honest…

…they truly deserve it.

Considering that Sirtech hasn’t quit the game, it’s fair to say CODE. has never caused CCP to lose a player. We provide content, and miners crave it.

 

Rudokop Forever, Part 7

Previously, in James315.Space… A procurer was dunked by Kanye North, but (for some reason) the miners blamed their “wise” Princess Aiko. We did a postgank interview with the bot, and had a little chat. Halandar Uitra is not a happy miner. He got into voice comms, and called Princess Aiko a “fat bitch”, outrageous! Halandar wants every Highsec carebear to check out Aiko, she’s evil and delusional (but cool).

 ***

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James315.Space.. . Rudokop Forever tried to trick Adrian Vexier, and his alts reported the loss of a battleship and a logistics cruiser.

Local chat filled with the radioactive tears of a third-rate Soviet gulag, as Rudokop alt Ivan Mihalich SIM wailed in grief.

However, Adrian denied the allegation.

Technically, according to Rudokop, Adrian is a specific form of demon. He is a succubus, a sexual demoness. Once upon a time, Adrian denounced Princess Aiko as “the whore of James”, but karma finally caught up with him.

As Rudokop sought to exorcise Adrian, the ritual drew a crowd of Highsec farmers, who were soon engaged in theological debate.

Adrian suggested that perhaps Rudokop is hysterical, but Rudokop argued that Adrian’s actions constitute proof of demonic possession.

It is perplexing, that Rudokop considered his battleship to be a “defenseless miner”, although this is an accurate description of Ivan‘s combat performance. Regardless, there appeared to be only one way to eject Adrian’s soul from Arraron, and Rudokop thus began casting a counterdemon spell (with some help from his alts).

It did not work, and Rudokop was awestruck. How could such a being exist?

As the days went by, Rudokop grew to accept there was nothing whatsoever he could do, to remove the evil spectre haunting local. He settled for the tiresome toil of the crier, alerting his fellow serfs to the woes and ill tidings of outer space.

Before long, other demons began visiting Arraron, melding with Adrian.

The monsters began to mock Rudokop, their voices echoing across the star system.

Perhaps Adrian is a demonic whore, but what is Rudokop?

To be continued…

 

The Best Revenge, Part 85

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… His grand excellency, aiva naali, aka 140, aka Kingpin, aka the Caravaneer, has been skyrocketing to super stardom. It’s always a total mindtrip, when you officially become leader of the most powerful alliance in the galaxy. I can only imagine how he must feel, to find himself standing astride the shoulders of giants. Indeed, aiva’s name is already engraved in the Hall of Heroes, alongside his esteemed peers: James 315, Leia Jadesol, Zaenis Desef, Kanye North, and the Mittani. Unfortunately, when his laptop suddenly exploded, everything came to a screeching halt.

Fortunately, via his cellphone, Agent Anvil, aka the nullsec nomad, was still able to access the official Goonswarm High Command discord.

Bzz. Bzz. Bzz. Go Goons!

It is the hub of the hive.

Everybody wanted to play EVE, but Wu Flu was spreading dark gloomy news across the galaxy, and Princess Aiko urged quantum to solve reality.

The Gewnfuehrer just needed three years, and some spare parts, to save New York. Governor Cuomo sends his eternal gratitude.

It was a true team effort, and Goonswarm’s leading industrial experts were summoned, to assemble all the required modules.

Princess Aiko urged quantum to do whatever it might take to save the world.

Just then, Tweeps interrupted with an important announcement.

As always, Princess Aiko kept James 315 updated on every nuance.

The new Slack channel was automated, perfect for quarantined leadership.

Although James intended to pass away, he wanted to ensure his ‘lil bullet was always guided with words of wisdom from above.

To ensure that quantum’s biological needs were fully met, James asked Aiko to join Quantum in the quarantine chamber.

Together, they would wait out the pandemic, just the two of them.

Aiva misspelled his own name, presumably to maintain operational security.

To be continued…

Kage Rage, Part 9

Previously, on MinerBumping… Kanye North is a good friend, who taught William Rageclaw an important space lesson. William, if you are reading this, please don’t DDOS my precious website again. I will report you to the trailer park patrol.

Recently, Halandar Uitra was streaming his mining operation in Palas, and was pleased to meet Princess Aiko, whom he recognized as a “very wise” soul. He wanted Aiko in his stream, because she is “so cool”. Aiko just wanted to watch Halandar die, and listened patiently as his mining friends discussed a mysterious group that kills miners.

Finally, it happened.

Halandar vowed to sell the killrights and get revenge.

***

Kage Rage, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space.. . kage1982 announced he has a wealthy benefactor, who finances kage’s campaign to whirl endlessly around Isanamo’s Home for Young Miners. However, as Quint generously showers pennies upon Highsec antigankers, he openly concedes the CODE. is utterly invincible.

Despite daily failure, Quint rewards antigankers handsomely.

With each gank, the CODE accomplishes more than every carebear combined.

Quint has struggled with several different variations of the contest rules, watching helplessly as CODE. pilots continue to take his money.

Meanwhile, Princess Aiko flaunts her own good fortune.

Although Aiko has recently begun smiling about something, antigankers speculate she is in a space cult. kage vowed to rescue the princess.

Eventually, kage realized he had a date with a blog.

He doesn’t appear to like my writing.

Nevertheless, even kage acknowledges James as High King.

He also understands that Aiko and James have a special relationship.

To this day, kage continues to warp randomly around Isanamo. This upsets miners, who remain convinced he is some kind of secret CODE. agent.

Sometimes, he accidentally collides with the poor distraught bots.

Meanwhile, kage still hasn’t figured out that Quint’s CODE. hunting contest is just a paid advertisement for the mighty alliance.

Sievert Solutions is also a little confused.

The salt is definitely flowing, but in which direction?

Finally, kage got that big payday!

The last time I saw kage, he was whirling around the YMCA at 3500m/s. When I undocked, he decided it was best to leave the system.

I wanted him to face justice, so I contacted a few of my powerful friends in Highsec. That’s right, I put out a hit on kage. Just kill him, and send my regards! I don’t need to offer a paltry isk prize, because people will do it for the betterment of our glorious civilization. It’s what I want, and James wants whatever I want.

Kalessi Kashada > FYI kage1982 at Sobaseki gate in Jita in a Dramiel
Cargo Bandit > Aiko Danuja doesn’t CODE. despise kage1982?
Aiko Danuja > kage1982 is not despised, he is pitied
Cargo Bandit > this guy is notoriously delusional and annoying
Valiran Teleros > The more time I spend in this channel, the more I come to empathize with gankers, and the fact I’m not exaggerating in the least is almost physically painful.

With any luck, kage might eventually learn something?

Practice makes perfect!

 

 

Egbu nke Izu

Kills of the Week Before

Here are some bea, annihilated between September 13 @ 00:00 EVEtime and September 19 @ 23:59 EVEtime. Everyone enjoyed whoring on free killmails during CCP’s Yulai event, which took place in excruciating slow motion, but real PvB involves shooting bots before CCP finally gets around to doing something.

***

Seam Daigon was hoping to make it to next week, but got caught by Votre Dieu, shortly before intergalactic midnight. No matter what timezone Seam is currintly AFK in, this was an obvious Kill of the Week. Yikes! 

Seam took his case to Miner’s Court…

…but the cargo manifest was proof of intent to distribute.

***

Lokoboto looks like a goofus, because he is. I was able to uninstall his gas huffing Megathron with a little help from Zoe Nyx, Shadow Cyrilus, MrDiao, Yes Mr Cheng, Independence Day, Encrypted Transmission, and Gallente Ambrye.

***

Tanarisa Star wanderer actually dies next week, but she’s already tackled and going down very slowly. Squidhunting Manwhore did the math, and Tanarisa’s death is imminent, with termination in exactly 24 minutes. For some reason, she agreed to duel a Catalyst, and all she has to defend herself are five Harvester drones. Good fight!

***

Fez Hideo reinforced her bulkheads, blinged her shields, and prepared for elite PvP in an 0.7. Her pirate ship was promptly vaporized by Ulianov and mat Otsito.

***

St0n3 lost his Kronos weeks ago, and it’s now a Kill of the Week, because I say so. While looking through old logs, I suddenly remembered this orbiter who tried to defend his Retrievers with a Marauder. When asked why, he explained that it was all a ploy to get my attention. Indeed, I showed up with my girlfriends: Alleil Pollard, Keraina Talie-Kuo, AgBee 001, Shadow Pearl, and Zopiclone.

***

Sirtech Silicore lost his spaceship way back in 2017, and it finally became a Kill of the Week in 2020, after Sirtech’s alt repeatedly returned to the Why Was I Ganked? channel. Tax Collector HongMei probably doesn’t even remember this incident, but Sirtech certainly does, and he has successfully campaigned for recognition of his loss. Congratulations on your impressive second place finish! 

I asked Felicia/Sirtech if she had anything she wanted to tell James 315.

Mission complete.

***

rhe natu was relaxing while mining in her command ship, when suddenly she was ejected into the harsh vacuum of outer space. Before she could click a button, her pod was vaporized by Buttercup Potemkin (who is definitely not in a terrorist cult). Replacing your brain with bot chips may seem like a good idea, but it’s illegal.